Today, Sparky is wearing his grumpy face.

Dear Sparky
Check your calendar. Your deadline panic was entirely your own fault, missing a week was silly. Now you have had no sleep and are grumpy.

Dear Secretary
I know my deadline panic was all my own fault. Thank you for telling me. And again. And again. And again. BTW I’m going to ask the nice computer people to electrify your chair for me.

Dear Senior Partner
This client wants me to meet him in LEEDS?! Do they not have lawyers in Leeds? Is there a shortage or something?

Dear Client
It was 2:30 when you asked me to be there for 3:00. Let me check where I left my pocket teleporter

Dear Petrol Station
£1.20 per litre. I’m buying petrol, not cocaine! Never mind nectar points, I want Microsoft stock.

Dear Lorry Drivers on the M62:
Ok, have you been spending your petrol money on narcotics? Why are you blocking ALL three lanes and trundling along at 40 mph?

Dear Roadwork men on the M62
Come back in Summer. I may not be driving here then - and if I am at least you’ll be shirtless and sexy.

Dear Client again
I’m sorry, I think I must be going deaf - and possibly blind. Because you DIDN’T just look at your watch and say i was late, did you? Not since I was there 15 minutes before I said I’d arrive? So you can’t have said that - because that would have been stupid and I would have fed you to the Hounds.

Dear Person trying to be Polite
Yes, it’s customary to thank someone when they are courteous to you on the roads. Yes a light flick will do - no turning on the full beams straight into my eyes was quite unnecessary. I’ll be sure to write “you’re welcome” on my gravestone.

Dear Colleagues mocking my Car.
Yes, I can afford a more expensive than Betsy. Yes, she’s old, very old and not particularly shiny. I can afford a “better” car? Really? Define “better?” Because she gets me legendary fuel efficiency, has a great driving position, is extremely comfortable, very manoeuvrable and, despite being in my possession for 5 years now, has never failed an MOT or needed to spend an hour in the garage (all being well!). Please to be defining what could be better than this?

Dear Beloved
You are not allowed to find any of this funny. You can keep the coffee coming.

Love is my Kink

Kinks, oh how I love kinks :)

See, like everyone, I have my kinks, those fun ways to push all my happy buttons. Some of it are pretty obvious - I know my kinks and am very very merry about them and acknowledging them and I‘ve probably touched on them more than a few times here.

But, in addition to the ones I know and love so much, the ultimate, all powerful “push it and I’m ready baby!” kink. And that is love.

Yes love - tender kissing, loving hugs, those little touches and caresses, that longing gaze just flat does it for me.

Awwwwwwww isn’t that sweet?

Enjoy it while you can, the angst is coming now.

See, this is my ultimate kink because for a very very very very long time it was the dream - as in, completely not going to happen. Utterly impossible. Having sex with cthulu (and no, before you ask, that isn’t a kink of mine - but enjoy the mental images) was more likely to happen than having a loving partner.

When I first came to terms with being gay and stopped trying to make it go away, I was under the settled impression that there were maybe 100 gays in the whole of the UK. Yes, I didn’t only think I was the only gay in the village, I was pretty sure I was the only gay in the county (and this is Yorkshire we’re talking about here). I wasn’t going to find love, I’d be lucky if I ever came across another gay man in my entire life.

Later, I slowly dispelled that little idea and realised, yes, there were actually other gay men in the country. But they didn’t live together and love each other. That’s what heterosexuals do. Homosexuals don’t do that. We don’t even want that, right? I was weird for wanting that (well, doubly weird). Homosexuals can’t love, it is known. The best I could hope for was one night stands, nights of cruising in public toilets and “looking for badgers” in midnight parks - because that was what gay men did. We had to hide. We weren’t allowed out where real people could see us. That would be wrong.

And then I found out there were bars and clubs where we were allowed to congregate. Gays could actually exist and be open and it was ok. I fell upon them with glee. Except, of course, I knew they were only about sex and lust. Gays didn’t love. I knew that. I’d been taught that., I grew up believing that - all we felt was lust. All we did was hook up. We didn’t date. We didn’t live together. We didn’t love each other. That was a silly dream,

And then I found out gays could form partnerships and even live together. But it wasn’t about love - it was so you could have someone close to you to have sex. It wasn’t about affection. You didn’t kiss or hold hands or hug or have lovey-dovey make out sessions. You had sex. That was the point. And for a long time I believed that - and if I found myself with any kind of partner I clung to it desperately - even if I didn’t love him. Even if I didn’t even like him very much. Because that didn’t matter - it was the closest thing I’d ever get to the real deal. (My relationship history? Yeah, we won’t go there).

Because I could NEVER HAVE the real deal. Love would NEVER happen for me. It COULD NEVER happen for me. Because gay men do not love. It was known.

And then I met Beloved. He fixed a lot of my broken assumptions. He fixed me in many respects. I was lucky. Very very lucky. And I wonder how many others are not even half so lucky.


My kink is love - the impossible dream that actually happened.

Some people meet their partners for lunch because...

They want to spend more time with them

I do it to check up on him.

Sparky: *fishing around in Beloved's shopping bags. Finds a BOOK* OH no. No no NO.
Beloved: WHAT? *innocent face that tells you he knows he's guilty.*
Sparky: Feng Sui? No.
Beloved: What? It's just a book. It looked interesting
Sparky: Uh-huh. And you didn't intend to move all the furniture as a "surprise" for when I got home?
Beloved: Not all of it! I need your help with the heavy stuff.
Sparky: And that better not be an aquarium....


Gah I thought he was stuck on gardening as his enthusiasm du jour. I despair of my furniture. And he's going to go totally over the top, I'm going to be surrounded by so mnay water elements it's going to be like living in Sea World.

I swear, the man I married is like 10 years old

Violation of someone’s Religion - oh how confused it gets

I think the forces of bigotry have great trouble understanding the very concept of government imposing on your faith - so let’s have a nice look at some good examples and bad examples.

Some bad examples

The government trying to stop religious organisations being bigoted in their hiring practices for non-clerical workers. It is not religious oppression. These aren’t even religious posts - seriously, your faith requires your janitor and secretary to be straight and cis gendered?! House of Lords, Archbiship of York - this isn’t about your religious freedom - this is about your hatred and bigotry trying to attack and hurt us as per usual. But of course, the chuch - while remaining silent and wishy washy on issues of life and death like Uganda passing kill-gays legislation is always quick and vocal when it comes to oppressing homosexuals.

Ann Widecome, always a poster child for homophobic bigotry believes that equality laws that protect GBLT people from persecution are oppressing Christians. Because not inciting violence against us is oppressive. Because not being able to fire us or exclude us from employment is oppressive. Because us having legal rights is oppressive.

It is not religious oppression to expect you to treat fellow human beings with respect. It is disgusting that this has to be said and that these organisations make any claim to be ‘moral’ institutions.


Now for some good examples of the right to religion being oppressed

Gay couples forbidden from solemnising their relationships in Oklahoma. Note here that Oklahoma already bans gay marriage - so we’re talking about a religious commitment ceremony as opposed to a legally recognised relationship. But no, if the couple agrees, the religious leader agrees, even the actual faith agrees, it’s a criminal act for a cleric to solemnise a same sex union.

What about their religious choices? What about their faith? What about their right to religion?


Or in the UK, where were are finally looking at changing the enforced anti-religion element of the almost-but-not-really-marriage-like-civil-partnership. See, I have one of these (though, frankly I will call myself married because I refuse to not use the word because some bigots decide I am not worthy of it). I’m also a religious man - but I was barred by freaking law from including my faith in my wedding. I had 2 ceremonies because, legally, a civil partnership ceremony cannot be held on religious ground and cannot include religious elements (pfft, not that the registrar recognised my religious elements :P). Where are my religious rights there? Where is my right to religious expression? Why is my faith forced to conform to a bigoted standard?

This change is being proposed because many religious groups are complaining because their religion is being dictated to by this discriminatory provision

It just goes to show - it’s not now and never has been about religious rights. It’s about hatred and bigotry, pure and simple.