Spark In Darkness

My specialties are criminal law and family law, and it’s odd, because the latter can make me despair far more of humanity than the former ever could. I mean, Criminal law will show you how vile, how evil and how truly ridiculously foolish humanity can be at times – but if you want to see pettiness, sheer spiteful, vindictive, self-destructive VENOM then family law is the show case every time.

I think in a more recent case my opposite number may be a trifle new. He was very very eager to follow the proper procedures and how things should be done and all the advisory things we should do.

Sparky: Mediation, ok, let’s take that as done, no amicable settlement, no..

OG: Wait, we didn’t mediate, shouldn’t we set something up?

Sparky: No, save costs and consider it impossible. The state and my sanity will thank you.

OG: But we haven’t even tried!!!

Sparky: Have you even spoken to your client about mediation yet?

OG: If we can agree to meet up…

Sparky: *sigh* ok let’s save time and start it now.

OG: But, I…

Sparky: My client would like his *ahem* “shrivelled, rotting testicles on a platter” I believe silver was specified but I am sure she will be open to negotiate on that. Oh and his, let me check the exact words, ah yes. “his still beating heart to be fed to that filthy whore who can’t keep her legs together” yes. Are you in a position to agree to either of these points?

OG: Um… so mediation is done then?

Sparky: Well, I don’t want to be in a small room with these 2, not without a full Kevlar bodysuit anyway.

It always amuses me that we’re pushed to encourage more mediation. It shows a complete cluelessness in the proceedings. In families where mediation is possible the participants are normally happy to do it and don’t especially need pushing. In families where mediation is not possible, pushing will only get your arm ripped off by a rabid hyena.

Despite this, it doesn’t top the couple that had to be physically restrained by their lawyers. Or the couple who spent gods alone know how many hours arguing over the freaking KETTLE. Or the couples (note plural!) that started DESTROYING their things rather than let the other person have them. Or the couples who have tried to hide assets, up to and including houses, to pretend they didn’t have them. OR the bigamist-with-mistresses-and-multiple-children  which was more of a scrum than a divorce (I didn’t work on that one. Thank ye gods).

I have a new client, D. And he’s a fool (REALLY, say it isn’t so! Never has this happened before!) Sadly he’s not even a very wealthy fool and legal aid really does limit how much money I can extract in stupidity tax.

Sadly the first interview has not been productive, since it involved an extremely long and tedious explanation of some basics of the law – primarily that I am actually HIS lawyer. Therefore, repeatedly telling me “You can‘t prove nothing“ is not only a gross abuse of the English language that made me cringe every time he said it, but is also completely detached from reality. As your legal representative, I am not trying to prove anything you do not wish me to prove. Sadly, judging by this interview, I think you’re right – I truly won’t be able to prove anything at all.

Of course, perhaps this isn’t actually the main problem we have here. After all, you’re worried about some nebulous “they” trying to “drop you in it” who are also “out to get you” and, apparently, you’re not going to take the blame for them. I need to send out a bulletin to my clients, if they’re going to have paranoid rants could they at least try to be original? Still this case does get some points – the rant may be cliched but it’s they are normally confined to criminal cases. Mr. D, you are actually in my office because your wife has started divorce proceedings. I doubt very much you will go to prison for divorce. And so far “being bloody stupid” is not yet a crime. Alas. I am not quite sure what “it” they are dropping you in, but I’d take a wild guess and say it’s probably not relevant.

That being said, you appear to be keeping secrets from me. Keeping secrets from your lawyer is an activity only slightly more wise than juggling chain saws while drunk. If “they” and “it” come back to bite us on the arse at a later date I will not be amused. Doubly so since legal aid won’t let me charge you for it.

I would also thank you to stop asking “can I trust you?” It’s a ridiculous question. No-one in the history of mankind has ever answered that question with “no.” I’m also your lawyer (yes, insert joke here) if you can’t trust me then you might as well give up now because I’m the only thing between you and your wife’s lawyer tearing strips off you. Still, if you don’t trust me feel free to leave – but let me know when your court dates and negotiations are – I’d love to come and watch.

And no, I’m not in the pay of your ex-wife because a) you don’t have an ex-wife. We’re working on that, remember? and b) your wife does not have anything close to the financial means to make me risk my entire damn career on such a flagrant breach of ethics. Though the longer I deal with you the more my sympathies are turning to the poor woman.

And can all clients PLEASE stop asking me “do you believe me?” It’s redundant. I’m your lawyer, I have to believe all your lies. Besides which, it’s not me you have to convince.

Ah another day in the office. I need more coffee.

And he’s not even our client. But he has extra levels of arseholery.

See, this man wishes to talk to his estranged wife. His estranged with his our client and we’re very very very very clear that any contact from him comes to us not her and she doesn’t want anything to do with this toxic excuse for a human being for very very good reason.

Arsehole is not pleased about this. He is extremely vocal in his displeasure. However, shouting and screaming at lawyers to make us do stuff has never had the greatest of success rates and didn’t work especially well on my colleague either. After she gave him the patented “every second you waste ranting is costing you more money” look (even if not applicable in this case, it’s a standard look. They teach us in law school y’know) he lost his temper and tried to grab her.

Oh hell no. You did not?!

Now he’s in hospital (broken arm, cracked rib) and colleague is alternating between depression and panic. She’s panicking about being fired for beating up a client (despite senior partner #2 yelling ‘you go girl!’ and saying that she should have broke the creep’s other arm at the same time) and panicking about being arrested (police were called, naturally) and panicking about getting the firm sued and is generally not in a happy brain space. Yes, legally she knows that she’s ok, but panic brain isn’t listening to legal brain (or her fellow lawyers around her telling her it’s all ok).

So it’s rallying round, calming down, making sure colleague’s glass stays full of the good stuff and watching the CCTV recording with varying amounts of glee.

But I’m totally complaining to the SPs - they never let me hospitalise clients

(We’re also complaining about our lack of freaking security. That, at least, may be addressed)

And start hacking

Work has thrown me a curve ball and, much to my own rather unpleasant surprise, managed to hurt me and undermine me quite considerably. I’m rather severely pissed (and hurt) and it’s going to cause me to view some people I respect considerably rather differently. This is not a good thing.

It began with a crazy client. No surprises there. On my desk I have a picture of Beloved and I - we’re sat on a sofa, he has his arm around my shoulders. That’s it - it’s not like we’re nekked or even kissing or anything. It’s been on my desk for several months ever since I decided to stop hiding as much as I am able - and besides, everyone else has personal photos on my desk (one colleague even has their wedding photo with the “You may now kiss the bride” moment captured quite beautifully) my desk was notable by its lack of any pictures of family or at least a pet.

Client asked about picture. I informed client about picture. Interview continued along almost uniquely sane lines. Interview is over. I work on the Paperwork Backlog when Senior Partner asks to speak with me.

It seems that Client has come to him and complained about... well specifics are vague but generally it seems she is Not Happy about her lawyer being gay and vaguely thinks that she should have been told and/or I should have hidden it better (I’m rather vaguely amused and exasperated that these two statements are blatantly contradictory) and either way she is Shocked and Appalled. He assures me the matter is dealt with, he has apologised to client and asks me to keep my photo in a drawer when meeting clients.

There then follows a disconnect. Because this is Senior Partner man. Senior Partner is older than dirt, wiser than Soloman and more powerful than God. Senior Partner man has the voice of a Shakespearean actor, the demeanour of an emperor and the authority of a cult leader. It’s an assumption that you just agree with him, because he is right. He is always right, it is Known.

So I nod and smile and go back to my office and repeat what has happened to Mad Secretary and Colleague who is Stealing our Coffee. Upon hearing myself repeat it it clicks and I have a Moment and promptly subject them to 40 minutes of enraged and marginally incoherent ranting.


He apologised for me. He apologised. What. The. Fuck. He apologised for what?! For me being gay? For having a gay associate? For me not being in the closet? For inflicting gayness on her?! You apologise when you’ve done something wrong and/or when you’ve done something you are/should be ashamed of. I am not wrong, I am not a mistake or a bad decision by the firm. I will NOT accept the firm or the Partners being ashamed of me! I’m a damned good lawyer, I work any hours any time they ask, I pull epic all nighters to reach ridiculous deadlines, I’m on call at a moment’s notice for those lovely police interviews. I tolerate all kinds of crap from clients. My cases are exemplary. I even stuck with the firm and performed small miracles when one of the Partners decided to shag his secretary rather than do any work - how DARE he be ashamed of me?! How dare he apologise for me?! How dare he imply that I am doing something wrong or the firm is doing something wrong by having a homosexual practice law?!

And put my photo away? It’s not risquee! Hells it’s not even that affectionate - it’s a pose that could have just as easily been 2 brothers! He wants me to hide? He wants me to act like I’m ashamed? He wants me to bloody CLOSET myself?! Because some bigot freaked out? If a bigot had a hissy over my white colleague’s marriage to a black woman would he ask him to put his photographs away? I dearly hope not. He wants me to pretend I am not gay... I just cannot express the depth of that - in a culture where we spend our lives hiding, fighting not to hide and desperately afraid when we don’t hide - to tell me to hide is a gross violation.

I am outraged at being treated like this. And, worse, I am unhappy with what this has done to my work environment - I thought this was a safe place, a place where my homosexuality wasn’t a problem, wasn’t something to worry about. I thought it was a place where I could be me - that’s why I took the photograph out in the first place! Because I felt safe. Because I felt secure. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.

And worst of all, it’s severely damaged the respect I have for a man I had a great deal of respect for. I respected him, was truly impressed by him, admired him and in many ways wished to emulate him - but it seems that respect only went one way. And yes, maybe it is a mistake, maybe he doesn’t get it, people can have odd blind spots... but he should have. And I can’t help feel if he had had the vaguest respect for me he would have. He’s broken something important in our working relationship and I’m not sure if it can ever be the same. It’s not like I’ll have to quit or anything (in this economy!) but I’ll just have to do what so many homosexuals have to do - and what I’ve done in the past. Part of the closet will have to come to work with me...

I also resent what shit like this does to my mood. I wanted to write, I wanted to re-write. I wanted to hit the kitchen and planning some daring disaster. I wanted to go out this weekend and maybe get wasted for the sheer sake of it - and now I’m completely not in the mood for any of it. I’m pissed that there’s shit like this happening from sources which are so damned unexpected and I’m pissed that it can still get under my skin and derail me.

I left work early today (or rather, didn‘t stay late). No more appointments and the paperwork can wait (something I’ll regret) I just can’t get anything done in this mood. Mad Secretary will commiserate and keep it to herself, Coffee-stealing colleague probably won’t. I’m not sure if I care whether he or the firm in general learns how angry I am about this. In some ways I want it known, I want my anger known and if they have any respect for me that will matter to them. But I’m unsure about the fallout... still I didn’t ask her to keep it to herself.

And I have to decide what to do tomorrow. Do I put the photo away, chalk it up to experience, keep moving and get over it? Do I confront Senior Partner (or his peers) and have a blazing row? Do I send a detailed message and conversation with them about my disatisfaction (a blazing row that starts politely)? I don’t know, I’ll see what the dawn brings.

Well, a close second MAY be your own pissed off lawyer - especially if that translates into a pissed of firm full of people with keen intellects, fertile imagination and cruel senses of humour.


Me: *grousing and laughing about Mr. C*
Colleague D: I can't believe he tried to sue you! Has he tried formally?
Me: Only with our own firm so far! *laughs*
D: *laughs* Hey, waaaaait...
Me: What?
D: Well, think about it. He has taken formal (albeit abortive) attempts to sue you over your performance in this case, right?
Me: yessss
D: And you're currently launching an appeal so his wife only takes the shirt off his back and not several feet of skin as well?
Me: Also yes
D: C'mon, he's launching legal action against you! You can ethically drop the case - hell, it can be argued that ETHICALLY you SHOULD drop the case or at least pass it to another lawyer, maybe even another firm.
Me: I don't normally drop cases no matter what...
D: I know, fanatic that you are. But if he's suing you about your performance to date, well that's reason to stop to limit the "damage" right? To say nothing of conflict of interests. Actually I think this is a stretch and ethically I COULD continue the case... though her argument is not without merit. And while I'm better at brutally holding up my ethical code like some kind of Lancelot, she is MUCH better at loop holes than I'll ever be
Me: If I dropped the case now or handed it to another lawyer it would delay his appeal considerably and cost him a lot more money and hassle.
D: Yes it would
Me: And that would be awful
D: Terrible. Truly
Me: *snorfle*
D: *cackle*