Spark In Darkness

One of the cornerstones of the GBLT movement has been the concept of Pride. And I applaud it with all my heart, because it is exactly what I feel was and is so needed.

The world denies GBLT Pride. The world suppresses it. And for such a long time – and still today – GBLT Shame has been the standard, not pride. We should be ashamed for what we are. We should change. Whole organisations have been built and funded around forcing us to change our shameful beings. Vast international churches fiercely press that our presence, our existence is shameful and should be repressed and changed and repented of.  We should feel guilty, we should be ashamed.

We are told we should hide. We should pretend. We should act lest our terrible weirdness infect, upset or hurt other people. Being GBLT is outrageous, shameful. We cannot speak of it openly. We must not speak of it in front of the children, because it will damage them. We cannot speak of it in front of other people, that’s forcing our nastiness on them, forcing them to endure it, forcing it down their throats, making a display of it. Isn’t it inappropriate? Can’t we just keep it to ourselves? Don’t we have any decency, don’t we have any shame? We should feel guilty, we should be ashamed.

We are attacked and punished for being who we are, beaten down, driven into hiding and killed. We are kicked out of houses, even our parents’ homes, because of the shame and vileness of our presence under their roof. We are turned away from businesses and employers. Laws are enacted to keep us out, to silence any mention of us, to protect vaunted professions from us, to protect children from us, to deny us and push us back. Laws that exist to enforce our shame. We should feel guilty. We should be ashamed.

I grew up with Gay Shame. I grew up with the idea that my sexuality was a bad thing, that I was a flawed and broken, that I had some terrible affliction that I should spare other people. I grew up knowing I deserved less, that I was less, that I was embarrassing, shameful, something to hide. I was taught to be guilty. I was taught to be ashamed.

I was taught that, society taught me that, family taught me that, certain “friends” definitely taught me that.

This is what GBLT Pride means. In a world that tells us we should change, we say we’re good as we are. In a world that tells us we should hide, we say we’re here and open. In a world that tells us we’re sick and broken, we say we’re whole and well. In a world that tells us children should be protected from us, we say we have kids and are kids and that’s pure and good and right. In a world that attacks us, beats us and kills us for daring to exist, we say that’s wrong and we fight back. In a world where laws are expressly created to repress us, we scream that we are equal. In a world that tells us we should not be, we yell that this is who we are and this is fine and wonderful.

In a world that tells us we should be ashamed, we declare that we are Proud.

And this is not a message that is easily announced. So far this year a Pride Parade in Lithuania was met with violence,  a Pride Parade in Minsk broken up by riot police, the first Pride Parade in Slovakia was cancelled after being attacked by skinheads, and Moscow Pride Parade has been cancelled (Moscow has a bad history with Pride Parades, to say the least especially as Mayor Yuri Luzhkov refers to gay and lesbians as “satanic“).

So looking at that, at the power and meaning and declaration of Pride, as well as the violent and virulent opposition to it, we get this and this and this and this Straight Pride. Hey you can google it, there’s no shortage of links, alas.

Has the world ever been about anything BUT straight pride? Has there ever been an institution of straight shame? Have your families, your love, your children, your life ever been demeaned and attacked and criminalised because you are straight?

Have straight people ever had to declare their sexuality? No, because the world will always assume it and honour it and raise it up and pure and proper and right. There has never been a need for straight pride because the world is steeped in it, saturated with it and pumps it out every second of every day. They flaunt their privilege like a flag and think it’s oh-so-witty to do so.

They have taken the symbolism of Pride and are using it to attack us and demean what they know so little about.

And today on Twitter, “Geek Pride” was trending. It is, apparently, Geek Pride day.

And I saw people celebrating. Including words like “Hiding in the locker is over.”  And “I’m coming out as a Geek!“ and “it’s geek pride day! I can go out in geek drag.” “Is there a colourful flag we should be waving?”

Why, I think I see some subtle comparisons there. Yes yes I do.

I am a Geek. I play WoW, I am a fantasy and sci-fi lover, most of my TV and book choices either have lazers or fireballs or at least vampire fangs. I’ve played D&D, I’ve played GURPS and I have a shelf full of White Wolf books. I had a childhood crush on Nightcrawler for gods’ sake (don’t ask. Really) I am as geeky and nerdy as they come and merrily happy with it.

But this? This is appropriating something vital and powerful. Celebrate geekiness, revel in it, dance with it, wave those towels! It’s a wonderful wonderful thing, but Geek Pride? No, really, no.

This is something I have been debating ever since the Uganda genocide law was proposed (and, to the people trying to distract from the evils of that law – yes it IS genocide. Just because GBLT people are the target or because it’s being justified by the religion you share doesn’t make it any less genocidal) and is only strengthened by the horrendous sentence of 14 years hard labour for Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga who tried to marry. 14 years of hard labour because they loved each other.

In response the world’s nations have… tutted under their breath, declared how disappointed they are. And then continued as normal. Most nations reacted much the same to Uganda, I think only Sweden actually threatened any kind of consequences.

And I have to wonder, how much commitment to LGBT rights we actually have, as nations, as charities, as people? When LGBTs can be executed just for being, when we can be thrown in prison for over a decade for loving, when our existence is a crime punishable by death or the next thing to it – and we just carry on business as normal? Maybe spend a second to give a rueful shake of our head and say how so terrible it is. Then… move on? Is that it? I mean, really? Is that our stance on these crimes? Is this the extent of how angry, how outraged, how disgusted we are?

Because it seems pretty weak. It seems pretty empty. It seems pretty indifferent, seems like just a damn token gesture. It doesn’t matter, but we have to say the words. It’s not important, but we have to cover ourselves.

And that’s not a good feeling at all. Not only does it make me despair of the international community, nations et al actually giving a damn or doing something about the suffering, death and even massacres of GBLT people (and my expectations of these are pretty low already, especially given how quick people are to minimise GBLT persecution around the world) and it also angers and concerns me thinking about just how much the powers that be in our countries and international bodies actually give a damn about the persecution of GBLT people.

It worries me and it worries me more that I don’t know what the answer is. After all, international aid prevents millions from starving in these nations – even if their governments, churches and even themselves are bigots who would be happy to see me and other GBLT people imprisoned or killed – I can’t condone withdrawing what already minimal help the third world receives. But at the same time it galls greatly to think that my tax and charity money is going to help people who don’t see me as a full human being.

I wonder how bad things need to be for GBLT people before the international community brings up any consequences at all? And since we have countries where GBLTs can be openly tortured and killed for simply existing… well, the only answer I can think is that it CANNOT get bad enough to force the world’s nations to care – to force just about ANY of the world’s nations to care, let alone for them to care collectively. The utter worst treatment of GBLT people imaginable is tolerable, acceptable, not worth getting upset about and most certainly not worth acting on. Our existence can be seen as criminal, as sinful, as reason for torture and execution – and we get a disapproving head shake, the tutting under the breath, the rote recitations of disapproval and then, their cover well established, it’s back to business as usual.

We do not see sanctions for the abuse of GBLTs. There’s never any talk of UN intervention. There is no withdrawal of aid. There are no trade consequences. There are no diplomatic consequences. Nations who threaten to withdraw their ambassadors for the slightist little tiff, will not even consider it in response to genocide against GBLT people. Charities and NGOs do not withdraw from a grossly homophobic and transphobic nation. Supra-national unions like the Commonwealth will do no more than express disapproval over homophobic and transphobia. No matter how severe, no matter how brutal – no matter if the persecution amounts to outright genocide, nothing is done and, usually, nothing is even said.

And that is a chilling indication of how much our lives are worth.

With several coffees and a morning’s work under my belt, I look with trepidation at the new government – and already I’m very very worried.

Theresa May has been appointed as the new Home Secretary and Minister for Equality. A nice combination that means a lot of equality and justice in this country rests on her shoulders.

This is the woman in charge of protecting women and minorities. She is our champion, our shield, she is the one who ensures that equality laws and policies are applied – and how that application takes effect. She is, in short, a vital person for GBLT rights. In no small way, our rights and justice are very very dependent on this woman.

Shall we take a look at her voting record?

Voted against equalising the age of consent

Voted against the repeal of Section 28

Voted against gay couples adopting children. Twice.

Voted against IVF rights for lesbians

Stayed away from Parliament for all the Gender Recognition Acts

Was ABSENT when the Equality Act was voted on in relation to Sexual Orientation

She was absent for many of the Civil Partnership votes

I keep reading through her record and well… Well… damn. Well done Cameron you actually make Grayling look like the better bloody choice.

I suppose this is technically very clever. The Tories don’t actually have to pass homophobic legislation – they just make sure that the minister that is supposed to enforce, apply and otherwise implement anti-homophobia protections is a homophobe. And this way Clegg gets to keep on smiling and playing good guy while continuing to enable a government that screws us over.

This is not a good sign of things to come.

Asylum seekers – or, as I much refer to say, refugees. I know it’s not strictly accurate, but the British press has so demonised “Asylum Seekers” that it has become a convenient avoidant term. We use asylum seekers to imply fakers and slackers coming here to steals our monies and our jobz while being too lazy to work. Yeah, whatever. Call them refugees – call them what they are – people desperately fleeing from persecution. People fleeing from oppression, persecution, torture and death. People who have lost everything and are running for their lives. At least be HONEST about the hell you want to throw these people to!

Refugees and their rights are very much something GBLT people need to be interested and involved in. Because they are often our brothers and sisters. We know that, in much of the world, persecution of GBLT people is extreme to the point of genocide. The only reason it isn’t named as such is because the powers that be are often rather content with our destruction and are afraid of offending the religious lobby by acknowledging our persecution to such a degree. In fact, the UN resolution on sexual orientation and gender identity, asserting that GBLT people should have human rights and not be persecuted, had to be reduced to a “gesture” declaration with numerous voices speaking against it (including the Holy See, no surprises there, and considerable initial opposition from the US) and a 57 nation bloc supporting a counter-declaration declaring the opposite – that we don’t have and aren’t worthy of human rights.

Homosexuality is illegal in about 70 countries in the world. In 77 nations we can be prosecuted for having sex, for not being virgins, for not living a lie. Most of these prosecutions come with a prison sentence (and GBLT people in prison are amongst the most vulnerable there are). At least 27 of these can be sentences of 10 years or more. At least a further 8 nations will execute gay people. And that number is, shockingly, growing.

And this tells not even half the story. On paper, Iraq legalises homosexuality, yet it is one of the worst places in the world to be GBLT as a result of the occupation and rising religious control. South Africa not only legalises homosexuality but also outlaws all anti-gay discrimination AND recognises same-sex marriage. Yet persecution, including “corrective rape” is a horrendous problem and is rarely addressed by the authorities. On paper Egypt outlaws homosexuality with a prison sentence up to 3 years – but that doesn’t cover the repeated instances of torture inflicted on GBLT people.

In fact, one of the recurring problems of GBLT persecution is not only legal persecution by the state, but state indifference to persecution, state refusal to protect GBLT people from attacks, violence, rape, torture and killing. Often large organisations, communities and especially churches are ready and eager to encourage the persecution

This makes Asylum vital to these GBLT people. While we fight for the rights to be treated as full and equal citizens and to cling to what rights we have managed to obtain (vitally important) our GBLT siblings across the globe fight to exist, fight to live, fight just to be. They live in countries where even the most minimal tolerance is too much to ask and is fiercely denied. To these people the only sanctuary available is to flee and to be sheltered in a nation that will not see them dead or imprisoned for the audacious crime of existing.

But, very depressingly but unsurprisingly, we are not welcoming to GBLT people seeking safety. Amnesty international has decried the EU sending refugees back to countries where they will be tortured. Because accepting promises as a reasonable precaution would be laughable if it weren’t so pathetic – to expect a torturer to play fair, especially since we hardly check up after wards, is ridiculous to the point of enraging – it is clear indifference on our part to allow this to continue. The torturer’s “promise” gives us sufficient excuse to turn a blind eye.

The UK has been deporting gay asylum seekers for years – under the hollow excuse that if they are “discreet” they will be safe… so long as they stay in hiding they may escape persecution. Never mind the societal pressures to marry and have a family that make such “discretion” impossible. Never mind the self-destruction that being closeted brings. Never mind that even when we are discreet, our sexualities can still be discovered, can still be exposed. Under the cover of “discretion” we have deported gay people to countries like Jamaica, Iraq and even Iran.

Our record with the protection of gay refugees is shameful – with a refusal rate that dwarfs even the shamefully high refusal rate we have with non-gay refugees. The ignorance, denial of GBLT people as being GBLT, the refusal to accept the state of GBLT persecution and the insistence that the closet solves all ills means we offer no sanctuary to even the most brutally oppressed GBLT people around the world. Frankly this whole report is enough to make me sick, despite having seen it up close, bringing it home like this -the ignorance, the homophobia, the privilege, the sheer indifference to the suffering is a matter for pure rage.

It should also come as no surprise that marginalised bodies – women, ethnic minorities and GBLT people are among those most likely to suffer under this negligence. Devalued both by the persecutor and by the country of supposed safety, the suffering of these bodies is too often ignored.  This is a true intersectionality moment – a moment when we should come together and recognise that those of us who society devalues are the most at risk here. These are the most at risk of persecution abroad and indifference at home and the most in need of help.

The least we can offer these people is safety. It is so little to ask – and we are failing them.

I’ve been debating this for a while and with both Ricky Martin and Sean Hayes coming out and reporting on both – perhaps especially from the GBLT community.

The Glass Closet

For whatever reason, sometimes there is a general consensus that someone is gay before they have come out. And generally I disapprove – it’s not our place to decide that someone should be out or not. It’s not our place to decide whether they are ready to be out – no matter how sure we are that they are gay, no matter how sure we are that their sexuality is obvious.  Even if they are gay. For that matter, too often our assumptions that someone is gay are based on ridiculous stereotyping which, frankly, is beneath us. We should know BETTER than to decide that someone’s demeanour/taste/hobbies/mannerisms make them gay or not. Seriously, guys, don’t we get enough of that from the damn homophobes without us doing it ourselves?!

But even if we do know they’re gay? Still – their choice when they decide to make that a formal, open statement.

I had a friend who came out to me about 18 months ago. He was gay. I  was surprised – at him coming out. He spent more time in gay bars than I did. He was grossly unsubtle at checking other guys out. Oh and before Beloved and I were together, we had had a couple of intense make out sessions. Yet, he felt the need to come out to the man he had reached second base with. Are we clear that rational thought and the closet do not necessarily go together?

He was scared. He was afraid of what his family would say. He was afraid of what his friends would say. He was terrified of his life ending if he admitted he was gay. It was vital to him for his own mental well being to be able pretend he could control who knew and who didn’t – he needed this.

And no matter how “obvious” it may seem, that doesn’t mean that they are ready to come out. It doesn’t mean that their parents, siblings, aged grandmother and father confessor aren’t all being held at bay only by their denials (and, believe me, to a homophobic parent desperately hoping their child isn’t gay, even the most hollow denial will maintain that fantasy).

They have a DUTY to come out

The idea being that the more out celebs are out there the more normal being gay seems and the more accepted we are. And this is very very true – I can’t argue with it. More prominent out gay people will further push that we are normal people, just like everyone else. It is powerful, it does help us – and every out gay person can’t help but be an activist by sheer virtue of existing. Not because they have to march or campaign – but simply because in a society that denies we exist and fights our right to exist and merely existing in those circumstances, let alone being prominent, is an activist action.

But we have no right to force people to sacrifice their lives for a gesture – no matter how important that gesture is. Let’s be honest here, as many actors and sportsmen have said, coming out can end a career. It’s sad, it’s wrong – but it’s true. This is likely (and I say likely because I have no right to speak for them) WHY many sportsmen like Gareth Thomas and Daniel Kowalski as well as musicians like Ricky Martin waited until after they retired or after their career peaked/was well established before coming out. And even aside from their careers, we don’t know what their personal life is like. We don’t know what personal daemons they wrestle with (and we know that no small number of us has to wrestle with self-loathing, low self-esteem and general internalised homophobic badness) we don’t know how their family and friends will react. We don’t know what the cost will be for them – and we have no right to ask that for them.

I love it when they come out. I’d love if they did it when still at the height of their careers. I celebrate every single person who comes out as a person who has achieved freedom. as someone who has transcended the closet – and yes, overly grandiose word fully intended. But we have no right – not now, not ever, to demand they come out, to criticise how long it took them to come out or, gods forbid, to out them****

Is coming out news?

The argument here is that being gay is so normal and acceptable now that some prominent celebrity coming out as gay shouldn’t really be treated as news – because it’s nothing special or amazing

But, frankly, we all live in the Straight Republic of Hetlandia. We turn on the television and there are straight people everywhere. We walk around and we’re surrounded by straight people. Open a book, play a computer game, watch and advert, straightness is everywhere. Part of that is simple demographics – straight folks outnumber us many times over, after all – and part of it is the fact that homophobia has driven us to hide while heterosexism has erased us (or stereotyped us etc etc, see earlier rants).

And in the Straight Republic of Hetlandia, it is still heartening to see that real gay people exist – and they can be anything and anywhere. It is still heartening to see that we can be sportsmen (including hot beefy rugby players and Olympic gold medallists), it is heartening to see that gay people coming from all groups and all places (I am told that Ricky Martin is a great role model for hispanic gays, though can‘t comment, obviously). It is a reinforcement for all the gay kids that we exist and are successful and a part of society and this is a good thing.

Now the caveat to that. WHILE I think people coming out as gay IS newsworthy, that doesn’t mean the way the news reports it is necessarily ideal. I’ve spoken above about the problems of demanding people come out or saying “We all knew anyway” but there’s also a problem with being so terribly shocked by the news. Yes, it’s newsworthy – but it’s not shocking, surprising or horrifying. It’s not worthy of the kind of reporting that would normally be reserved for “David Cameron has grown another head and it eats BABIES!” or “Sarah Palin completed a coherent sentence!” It’s news worthy, but it’s not shocking. It’s not earth shattering. It’s the not biggest and most stunning thing in the history of mankind.

Reporting a celebrity coming out is a positive and reinforcing thing for us. Reporting it as earth-shattering and freaky really really isn’t.

****For many years I have wrestled over the idea of outing homophobes, and the full reasoning would take another post – but I have largely come down on the side of believing homophobic closet cases working against us are fair game.

This piece originally appeared at Womanist Musings where Renee has very generously allowed my random musings to appear on her excellent blog

Apparently, I am a virgin.
Now, this rather surprised me, all things considered. I rather thought all the sex I’d had disqualified me. It most certainly surprised Beloved when I told him (though it did paralyse him with uproarious laughter for some time)

But no, to some people I am a virgin – because I am a man who has never had sex with a woman. Specifically, I have never had penis-penetrating-a-vagina sex. And this is the only sex that counts. Yes, yes it is.  (Amusingly, some of these same people also believe that, as a gay man, I am also a promiscuous. This makes me a promiscuous virgin. It’s at this point that logic just said “Seriously?!” and left the room in a huff.)

I was surprised the first time and put it down to, well, extremist foolishness. After all, the homophobes have never been logical have they? And I’m sure that no belief or stance, no matter how silly or hateful, isn’t held by someone somewhere (and that he has internet access).

Except it wasn’t isolated. Several times I have come across people who decided I had never ever had sex, or never had “real” sex, because no woman was involved in the proceedings. Often they combined it the old foolishnesses of “how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never had sex with a woman?” (I was so tired of saying “and have you had sex with a man?“ that I had to mix it up a little “have you ever had sex with a lawn mower? No? Then how do you know you won’t like it!”) and “you only need to meet the right girl” (which is several kinds of annoying when I’ve already met the right guy) that I’m sure we’ve all heard and mocked before. But still, there was a surprising number of these “the only real sex is penis/vagina sex” out there.

And then I read  this little linky from the Kinsey institute. That pointed me to this study.  30% of people who took the study did not consider oral sex to be sex. 20% did not consider anal sex to be sex. That’s a pretty limited definition of sex there – and one that leaves me in the category of “not had sex.” In short, 20% of people who took this study think I’m a virgin.

And suddenly “quaint, silly, little eccentricity” becomes something rather more. It says rather a lot of our attitudes towards sex. It shows we have a very heteronormative view of sex – and a very restrictive view of sex. By privileging a sex act that is seen as quintessentially heterosexual as the only ‘real’ sex then we, in turn, lessen homosexual sex. We’re not capable of ‘real’ sex, it’s lesser sex, fake sex, not ‘proper’ sex. I can’t see this attitude as anything but harmful, just as any devaluing assumption is.

I don’t think considering only acts that try to expressly exclude gay people to count as real sex is motivated by homophobia in most cases (though the motivation doesn’t change that it is harmful), let me be clear. I rather think that it’s down to obsession with one particular act coupled with a whole lot of desperate self-justification (I’m not having sex, I’m just…) and just the general weirdness that comes with humanity’s collective horror and obsession with sex. I’m rather at a loss as to explain the full silliness of it, I confess.

I don’t know the motivations, but still, to 20% of these people, I am a virgin. And I’m not sure whether to be amused or insulted.

Recently I’ve been seeing this video being passed around various parts of the gay blogosphere and it makes me highly uncomfortable. (And that’s beyond the fact that every legal bone in my body screams in outraged embarrassment watching these farcical parodies of a court room and the clownish ‘judges’ that seem determined to destroy any respect due to the law.

See, many people have been praising this. And I can see some many big reasons for praise. It is wonderful to see someone speaking out clearly and passionately in favour of gay people – it is wonderful to see a (presumably) straight man talk about how being gay is ok, that we have every right to be happy with who we are. I loved him countering the religious hate we see so often and it heartened me to hear such words of support and acceptance. It is wonderful to see someone try to be an ally and speak  in genuine kindness about gay people.

But there is some severe privilege fail in this video. And clinging to the good he’s said and completely ignoring that very questionable privilege fail is not helpful. We are past the point of handing over-the-top cookies of happiness to everyone who can mouth vague platitudes about us – or we should be. I sometimes feel that there is a habit in the GBLT community to be ridiculously grateful for even the slightest gesture of kindness towards us. I know the reason for it, I have the same instinct myself. Sometimes the feeling of “oh my gods, they don’t hate us!” surges strong that we’re willing to overlook some pretty nasty crap.

It’s why grossly stereotyped portrayals in TV or in books are not greeted with derision and rage – and criticism is often rather delicate and careful. It’s why clueless privilege is often given a free pass, even when someone has said something ignorant or painful. It’s why even passionate gay allies can often say things that make me cringe. Because so few of us will criticise anyone or anything that attempts to be even half-way positive no matter how harmful or painful or insulting or offensive that we are giving an ok to this behaviour.

No that doesn’t mean we need to leap onto an ally and beat them with great big sticks (unless they like that ), but ANY ally will occasionally make mistakes – because that’s what having privilege MEANS. http://sparkindarkness.livejournal.com/306490.html And any ally should be able to take and learn from reasoned and careful criticism – and if they CAN’T then I question whether they’re an ally or just looking for patented ally cookies for being so nice to the gays. Moreover we OWE it to we allies to criticise them when they make mistakes – sure we don’t have a duty to teach – but how will our allies learn to be allies and support us if we won’t even criticise?

It can be awkward, certainly. It’s awkward when a great friend who once punched out a homophobe for you keeps repeatedly making “it’s such a shame/waste you’re gay” comments. It’s not easy criticising a passionate friend and ally because he keeps criticising you for being closeted at the Westboro Baptist Church Guns & Flamethrowers exhibition. It’s not easy to criticise the vehement activist and ally who can’t seem to write a story about a gay man who isn’t a fashion designer, hair dresser, florist or interior decorator (and you know skater is going to maker that list in the next few months, don’t you?)

But, if we can’t manage this, then we’re setting ourselves up for a fall. We’re setting ourselves up to be easily bought and easily placated – already the Tory Party is trying to win us over with pretty rhetoric and token gestures and they’re hardly the only ones. We also give support and credence to damaging behaviour, harmful stereotypes and destructive labels – because we’re too unwilling to call out wannabe-allies when they perpetuate them.

This video has some severe privilege in it. Even aside from the “Miss Thang” comment, we have here a (presumably) straight man trying to force a possible gay man out of the closet and CRITICISING him and an actual gay man for not coming out sooner. He calls being outed a “favour” AND he casually dismisses the pain and damage caused by family and friends rejecting a newly out GBLT person.

That is privilege – severe, ignorant privilege. And by ignoring it we are giving it a pass – we are saying that such a casual, dismissive attitude towards the pain of the closet and the dangers of coming out is acceptable – even laudable. It isn’t. It could, very literally, be a case of life and death

I love that he said such supportive things. I love that he accepts gay people as gay people. I love that he respects gay people as gay people and he rejects homophobia. But it is possible to love that and at the same time say that he has made some mistakes there

This piece originally appeared at Womanist Musings where Renee has very generously allowed my random musings to appear on her excellent blog

This is probably going to be less reasoned than my average post. Largely because it comes from a whole lot of anger that has roiled in me.

I am so very tired of being told how to be me. I am tired of being told how to be a man. I am tired of being told how to be gay. I am tired of being afraid of “doing it wrong” and I deeply regret the foolish things I’ve done in the past in an attempt to “conform” to some standard.

I am a man. All I need is what is in my head that tells me I am male. I am not any less of a man because I am gay. Yes I’m short and yes I’m slight. I’m not going to bulk up in the gym because it would look awful on me. My slight stature doesn’t make me less manly. I’m not going to cut my long hair to fit some narrow definition of what a man is supposed to be, because men don‘t have long hair.

I like to look good, though I eschew fashion labels, I’m not going to wear stained rags because it’s somehow more “manly” to look like a tramp. I’m not going to pretend interest in sport (well, any sport that doesn’t involve speedos anyway) because that’s what “real men” do. I’m not going to be fascinated by DIY or sports cars or power tools and I still think BBQs are a damned inefficient way of cooking. I will not feign interest in “manly” things to conform to how a man “should“ be.

I look back and regret the times I avoided cooking – because a man didn’t cook and if I cooked it would be proof of how gay men weren‘t real men. I regret the tedious hours I spent trying to garner the slightest interest in sports – because I feared failing as a man. I remember the endless doubt and shame about my clothes, about my appearance about my hobbies. I wouldn’t discuss my taste in music, even with close friends, for fear that my taste would reveal me to be less than a true man, that it would show that I was the homo, the poof, the queer, the fag.

I reject a ridiculously narrow standard of what it means to be a man. I reject that a man must meet these foolish, harmful standards. And when I don’t meet that standard, it’s not because I’m gay. It’s not because a gay man is less of a man. My “effeminate” or “less manly” behaviour or tastes most certainly does not somehow prove some trait about gay men everywhere. I am my own person and it is an absurdity to infer anything about other gay men by my actions.

I am a gay man. The fact I am a man solely attracted to other men, and that I identify as gay is enough to make me a gay man.  I am not any less gay because I am not flamboyant enough. I am not closeting myself because I don’t wear glitter or rainbows or pink (pink? I look AWFUL in pink). I am not refusing to embrace my gayness by not wanting to wear drag. My monogamous life and preference for monogamy is not some kind of betrayal of what it means to be GBLT. It doesn’t make me a wanna-be heterosexual. My domestic partnership (gah I hate that ridiculous term – my MARRIAGE as it should be) doesn’t make me somehow not truly gay.

I am gay by all pertinent definition. Trying to force us into a horrendously narrow box of a series of connected stereotypes is damaging and insulting to all of us. We are more than this, we are greater than this – we run the full range of all things human. You can’t squeeze us into a tiny box – we don’t fit and you’ll hide so much of us – that which you don’t cut away to force us in.

I am a gay man. By definition I am doing it right – both being gay and being male. Because that is WHO I am. You can’t tell me someone else does it better, knows it better or that I am somehow doing it wrong. I can’t get being me wrong.

I don’t need instructions for being me.

And all being me tells you about… is me. No-one else. Just me.

This video dropped upon in my to do pile from several sources.

It’s a CBS ‘documentary’ from 1967 on the “HOMOSEXUALS” naturally, it’s triggery and down right unpleasant.

For once Beloved actually looked over my shoulder to see what I was watching, cringed and said “don’t we have enough shit today without looking at past shit?” (I didn’t marry him for his eloquence. Or his fish. Or him not putting milk on the shopping list). Why did I want to look at a video showing how bad things were?

Except, this isn’t just history. This isn’t the Norman Conquest or the Civil War. We’re not talking an event that happened over 3 centuries ago.  This video was made in 1967 – that’s hardly a long time ago. In fact, it was only in 1967 that gay sex became legal in England. That cannot be said enough – sodomy laws in the UK were still on the books in 1967. Gay sex was illegal in 1967. This was within living memory – and I don’t mean in a World-War-1-some-extremely-old-people-with-the-Queen’s-Telegram-can-remember-it, living memory (though, certainly historical events that are centuries old can have major present effects). I mean in the lifetime of my parents.  Scotland didn’t legalise gay sex until 1980. Northern Ireland not until 1982 – I was born in 1981, this happened in my relatively short lifetime. It wasn’t until 2000 that the age consent was equalised (and the bizarre restriction on gay threesomes was removed) I remember that. I remember the SCREAMING MEEMIES the haters had over it. I remember mainstream newspapers printing stories about gay predators seeking out children.

There are people alive today who were arrested and convicted under this law. These people were persecuted by this law, their lives derailed and damaged by this law. How different would their lives have been – lives of people still living. There are literally people today with “buggery” on their criminal records – who have to declare that. Consensual gay sex is STILL appearing on criminal records. That’s not ancient history. That’s not something we can brush over. That’s not something we can pretend happened in a different time to different people.

You can’t pretend it’s a long time ago. It wasn’t – and not only does it leave stains of vileness like that faced by Mr. Crawford, not only does it cause heroes like Alan Turing to be largely removed from the pages of history – but it is still very much a part of our daily lives.

Major, virulent and legal homophobia was not a thing of the past – its vilest forms were common within our lifetimes. This isn’t a historical context – this is today’s context.

We’re not so far away from these times of acceptable hatred to be safe. We’re not so far away from them that we can be so sure we’d never go back to them. We’re not living in a new age or a new era. We’re not looking at the quaint vagaries of a more backward age. We’re looking at our lifetimes, our parent’s lifetimes, the lifetimes of the people in power and the people who are trying to destroy us. This isn’t a distant THEN, this is still very much a relevant NOW.

When the haters spout off their vile rhetoric, they are speaking in this context – because such hatred was the norm such a short time ago – and this is what they wish to return to. Because this is what they remember. And pushing us back to it wouldn’t involve going back all that far.

And that is frightening. We’ve come a long way in a short time – but the time is short and we haven’t left the hatred behind. This isn’t yesterday’s hatred. This isn’t yesterday’s bigotry

There has been a poll recently that is most curious.

It seems 59% of responders on this CBS poll support homosexuals into the military.
However, 70% of the SAME PEOPLE support gays and lesbians in the military.

Ok, let’s take a moment to despair of humanity. Yes yes, people really are that stupid.

I remind myself that the fools in this poll may represent Palin supporters and we can’t expect reality based thinking.

I think it’s a great lesson about how dubious statistics are and how easily they can be manipulated and twisted (another good example is on that poll about gay men and open relationship examined by the ever excellent Box Turtle Bulletin) and how even the language of a question can make all the difference in the oddest of ways.

There has been a debate in some GBLT circles about the use of the word “homosexual.” They point out – rightly – that it is clinical, that it was originally used as a word to diagnose a mental illness that,  and that, like the term “same sex attraction/SSA” (a phrase I don’t like) and “men who have sex with men/msm” (another phrase I’m not mad keen on) it overly emphasises our sex lives.

Still, I’ve always used the word. Partially because I haven’t yet found a good synonym I like for “homosexuality” (gayness? Um, no.) also because I use the word “heterosexual” because I’ve done a lot of mental running around with the term “straight.” Which is a good word – except the opposite of straight is “bent” which is, of course, an anti-gay slur. Still, I think straight has divorced itself from that and now stands well on its own.

So the point of all this musing? Well, I’ve used homosexual and generally not given much time or thought on the matter – I’ve known people had objections, even conceded them as valid, but at the same time considered it to be an issue of general indifference and rather supreme unimportance. Gods, it’s still nigh impossible to convince people not to drop “fag” left right and centre – let alone using “gay” as a generic negative descriptor (if 2 days can go by without me hearing that, it’d be a first. Actually 1 day would be kind of nice) and you want to start on “homosexual“?

And now it’s been raised again, and I’ve been thinking, especially thinking about the fact I don’t actually DISAGREE with anything they have said about the word ‘homosexual’ but I don’t agree with their vehemence on the issue.

Am I going to get offended by the word? No. That’s foolish. It doesn’t offend me and never has. To suddenly start pretending it does offend me will dilute my stance on slurs that do truly annoy, hurt, insult and offend me. And I going to push others to stop using “homosexual“? Also no. I think the word is adequate – it has problems but it’s in no way in the “ZOMG NEVER SAY THAT EVAH!” category.

Am I going to stop using it? Probably. Though, in truth, I read one blog comment on it that asked me to put it in a sentence – and I realised in a SPOKEN sentence, I couldn’t. I just don’t say it. I have never said “I am a homosexual” I’ve always said “I am gay.” It’s an idiosyncrasy of  writing, not speech. But yes I’ll probably stop using the word. Not, it has to be said, due to this poll directly (because polls and statistics are so very very very messy and because, well, a bunch of fools who are in dire need of a thesaurus and a good slapping are not going to change my word use) but because the poll has raised the old debate and the people who DON’T like the word “homosexual” have very good points I agree with – albeit I’m not nearly as vehement as they are.

I don’t think it’s a BAD word (though it has a bad history – but which gay descriptor DOESN’T? – and is overly clinical and/or sexual) just that “gay” and “lesbian” are better words.

Still habit is habit and, as I said, I’m not so bothered by the word to make a huge conscious effort not to use it but, in general?

So yes I’ll probably be using more “gay” and “lesbian” and less “homosexual.”