sparkindarkness | The benefit of being a lawyer...

Is that if someone REALLY drives me up the wall I KNOW that they're hurting themselves more than they hurt me :)

Mr. C, I sympathise, your divorce proceedings were a shambles and you, well, you just got fleeced. BAADLY. In fact we are going to try to have the whole damn financial package re-evaluated so you don’t end up checking into a cardboard hotel for the rest of your days.

Yes, I understand that you are marginally irate about this, but I would like to take this opportunity to remind you of my previous advice (because kicking a man when he’s down is just FUN after he’s devoted no small amount of time to giving me grey hairs). I advised you to give full and clear disclosure of your assets and income. You didn’t. You lied. You lied to me, you lied to the court, you falsified documents, you shredded documents, you hid assets, you tried to transfer assets, you tried to destroy assets, you had some extremely dodgy valuations and generally force me to deal with ACCOUNTANTS for hours on end.

ACCOUNTANTS Mr. C. They made me do MATHS. They had CALCULATORS and BALANCE SHEETS and spoke in a language that wasn’t even tangentially related to English or common sense. I don’t do maths, Mr. C. I’m a lawyer, I’m a language person, not a number person. I was not amused.

And at the end of these torturous weeks of burrowing through numbers we STILL didn’t have any specific information to give the Hungry Hungry Hippos. Our estimates as to the size of your assets (minds OUT of the gutter please!) varied massively and you wouldn‘t confirm ANYTHING! And whenever your bald face lies and forgeries were exposed you just flat denied them. This? Did not help.

We actually spent so much money on accountants and surveyors and billable hours trying to track this all down and mine through your, let us be honest here, FRAUDULENT paperwork that I’m not even sure you can pay the bill with the assets left to you.

WEEKS of POINTLESS MATHS, Mr. C. There will be a haddocking for this.

Of COURSE you were ruined in the settlement. The judge was ROYALLY pissed. You NEVER make a judge royally pissed. A royally pissed judge is worse than a rabid grizzly bear! In the end we were working with nothing more than an educated guess of your actual assets, so badly had you obfuscated your actual means. I don’t think even YOU knew how much money you had by this point (here’s a hint - a lot less than you WOULD have had if you’d been honest with us, the whole divorce took MONTHS longer than it had to).

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times DO NOT LIE TO YOUR LAWYER, IT WILL ONLY COST YOU MONEY!

But you’re pissed. At me apparently (hey at least we share the same feelings for each other) and have threatened to sue me (oh how drole it is when people threaten to sue lawyers!) One may think that I should be taking such a threat more seriously except for the first steps he took in launching his furious legal action against me.

He contacted my firm for a lawyer. Wait, skip back to the beginning of this line and read that again. He contacted the firm where I work for a lawyer to sue me. Or, to put it another way, he is trying to get my firm to sue itself.

I am actually in awe. The Hounds don’t want to eat him, such stupidity needs preserving as a rare and incredible thing. At least I hope and pray that such stupidity IS rare.

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jocelyncs.livejournal.com

Wow. Just...wow.

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