The benefit of being a lawyer...

[sparkindarkness]

Is that if someone REALLY drives me up the wall I KNOW that they're hurting themselves more than they hurt me :)



Mr. C, I sympathise, your divorce proceedings were a shambles and you, well, you just got fleeced. BAADLY. In fact we are going to try to have the whole damn financial package re-evaluated so you don’t end up checking into a cardboard hotel for the rest of your days.




Yes, I understand that you are marginally irate about this, but I would like to take this opportunity to remind you of my previous advice (because kicking a man when he’s down is just FUN after he’s devoted no small amount of time to giving me grey hairs). I advised you to give full and clear disclosure of your assets and income. You didn’t. You lied. You lied to me, you lied to the court, you falsified documents, you shredded documents, you hid assets, you tried to transfer assets, you tried to destroy assets, you had some extremely dodgy valuations and generally force me to deal with ACCOUNTANTS for hours on end.

ACCOUNTANTS Mr. C. They made me do MATHS. They had CALCULATORS and BALANCE SHEETS and spoke in a language that wasn’t even tangentially related to English or common sense. I don’t do maths, Mr. C. I’m a lawyer, I’m a language person, not a number person. I was not amused.

And at the end of these torturous weeks of burrowing through numbers we STILL didn’t have any specific information to give the Hungry Hungry Hippos. Our estimates as to the size of your assets (minds OUT of the gutter please!) varied massively and you wouldn‘t confirm ANYTHING! And whenever your bald face lies and forgeries were exposed you just flat denied them. This? Did not help.

We actually spent so much money on accountants and surveyors and billable hours trying to track this all down and mine through your, let us be honest here, FRAUDULENT paperwork that I’m not even sure you can pay the bill with the assets left to you.

WEEKS of POINTLESS MATHS, Mr. C. There will be a haddocking for this.

Of COURSE you were ruined in the settlement. The judge was ROYALLY pissed. You NEVER make a judge royally pissed. A royally pissed judge is worse than a rabid grizzly bear! In the end we were working with nothing more than an educated guess of your actual assets, so badly had you obfuscated your actual means. I don’t think even YOU knew how much money you had by this point (here’s a hint - a lot less than you WOULD have had if you’d been honest with us, the whole divorce took MONTHS longer than it had to).

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times DO NOT LIE TO YOUR LAWYER, IT WILL ONLY COST YOU MONEY!


But you’re pissed. At me apparently (hey at least we share the same feelings for each other) and have threatened to sue me (oh how drole it is when people threaten to sue lawyers!) One may think that I should be taking such a threat more seriously except for the first steps he took in launching his furious legal action against me.

He contacted my firm for a lawyer. Wait, skip back to the beginning of this line and read that again. He contacted the firm where I work for a lawyer to sue me. Or, to put it another way, he is trying to get my firm to sue itself.

I am actually in awe. The Hounds don’t want to eat him, such stupidity needs preserving as a rare and incredible thing. At least I hope and pray that such stupidity IS rare.

Comments

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just...wow.

[baranduyn.livejournal.com]

You can't feed anything that stupid to the hounds or any other corporeal entity for that matter. Bad shit will happen. Black holes will open up, dimensions will collide, Victoria Beckham will eat an entire fourth of a sandwich, Miley Cyrus will win an Academy Award and deserve it.

No, all you can do with something that stupid is mulch. I just wouldn't apply it to anything edible. Nobody wants to see three headed animals.

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's a really special kind of special.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

I really have no words. Really I don't.

[seryan.livejournal.com]

...

You realize you posted this on the one night I'm out of Brain Glue, right? Because now I really need it.

[semiotic-pirate.livejournal.com]

Oh my. Smack this idiot with the Haddocks! The Hounds can chase him down the roads, up and down, all over town so that his inanity can be seen by all.

My sympathies to you for your suffering.

[touchstone.livejournal.com]

Up and down, up and down
I will lead you up and down
I am feared in field and town
I will lead you up and down

Just hadta.

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

...isn't a firm suing itself sorta like having one of those time travel episodes where the person meets themselves? dammit, I wanted to set off the apocalypse. no fair!

[illiana-galean.livejournal.com]

As much as I hate to say this...YAY! The Hounds are back!!! *gives fresh non stupid steaks to Hounds* *loves Hounds* *plays with Hounds* I missed the Hounds.

I just got through with a horrific custody battle. Long story short, he got custody at the divorce because he was employed and I was professional cookie baking mom. Anyway. DO NOT! Under ANY circumstances! EVER!!!! Lie to your council!! EVER!! Did I stress the DO NOT EVER thing? I think I did.

It WILL seriously screw you in the end. My ex? Learned this the hard way. First lawyer dropped him like hot brick. The second? Got eaten alive by my (late) attorney of awesomeness and owner of U.S. edition of the Hounds.

MATHS?! HE MADE YOU DO MATHS!? Oh my various Gods! Please, send a few more mythical beings after his ass for that. Maths are bad!!! *contemplates summoning Loki on your behalf*

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

is it mean to laugh at the mentally disabled? Because this one is several bricks short of a barrowload.

[thisdaydreamer.livejournal.com]

Oh, my. He is truly a thing of wonder.

[meridae.livejournal.com]

Can I come and work for you? I do filing and make coffee and it doesn't need to be anything important. You just need to let me hide in a corner of your office when you haddock clients ::nodnod:: Haddocking doctors isn't nearly as much fun cos they get all pissy and complain to your manager.

[beladibaby.livejournal.com]

That snapping noise? Would be my brain.

[drharper.livejournal.com]

I showed this story to my lawyer dad and paralegal mom. They cackled.

The potential stupidity of the human race never fails to astound me. Lying to your lawyer is like lying to your doctor, folks. It is a VERY BAD IDEA!

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

I spy a client in need of a good bitch-slapping. Look on the bright side, you're not going to have to deal with him in the future.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Isn't it so very very special?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

She'll eat more than the crust? And an award? NOOOO! This cannot be!

I was thinking of treating it like toxic waste

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It really needs a special prize, doesn't it?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It boggles doesn't it?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I always loved that comic.

Call Darwin! He keeps spare - and I can borrow his chainsaw of natural selection!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

And then all can poiint and laugh. It will be therapeutic

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Heee hee, my apocalypse!

Aww, don't worry, when the world is remade you can break that one :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

The Hounds will always be here while the stupid is this strong :)

It's amazing how people think that if they lie all the problems will just melt away!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yes it is. but we shall do it anyway

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Stunning isn't he?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

You can be chief hound kenneller :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

You neded to glue it back together so we cna laugh at him some more

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's just insane - there is just NO explanation for the insanity of it. Surely even the slightest common sense will tell you that some lies are useless (and lying to your doctor? Yes because that'll help!)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Cut him loose and relax as I watch him check into cardboard motel :)

[jenim.livejournal.com]

I deal with a great deal of muppetry every day. However, this is definitely todays winner by far...

[illiana-galean.livejournal.com]

Pfft, lying. That's when validly angry ex-wives, and equally pissed off paralegals come up with all sorts of information proving otherwise. Gods I do love the Freedom of Information Act.

ETA- Mind if I forward this to said paralegal? I know she could use the funny.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I ahve some very special kinds of muppets

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

::blinks::

Ladies and gentlemen, and assorted other creatures, I am in awe.

The man who wants to pay to get someone to go screw themselves. Or am I misunderstanding Mr. C.'s intent?

[anastasiab.livejournal.com]

BEEN THERE. Or similar. I fired one this morning and was ranting, and dr. harper sent me here. Ah, the catharsis of reading this.

I'm so sorry they made you do maths.

[vamprino.livejournal.com]

"DO NOT LIE TO YOUR LAWYER, IT WILL ONLY COST YOU MONEY!"
If I could, I would totally put that on a T-shirt...

"There will be a haddocking for this."
Congratulations. You have won an internet :)

Honestly, I could go on and on quoting this post back to you :p
You win. That is all.

(oh yeah, I wandered over from metaquotes. Can I friend you? I loved reading your other posts!)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

By all means, the more the merrier :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It does you good to have a chance to really kick one of the idiots out :)


They will pay. Oh yes

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Such stupidity is almost wondrous.


yes, pretty much that sums it up. Impressive isn't it?