Spark In Darkness

I spoke, as requested, about how to create a gay-positive atmosphere to support kids and teens growing up who may be gay. This is always a big thing for me because I think that gay kids and teens are incredibly vulnerable

The next part (also requested) is naturally, what to do when someone comes out to you as gay.

Firstly I’d say go to the inestimable Plaid Adder’s site and look for her extremely good guide on a Straight person’s Guide to Gay Etiquette. It is both funny and informative

I will not repeat it here because most of what is covered there is just so universally useful. I will, however, add things from my own experience and thoughts. I also won’t talk about the “experienced outcomer” since Plaid Adder covers it AND if someone like me is coming out to you then there’s little need to protect or shelter me and we’re generally tough enough to deal with the badness out there. However, I WILL say do NOT assume someone is experienced just by their age. There are 19 year olds out there who have been out to all and sundry for years just as there are 70 year olds who are just now cracking the closet door. I would say assume your outcomer is inexperienced unless it is obvious they are not.

Preamble aside:

The overriding rule, I think is: Be positive

Don’t be fake and ridiculous. You don’t need to do the “YAY HOMO!” dance. You don’t have to call in cheerleaders. You don’t have to act like you’ve just won the lottery. BUT this is a positive thing. This is a good thing. This is time to make it abundantly clear that you are happy and wonderful.

Any doubts you have about homosexuality? Yeah NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Any concerns you have about homophobia? NOT NOW! Worried that your child will now never give you a grandchild - SHUT UP AND DEAL. NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Seriously, I can’t emphasise this enough. There can be no negative here - NOT NOW. No matter how important you think it is, or how much it matters this is NOT THE TIME. You need to be sincerely happy, supportive and positive without a single HINT of a reservation.

Is this hard? Well it’s nothing compared to what that gay person is going through coming out to you. When a gay person comes out to you (especially an inexperienced one) they are incredibly vulnerable, afraid, worried and putting their heart and mental well being in your hands because they value you enough that they need you to know. That is a huge responsibility and a massive complement. It is an immense gesture of trust and friendship. Treat it with the respect and honour it deserves.

REMEMBER: When a gay person is coming out, especially if they’re only just coming out, calm, logical, coldly objective thought is NOT HAPPENING. They are likely thinking of the 101 horrible things that can go wrong here. No matter how obviously pro-gay you think you are, the poor gay person coming out is going to be horribly thinking of the worst. And it’s not always unjustified - the first person I came out to was my best friend - we grew up together, I never imagined he’d be hostile. And he responded by planting his fist on my jaw. I repeat - that outcomer is worried and half expecting a hostile, negative reaction. Don’t feed that, don’t imply even slightly that being gay is a bad thing. Don’t make them think you’re smiling to be polite while internally you are screaming “save me Jesus from the evil homo!”

That’s the main point, I think - but there are some important don’ts growing from that.

DON’T:
Talk about homophobia. Positive, remember? Even if you want to shout out that you’ll be there with them defending them against all and sundry. This is not the time to remind the outcomer that there are no small number of people who want them dead. ESPECIALLY if you’re going to say something like “I wish you weren’t gay, you’re going to be harrassed by arseholes” because you are suggesting being gay is a BAD THING (not rational thinking mode, remember?) By all means talk about homophobia LATER and make it clear you’ve got their back - but not now.

Be dismissive. Sure it may seem great to take the pressure off by saying “It doesn’t matter” it does matter very much to gay people. Don’t deflate one of the biggest moments of their lives (if anything you’re showing how very much you do not get it). Do not try to change the subject or move on quickly. Sure, you may think you’re normalising the experience and acting like being gay is normal and mundane - but what it sounds like is you’re trying to AVOID the subject.

Ask personal questions. Questions are good. Asking about their sex life etc isn’t. Unless you have that kind of very close relationship, the chances are if they’re only just getting round to telling people they’re gay, they’re not ready to discuss the nitty gritty of their romantic, emotional and sexual lives. Sure, do it later - enjoy some eye candy together if possible :). But not now. Now will just make a hard, awkward moment into a hard, awkward and embarrassing moment.

Ask “who knows/who can I tell.” The first isn’t your business and can look like pressure to tell certain people. The second answer is “no-one.” No. Really. They get to choose who knows and who doesn’t and they get to do the coming out. Not you. You do not out someone. Ever (I realise there is some political debate about outing closeted homophobic politicians which is another issue. Regardless - if you’re STRAIGHT then I don’t think even that possible opt out applies). This is a part of their life that they need to control.

Say you already know. Even if you do. Plaid Adder says this very well, but like the above, the gay person needs to feel in control over this. Don’t act ridiculously shocked, especially if you aren’t - but they need at least the illusion that this is under their control. Considering the hate and the violence out there, that’s not exactly surprising.

Tell them you’ll keep their secret. Ooooh, that surprised you didn’t it? :) This is complicated - but if someone says “I’m gay” and your response is “I won’t tell anyone” then you’re making it pretty obvious that you think they should keep is hidden and you regard it as having being let in to some big dark secret. That’s not positive! That’s not affirming! Positive positive positive guys! Sure, if they ask you reassure them, even make it clear you won’t tell anyone without their consent - but it’s not a big shameful secret or an inconvenient skeleton to push into the closet

Bring up a stereotype. Not even if you think it’s funny. If your response to the words “I’m a lesbian” is “hey you can help me put up shelves then!” or to “I’m gay” is “great, I need someone to go shopping with!” then please stop and rethink. Stereotypes are damaging. Even if you think that you’re diffusing the situation and using humour to make it clear you're fine - trying to force your friend into a narrow stereotyped box doesn’t help. You are telling them they have to act a certain way in order to be gay (my previous point about ‘doing it wrong‘ applies). You are telling them you expect them to change now you know they’re gay. You are telling them your relationship will change and you will treat them differently now you know they’re gay. Don’t - they’re the same person they always have been. You just know more about them now




It’s not about you. REALLY not
Some people need reminding about this so much it hurts. Some people are so stuck in their own lives that they can even make a friend coming out all about them. So let’s address this for the sake of the poor GBLTs out there who need one of the biggest and hardest moments of their lives to be about them:

“But I believe homosexuality is wrong! My religion/religious leader/politician/invisible pink unicorn says so!”
First of all - grow up and do some thinking and stop absorbing the dogma of hate - but that‘s another post.
Secondly - your friend needs you. Your friend is so fragile, so vulnerable right now - what you do now can leaves scars on them that can last for years, if not the rest of their lives. If, later, when they‘re stronger and more secure, you feel the need to distance yourself from them or even give them extremely unwanted and unhelpful lectures then that’s your business - they’re probably better off without you, to be honest. BUT, if you have even the slightest shred of humanity in you then you will NOT do this when an inexperienced, fragile gay person is coming out to you. Seriously, don’t, because that is evil.

Why did they keep this secret from me? Don‘t they love me/trust me/do they think I‘m a bigot?
Unless you are or have been a closeted gay person you do not even begin to understand what it’s like. You do not understand the fear, the pain, the agony of self-realisation. Believe me when I say they had damn good reason. Do not make this beautiful act of trust about your hurt fee-fees.

But anal sex is yucky!
Are they bending you over against a wall and reaching for the lube? No? Then why the hell is your opinion on anal sex - or any perceived “gay” sex (and, really, you need to widen your horizons a little) even remotely relevant here?!

For parents: But I want grandchildren!
Firstly, being gay doesn’t mean childless. Secondly are you willing to crush your child’s emotional well being and leave mental scars that will take years to fade is ever because you want a baby to dandle on your knee? You’re a parent - if your child is coming out to you then this is most certainly a time to show that UNCONDITIONAL and UNRESERVED love that a parent is supposed to show a child because you, more than anyone else in the whole world, have the power to rip out that kid’s heart. Don’t. Please. Don’t.

For Parents: “It’s because I didn’t breast feed/was working too much/let her play with action man!”
Firstly: No-one is 100% sure what causes being gay, but there are more studies pointing to homosexuality being inherent than there are about left or right handedness.
Secondly: It doesn’t matter WHY your child is gay - you child is gay. Now. And that’s not going to change.
Thirdly: If you’re looking for something to blame, you’re implying being gay is a bad thing. Don’t do that to them. You have the potential to do more damage to them than anyone else in the world. Don’t.



I can’t think of anything else right now. But I know a lot of GBLT people read my journal - anything else to add? :)

Because we all need it now and then

UK to make sex education compulsory (though faith schools can keep their education ‘congruous’ with their beliefs. Poor kids). INCLUDING STDs, AND Gay relationships. Ignorance kills, this is a wonderful development.

opened, funded by the lottery fund, that brings 101 UK gay groups together in one place. (So many links! So little time to read them all!!!!) It’s sad that it’s based only in the Southwest - but this is what we need across the country

British Museum will be hosting events for GBLT history month. The event is on Nov 19th though GBLT history month is February - so don‘t get the calendars mixed up (insert shortest month joke here)

3rd Conference for GBLT Armed forces 3rd-4th December. It’s amazing that after so long where gays were banned from the military that this can now happen.

They may be ridiculous bigots - but damn it’s amusing to see them slapped down Really, you don’t need to satirise them, they are just so obviously ridiculous.

Teacher who was suspended for setting “controversial” paper on homosexuality in the animal kingdom has been reinstated after student protest

Lesbian mothers in Tasmania get legal recognition

US senate committee holds hearing on bill to protect GBLT people from discrimination in employment

Tampa city council votes for protection for trans people

Detroit elects openly gay councilman

Voters in Washington improve extended gay rights for gay couples

There is good news out there. The fight is been won - and it is worth fighting. Don’t let anyone dismiss, distract or devalue the battle for equality or justice.

First of all some good news: Scotland is going to give Lesbians equal IVF rights to heterosexual women. Excellent - lesbians have as much worth, skill and ability as women and mothers as heterosexuals. About time this homophobic assumption that our families and our abilities as parents are worth less than heterosexuals.

The Catholic church, naturally, is vehemently opposed. Their spokesman said:
“frivolous waste of money on people who have chosen a lifestyle that is incompatible with having children.”

No surprises there - I’m told the homophobia that seems to so dominate the Catholic church is the minority - I have my doubts since so much of the organisation is universally and uncompromisingly homophobic. I am becoming ever more thankful that the Catholic church becomes increasingly less relevant with every passing year



Then there’s the case of Lillian Ladele, the Islington registrar who decided she would only do her job (providing civil marriages) when it fit her RELIGIOUS beliefs.


I wrote about this before when she won her Employment Tribunal in an act of supreme silliness that was wonderfully lampooned here. Basically, Ms. Ladele, a civil registrar, wants to only legally ratify marriages (you know, her JOB) that agree with her religious beliefs. Thankfully for most of the nation, despite the many civil marriages in the UK that should be in conflict with her religious beliefs (marriages of other religions, marriages of people who divorced, marriages of the non-religious, any marriage she is called to make legal that hasn‘t been performed in a church by a member of the clergy) she really only cares about us nasty homos marrying.

Anyway, it seems the council appealed and the Employment Appeal Tribunal agreed that having all NON-RELIGIOUS CIVIL marriages subject to Ms. Ladele’s (or any other registrar for that matter - can you imagine the fuss is a fundamentalist Muslim registrar refused to marry women who weren’t attired to his standards of propriety?) religious test would be rather silly and reversed the decision.

She is now appealing again and it’ll be interesting what the result is. Her winning could be an interesting and worrisome precedent. Let us wait and see if they decide that:

“Perhaps Ladele can reconvene the tribunal and tell them that, as a Christian, she objects to all secular marriage ceremonies and therefore cannot, onaccount of her religion, officiate at any of them. To make her do so would be discriminatory, as would sacking her. She has the human right to be a marriage registrar and refuse to sanction all secular marriages; to just sit at her desk playing online Sudoku all year while feverishly rubbing her crucifix." - Rod Liddle

Is a sensible position

There was a vigil yesterday in Trafalgar Square, Brighton, Liverpool and San Francisco against the homophobic hate that has cost far too many lives

I wasn't going to go due to distance and work, but on the spur of the moment I made the drive. I've very glad I did

It was beautiful, there were an incredible number there. And it was painfully, awfully sad. Incredibly emotional and powerful

I'm glad I went and I'm glad so many showed up for it. I'm glad so many came to say, without doubt, that the hate must stop.

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2009/10/31/crowds-gather-in-trafalgar-square-to-say-no-to-hate/

I often read out endless screeds of homophobia and related badness. My RSS is filled with the various abuses that are thrown at GBLT people in a near constant stream. It gets quite depressing sometimes.

So I think it’s important to remember, we are winning. We are going forwards. GBLT rights ARE progressing, albeit slowly at times, but we are winning this. And it’s important to collate the victories as well.

Germany extends pension rights to gay civil partners (trying to address some of those inequalities between civil partnership and marriage)

Sweden allows gay couples to marry in church (The Church also as an open and non-celibate Lesbian Bishop)

America approves a hate crimes bill that protects GBLT people

86 year old world War 2 Veteran makes an extremely good speech for gay rights

The States of Jersey legalises Civil Partnerships

Read this one

Because I think it is the most eloquent and powerful statement as to why this is so important and so damn necessary

2 excerpts

Well, I gotta newsflash for you: when I handed over a copy of The Beautiful Room Is Empty and told my teenaged customer, "this book won a Lambda award, and it's about a gay character and the author is gay," -- maybe that statement would mean nothing to you, Ms Straight Writer Who Bemoans Being Excluded -- but you better fucking believe it meant everything to that kid.


That teenaged customer didn't fucking exist, not as his true self, can you get that? He was already halfway in hiding, learning to be invisible. He was learning already to keep quiet about who he liked, that the world around him would always show him pictures of smiling het couples, that even in places where there might be slightly more tolerance that he couldn't expect so many things het-folks would take for granted. The stories are so valuable because they exist in the place where these things do the most damage -- the imagination -- and the one place that could, potentially, be the most private and thus the most precious. In this last resort, this place of the mind, this child now had an ally. He had someone who had blazed the path before him, someone telling the story that might be his, or it might not, but it was a voice in his head telling a story that just might have him in the goddamn starring role for the first time in his entire life.

Nothing I've written or read contains the same impact as this post - or cuts to the heart of why this is so important

The Lambda Awards by the Lambda Literary Foundation are book awards for GBLT authors. In the past they have allowed straight people to submit entries. They have now decided to limit the awards to GBLT authors since an award designed to elevate, protect and showcase GBLT talent became swamped by oodles of straight authors of both gay fiction and m/m romance.

To note: I would have linked as friend’s post who admirably summed this up, but since his entry is private I won’t foist the debate, controversy etc onto his space. It’d be rude. But I will say that I don’t claim originality for all of the ideas expressed here. The snark and slap downs are mine though.

Now, personally I don’t generally care overmuch. Mainly because I don’t pick or choose the books I read based on awards and I have no earthly chance of ever winning any literary award anyway, but I do approve because, as I’ve touched on before (and will likely post more on later), it’s vitally important for marginalised groups to have their own space. In a world that is 99% about straight people, it’s necessary for mental well being, awareness and confidence to have a few corners that are about us. It’s nice to have a place where you aren’t an “other” where you aren’t the odd one, the exception, the anomaly.

The Lambda Awards are one of these spaces and they have taken steps to make sure it stays that way.

Thankfully, most authors - including straight authors of GBLT fiction and m/m romance - have been sensible, respectful and understood fully. I am glad to see that the vast majority of people have brains, decency and grace.

And some people are not happy. In fact, there is a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. And a lot of very ugly straight privilege being waved around that is giving me a headache. Some of the comments are obvious in their stupidity. Since I’ve spent a very unproductive couple of days trying to educate the clueless and venting my spleen on twitter (sorry for falling off the map - I had my righteous anger on) I may as well knock up an LJ post out of it, so let’s look at some whines

1) It’s not about you
This is an award for GBLT authors. That doesn’t mean LLF is saying straight people shouldn’t/cannot/are incapable of writing books with GBLT characters or themes. It’s not saying anything about what straight people can/cannot write - because it’s not about straight people. I can’t emphasis this enough. LLF is not doing this to stop a popular title from winning (seriously, did you buy performance enhancing drugs for your ego?) nor is it doing it to exclude good straight writers because the GBLT writers can’t compete (yeah, see this is when ‘selfish, privileged whining’ crosses the line to active homophobia). LLF is a GBLT award for GBLT authors. it’s not about straight people. Get over yourselves already

2)Unfairness
“It’s Unfair!” Unfair... Seriously? You’re whining at a group of people who are fighting tooth and nail to get basic rights recognised, who are pilloried by major religions and political leaders and who are afraid of openly declaring who we are for fear of physical assault about FAIRNESS because of a BOOK AWARD? How about this? When the straight world gives GBLT people the same rights, privileges and respect as straightness gets THEN you can come and talk about how unfair this book award is.

“It discriminates.” The world discriminates - sadly very much against GBLT people - and that includes GBLT authors. We don’t WANT gay awards. We very much want awards like this NOT to be necessary. We’d love it if the world was equal and we didn’t have to make our own spaces. But it isn’t - and that’s why these awards (and awards that celebrate women authors and POC authors) are so extremely necessary.

3) Prejudice
“The genre I write is marginalised.” This is true - gay romance, m/m fiction, f/f fiction et al is a marginalised genre. Undisputed and we all agree that’s wrong. But why is this LLF’s responsibility to address? It’s about GBLT people not genres (not about you, remember?) This is an attempt to redress very real prejudice against people - and I think I’m not alone in saying that prejudice against GBLT is a wee bit more serious than the marginalisation of a genre.

But yes, it is wrong. But it wasn’t GBLT people who disenfranchised the genre. It is the mainstream (straight) that keeps the genre down - why are you attacking a GBLT organisation and not the mainstream literary awards?

“I’m a woman, so I also face prejudice” agreed. And? The fact you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t have straight and cis privilege any more than my being gay means I don’t have male privilege. Arguing you should be able to enter a GBLT award because you face sexism is as foolish as me saying I should be able to enter a woman’s award because I face homophobia.

4)Petulant Flouncing
“This is anti-straight bigotry! You’re oppressing us.” I’m not even going to dignify that with an intelligent response.

“Well we’ll make our own award for straight authors only!” Ummm, why? To prove to the world you’re homophobic? You don’t need to go to all that effort. Believe me. If the award is about the GENRE then there will be no need to exclude authors. If it is about the AUTHORS then you are implying that straight authors are somehow oppressed or discriminated against and need a safe space. Or it could be that you’re stamping your foot and having a tantrum.

“Fine, I won’t WRITE GBLT EVAH AGAIN!” are you saying that you only wrote GBLT in the hope of winning an LLF award? Really? Well, don’t let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

“Then I’ll have to CLOSET myself to enter the award.” You didn’t. You did NOT say that. Really. You did not compare the horrible reality of gay people having to lie and act and hide to desperately survive in the face of homophobia and internalised self hate with you PRETENDING TO BE GAY TO WIN AN AWARD?! You did NOT make that comparison?

“This is like segregation!” Aw c’mon there’s no justification for that amount of ignorance. You cannot seriously compare the attempt to create a GBLT award for MARGINALISED people with the systematic oppression of black people by racist white society. There is so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin.

I'm came across this in a Blog and I'm pretty stunned by how eloquently it says so much. It can't cover all the damage societal homophobia causes, but the damage, the impact of even the little things is still powerfully described



It doesn't cover everything, but it covers a lot and it's extremely powerful. And painful to watch - for me it hurt and I'll lay odds it'll probably hurt a lot of gay people to listen to it.

But it's a powerful message

It is incredibly heartening to hear news of more and more countries treating gay people like human beings (or starting to come close to treating us like human beings with a view to one day maybe treating us like equals)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8129836.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8131842.stm

Another step forward, a little more justice and a little more goodness in the world :)

Actually I’m going to expand on my last post with something I’ve been musing on a forum recently.

I do not get where some people’s morality come from. I literally cannot picture it and cannot understand it. It makes no rational sense no matter how I look at it.

And the problem I have is this idea of sex as a moral issue. Sex is sex. Sure there are immoral ways to have sex - but these usually involve coersion, violence, force or cheating and deceit - the immorality is not in the sex itself.

I do not understand how sex and sexuality can be inherently moral issues in and of themselves. I do not understand why who you are attracted to is a matter of morality. I do not understand why nudity is a matter for morality. I do not understand why the type of sex or amount of sex or the people you have sex with or the number of people you have sex with or the place you have sex are moral issues. I do not understand why the depiction of nakedness or of any sex act can be considered a moral issue. I just CANNOT understand it. I cannot understand where good and evil and morality enter the equation.

I can understand why some sexual practices are not good ideas from a common sense standpoint - in the same way I think that juggling meat cleavers is a bad idea. I don’t think it’s an EVIL idea or a MORALLY WRONG idea - I just think it’s a damn stupid idea.

Not only do I not understand why sex is a moral issue, but I further am UTTERLY baffled why sex is THE OVERRIDING MORAL ISSUE. It trumps all others! It is like the core of moral values, the pinnacle of goodness!

To quote the video I linked again "So it's OKAY to waterboard a guy OVER EIGHTY TIMES, but GOD FORBID that the guy who could understand what that prick was saying has a boyfriend." AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DO THINK LIKE THIS. There are people who can make excuses and reasons to justify TORTURE one of the ULTIMATE evils but will decry someone over their SEXUALITY.

I’ve just been berated about Britain’s moral decline on a forum. I am bemused! what moral decline? We care for the poorest in society more than we used to, the most vulnerable, the most needing of help. We combat prejudice and bigotry more than we used to. We have greater value and understanding of personal rights and protections in the last couple of decades than we have ever had.

But we’re in moral decline. Why? Because of the terrible, racey, sexy shows on television. Televions programmes like Shameless, Queer as Folk, Life on Mars etc show naked bodies and couples having sex. I’m sorry, but I do not understand this. The presence of sweaty, nekked sexoring completely invalidates decades of social progress?

Hey back in the 50s women may been treated as little better than property and people of colour were treated like lesser species and we were still clinging to the tail-end of an oppressive and dictatorial empire but at least there was no nekkedness or sexoring! A much more good and moral age!

I just look at the very idea of sex being such an overpowering moral issue and my head hurts. I just can’t fit the idea into my brain