As requested: growing up gay, how to help
Oct. 29th, 2009 02:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparkindarknessSomeone asked me, a terribly long time, to post some general advice on how to behave/act around teens who may or may not be gay and may or may not be considering coming out. I apologise for how long it has taken - my email is a train wreck and my organisation is completely non-existent. I didn't notice the email until long after I received it and lost the information notes and thoughts many times over. I remain eternally distracted, I’m afraid.
Preamble over - so, what Sparky thinks based on Sparky’s experiences, Sparky’s worries and the general things that plagued me as a child and teen - both what I valued and what I wish hadn’t happen. These are, naturally, not going to be universal by any stretch of the imagination - ye gods they so aren’t, we’re such a diverse group - but they are what was important to me.
Primarily I’d say it’s important to maintain a gay friendly atmosphere because teens - especially gay teens IMO are VERY vulnerable to fear of being gay (and how people will treat them) and big scary tons of low self-worth and self-hate..
Some of that is ridiculously obvious - and I don’t need to say anything about it. No, it’s the more subtle things you need to recognise. Because, if they are gay, they probably will. When I was accepting I was gay then any remote mention, however casual or minor, of sexuality pinged my radar hard. Every little joke, passing reference etc was noticed. Because I was constantly worried and checking to see just how much my life was going to be screwed up by my sexuality, checking how angry everyone was going to be etc etc. This meant every little negative comment and put down about gay people hurt and frightened me - I was afraid of how my loved ones would treat me AND upset that I was something that was worthy of contempt.
I’d also push forward the positive. Being gay is a good thing, as equal and normal as being straight. For me this was a major problem - my family didn’t buy into the “gays should go to hell” crap, but they DID present the idea that being gay was bad. It was unfortunate. It was a sad liability. I couldn’t help it, oh no, but it was a shame. It was a disappointment. It was something to PITY.
This isn’t great for self worth. But, remember, even if you don’t present this attitude, the rest of the world will. So present being gay as normal and good - don’t be obvious (and certainly I’d say no sit down “we’re going to have a long, awkward conversation” moments) but mention “Jenny and her wife Sarah” for example, in passing. It emphasises that these couples EXIST (a BIG thing for me when I was young) and that it’s normal and no-one is running to the bathroom to be sick or screaming “OH MY GOD! LESBIANS!” and fainting from pure shock.
As an aside to this, if there is something big and obviously homophobic happening in the news then some imaginative curses and imprecations may be a good thing here. Again -personally I never even knew what homophobia WAS. Sure, people are more connected than I was, but the lack of people AROUND me saying “that’s evil bullshit and he needs hitting with heavy things” meant that it was a long time before I realised the homophobes were WRONG and that I shouldn’t put up with that shit.
Hmm this is getting long and I think these are the main things (beyond the obvious that I don’t have to say). It’s the friendly, normalising and reassuring atmosphere that counts a lot, I think.
But bonus issues (again, for me) are stereotypes. Again, some of them are damned obvious and don’t need mentioning, but I’m still dragging stereotyped thinking out of my own head and I’m amazed how much changed my behaviour - some examples
People have probably heard me wax lyrically about Versace before. And yes, I like clothes and a lot of Versace clothes really suit my sense of style and aesthetic. But I think designer labels are ridiculous. I think they’re over priced, appalling value for money and pretentious as hell. And I thought this EVEN WHEN I WAS BUYING THEM. I knew I could make the same look and the same outfit in clothes 10 times cheaper. But I am a gay man and gay men care about fashion don’t we? Don’t we?
Was it silly? Ye gods it was. And it took me a hella long time to realise that I didn’t actually give a damn about designer labels (just looking good), but sought them because I THOUGHT I SHOULD. I, as a gay man, had considerable worry that I was DOING IT WRONG. Because the stereotype was all I knew - and the stereotype wasn’t me. And I didn’t have gay relatives or friends close to me to help or advise me.
Related are gender stereotypes. I am a gay man which, to many people, means I am less “manly” (whatever THAT means) and I was worried about that. So I watched sports. Hours and hours of watching sports. I hate sports. Always have. I can think of nothing more dreary than watching people run round in circles, throw things or kick balls into nets. But I watched and watched, bored out my skull, only interested in how cute the guys were. And I was actually worried - worried because I WASN’T interested and knew I SHOULD be. (Yeah, I know it made no sense. But at least it made more sense than the “why don‘t I like boobies?!” porn marathon).
Even now I insist I can’t cook. Which is stupid. I bake all our bread, I make cakes, all our biscuits are home made, I make all our meals from scratch - and it’s tasty and varied from all corners of the globe. Clearly I can cook, even if I’m not masterchef. But I still say I can’t cook. Because men don’t cook. And my culinary skills are proof of my failing manliness.
The ironic thing is that if I’d have been straight I probably wouldn’t have CARED if I could cook or whether sports were boring or not (my straight brother can cook and hates sports too and it never bothered him) but being gay I felt I had to prove my “masculinity” through some damn stupid stereotypes.
I think that’s a good general point. All teens tend to be insecure balls of nerves interspaced with mood swings. But the added stress of being gay puts that nerviness and fear to hyperdrive - you can never have too much reassurance that they’re ok, that their life will be ok, that they deserve to be treated ok and that you’re there for them to ensure it will be ok
Preamble over - so, what Sparky thinks based on Sparky’s experiences, Sparky’s worries and the general things that plagued me as a child and teen - both what I valued and what I wish hadn’t happen. These are, naturally, not going to be universal by any stretch of the imagination - ye gods they so aren’t, we’re such a diverse group - but they are what was important to me.
Primarily I’d say it’s important to maintain a gay friendly atmosphere because teens - especially gay teens IMO are VERY vulnerable to fear of being gay (and how people will treat them) and big scary tons of low self-worth and self-hate..
Some of that is ridiculously obvious - and I don’t need to say anything about it. No, it’s the more subtle things you need to recognise. Because, if they are gay, they probably will. When I was accepting I was gay then any remote mention, however casual or minor, of sexuality pinged my radar hard. Every little joke, passing reference etc was noticed. Because I was constantly worried and checking to see just how much my life was going to be screwed up by my sexuality, checking how angry everyone was going to be etc etc. This meant every little negative comment and put down about gay people hurt and frightened me - I was afraid of how my loved ones would treat me AND upset that I was something that was worthy of contempt.
I’d also push forward the positive. Being gay is a good thing, as equal and normal as being straight. For me this was a major problem - my family didn’t buy into the “gays should go to hell” crap, but they DID present the idea that being gay was bad. It was unfortunate. It was a sad liability. I couldn’t help it, oh no, but it was a shame. It was a disappointment. It was something to PITY.
This isn’t great for self worth. But, remember, even if you don’t present this attitude, the rest of the world will. So present being gay as normal and good - don’t be obvious (and certainly I’d say no sit down “we’re going to have a long, awkward conversation” moments) but mention “Jenny and her wife Sarah” for example, in passing. It emphasises that these couples EXIST (a BIG thing for me when I was young) and that it’s normal and no-one is running to the bathroom to be sick or screaming “OH MY GOD! LESBIANS!” and fainting from pure shock.
As an aside to this, if there is something big and obviously homophobic happening in the news then some imaginative curses and imprecations may be a good thing here. Again -personally I never even knew what homophobia WAS. Sure, people are more connected than I was, but the lack of people AROUND me saying “that’s evil bullshit and he needs hitting with heavy things” meant that it was a long time before I realised the homophobes were WRONG and that I shouldn’t put up with that shit.
Hmm this is getting long and I think these are the main things (beyond the obvious that I don’t have to say). It’s the friendly, normalising and reassuring atmosphere that counts a lot, I think.
But bonus issues (again, for me) are stereotypes. Again, some of them are damned obvious and don’t need mentioning, but I’m still dragging stereotyped thinking out of my own head and I’m amazed how much changed my behaviour - some examples
People have probably heard me wax lyrically about Versace before. And yes, I like clothes and a lot of Versace clothes really suit my sense of style and aesthetic. But I think designer labels are ridiculous. I think they’re over priced, appalling value for money and pretentious as hell. And I thought this EVEN WHEN I WAS BUYING THEM. I knew I could make the same look and the same outfit in clothes 10 times cheaper. But I am a gay man and gay men care about fashion don’t we? Don’t we?
Was it silly? Ye gods it was. And it took me a hella long time to realise that I didn’t actually give a damn about designer labels (just looking good), but sought them because I THOUGHT I SHOULD. I, as a gay man, had considerable worry that I was DOING IT WRONG. Because the stereotype was all I knew - and the stereotype wasn’t me. And I didn’t have gay relatives or friends close to me to help or advise me.
Related are gender stereotypes. I am a gay man which, to many people, means I am less “manly” (whatever THAT means) and I was worried about that. So I watched sports. Hours and hours of watching sports. I hate sports. Always have. I can think of nothing more dreary than watching people run round in circles, throw things or kick balls into nets. But I watched and watched, bored out my skull, only interested in how cute the guys were. And I was actually worried - worried because I WASN’T interested and knew I SHOULD be. (Yeah, I know it made no sense. But at least it made more sense than the “why don‘t I like boobies?!” porn marathon).
Even now I insist I can’t cook. Which is stupid. I bake all our bread, I make cakes, all our biscuits are home made, I make all our meals from scratch - and it’s tasty and varied from all corners of the globe. Clearly I can cook, even if I’m not masterchef. But I still say I can’t cook. Because men don’t cook. And my culinary skills are proof of my failing manliness.
The ironic thing is that if I’d have been straight I probably wouldn’t have CARED if I could cook or whether sports were boring or not (my straight brother can cook and hates sports too and it never bothered him) but being gay I felt I had to prove my “masculinity” through some damn stupid stereotypes.
I think that’s a good general point. All teens tend to be insecure balls of nerves interspaced with mood swings. But the added stress of being gay puts that nerviness and fear to hyperdrive - you can never have too much reassurance that they’re ok, that their life will be ok, that they deserve to be treated ok and that you’re there for them to ensure it will be ok