Deluded parents, there are some important things you need to learn.

The main lesson you need to be aware of is the important changes that went on in your mind upon becoming a parent. Mother Nature has realised what yucky vile things kids are so has arranged matters so that when you produce one of these monster spawn you also get the equivalent of a heavy hammer blow to the head. The result of this mystical concussion is that you suddenly have a huge blind spot where said spawn is concerned and where everyone else sees the evil sticky monster from the destructive pit of unending noise, you see something angelic and sweet.

This means the cardinal rule must always be: REMEMBER! NO-ONE LIKES YOUR KID AS MUCH AS YOU DO

Your sickening excess of parental love from that mystical hammer means you are IMMUNE to half the things your kid does and highly resistant to the rest. We do not share your mystical protection.

You see something sweet when your child runs around pretending to be a car/plane/train/wrecking ball, arms gyrating and hitting everything within reach while emitting unnatural noises at ear splitting volume. We see something that needs to be tasered until it stops twitching.

You see adorable cuteness when your child warbles an approximation of a song none stop for the last 2 hours. We have not only plotted the child’s death but we already know where to bury the body so it will never be found.

You think that your loving spawn’s constant repetition of the word ‘why’ endlessly while you happily burble responses is not endearing or signs of an intelligent or enquiring mind. We see a creature that has clearly been summoned from one of the lower circles of hell to test us. A priest has already been summoned.

Your kid is a chemical factory of revulsion. I realise you are well prepared with an array of snuffly tissues, we are not so well equipped. You are immune to the vomit, drool, sticky fingers, gushing snot and vile smells your spawn can produce seemingly endlessly. We are not. Keep it away from us and prevent it from contaminating the surroundings or we will projectile vomit all over your brood.

Experienced parents all know that occasionally you have to ignore your child so it doesn’t grow into the viler subspecies of spoilt brat. You are also capable of ignoring, enduring or generally being unaware of various things your kid is doing. We aren’t. If your kid is screaming, I don’t care what the child psychologists say, don’t ignore it if it is melting our ears. We will drop your spawn into a fog horn and laugh when its ear drums burst. Yes, yes we will. If your child is doing anything annoying in public, do not ignore it and do not encourage us poor collateral damage to do the same. You are sued to ignoring your bratling throwing things randomly, whining, wailing or otherwise trying to shatter our sanity. We are not. Remove it or it will be culled from the species.

That mystical hammer also has disturbing side effects on you as well. You see to lose the ability to communicate, instead you burble incomprehensibly or effect a tone of such saccharine sweetness that your teeth should rot to blackened nubs. Stop it or the dentist will be summoned. Anesthetic will not be necessary.

This hammer also causes obsession. Family (with the exception of grandparents who may have been hammered even harder), friends, acquaintances and total strangers do not want to engage in long, painful conversations about your spawn. Photographs are similarly not welcome. That look on their face is not encouragement, it’s the tortured fixed grin of people who are too polite to beat you into unconsciousness. That glazed look in their eyes is caused by them plotting your ultimate fate in their head. Stop it now or you will be kidnapped and dragged to the old folks home and forced to look at tome after tome of boring snap shots until you break and beg for mercy.

No, I really am not a kiddie person.

Enough on the bills!

Ok, every last damn one of you – stop bitching about the bill! All of you, just STOP IT! A severe hounding to the next person who bitches. ESPECIALLY those of you on legal aid who don’t have to pay a penny (which isn’t true of all legal aid or of legal help) – you’re not even PAYING it and you bitch about the bill?! I’m applying a haddock surcharge for that one.

I told you how much we will charge per hour. Every single time I told you. I confirmed it in writing. I couldn’t have been clearer if I had had the hounds gnaw the words into your bones. Throughout the case I told you how much we were spending and had spent to date. You knew every single penny that was spent, you know why and how and when and knew then. You even knew when I told you that your own stupidity would cost you more money. I have told you how to appeal and who to appeal to if you think our fees are excessive, it won’t get you anywhere – we have an extremely good record for fair fees. There, you have an official channel for official bitching. Go bitch officially or I’m going to start billing you extra for bitching time.

And nice lady in the oh-so-tight and oh-so-low-cut blouse who kept asking “can’t you lower it a little, just for little me?” then leaning over – rinse and repeat until there was very real danger of her falling over or falling out. Nice try, but you’re seriously barking up the wrong tree. Have a feminist Hound though for your troubles. And don’t get sulky because I didn’t break eye contact – your ego can’t be that fragile.

Is it expensive people? Well DUH. It’s a LAWYER’S office, what did you expect? Why do you think I do this job? Why do you think we went to college and university and law school and then into training for year upon expensive year? For the joy of tolerating inanities every morning? For your sweet disposition? No, I do it because it is interesting and very well paid, thank you. When you go spend several years of your life getting (well, failing) those qualifications, THEN you can say we’re overpaid. Until then you will se we charge exactly the same amount as just about every other firm in the city. Continue to bitch and we will gather together in our expensive suits and laugh at you.

Brief snippet - Prequel No .4. Kyernath's path is set

Only a little one. It was much longer before but it was horribly wordy and unnecessary - besides, spending time in Kyernath's head is just no fun for anyone.

Anyway, a brief prequel back to the ol' Sorcerer and when his goals finally cemented.



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