Deluded parents, there are some important things you need to learn.

[sparkindarkness]

The main lesson you need to be aware of is the important changes that went on in your mind upon becoming a parent. Mother Nature has realised what yucky vile things kids are so has arranged matters so that when you produce one of these monster spawn you also get the equivalent of a heavy hammer blow to the head. The result of this mystical concussion is that you suddenly have a huge blind spot where said spawn is concerned and where everyone else sees the evil sticky monster from the destructive pit of unending noise, you see something angelic and sweet.

This means the cardinal rule must always be: REMEMBER! NO-ONE LIKES YOUR KID AS MUCH AS YOU DO

Your sickening excess of parental love from that mystical hammer means you are IMMUNE to half the things your kid does and highly resistant to the rest. We do not share your mystical protection.

You see something sweet when your child runs around pretending to be a car/plane/train/wrecking ball, arms gyrating and hitting everything within reach while emitting unnatural noises at ear splitting volume. We see something that needs to be tasered until it stops twitching.

You see adorable cuteness when your child warbles an approximation of a song none stop for the last 2 hours. We have not only plotted the child’s death but we already know where to bury the body so it will never be found.

You think that your loving spawn’s constant repetition of the word ‘why’ endlessly while you happily burble responses is not endearing or signs of an intelligent or enquiring mind. We see a creature that has clearly been summoned from one of the lower circles of hell to test us. A priest has already been summoned.

Your kid is a chemical factory of revulsion. I realise you are well prepared with an array of snuffly tissues, we are not so well equipped. You are immune to the vomit, drool, sticky fingers, gushing snot and vile smells your spawn can produce seemingly endlessly. We are not. Keep it away from us and prevent it from contaminating the surroundings or we will projectile vomit all over your brood.

Experienced parents all know that occasionally you have to ignore your child so it doesn’t grow into the viler subspecies of spoilt brat. You are also capable of ignoring, enduring or generally being unaware of various things your kid is doing. We aren’t. If your kid is screaming, I don’t care what the child psychologists say, don’t ignore it if it is melting our ears. We will drop your spawn into a fog horn and laugh when its ear drums burst. Yes, yes we will. If your child is doing anything annoying in public, do not ignore it and do not encourage us poor collateral damage to do the same. You are sued to ignoring your bratling throwing things randomly, whining, wailing or otherwise trying to shatter our sanity. We are not. Remove it or it will be culled from the species.

That mystical hammer also has disturbing side effects on you as well. You see to lose the ability to communicate, instead you burble incomprehensibly or effect a tone of such saccharine sweetness that your teeth should rot to blackened nubs. Stop it or the dentist will be summoned. Anesthetic will not be necessary.

This hammer also causes obsession. Family (with the exception of grandparents who may have been hammered even harder), friends, acquaintances and total strangers do not want to engage in long, painful conversations about your spawn. Photographs are similarly not welcome. That look on their face is not encouragement, it’s the tortured fixed grin of people who are too polite to beat you into unconsciousness. That glazed look in their eyes is caused by them plotting your ultimate fate in their head. Stop it now or you will be kidnapped and dragged to the old folks home and forced to look at tome after tome of boring snap shots until you break and beg for mercy.

No, I really am not a kiddie person.

Comments

[althaea101.livejournal.com]

Somedays I can completely agree with that. Not everyone needs to be a kiddie person...the world population is too much already.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Kids per se don't annoy me, but parents do. It's cliche but they say there is no such thing as a bad kid, just bad parents - and it's so often true. I see some kids running riot and just glare at their parents - where are they? What are they doing? Why didn't they train their kiddies?

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who in general is a kiddie person, there's a difference between "child" and "spawn."

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yes - and the difference is the parents.

[electra310.livejournal.com]

In general, an excellent rant. I would, however, like to add a little thing I call "the hormone phenomenon." Ever since I got married, I have noticed this strange event from time to time in my own life. When one of my friends comes by with their child, usually an infant, never more than one or two years old, the hormones take a rubber mallet to the center of my forehead, leaving me unable to perform any function higher than saying "Oooh...a baby." Until I recover my senses, my hormones are able to convince me that a baby is just the sort of thing that a young law student needs to make her life much more exciting. When the stimulus is removed, I recover my senses, and am subject to bouts of uncontrollable shuddering.

This hammer-blow is also Darwinian in nature, of course, but in a way it is much more disturbing, as it can strike at any time, without warning. Of course, once the kid gets older, and begins demonstrating what an absolute pain in the ass children really are, the phenomena doesn't happen anymore. It's quite a relief.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Argh! The mystical gooey hammer is catching!

[victoriae77.livejournal.com]

Of course, none of that applies to my little darlings, right?

The difference between me and other parents: I will not take my kids to a place that is not child appropriate. Going out to eat, with the kids, means Chucky Cheese's. Going someplace nice means GET A SITTER! I won't even take my kids to the grocery store. The 95% of people that do the things in your post give the rest of us parents a bad name.

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Referency my post here:
http://community.livejournal.com/customers_suck/15574957.html
on this username, regarding the pregnant waitress and the $1k tip.

That's all I have to say for now. Although I'm dreadfully sorry about using "another" to begin two paragraphs....

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Referency...wtf.

[victoriae77.livejournal.com]

While I don’t disagree with many of your points in the post you mentioned, I do want to clarify what I was trying to say.

I don’t keep my children home at all times, sheltered from the outside world. I was using Chucky Cheese as an extreme. That’s not the only place I’ll take them. My children attend a variety of functions, with me present, and on their own. They’re in clubs at school, they’re in sports. Museums (age appropriate) and parks. Plays and concerts. They know how to conduct themselves in a polite and mannerly fashion, and they know they will be in trouble if they don’t.

What I was pointing out in the post above, was that I do not take them where children are not welcome. I won’t take them to the grocery, because I can do my shopping a lot faster if they aren’t with me. I don’t take them to “nice” restaurants, because I don’t see a point in making them get dressed up to go to someplace they wouldn’t like. I’d rather let them stay home with a sitter, knowing they’ll enjoy their evening, as I will enjoy mine. Forcing them to go would just make all of us unhappy. If we’re just going to a casual dining place, of course the kids go with us. And they behave appropriately.

I hope I don’t come off as sounding defensive, because that’s not how this is intended. I’m just trying to show that your post doesn’t apply to me, though I can see how that was construed from my earlier post.

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Sufficient clarification, thanks.

Earlier post was...a tad defensive/edgy?
However, it was left sufficiently open, and I'd like to note that my post was in reference to, well, things a lot of other people said, not directly to what you said.

Given my childhood, I don't really see the whole deal with children not going to "nice" restaurants and such, because I did go when I was a kid. I dressed up, and behaved nicely.

I did not, however, have a completely conventional childhood, as my mother is an artist and my father a musician. So whenever my father would play at some formal place, we'd go.

Regarding places where children are welcome, I don't think that there should be many places that disallow children. Some that definitely should are anything to do with adult entertainment/drinking/etc, but I much prefer consistent behavior requirements for all age groups/other groups.

Of course, it depends on the child. You're absolutely correct in saying that if they will not enjoy going to a given venue, they should not go.

On a side note, the Chucky Cheese that I went to as a child has closed :(
All those childhood memories, torn down...

[victoriae77.livejournal.com]

The first post I made was a gut reaction to the original post. To be honest, a lot of the things listed drive me insane also.

I can't think of anywhere local that actually has a rule that forbids children (aside from bars and such), but I can think of plenty of places that children shouldn't be, although that's just one opinion among many. And I have occasionally taken my children to a "nice" restaurant, although I don't like to. But that's a whole new rant that should be in some in-law community. And I know the kids weren't enjoying themselves, but at least they got to meet their great-grandmother.

My childhood was with four siblings, and quite poor, so we didn't go to a lot of "nice" places, but we did always dress nice for dinner and church, and displayed our manners accordingly.

I did enjoy Chucky Cheese when I was a kid, but being the mom, I now just see it as a place to eat bad pizza, while dropping sixty dollars on a bunch of toys that will be broken by the time we get home. Hubby and the kids do seem to enjoy it, so I tolerate it. (And sometimes I think hubby enjoys it more than the kids do.)

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Hey, as far as the poor thing goes....
Mother = artist
Father = musician
How do you think my childhood was? Success in either of those professions pretty much means just being able to stay in those professions.

Church....er...let's not even start discussing the suitability of children in church. It will only go badly.

And you're right. Your husband does enjoy CC more than the kids. xD

Well, I think we're done. Thanks.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

You don't use parent cages? I advised them to my cousin - but that's because she will give her wonderful children enumbers and caffein.

I never see the point of dragging kids to nice restaurants. They won't like it, they'll get bored, that will annoy the parents and you all end up paying a large bill for a night out you didn't enjoy very much.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Nope - because I am assuming that, being a sane person, you have already taken these lessons to heart and your children are children - not evil daemon spawn.

[lightandashes.livejournal.com]

...Sparky. Could you please stop channeling me now? It's starting to creep me out!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, if you are borderline insane then i get to plunder your mind - forward muses, we have new lands to pillage!

[lightandashes.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha! I'm sorry, the only muse of yours that would stand a chance in my head with my own muses is Darren--and he could survive a few rounds only because he can cause the apocalypse. XDDD

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

You have challenged them now, you poor, poor thing. When Ahrimadan, Ilatheril and Radoslav arrive just try and cower in a corner....

[lightandashes.livejournal.com]

It wasn't a challenge, it was an invitation. Azriel's (fourteen year old street kid who is an awful lot like Darren, actually, only not as nice) always wanted a pet.

Azriel: Heeeeeeere, Ahrimadan! *waves catnip mouse around*

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

*amused* most of the things listed drive me batshit also. but then again, i don't do the "ignore the child" or "time out" or the oprah "children are little people too" school of parenting. i do what everyone in my family has ever done. if your kid's being a little shit and ignoring well-established rules of conduct, you slap them on the ass and tell them to knock it off or else.

interestingly enough? i can take my children pretty much anywhere.

[and i use my brain. we don't bother taking them with us to say, get my taxes done. that's STUPID. why make everyone involved miserable?]

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

My parents didn't play the 'ignore them' thing. They reasoned with me. If that didn't work, they would take me somewhere where I wouldn't bother others (usually home) and leave me until I was ready to listen to reason.

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

mouse will respond to reason, usually--the doom!twins eat reason for breakfast and ask for seconds. oy. =|

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Such is the problem with raising Amazonian children of chaos :)

It will be worth it when you become supreme empress of the Chaos empire

[maiafay.livejournal.com]

Working in retail, with having to clean up after cute little juicy spills that these brats make--the countless times I will sweep, yet some evil monster decides to make sure every little flake of lettuce falls on the floor. (Those who have tried to sweep lettuce will know it is a difficult thing.) The whining, the cell phones that should NOT be in their hand,(talking about pre-teens here...) the rudness, total disrespect for anyone including their parents. I can't stand children. Yes, there is an occasional few that seem to be normal--but in west bloomfield Michigan, those are few and far between.

Tracked you down from a slash archive, one I plan on joining myself when I have finished the orignial vamp story I am working on. Great work by the way on Child amoung Wolves...nice descriptions and sound writing. Good job. Friending you for the hell of it since we have the same tastes...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Kids can make a mess in an empty, sterile room.


Slash Archive.

Ah, Gio's? Was that the tale with Ethan and the twins?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Oops, forgot - all my stuff is indexed in my memories

[maiafay.livejournal.com]

Yes that would be the one...nicely written, makes me wonder how he got there?

Anyway, I am going to peruse your memories now and be nosy. Thanks for commenting back.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I submitted it some time ago, but I forget things so quickly