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sparkindarknessThe main lesson you need to be aware of is the important changes that went on in your mind upon becoming a parent. Mother Nature has realised what yucky vile things kids are so has arranged matters so that when you produce one of these monster spawn you also get the equivalent of a heavy hammer blow to the head. The result of this mystical concussion is that you suddenly have a huge blind spot where said spawn is concerned and where everyone else sees the evil sticky monster from the destructive pit of unending noise, you see something angelic and sweet.
This means the cardinal rule must always be: REMEMBER! NO-ONE LIKES YOUR KID AS MUCH AS YOU DO
Your sickening excess of parental love from that mystical hammer means you are IMMUNE to half the things your kid does and highly resistant to the rest. We do not share your mystical protection.
You see something sweet when your child runs around pretending to be a car/plane/train/wrecking ball, arms gyrating and hitting everything within reach while emitting unnatural noises at ear splitting volume. We see something that needs to be tasered until it stops twitching.
You see adorable cuteness when your child warbles an approximation of a song none stop for the last 2 hours. We have not only plotted the child’s death but we already know where to bury the body so it will never be found.
You think that your loving spawn’s constant repetition of the word ‘why’ endlessly while you happily burble responses is not endearing or signs of an intelligent or enquiring mind. We see a creature that has clearly been summoned from one of the lower circles of hell to test us. A priest has already been summoned.
Your kid is a chemical factory of revulsion. I realise you are well prepared with an array of snuffly tissues, we are not so well equipped. You are immune to the vomit, drool, sticky fingers, gushing snot and vile smells your spawn can produce seemingly endlessly. We are not. Keep it away from us and prevent it from contaminating the surroundings or we will projectile vomit all over your brood.
Experienced parents all know that occasionally you have to ignore your child so it doesn’t grow into the viler subspecies of spoilt brat. You are also capable of ignoring, enduring or generally being unaware of various things your kid is doing. We aren’t. If your kid is screaming, I don’t care what the child psychologists say, don’t ignore it if it is melting our ears. We will drop your spawn into a fog horn and laugh when its ear drums burst. Yes, yes we will. If your child is doing anything annoying in public, do not ignore it and do not encourage us poor collateral damage to do the same. You are sued to ignoring your bratling throwing things randomly, whining, wailing or otherwise trying to shatter our sanity. We are not. Remove it or it will be culled from the species.
That mystical hammer also has disturbing side effects on you as well. You see to lose the ability to communicate, instead you burble incomprehensibly or effect a tone of such saccharine sweetness that your teeth should rot to blackened nubs. Stop it or the dentist will be summoned. Anesthetic will not be necessary.
This hammer also causes obsession. Family (with the exception of grandparents who may have been hammered even harder), friends, acquaintances and total strangers do not want to engage in long, painful conversations about your spawn. Photographs are similarly not welcome. That look on their face is not encouragement, it’s the tortured fixed grin of people who are too polite to beat you into unconsciousness. That glazed look in their eyes is caused by them plotting your ultimate fate in their head. Stop it now or you will be kidnapped and dragged to the old folks home and forced to look at tome after tome of boring snap shots until you break and beg for mercy.
No, I really am not a kiddie person.
This means the cardinal rule must always be: REMEMBER! NO-ONE LIKES YOUR KID AS MUCH AS YOU DO
Your sickening excess of parental love from that mystical hammer means you are IMMUNE to half the things your kid does and highly resistant to the rest. We do not share your mystical protection.
You see something sweet when your child runs around pretending to be a car/plane/train/wrecking ball, arms gyrating and hitting everything within reach while emitting unnatural noises at ear splitting volume. We see something that needs to be tasered until it stops twitching.
You see adorable cuteness when your child warbles an approximation of a song none stop for the last 2 hours. We have not only plotted the child’s death but we already know where to bury the body so it will never be found.
You think that your loving spawn’s constant repetition of the word ‘why’ endlessly while you happily burble responses is not endearing or signs of an intelligent or enquiring mind. We see a creature that has clearly been summoned from one of the lower circles of hell to test us. A priest has already been summoned.
Your kid is a chemical factory of revulsion. I realise you are well prepared with an array of snuffly tissues, we are not so well equipped. You are immune to the vomit, drool, sticky fingers, gushing snot and vile smells your spawn can produce seemingly endlessly. We are not. Keep it away from us and prevent it from contaminating the surroundings or we will projectile vomit all over your brood.
Experienced parents all know that occasionally you have to ignore your child so it doesn’t grow into the viler subspecies of spoilt brat. You are also capable of ignoring, enduring or generally being unaware of various things your kid is doing. We aren’t. If your kid is screaming, I don’t care what the child psychologists say, don’t ignore it if it is melting our ears. We will drop your spawn into a fog horn and laugh when its ear drums burst. Yes, yes we will. If your child is doing anything annoying in public, do not ignore it and do not encourage us poor collateral damage to do the same. You are sued to ignoring your bratling throwing things randomly, whining, wailing or otherwise trying to shatter our sanity. We are not. Remove it or it will be culled from the species.
That mystical hammer also has disturbing side effects on you as well. You see to lose the ability to communicate, instead you burble incomprehensibly or effect a tone of such saccharine sweetness that your teeth should rot to blackened nubs. Stop it or the dentist will be summoned. Anesthetic will not be necessary.
This hammer also causes obsession. Family (with the exception of grandparents who may have been hammered even harder), friends, acquaintances and total strangers do not want to engage in long, painful conversations about your spawn. Photographs are similarly not welcome. That look on their face is not encouragement, it’s the tortured fixed grin of people who are too polite to beat you into unconsciousness. That glazed look in their eyes is caused by them plotting your ultimate fate in their head. Stop it now or you will be kidnapped and dragged to the old folks home and forced to look at tome after tome of boring snap shots until you break and beg for mercy.
No, I really am not a kiddie person.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-26 08:08 pm (UTC)Tracked you down from a slash archive, one I plan on joining myself when I have finished the orignial vamp story I am working on. Great work by the way on Child amoung Wolves...nice descriptions and sound writing. Good job. Friending you for the hell of it since we have the same tastes...
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-28 09:53 am (UTC)Slash Archive.
Ah, Gio's? Was that the tale with Ethan and the twins?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-28 09:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-28 02:18 pm (UTC)Anyway, I am going to peruse your memories now and be nosy. Thanks for commenting back.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-30 09:57 am (UTC)