Poor Mad Secretary

Do not yell at Mad Secretary. She is well trained in the art of Haddock-Fu and will hurt you if you annoy her.

Yelling at Mad Secretary achieves nothing. She has been yelled at by lawyers, police, barristers, politicians and judges. She has been yelled at by far more intimidating and scary people than you will ever be. She has haddocked them all. She is not cowed, she is talking quietly because she is desperately trying not to laugh at you. And yes, when you come into the office she is stood behind you miming killing you. (Don’t take it personally, she enjoys trying to break my professional lawyer face).

I am not psychically connected to Mad Secretary. You cannot yell at her when you are mad at me – I will not be vicariously yelled at. Nor will I have to put up with stroppy secretary, she is professional even if she is insane, but she may try and make me laugh at you which will make me distracted through your meeting as I try not to crack up. She will also leave notes on your file – and we will all try not to laugh at you whenever we see you.

Like myself, Mad Secretary does not have the power to change the world. She cannot secretly solve all your problems, yelling at her will not change that. Similarly, she cannot control me, the answers I give, when I am available etc. She cannot intone my name three times and have me appear in a wisp of sulphurous smoke (we spoke about including it in the contract but apparently it sets off the fire alarms). Yelling at her won’t endow her with any of these powers. Yelling at her will not make me appear. Be assured if I AM really there and she IS lying and saying I’m not/I’m in a meeting or whatever then she has good reason to do so, she will not change her mind just because you yelled. And if I am not available and she takes a message and I will call you back – that means just that! I will call you back. Do NOT ring every 10 minutes for TWO HOURS (LITERALLY?!) and ask if I’m back yet then yell at Mad Secretary when I’m not. When I’m back, I will ring you. Until then kindly bugger off before I lend Mad Secretary a Hound.

Beware her wrath, while she does not have Hounds she has her own weapons. If you persist in throwing a hissy fit on the phone, not leaving a message, not speaking to my voicemail and not sending me an email then she will put you on hold and your mind will slowly melt from hour after hour of Green Sleeves. Hah, fear her medieval music of doom!

What? Hey, stop that!

LJ, what are you doing?! My journal is now a pleasant shade of blue and lilac... what's this about? *prods*

Ah the joys of voicemail

Yes, Mr. F, you have rung me repeatedly.

Yes, it is regretful that I was out so much these last few days.

Yes, I realise it is annoying never being able to contact me. I do try to ring back anyone who leaves a message on my voicemail.

Yes, you did leave a message on my voicemail. 9 of them, in fact over 3 days (considerably less than the ‘dozens‘ you claimed. I appreciate it, many of my clients seem to be too dumb to figure that out. But I advise in future leaving a message with Mad Secretary as well.

Call you back? No, I didn’t, actually. Why is that when I assured you I would?

Well, Mr. F, that was probably because you left a message on my voicemail NINE TIMES and not ONCE did you feel fit to identify yourself or provide any telephone number to contact you. No, I can’t recognise you by voice alone, do you have any idea how many phone calls I make and you expect me to remember a voice? Especially when you leave screaming ranting recordings giving me no information other than the fact you are about 3 more rants short of a severe heart attack?

I’m not psychic. Mad Secretary is not psychic. If you don’t leave your name and number I can’t just pull out my Ouija board to send a message to your alphabet fridge magnets (and if I could, I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it). You have no bitching rights over me if you fail to take the simple step of repeating your own 6 digit telephone number - not a lot to ask, is it? Continue to bitch and I will pull out the haddock for some therapeutic battering.

And no, I couldn’t look you up in the phone book. You didn’t leave your name. And I have far better things to do than to thumb through the book then try and find you among all your relatives even if you had left your name (as anyone with the intelligence of a carrot would have thought to do). The hounds will chew on your intestines just for suggesting that.

No, you still don’t get bitching rights for your mistake, so stop trying to exercise them.

Yes, I realise it probably was vitally important. That is not my problem. Yes, I realise you have now missed a deadline. This is also not my problem. Yes, I realise that you will have to reschedule matters at considerable expense and effort now. This is also not my problem. Yes, you will have to pay me more money. This is certainly not my problem. It’s amazing how many problems there are in the world and equally stunning how many of them are not mine. No, I don’t have to ’do’ anything to ’fix this’. Aside from anything else, my time machines broken right now, I know, tech support isn’t what it used to be. No, I’m not going to lower your bill or actually pay you for inconvenience you caused yourself. If I did that the Senior partners would not only feed me to the Hounds but throw what was left of me to piranhas as well. Then the boss man will cut you into pieces and feed you to his Persian cat.

No, you still don’t have bitching rights - you do have Hound rights though, help yourself to a mauling.