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sparkindarknessI have to go to my cousin's wedding tomorrow. Actually it's my cousin's wedding to my cousin tomorrow, but that's another issue. Oh gods I hate weddings. I hate weddings so very very very very very much.
I booked the day off (because the family, they will ring and check. Yes yes they will). But I had my excuse all picked out so I could have a day off of quiet snuggling with Beloved rather than have to pretend to be interested in a woman who's just spent more on a dress than most people spend on a deposit for their car and avoid the family wars.
Of course, Beloved rang them and DELIBERATELY scuppered ALL my possible excuses short of my projectile vomiting on the bridesmaids (keeping this open for plan b). He finds these family gatherings amusing *plots painful revenge*
Why do I hate weddings?
Beyond them being several HOURS of terminal boredom, the reason is simply THE FAMILY.
See, my family is quite quite quite quite insane. And HUGE. It's ridiculous - we keep in touch with relatives most noble houses wouldn't consider even remotely related. This cousin getting married? She is my great uncle's granddaughter. I think that stretches the definition of "cousin" rather.
See, just about all my great grandparents had MANY MANY children. Many many MANY children. The Duggars? They were lightweights compared to my family (in fact, my great grandma Matilda goes one better, she had many many many children, then her husband died and her sister died, so she married her sister's husband and added her sister's kids to her family as well). These children went on to.... have many many many children. Many children. Many. FUCKTONS of kids. Who went on to have kids, who went on to have kids to my generation - which is now producing kids.
And for some gods unknown reason they all kept in touch. All of us barring the odd black sheep (and it takes a hell of a lot to be a black sheep in this family - they'll STALK you if you try to put some distance between you and them) It's actually not possible to stay out of touch. You give ANY contact detail to any relative and this time tomorrow ALL of them will have it and feel free to use it whenever the whim takes them. My Random Winter Holiday card list is actually a book (or was, before I stopped sending cards). We have a super-wide calendar because some days have so many relatives born on them it's hard to write them all down (and gods forbid you EVER forget the birthday of your second-cousin, thrice removed's 2nd husband! People have died for less!)
So what does this vast clan of people do (other than nosy into all of each other's business and have no respect for each other's personal space. Oh and all the love and support and unconditional help as well. I guess. Kinda. mentioned to shut the Beloved up because he LIKES the insanity of my kin)? They fight. Oh, the gossip and the politics and the bitching and snarking and snarling and grudges!
But despite the endless familial bitching, there is one thing most of the family (especially those over 50) long for. Family gatherings. Weddings, Funerals, Reunions, Major Birthday Parties. For some reason, and despite the VAST cost, certain relatives in the family (Great Uncle Len, I mean YOU!) want nothing better than to get all several hundred of us (I jest not) under one roof. I have given up assuming they are trying to gather us togethe3r so they can taske us all out at once and have come to the conclusion that they actually LIKE these extortionate train wrecks.
So I am not happy. Not happy at all. And it's all Beloved's fault (or, at least, he will be the one blamed. yes, yes he will).
Of course, as a wedding it's even less fun because we have the Inbreeding Challenge. This seems to be a passion of Great Uncle Len's (who is one of the greatest guys in our family and it's unfortunate he does these things that make me want to throttle him). Try to follow this: Len is my paternal grandfather's brother. He married my maternal grandmother's sister, linking the families (got that? Well it gets worse). He then made a point of encouraging my parents to get together (2nd link). Now my mother's brother's daughter married uncle Len's brother's daughter's son (3rd link. Confused yet? You will be). Tomorrow will see Len's son marry my maternal grandmother's son's daughter (4th link and first actual blood inbreeding). And I know I have 2 other cousins, 1 from each branch, who are now dating. Len told me, he's very happy about it. And I don't think they're the only ones because I don't think Len is alone in this bizarre hobby. I find the whole thing rather disturbing, to be honest, and fear that one day I will go to Len's house and find myself facing a priest, one of Len's granddaughters or great granddaughters in a frilly white dress and having a shotgun jammed in my back whole people wave big "I DO" signs at me. Actually, I think he'd be just as happy if I'd have hooked up with one of his grandsons or great grandsons.
I really can't see any sane reason for doing this, except for his quiet despair that the younger members of the family don't stay in touch as much. I think he fears the family falling apart (i.e. becoming SANE and reasonable). But really, this crossing marriage lines? Really not the way to go. Really.
I booked the day off (because the family, they will ring and check. Yes yes they will). But I had my excuse all picked out so I could have a day off of quiet snuggling with Beloved rather than have to pretend to be interested in a woman who's just spent more on a dress than most people spend on a deposit for their car and avoid the family wars.
Of course, Beloved rang them and DELIBERATELY scuppered ALL my possible excuses short of my projectile vomiting on the bridesmaids (keeping this open for plan b). He finds these family gatherings amusing *plots painful revenge*
Why do I hate weddings?
Beyond them being several HOURS of terminal boredom, the reason is simply THE FAMILY.
See, my family is quite quite quite quite insane. And HUGE. It's ridiculous - we keep in touch with relatives most noble houses wouldn't consider even remotely related. This cousin getting married? She is my great uncle's granddaughter. I think that stretches the definition of "cousin" rather.
See, just about all my great grandparents had MANY MANY children. Many many MANY children. The Duggars? They were lightweights compared to my family (in fact, my great grandma Matilda goes one better, she had many many many children, then her husband died and her sister died, so she married her sister's husband and added her sister's kids to her family as well). These children went on to.... have many many many children. Many children. Many. FUCKTONS of kids. Who went on to have kids, who went on to have kids to my generation - which is now producing kids.
And for some gods unknown reason they all kept in touch. All of us barring the odd black sheep (and it takes a hell of a lot to be a black sheep in this family - they'll STALK you if you try to put some distance between you and them) It's actually not possible to stay out of touch. You give ANY contact detail to any relative and this time tomorrow ALL of them will have it and feel free to use it whenever the whim takes them. My Random Winter Holiday card list is actually a book (or was, before I stopped sending cards). We have a super-wide calendar because some days have so many relatives born on them it's hard to write them all down (and gods forbid you EVER forget the birthday of your second-cousin, thrice removed's 2nd husband! People have died for less!)
So what does this vast clan of people do (other than nosy into all of each other's business and have no respect for each other's personal space. Oh and all the love and support and unconditional help as well. I guess. Kinda. mentioned to shut the Beloved up because he LIKES the insanity of my kin)? They fight. Oh, the gossip and the politics and the bitching and snarking and snarling and grudges!
But despite the endless familial bitching, there is one thing most of the family (especially those over 50) long for. Family gatherings. Weddings, Funerals, Reunions, Major Birthday Parties. For some reason, and despite the VAST cost, certain relatives in the family (Great Uncle Len, I mean YOU!) want nothing better than to get all several hundred of us (I jest not) under one roof. I have given up assuming they are trying to gather us togethe3r so they can taske us all out at once and have come to the conclusion that they actually LIKE these extortionate train wrecks.
So I am not happy. Not happy at all. And it's all Beloved's fault (or, at least, he will be the one blamed. yes, yes he will).
Of course, as a wedding it's even less fun because we have the Inbreeding Challenge. This seems to be a passion of Great Uncle Len's (who is one of the greatest guys in our family and it's unfortunate he does these things that make me want to throttle him). Try to follow this: Len is my paternal grandfather's brother. He married my maternal grandmother's sister, linking the families (got that? Well it gets worse). He then made a point of encouraging my parents to get together (2nd link). Now my mother's brother's daughter married uncle Len's brother's daughter's son (3rd link. Confused yet? You will be). Tomorrow will see Len's son marry my maternal grandmother's son's daughter (4th link and first actual blood inbreeding). And I know I have 2 other cousins, 1 from each branch, who are now dating. Len told me, he's very happy about it. And I don't think they're the only ones because I don't think Len is alone in this bizarre hobby. I find the whole thing rather disturbing, to be honest, and fear that one day I will go to Len's house and find myself facing a priest, one of Len's granddaughters or great granddaughters in a frilly white dress and having a shotgun jammed in my back whole people wave big "I DO" signs at me. Actually, I think he'd be just as happy if I'd have hooked up with one of his grandsons or great grandsons.
I really can't see any sane reason for doing this, except for his quiet despair that the younger members of the family don't stay in touch as much. I think he fears the family falling apart (i.e. becoming SANE and reasonable). But really, this crossing marriage lines? Really not the way to go. Really.
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Re: Heh...
Date: 2007-08-25 12:46 pm (UTC)Yep, you just get used to the insanity, when you grow up with confused familyu lines (yorus or mine) they just seem so normal. I remember my teens finding out that other people DIDN'T know the name of people who shared the same great grandparents and was quite shocked.
Oh, we say hi, we do ask questions. Then we argue. I don't envy you the role of historian - I passed that role to people who are more interested
No problem, I just need to craft the post. Everyone should have a Beloved. I was very careful to keep parents out of my relationship life, first of all not to squick them, then I presented Beloved to them and that was it, fait accompli.
It's good to have an understanding family - your whole fam-hive attending your marriage is a wonderful thing