*sulks*

[sparkindarkness]

I have to go to my cousin's wedding tomorrow. Actually it's my cousin's wedding to my cousin tomorrow, but that's another issue. Oh gods I hate weddings. I hate weddings so very very very very very much.

I booked the day off (because the family, they will ring and check. Yes yes they will). But I had my excuse all picked out so I could have a day off of quiet snuggling with Beloved rather than have to pretend to be interested in a woman who's just spent more on a dress than most people spend on a deposit for their car and avoid the family wars.

Of course, Beloved rang them and DELIBERATELY scuppered ALL my possible excuses short of my projectile vomiting on the bridesmaids (keeping this open for plan b). He finds these family gatherings amusing *plots painful revenge*


Why do I hate weddings?


Beyond them being several HOURS of terminal boredom, the reason is simply THE FAMILY.

See, my family is quite quite quite quite insane. And HUGE. It's ridiculous - we keep in touch with relatives most noble houses wouldn't consider even remotely related. This cousin getting married? She is my great uncle's granddaughter. I think that stretches the definition of "cousin" rather.

See, just about all my great grandparents had MANY MANY children. Many many MANY children. The Duggars? They were lightweights compared to my family (in fact, my great grandma Matilda goes one better, she had many many many children, then her husband died and her sister died, so she married her sister's husband and added her sister's kids to her family as well). These children went on to.... have many many many children. Many children. Many. FUCKTONS of kids. Who went on to have kids, who went on to have kids to my generation - which is now producing kids.

And for some gods unknown reason they all kept in touch. All of us barring the odd black sheep (and it takes a hell of a lot to be a black sheep in this family - they'll STALK you if you try to put some distance between you and them) It's actually not possible to stay out of touch. You give ANY contact detail to any relative and this time tomorrow ALL of them will have it and feel free to use it whenever the whim takes them. My Random Winter Holiday card list is actually a book (or was, before I stopped sending cards). We have a super-wide calendar because some days have so many relatives born on them it's hard to write them all down (and gods forbid you EVER forget the birthday of your second-cousin, thrice removed's 2nd husband! People have died for less!)

So what does this vast clan of people do (other than nosy into all of each other's business and have no respect for each other's personal space. Oh and all the love and support and unconditional help as well. I guess. Kinda. mentioned to shut the Beloved up because he LIKES the insanity of my kin)? They fight. Oh, the gossip and the politics and the bitching and snarking and snarling and grudges!

But despite the endless familial bitching, there is one thing most of the family (especially those over 50) long for. Family gatherings. Weddings, Funerals, Reunions, Major Birthday Parties. For some reason, and despite the VAST cost, certain relatives in the family (Great Uncle Len, I mean YOU!) want nothing better than to get all several hundred of us (I jest not) under one roof. I have given up assuming they are trying to gather us togethe3r so they can taske us all out at once and have come to the conclusion that they actually LIKE these extortionate train wrecks.

So I am not happy. Not happy at all. And it's all Beloved's fault (or, at least, he will be the one blamed. yes, yes he will).





Of course, as a wedding it's even less fun because we have the Inbreeding Challenge. This seems to be a passion of Great Uncle Len's (who is one of the greatest guys in our family and it's unfortunate he does these things that make me want to throttle him). Try to follow this: Len is my paternal grandfather's brother. He married my maternal grandmother's sister, linking the families (got that? Well it gets worse). He then made a point of encouraging my parents to get together (2nd link). Now my mother's brother's daughter married uncle Len's brother's daughter's son (3rd link. Confused yet? You will be). Tomorrow will see Len's son marry my maternal grandmother's son's daughter (4th link and first actual blood inbreeding). And I know I have 2 other cousins, 1 from each branch, who are now dating. Len told me, he's very happy about it. And I don't think they're the only ones because I don't think Len is alone in this bizarre hobby. I find the whole thing rather disturbing, to be honest, and fear that one day I will go to Len's house and find myself facing a priest, one of Len's granddaughters or great granddaughters in a frilly white dress and having a shotgun jammed in my back whole people wave big "I DO" signs at me. Actually, I think he'd be just as happy if I'd have hooked up with one of his grandsons or great grandsons.

I really can't see any sane reason for doing this, except for his quiet despair that the younger members of the family don't stay in touch as much. I think he fears the family falling apart (i.e. becoming SANE and reasonable). But really, this crossing marriage lines? Really not the way to go. Really.

Comments

[semiotic-pirate.livejournal.com]

don't you wish skivving snack boxes from the Weasleys were real?

good luck facing your coming ordeal!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I really need some of those

Thankee

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

Is it mean of me that your terrible pain makes me laugh like a fool? Even more so because I have no contact with my family and I really, really like it that way (and am reminded *why* on reading this?)

Ahem. Poor you. And how mean of Beloved.

::giggles::

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

At least my pain serves some purpose :)

I envy those with small families :)

I hear people say "I wish i had a huge family" and twitch. I'm proud of that. After all, 5 years ago i used to go for the throat, the psychiatrists have done well.

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

As a curious question, who has a wedding on a Thursday?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I am not entirely sure, since I didn't plan the date.

The family is not, in general, religious except in a kind of lapse way by some of the older members so they wouldn't care whether a wedding was held on a particular day (this wedding wasn't religious at all).

I do know in other gatherings that it is sometimes easier/cheaper/possible on short notice to hire a HUGE place for the whole clan on a weekday than it is a weekend, so I suspect that's the reason

[ciara-belle.livejournal.com]

This cousin getting married? She is my great uncle's granddaughter.

Haha, that's exactly my relationship to the cousin who's getting married next weekend. I'm making my mother take daddy instead, though, because I've had enough family for the summer.

And my eyes crossed after "encouraged my parents to get together". Wow.

Your family totally reminds me of this miniseries/movie I just watched where they have a gigantic family reunion and everyone needs family trees and flow charts to keep people straight. :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

LOL, the insanity is not unique!

Yeah, my eyes blurred a little too when I found out how accomodating he was. It's just not sensible or normal


heee, that is so true! There are about a dozen people tracking the family tree, except for the elderly ones who just KNOW

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

Wowser. Poor thing. *patpat* My mum was one of ten kids courtesy of my Catholic grandmother (8 of them girls). I thought our family could get wacky sometimes, but gah!

Here's a hint for entertainment at train wreck-type gatherings--take notes. Then blog about it. Also, submit any really good horrors to www.etiquettehell.com or post them on the message board there. We relish that stuff.poikjk

Oh, and those random letters were from my Raqi. She apparently had a message for you that could not wait. Maybe your cat can translate it.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

We take it to knew and painful extremes

I remember everything I can for furture snarkage. Snarkage makes things amusing :) *nosies website*


The cat looks at computer and seems to be nodding. I assume this means that the mothership has been contacted and the plan is underway.

[baranduyn.livejournal.com]

The beauty of belonging to a large but aging family is we're through the worst of the wedding crap. When my cousins children get married they either announce they're paying air fare and lodging for guests (okay, that happened ONCE) or have the decency to leave us out of the mishegas.

If one of my first cousins were to announce a wedding...that goes like this:

Sister: J is getting married
Me: AGAIN.
Sister: Don't be judgmental.
Me: I'm not; most of us are divorced. I'm just saying I have a two-wedding limit for the cousins. This is what, the fourth for her? Uh, no. Why can't she carry forward the gift from the second marriage?
Sister: Because she threw it at her second husband and broke it.
Me: I have a 'you break it, tough shit' policy in effect. Open bar?
Sister: HA!
Me: I'll send a card.
Sister: Me too.

I mean, there's a limit, you know? I have over thirty first cousins.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

The wedding won't go away! Sadly, many of the family live relatively locally, and those that don't are willing to travel here to get married - and if you are from far away? Don't worry, one of the relatives will put you up *le sigh*

And I know what you mean by multiple marriages =- so many divorces. What, I already BOUGHT that cousin 3 toasters?! What's she doing with them?! There IS a limit.

The worst thing is my eldest real cousin (as in, my mother's brother's daughter). She's 30 and not married - and she was fine. Then her little brother had a sprog and she's charging at the aisle. She's been engaged, and broke it off, 6 times now to different people. Someone needs to break her biological clock already. For the last wedding I actually kept the gifts (not as bad as my uncle who advised the would-be groom to buy the ring "sale or return")

[tinimaus.livejournal.com]

Good grief, you make my family sounds positively normal.

Are you sure you're not from Alabama?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

We are the epitome of crazy


There'd be some excuse then!

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Doesn't your grandmother still believe Beloved is researching geneology?

Should she, perhaps, be reminded of this?

<--is too tired for original evil, so makes a vice of virtue and recycles.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

What my grandnmother believes, from one day to the next, can vary quite considerably. She has been TOLD that and reminded of it repeatedly. But then she also thinks her mother was at the wedding (which would have caused quite a stir, a zombie at the reception)

However, there will be no mention of extensive family tree researches (not that it stops them *sigh* geneology is an obsession in the family). I have images of this poor innocent family happily living their lives only to have the whole clan descend on them "Join usssss join ussss join usss"


LOL, I like that saying :)

[bubblesbrnaid]

Dear God. That sounds just like *my* family.

I find this strangely reassuring. At least I know I'm not the only one suffering the insanity.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

The insanity does sound better when you realise you're not the only ones

[tanarill.livejournal.com]

[shakes head]

Of course, I think your family is still outdone by that one family who just welcomed their seventeenth child.

[offers large tequila]

[goes back to shaking head]

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

That was the Duggers *sigh* I pity those children. I really do

*drinks them* *drinks more* thanks!

Heh...

[caslayerboi.livejournal.com]

Ah, Sparky. You can always bring up the most insane drivel and brighten up my day. Although, I do have to admit, I'd thought that I had a messed up family tree, but you've got me completely beat; I'd actually started to draw out portions of your family tree on a napkin on my lunch, just to keep things straight while reading. Whew.

Oh, yeah. I do have two questions for you, though: 1) Does the Fam-Hive know about you and beloved? 2) Ya know, I do believe that the story of how you and beloved met and how you two came to being betrothed has never been shared on LJ. Care to share? (Look at this way, just be VERY glad that beloved's family isn't remotely connected to your's. Can you just imagine your mother calling you and giving you the "you've been boinking your third cousin" talk?)

Re: Heh...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

My life is a source of insane drivel alas. I'm one great insane drivel fountain. i seem to attract them.

It becomes such second nature to us because you're brought up with all these people so everyone explains the relationship to you when you're like 7. By the time you're in your teens you can navigate all the connections quite easily and it doesn't seem strange at all to be greeting your cousin 9 times removed as a close relative

1) the vast majority of the fam-hive do know about us - I'm not the only homosexual in the family any way, there's a fair few scattered among us. Different relatives have different levels of comfort on the issue, but even the raging homophobes are polite because we're FAMILY and that trumps EVERYTHING. Apparently. The only ones who don't are either those I haven't seen in a while (who have probably been told on the grape vine) and some elderly relatives who we think may not deal well with the information. Oh, and my grandmother. I've come out to that old woman like a dozen times and she still forgets.

Meeting, betrothing and marrying? I think that will take a whole new post :)


In my family? I'd probably get Uncle len ringing me and saying "GREAT NEWS! You've been boinking your third cousin!" Gods alone know why he encourages it

Re: Heh...

[caslayerboi.livejournal.com]

Well, as much as I am someone who's quite intolerant to change, I'll freely admit from personal experience... excuse me. *Goes to change iTunes song* Sorry. Rihanna's "Umbrella" was on and I kept on typing out the lyrics. Damn that woman. What was I saying? Oh, yes. That "the norm" is frequently established via how used to the situation you are. I mean, one could live in the beetlejuice world, filled with soul devouring sandworms and be just fine; provided that you survive long enough in that world to grow accustom to it. How wondrous is it that human existence is defined by the length of linear time... Heh. Sorry, that's the physicist training talking.

Anyway, as much as your family tree confused and infuriates me, I'm not a stranger to complex family lines myself- After all, I do have 4 maternal grandmothers (Yes, my maternal grandfather did marry four different women. He was a lucky bastard.) and my paternal grand uncle became my paternal step-grandfather (My paternal grandfather's brother was forced by the communist government into marrying my paternal grandmother). So, I know very well what its like to have all the complicated relationships explained to you at a relatively young age. Albeit, in my family, it's been turning into much more of a "*At some sort of wedding* That's your Uncle Marty. Say hi. Don't ask anymore questions!" kind of thing. Hell, for some inferno reason, I've become the official historian of my generation for BOTH maternal and paternal families- Everyone rings/e-mails me up when they have no idea why certain things are the way they are. Apparently, my parents are the only ones who bothered to indoctrinate me with the annals of my families.

On another subject (sorry for the abrupt change), I do find myself entirely fascinated by your past and present with beloved; I suppose that's because I want the same thing someday. So, I eagerly await that brand new post. In my family, I'm lucky that my mom not only knows, but she actually quality controls my relationships for me (i.e. "Dump that one! He stole a silver napkin ring at dinner. You're not marrying a klepto! I don't care how good he'll look in the photo albums!") and have no objection to hosting a lavish wedding for me, with everyone in both sides of the family attending. Factor in that parts of my fam-hive as being both "Asian" and "stuffy"? This form of publicly unconditional love is extremely rare.

Anyway, I think I've blathered on long enough for now. Have a good one and hug beloved for me. Late.

Re: Heh...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Umbrella is driving me insane. Really insane.

Yep, you just get used to the insanity, when you grow up with confused familyu lines (yorus or mine) they just seem so normal. I remember my teens finding out that other people DIDN'T know the name of people who shared the same great grandparents and was quite shocked.

Oh, we say hi, we do ask questions. Then we argue. I don't envy you the role of historian - I passed that role to people who are more interested


No problem, I just need to craft the post. Everyone should have a Beloved. I was very careful to keep parents out of my relationship life, first of all not to squick them, then I presented Beloved to them and that was it, fait accompli.

It's good to have an understanding family - your whole fam-hive attending your marriage is a wonderful thing

[speaks.livejournal.com]

Wasn't there an Ann Rice book with inbred witches? Perhaps Uncle Len is looking to make Lasher.

Or even better, he wants a Quizatch Hadderach.

I'm with Beloved on this one, but I like watching people squirm.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I',m not that familiar with Anne Rice, alas. I didn't like Interview with a Vampire much and the author keeps sounding batshit insane.


Y'know, after reading Dune, that's the very first thing I thought. "OMG, Uncle Len's a Bene Gesserit in a suit!"


So does he. Hence the agreement *glare*

[seryan.livejournal.com]

I',m not that familiar with Anne Rice, alas. I didn't like Interview with a Vampire much and the author keeps sounding batshit insane.

Ah, Lasher. Yes. In that case, the expression "the family tree grew straight up" is literal, IIRC.

Re: The last two paragraphs

[seryan.livejournal.com]

My God, it's like reading a biography of the Habsburgs.

Re: The last two paragraphs

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

We make them look sane!