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sparkindarknessThere are people in the world who assume that just because they want something they should automatically get it.
And most of these people are under 4’ tall and less than five years old. And their loud and sulky demands should be met by swift parenting firmly saying, as my mother used to say “’I want’ never gets.” Or at least explaining that sometimes we are disappointed in life and we need to suck it up and deal with it. (Tasering if necessary should child sulk or throw a tantrum).
So, oh dear client, why didn’t your parents teach you this most vital of lessons? You want something. Fine, we all have wants. I want to be hailed supreme dictator of the world and have my every whim catered to by a harem of beautiful men. We all have dreams.
However, I have resigned myself to the fact that the world is not yet ready for my divine leadership and endure this disappointment. You, oh client, seem to think that merely repeating your wish will make it magically appear. Unless your wish was to be mauled by hounds, this isn’t so.
Client 1 – M. M wants a work permit and visa filling out for a new employee. M has only just shifted his considerable buttock cheeks recently to actually gather all the paperwork he wants. He has now decided he wants the work permit in “2 weeks top.”
.
Let me review that for all of our edification: He wants me to go through all of his (incomplete) paperwork, fill in all the applications send them off and somehow make the Home Office efficiently and quickly (oh, how we laugh) approve them all and send all the necessary paperwork back. In two weeks. Yes, my being hailed as supreme dictator is more likely.
His response? “I need it in 2 weeks!” Repeated over and over again. Really? Well, I never REALISED that! See you only said this was the documentation to employ an extremely important and vital staff member. I never realised you NEEDED this. That’s a whole new matter, let me get my magic wand and make the impossible happen for you! Oh wait, I’m all out of wands. Guess we will have to rely on haddocks instead.
It’s impossible. It cannot be done. I cannot do it. No-one can do it. It doesn’t matter how much you need it or how much you want it or how important it is – if it can’t be done it can’t be done. The government, legal system and, indeed, entire world cares even less than I do about the difficulties this will cause you. Most people learn this as small children, the fact you are a spoilt brat is not my problem. Make it my problem and I will make a point of making it the Hound’s problem.
Client 2: D. D is due in court for his role in a Regrettable Incident. D has known of his court date for some time now (judges are ancient, fossilised creatures from the dawn of time that do not hurry themselves). The court date is a little over a week away.
D wants to move his court date. Why, I wonder? New evidence arising? A tragic death in the family? Coastal Erosion dumped your house into the North Sea? Just found out your grandmother is actually an international drug dealer and is wanted by Interpol and she’s currently barricaded in her Council House with a wooly shawl and an AK47?
No. It’s his birthday. He doesn’t want to go to court on his birthday. He wants me to adjourn the court date until he has blown out the candles and had his cake. No. Really not going to happen. A severe haddocking for even thinking it let alone suggesting it. You don’t get to move a court date because you WANT it to be moved. I am not even going to let you repeat your request over and over – the first repetition? HOUNDS!
There will be no second repetition.
I do not understand these people who are positively outraged that the world doesn’t go exactly their way. I don’t know whether to hate them or pity them. To save me from this dilemma I think will just feed them to the Hounds and have done with it.
And most of these people are under 4’ tall and less than five years old. And their loud and sulky demands should be met by swift parenting firmly saying, as my mother used to say “’I want’ never gets.” Or at least explaining that sometimes we are disappointed in life and we need to suck it up and deal with it. (Tasering if necessary should child sulk or throw a tantrum).
So, oh dear client, why didn’t your parents teach you this most vital of lessons? You want something. Fine, we all have wants. I want to be hailed supreme dictator of the world and have my every whim catered to by a harem of beautiful men. We all have dreams.
However, I have resigned myself to the fact that the world is not yet ready for my divine leadership and endure this disappointment. You, oh client, seem to think that merely repeating your wish will make it magically appear. Unless your wish was to be mauled by hounds, this isn’t so.
Client 1 – M. M wants a work permit and visa filling out for a new employee. M has only just shifted his considerable buttock cheeks recently to actually gather all the paperwork he wants. He has now decided he wants the work permit in “2 weeks top.”
.
Let me review that for all of our edification: He wants me to go through all of his (incomplete) paperwork, fill in all the applications send them off and somehow make the Home Office efficiently and quickly (oh, how we laugh) approve them all and send all the necessary paperwork back. In two weeks. Yes, my being hailed as supreme dictator is more likely.
His response? “I need it in 2 weeks!” Repeated over and over again. Really? Well, I never REALISED that! See you only said this was the documentation to employ an extremely important and vital staff member. I never realised you NEEDED this. That’s a whole new matter, let me get my magic wand and make the impossible happen for you! Oh wait, I’m all out of wands. Guess we will have to rely on haddocks instead.
It’s impossible. It cannot be done. I cannot do it. No-one can do it. It doesn’t matter how much you need it or how much you want it or how important it is – if it can’t be done it can’t be done. The government, legal system and, indeed, entire world cares even less than I do about the difficulties this will cause you. Most people learn this as small children, the fact you are a spoilt brat is not my problem. Make it my problem and I will make a point of making it the Hound’s problem.
Client 2: D. D is due in court for his role in a Regrettable Incident. D has known of his court date for some time now (judges are ancient, fossilised creatures from the dawn of time that do not hurry themselves). The court date is a little over a week away.
D wants to move his court date. Why, I wonder? New evidence arising? A tragic death in the family? Coastal Erosion dumped your house into the North Sea? Just found out your grandmother is actually an international drug dealer and is wanted by Interpol and she’s currently barricaded in her Council House with a wooly shawl and an AK47?
No. It’s his birthday. He doesn’t want to go to court on his birthday. He wants me to adjourn the court date until he has blown out the candles and had his cake. No. Really not going to happen. A severe haddocking for even thinking it let alone suggesting it. You don’t get to move a court date because you WANT it to be moved. I am not even going to let you repeat your request over and over – the first repetition? HOUNDS!
There will be no second repetition.
I do not understand these people who are positively outraged that the world doesn’t go exactly their way. I don’t know whether to hate them or pity them. To save me from this dilemma I think will just feed them to the Hounds and have done with it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 02:01 pm (UTC)It gets the point across admirably, I find.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 02:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 03:04 pm (UTC)But I like it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 04:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 02:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 03:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 08:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:21 am (UTC)Shouldn't you be training parents?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 08:58 pm (UTC)but it may be stoo subtle for them. I think i will just use
THE HADDOCK!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-12 05:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-12 05:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 02:25 pm (UTC)Or is that the judges?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 04:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 08:59 pm (UTC)Nothing else is that old
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 02:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:22 am (UTC)Beware THOR!Judge
Fear LOKI!JUDGE
bow before ODIN!JUDGE
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 02:37 pm (UTC)This results in adults like those.
Me? I believe that if they want it badly enough they'll figure out the proper rituals to appease and entice dark powers into working their will. Obviously they don't want it THAT badly, because they haven't bothered to work out the rituals. (Why yes, I do expect trouble finding and keeping babysitters.)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:02 pm (UTC)Or sacrifice them. Friend of mine swears he knows a good recipe, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:22 am (UTC)With onions? Can't have a child sacrifice without onions
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 06:24 am (UTC)I have no idea how the two of you encountered each other online, but truly it was the intervention of the fates in some way.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:23 am (UTC)C'mon now, Abyssal Dukes make perfect child minders
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 02:43 pm (UTC)She was a wise woman.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:50 pm (UTC)and sadly rare it seems
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 03:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 04:15 pm (UTC)even if it doesn't prove much since it'd stop his whining immediately if he were(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 04:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:01 pm (UTC)*finds cast iron frying pan* prepare to be THWAPPED!
(and if I am arressted for assault? SO your fault)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 06:47 pm (UTC)*grins* If my grandmother was still alive today I could definately see that.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-15 09:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 02:06 am (UTC)"I want" apparently = "I can have if I whine long enough or yell loud enough"
Yeah, buster, and I WANT to post every sleazy detail of your sleazy life on my LJ for public derision and scorn, but then I'd get my arse fired and sanctioned and lose my happy lawyer lifestyle!
(Such are the woes of practicing law in America. Don't get to blog about the juicy details of the job. Poo.)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:25 am (UTC)Which is soooo sad and depressing. The same rules apply here, which is why I keep things vague and my identity super sekrit. Sure I'm treading the line of confidentiality juuuuuuust a tad :) But i don't think I've crossed it
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 10:21 am (UTC)Teehee.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 11:25 am (UTC)We all want harems. Alas, they are too rare
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 12:43 pm (UTC)I invited my eight year old sister over to the apartment (more like I ended up having to babysit her) and she immediately started the "BUT I WAAAAAAAAANT TO!"s...
(Which resulted in my roomies hiding and/or leaving. Thanks alot guys! grrr.)
I learned the best way to deal witht the petulant "I want!!"s is to use the infamous line from Charlie and The chocolate factory:
.."You really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a WORD you're saying..." and "MUMBLER!!!!"
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 12:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-16 12:44 pm (UTC)Hey, it could have been worse. your roomies could have killed and cooked her. In onions :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-17 01:54 am (UTC)I have, hopefully without causing distress, added you to my friends list in this particular walking disaster we all call Livejournal. I am a veteran of the IT industry who is currently taking paralegal classes. I am doing this in hope of a career change, but we shall see how that goes.
Nevertheless, I have to admit that you have become the living inspiration of the type of person I would wish to work for. Granted, I sincerely doubt that paralegals in the U.S. are able to work in the realms of U.K. law, but it provides pleasantly dreamy thought. I envision you sharply dressed in a chic black suit of severe cut. You rather resemble John Malkovich ala Dangerous Liasions. Your hair is gathered in a sleek ponytail, allowing your crisp, incisive gaze to penetrate the deceits of clients. Your voice has that particular clipped accent so prevalent in the Evil Corporate Villains of late 60s and early 70s Doctor Who, cultured, suave, self-possessed, a British Philip Marlowe complete with smooth jazz playing in the background...
*cough*
Excuse me. Somewhat imaginative. Pay it no mind. We also share some of the same interests - please excuse me if I comment on a few previous posts in the near future.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-17 12:54 pm (UTC)Awww, I'm all flattered now :) I don't know who Malkovich is, but the rest is pretty accurate :) Well, except jazz.
hee, you can always move into the office and take it over. There is no bordom insanity cannot fix