The stupid! It BURNSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

[sparkindarkness]

Alas again I am forced to admit that I cannot work miracles. It saddens me so much to disappoint the worshipful masses who daily besiege our office with their please, cries and bitchings but miracle working is as beyond me as basic logic is beyond them.

Alas it was with great regret that I had to disappoint my newest penitent Mr. C who came to me with his plea. On the telephone he described a disputed traffic offence (this is where Sparky yawns and tries to escape, but alas, to no avail). His license rides on this offence that is “complicated” and he needs to explain in person. Fair enough, it’s his money.




He arrives at my office with a brief case. Normal people would assume that this means he is efficient, ogranised and business like.

I assume this means he’s trying to hide a wad of cash, a weapon, a bomb or possibly all fo the world’s evils. Why? Because I know my clients

So he sits down and opens Pandora’s box his briefcase and pulls out a sheaf of papers. For a brief moment my heart soars – he is a professional business person with great organisational skills.

And then I see the papers. They are tickets. Speeding tickets and parking tickets. Oodles of them. A full Redwood has gasped its last to produce these citations along with photographic evidence. Oh dear. The world “complicated” is now being replaced in my mine with “nutso psycho insane”.

Me: *after perusing the tickets* So how can I help you with these Mr. C?
C: I have these parking and speeding tickets.
Me: *nod, smile, please continue gesture*
C: *looks confused* I have these tickets…
Me: wondering if he is secretly transmitting information in ultrasonic so actually believes he has explained himself And what would you like me to do with these tickets? direct him to a good loan shark or recycling centre?
C: *aghast* Stop them of course!
Me: *lost now* You mean, stop you getting any more?
C: NO! Stop these! Get rid of them.
Me: wonders if Harry Potter covers special chants for fixing parking tickets You want me to challenge them?
C: yes! They’re ridiculous! It’s harassment!
Me: Are they false? Were you not parked illegally or speeding?
C: It’s harassment! Look at these parking tickets! The same time every day!
Me: hmmm, that would be because you parked on the same double yellow lines every day at the same time and the traffic warden has a regular route Were you not illegally parked? *looks at photograph that shows clearly that he WAS*
C: And these speeding tickets! Always when I’m on X road and Y road!
Me: Well DUH that’s where the fixed speed cameras area. Here’s a novel idea – SLOW DOWN Were you actually speeding?
C: Look at them all! It’s some kind of campaign against me!
Me: because the local authority has met in a dingy back room and deliberately plotted to place fixed speed cameras just to target you Mr. C! I have to know whether or not these alleged offenses are accurate!
C: Why does that matter?!
Me: a little stunned. It’s like saying “what does it matter if I stabbed her or not?” It will be very difficult to challenge a ticket if you don’t tell me if it is accurate or not.
C: The point is there’s so many of them. It’s harassment!
Me: Mr. C, a static, unmanned speed camera cannot harass you. It will be impossible to argue that.
C: And these parking tickets! That’s a wasp, that is!
Me: Yes, that will be a traffic warden, Mr. C. But they do usually patrol the same routes every day – if you are parked illegally every day at the same time they will catch you at the same time every day.
C; It’s harassment!
Me: It’s blithering stupidity I don’t think a challenge will be successful on that basis. You can’t challenge speeding tickets on the grounds that you have been caught speeding too many times.
C: But look how many times!
Me: Well yes, but you were caught that many times because you WERE actually speeding that many times, right?
C: *mumble mumble harassment mumble* right…
Me: It’s like a serial killer complaining that they’ve found too many of his victimsI can’t challenge a speeding ticket when you actually admit that you were speeding.
C: *angry wail* But they got me so many times!
Me: I applaud their efficiency. I can hardly challenge these tickets on the grounds that the police are too good at their job.
C: *glare* but if they’re deliberately targeting me…
Me: Then you would have a case. But these are stationery, unmanned speed cameras. They aren’t following you. They don’t look out for your specifically. They don’t stalk you, make up lies about you or otherwise persecute you. They are machines.
C: So you won’t challenge them for me?
Me: *sigh* if you insist, Mr. C, I will. However I can tell you now that the challenge will fail and you will still have to pay the tickets, still lose your license and have to pay court and legal fees as well. in retrospect this might have been a good idea – all hail the stupid tax
C: *huffs* Well if you won’t help me, I’ll find someone who will *storms out*. Who? God? Because unless you have a deity on speed dial, no-one’s going to be able to help

Yes, because the fact that you’re a bloody idiot who speeded past the SAME BRIGHT YELLOW SPEED CAMERA every day for several months is going to change with another lawyer if you take it to another lawyer. Hey, you never know, he may find a lawyer who believes that computers are taking over the Earth and have decided their first target needs to be impatient corner shop owners – but I doubt very much he’ll find a court that agrees.

Oh and end note: he parked right outside our front door. According to Mad Secretary, he has got a parking ticket for it. Heeee, sometimes you don’t need Hounds, Karma steps in for you.

Comments

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

Hurrah!

S'not Karma if it happens in the same lifetime, but it certainly could be some form of divine intervention. I can't imagine Odin being very tolerant of the terminally stupid....

[being-here.livejournal.com]

I'd disagree about the karma thing. It's this life as much as any other.

/being pedantic

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

Not according to Tibetan Buddhist doctrine.

[being-here.livejournal.com]

Maybe depending on which school you're part of. Certainly my teacher talks a lot about karmic tensions creating our immediate experience of samsara, and because we have infinite karma from infinite life times, including this one, we experience infinite samsara until we can manage to be permanently integrated in the state of rigpa.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Instakarma!

Everyone needs some!

[being-here.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. Gods.

There should be some sort of anti-breeding pill that you could slip into the drink of people like this to help stop the problem.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

What if they have already bred? Should we hunt down their children?

[being-here.livejournal.com]

That's a given ;-)

We could test the children and if they prove intelligent we will given them to more deserving parents, otherwise we'll put them out of our misery

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

Did you post this on customers_suck? How much did he have to pay for an appointment with you?

wonders if Harry Potter covers special chants for fixing parking tickets

This line tickled me the most.

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

Nix the first question. I'm an idiot, and probably should have looked before I asked.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

up :) X-posted

heee, thankee

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

Dear me. Did you tot up the points total of all the tickets? A cricket score, I bet. Silly bugger!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I started too but gave up when the figure became too ridiculous.

As a guesstimate I think he had enough to have his license revoked at least 3 times and possibly as many as 6

[girlscoutchick.livejournal.com]

I found your livejournal through customers_suck, continued reading for a bit, and have friended you -- I hope you don't mind. But you're witty, articulate, a good writer, you invent worlds, and you roleplay... the world needs more people like you. Also, if you're a lawyer and have still retained a sense of humor, then there's hope for my boyfriend, who's just starting law school.

So, hi. Let me know if I should defriend you, but I thoroughly enjoy the posts of yours that I've seen, and hope I can stick around for more.

-Beth

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I don't mind at all, thankee :) The more the merrier

See I say everyone should be just like me but the UN vetoed the re-education camps :)

[baranduyn.livejournal.com]

Do you have a nice cushion or padding on your desktop handy for these inevitable **headdesk** moments? I worry about cumulative damage.

Some rules for life should be engraved on the living flesh minds of everyone before they leave secondary school.

Do not lie to your attorney. Ever.

Saying "I didn't do it" does not actually mean you didn't do it if you did. For real.

Saying "I have a good reason" does not mean what you did is suddenly legal.

Saying "This is unfair" just because you don't like it does nothing.

Lather, rinse, repeat until exhausted.

My ex brother-in-law likely still has to apply ointment to his bum on a daily basis due to the reaming he took because he not only thought lying to my sister was effective, he thought lying about the very same things to his lawyer would make these things go away and somehow make the P.I.'s evidence 'not matter'. Wrong.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I will need to have something installed. It is a nice old fashioned desk with a built in blotter, maybe that will save me.

I think that having important life lessons engraved into the living flesh should be important punishment in trials

Lather rince repeat eternally - and they still won't get it

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

...once again, words fail me. even i have a better grasp of this reality than that. dude, you FAIL at reality. you should be fired from LIFE.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

he has less touch on reality than the Avatar of chaos? Yes, yes he does

consider him fired from life *finds magnum*

[home-of-usher.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you gotta love Karma. I'd hate to be the judge who had to deal with that one. But for the entertainment value, I'd love to put him in a car with a driving instructor just to see how much he screws up. Or find out who he bought off to get his lisence in the first place.

Sadly, I'm sure we have som e really stupid drivers here too in that regard. the kind that think the Road was gods gift to them and them alone. In a way I'm glad I can't drive. Less people in danger from my ineptness. ^_^

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I would have LOVED to be the judge.

Can there be a better moment to put on your wig, glare censoriously and intone "you sir have been PWNED! Pay up N00b" Because I really want a judge to say that.

I bet he would go round with his instructor perfectly - then start speeding on his first day of actual driving. He can drive. He knows how to drive. He just doesn't care about others so speeds and parks where he wants

[sethgraham.livejournal.com]

How many speeding tickets before you lose your license over there?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

depends on the points you accrue and how long you've had your license and the space in between them

[pinkzhazha.livejournal.com]

I love the way the universe steps in to brighten the day. I so would have liked to have seen his face when he got that particular ticket.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I wish it would make a habit of it!

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

sometimes the universe is just so *right* and people ae just so *wrong*

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I am sure there is a deity with a sense of humour who just LOOKs for opportunities like this

Your icon manages to be curiously sexy and androgyonous. The belly looks female but the metal skirt... bulges

[loralai.livejournal.com]

Me: wondering if he is secretly transmitting information in ultrasonic so actually believes he has explained himself

too. funny.

also, am far too amused by:
these are stationery, unmanned speed cameras. They aren't following you. They don't look out for your specifically. They don't stalk you, make up lies about you or otherwise persecute you. They are machines.

the good news is that you have yet another story for your party repertoire. for brownie points, did laughing at him so hard hurt your ribs?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

heeee :)

I muist maintain digniuty - and hurt my ribs NOT laughing

[loralai.livejournal.com]

dignity? feh. dignity is fir silly lawy... umm. ah-hem. dignity, right.

your poor ribs are having a rough week, aren't they? first a car and now this... what will the universe come up with next? (you have to picture that last one with a game show host's voice. it's much funnier that way, i promise)