sparkindarkness | Entries tagged with lgbtq issues

I’m breaking my annoying silence (so much to do, so little time) because something has annoyed me. Actually it’s a string of people annoying me the same way; that perennial call that we need to be nicer to bigoted straight people who do and say bigoted things and really aren’t we great big meanies for daring to judge people for using slurs or avoiding or telling off these bigots when they show their bigoted arses in all their scabby, bigoted glory.

Above all, I’m tired of the dreaded “teachable moment.” I’m tired of when yet another person decides to yell “f@ggot” in whatever media is open to them, it’s demanded that we nicely teach the bigot why that’s not a nice thing to do. I’m tired of being expected to look on a long screed on why I don’t deserve the same rights as anyone else as some kind of opportunity to educate rather than the vicious attack it is. I’m tired of seeing yet another attack against us and being expected to be SYMPATHETIC to the bigot who just trampled all over us.

Because of fucking TEACHABLE MOMENTS.

So let’s talk teachable moments. Mainly let’s talk about how I have absolutely no inclination to take advantage of “teachable moments” provided every time some straight person marauds around with little or no regard for us YET AGAIN.

That’s not to say I don’t want straight people to LEARN a whole lot of things. But teaching can’t happen without willingness to learn – and if there is a willingness to learn then I and a gazillion other LGBTQ people out there have written blogs, books, articles, videos and just about every damn resource possible for straight people to ACTUALLY want to learn. They don’t need “teachable moments”, they need to respect us enough to put some damn effort in.

The problem is not, as the apologist always cry whenever a bigot does anything, IGNORANCE; the problem is RESPECT

It is not having RESPECT enough for us to care whether their words and actions hurt us

It is not having RESPECT enough for us to consider the consequences of what they do or say

It is not having RESPECT enough to learn about us before presuming to insert themselves in our lives and our issues.

It is not having RESPECT enough to recognise that we are the experts in our own lives and when we say something is so, then is it so.

Because of this, the only “teachable moments” I want to have with straight people are:

1) Don’t say/do bigoted, dehumanising and disrespectful things
2) Don’t involve themselves in or claim opinions on or cast judgement on community issues that have absolutely nothing to do with them.

That’s it. Because those are basic milestones of respect: not doing harmful things and not arrogantly and paternalistically assuming expertise in someone else’s life. And I’ve found the most simple “teachable moments” for his is to either shun transgressors or make your anger known in most clear and adamant terms.

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The holiday season is always stressful, but I think for a lot of LGBT people it has a greater chance of being full of badness or being full of more badness. It occurred to me over the weekend when several friends and I ran round to another LGBT friend’s house as an emergency “it’s not all shit” party to remind him he had family, even if not in the conventional way

The thing is, we were ready or expected it. Not necessarily for him – but for one or more of us; because this time of year hurts all of my LGBT friends, every last one – and some of us it hurts very badly. No-one made any plans, we didn’t sit down and draw up battle plans or charts or anything else (and I plan EVERYTHING) but we fully expect one of more of us will break every season, and several of us will crack – ‘tis the season for having one another’s backs and being ready to pick up the pieces

It’s fraught for several reasons

There’s family. Family you can’t be with because their hatred won’t allow it. Family you HAVE to be with despite their hatred making the turkey feel like acid on your nerves. Extended family who are more vicious than a rabid wolverine will suddenly be at unpleasant mauling range. Many couples are forced to split up for the holiday because their families won’t tolerate a partner – or because they have to closet for safety and can’t even admit to having a partner.

Family is far too often our greatest enemy. Many tongues will be bitten through before we can finally break free of them

Then there’s a whole lot more overt religiosity, Christianity will be blared at us from all angles – and people who spend much of the rest of the year telling everyone who we’re inhuman dirty monsters that should be shunned and persecuted will be given a high profile. Sometimes they won’t even pause in their vitriol and their joyous Christmas messages of peace and goodwill for all will come with a heavy “except LGBT people” disclaimer. Wall to wall broadcasting of a religion which loathes every breath we take is mind numbingly awful for many of us. And people will, of course, take great pleasure in telling us how very important this religion is to us all.

As a bonus, Christmas programming is generally even more heteronormative than the rest of the year (which is saying something).

Top it off with the freaking Salvation Army everywhere, which is permanently headache-worthy. They’re the worst, but you’ll be tripping over a lot of religious charities this time of year (as a bonus, the Blood Service also likes to step up their donation advertising, just in case we’re not getting enough “evil sinful homos!” on airwaves).

Our already disproportionate homeless rate becomes even more pressing in this colder months, and family tensions and forced family mixing can cause more than a few of us to be leaving their homes unplanned at this time of year – and the safety nets are too often manned by those very say bigoted charities.

The season of goodwill is often worse than any other time for LGBT people – make sure you look out for each other guys because some of us will crack and break under the tinsel and the holly

Time to add another line to the very very long list of things cis, straight people need to stop saying. These are generally not things said by the homophobes or even the completely clueless who refuse to analyse their prejudice – these are things said by people who probably mean well and probably try – but may not see the full implications of what they say.

“I’m not gay, but if I were I wouldn’t be ashamed/wouldn’t hide/I’d be out”.

Or words to that effect. Generally a straight person asserts they are straight and goes on to “prove” it by assuring us that if they weren’t straight they would tell us, because they’re totally cool with people being gay.

In some ways this is a better form of the panicked “zomg you called me gay, how very dare you!”. And in many ways it is better – people who treat the suggestion of being gay as an insult or an accusation are being homophobic and need to be hit repeatedly with a tuna. Denying the information while making it clear you don’t consider it an insult (even if it does sometimes feel like a belated “not that there’s anything wrong with that” seems better).

But…

Yes there’s a but…

“If I were gay I would be open”. No.

I call shenanigans. The vast majority (if not all) of everyone who is GBLT out there has spent some time in the closet. We are pressured into it since birth in an extreme manner cis, straight people can’t even begin to imagine. It takes extraordinary courage to come out. It is risky to come out. It is usually pretty hard to come out, to say the least.

If you were LGBT, dear cis, straight folks, I can nearly guarantee you would have been closeted at some point in your life and you’d probably still be closeted now. And that applies double if you’re in a big public situation where cameras follow you.

You’re not special. The chances are you wouldn’t dodge the bullet that hits 90% of us. You are not better than those of us who have been closeted, are still closeted or will continue to be closeted. If you were GBLT, you would hide. If you were LGBT and out at some point you would have hidden – at some points you probably still would. That’s not a judgement on you – that’s reality, the reality of a deeply hostile, bigoted society, the reality of what the vast majority of us have had to do or continues to do to survive. If you were like us, you would have to walk that same road

By saying you wouldn’t, you just show how little you actually understand the closet, what drives us to closet and the risks involved in being out of the closet.

There appears to have been a misconception about why I blog about what I blog about and why I co-run Fangs for the Fantasy. I suppose I can see why, I mean, I can’t even tell you ALL the reasons why I do both because there’s a lot there.

There’s some venting. There’s the need to expose tropes and problematic representations and erasure in the hope that awareness will bring change. There’s an equal need to expose these simply because we consume them without questioning all the time and unless we do start questioning they will shape us. There’s the need to demand representation and inclusion everywhere – not decide that certain genres don’t matter or we can be confined to a niche. Oh there’s a bazillion reasons, I’ve written whole posts on the reasons.

But I do NOT do this to “find allies.” Never have. Finding allies is not on my to-do list. I don’t even particularly like the word “ally” because it’s so loaded with so many unpleasant connotations and experiences that I avoid it – the actions of too many self-appointed “allies” have rendered the word fairly irredeemably negative.

When it comes to people’s position in reference to a battle for equality I see two broad categories:

1) Arseholes
2) People Who Are Not Arseholes

An Arsehole is one who doesn’t believe a marginalised group deserves the same level of respect/rights/whatever as non-marginalised people. There are obviously different degrees of Arseholes. Some like to go out killing marginalised people, some want to campaign against our rights, some just think there’s far too many of Those People on TV and wish we’d keep it indoors. Some Arseholes will tell you how much they absolutely love us – until we don’t follow their own internal script on who/how we should be.

Regardless of the varying degrees of stink clinging to them – they’re all Arseholes.

People who are not Arseholes are just that – they think LGBT people (and all marginalised people) are people worthy of as much respect as privileged people. Despite them being relatively rare people, this is not an achievement worthy of much praise. This is the bare minimum standard for decent humanity – and should be your default setting. If it isn’t, you’re an Arsehole and should be treated as such

Is it possible that, with much work and explanation, I could convince an Arshole to not be an Arsehole? Yes – but not only is that work and painful and difficult, it’s also deeply dehumanising. I find it soul-deep offensive to have to convince someone I am an actual person worthy of respect. Having to defend, explain or justify my humanity is demeaning, it’s belittling and I loathe doing it. Almost as much I hate people telling me how much they’re struggling not to be an Arsehole.

So no, I’m not trying to “find allies.” And even if I were, it’d be impossible to do so by being nice. Someone who respects my rights and humanity and my personhood only so long as I play nicely is not my ally. LGBT people (and all marginalised people) should not have to buy respect and equality by jumping through your hoops and fawning at your feet. I am a person, no matter what – whether I’m mean, cruel, surly, caffeine deprived, sarcastic, plain nasty or whether I’m nice, patient, kind, gentle and saintly. My personhood is not dependent on my conduct – and all marginalised people do not need to show impeccable behaviour to be found worthy of equality

So don’t ever tell me that I’m failing to find allies or I’m driving allies away. The first is not actually something I’m trying to do or want to do. The second is impossible with a genuine ally – because a genuine ally would support our rights as a full human being no matter how much of an ornery, surly git I am.

Don't.

Really don't, because I'm beyond sick of it

I know, I know, you want to make it clear you're totally not a homophobe and it's not about the same-sex couple you just don't like PDAs - of any kind!

But the ONLY time this gets trotted out, certainly in any large numbers, is when LGBT folk have shown the same public love for each other that cishet folks get to do repeatedly every single day.

I do not believe you decide to express your distaste for PDAs every time straight people kiss. I do not. Considering the saturation of straight affecting in the media you couldn't even read your toddler a fairy tale without having to tut "oh look at this PDA, how inappropriate" under your breath. If you turned on a television you would lose your voice having to repeat your disapproval so many times.

There is absolutely no way you express your disapproval of PDAs every time you're confronted by straight people kissing. You would be on permanent repeat, like a record that's skipping.

You don't comment on straight PDAs but you hone in on the MUCH MUCH rarer same-sex PDAs to speak about? Yeah, that's some not-very-subtle shenanigans right there

And if you are genuinely unhappy with any PDA and this totally isn't isolated - then consider whether you need to express this NOW (because you DO let straight PDAs pass, don't even try to claim you don't). Even if you are super duper sure that you are totally not a homophobe in any way, shape or form, be aware that you do sound like one. Be aware that you are speaking in a context where a gazillion of your fellow straight folks constantly use such weasel ways to be homophobic in the hope they can wave the hate flag without backlash. Be aware that there's a whole bunch of straight people with unchallenged privilege and unquestioned prejudice who register, without even realising. same-sex PDA as obscene and needing reaction but don't even notice straight PDAs because they're background noise and you sounds a whole lot like them. Be aware of that "without even realising" and ask yourself how sure you are you AREN'T one of them.

Be aware that, to me and many other LGBT folks, you're part of a vast sea of straight people who've decided to express their disapproval over our relationships. Again.

If you quack and waddle, how sure are you that you aren't a duck? Even if you aren't, you can't be surprised when we reach for the orange sauce

And does it suck that you're totally-well-meaning-and-not-homophobic-honest criticism is being lumped in with that sea of bigotry? Well, not nearly as much as it suck to drown in it.

This also applies to the "I think all marriage/adoption/surrogacy/IVF is wrong" but only say so when we're talking about same-sex couples engaging in them crowd as well.

Yes yes and yes. My home has completely lost gay bars because the number of straight tourists has driven gay people out or made the space unsafe by both numbers or by grossly obnoxious behaviour

There are almost no spaces in the world where LGBT people are not an inherent minority. That's not even a comment on homophobia, that's simple demographics. Even the most generous metrics put LGBT people at about 10% of the population. We are inherently a minority, we will always be, inherently, a minority. Which means 99.9% of everywhere we go all the time we are surrounded by people not like us. All the time (this was an amusing revelation to one of my colleagues lately). So yes, I - and many others - are very protective of the teeny tiny spaces we managed to carve out in this HUGE STRAIGHT WORLD where, for a few blissful moments, we can be us, surrounded by us, knowing everyone around us is... us.

And before anyone cries about it "not being fair". Cis, straight folks - you have the world. The entire freaking world. Every day is straight pride day. Every bar is a straight bar (where we're still evicted on a regular basis). You never have to be careful, being a cis straight person in an LGBT world. You never have to be afraid, being a cis straight person in an LGBT world. You are not the only one of your sexuality or gender identity in a room. You do not have that daily pressure not to be you because you are cis and straight. We need these guarded corners because you have filled the rest of the space with your overwhelming presence but also your overwhelming culture of superiority and hostility - and that's a culture that follows you EVEN IF you are fighting against that. No matter how much of an ally you are, your presence adds to the majority, a majority which, frankly, frightens me.

And, really, you've got the whole world. You object to our tiny corners?

I’ve said before that I want to say gay muppets. I want to see trans people on sesame street. I want to see Dora the explorer’s girlfriend. I want GBLTQ characters in every branch of media – from the incomprehensible bright coloured blobs that are inflicted on babies, through to those insomnia cures with elderly people badly painting churches with watercolours.

And then I come across, in a post where people are discussing the complete lack of GBLTQ representations in Disney programmes “what about contextual clues!” subtext! It’s all about the subtext! They’re implied to be gay, right? Kinda, sorta?

And you know what? It’s not a one shot thing. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it. It’s not the dozenth time. It’s plastered all over – the subtext, the context, the slash goggles somehow making a programme GBLTQ inclusive or friendly and I’m supposed to accept this and be happy with it?

Ok, I’m taking a deep breath so I don’t just respond with a strong of profanity.

No, it’s not enough. Your hot men who have what may be a lingering look or touched each other a little longer than you thought was strictly necessary or y’know are just “so gay together” do NOT count as GBLTQ representation. I don’t care if you’re sat there with your slash goggles and you’re going to run on home and dash off a ream of steamy steamy mansexing (but hey, if you’re going to, maybe you can avoid tropes like making one of the men shorter than he is on screen so he can ‘bottom properly’ and other such badness? Ugh, yes really) your slash fantasy is not a GBLTQ representation.

And deciding that subtext is ok for LBGTQ couples when the same programmes, the same channels, the same series and the same genre aimed at the same demographic is quite happy to have heterosexual couples being openly and blatantly straight (because EVERY LAST genre is happy with that, every last one in all forms of media everywhere) and not have to rely on context or subtext or implication or slash goggles or whatever euphemism we want to use for “it’s far too icky and obscene to state openly, so we have to make a subtle implication”.
Because that’s even more offensive to me. It’s offensive to me that I should regard these hidden hints (and some of them are dubious hints – they need thick slash goggles) as somehow representative of me because gods forbid I be allowed to openly exist and be portrayed! Be grateful for the subtext, because we’re too obscene to be blatant?

So no, I’m not going to hail a work for it’s GBLQT goodness because it may have characters that would fit so well into your hot mansexing slash. No I’m not going to hail it for having GLBTQ themes when it doesn’t have a single BGLTQ character. I am not going to praise it as pro-GBLTQ when the author retcon’s a character as GBLTQ after the fact*** In fact, I’m not going to consider any programme inclusive if I have to search for their “inclusivity” with a magnifying glass, slash goggles and a willingness to believe any men who stand within 3 feet of each other are totally getting it on. Especially not when in the same place a couple can hold hands, hugs, make googly eyes, kiss, make out, and/or have full on humptastic sex

Screw that, if you’re going to have GBLTQ representation – then have it. Don’t sorta hint while maintaining plausible deniability so you can keep the haters and the bigots and the Helen Lovejoys “won’t you please think of the children!” off your back. Don’t try to claim inclusivity cookies when you haven’t even condescended to include a sanitised token and I sure as hell am not going to see any show as inclusive or accepting when it has a 100% cis gendered, straight cast.

And that’s before we get to tokenism!

And that’s even before we get to sanitisation – where a programme/channel/network/genre will show straight folk humping away merrily but 2 people of the same sex having a chaste kiss gives them the vapours.

***A note on a past post: I’ve said in the past that I don’t disagree with Rowling’s decision to not reveal Dumbledore’s sexuality to Harry in the Potter novels. I still stand by that, in the context of the novels it’s perfectly reasonable that a headmaster wouldn’t discuss his sexuality or relationships of any kind. However, that means that they are a series of books, with a vast cast and lots of people pairing off and in relationships without a single GBLTQ character – without a single one. So no, I don’t complain about Dumbeldore’s closet – I complain about yet another overwhelmingly straight cast.

Don’t try to sell me your slash ships as freaking GBLTQ inclusion in the media. It amuses me not even slightly and reminds me (if I needed a reminder – because I so don’t) just how very much “writes about the mansex” does not equal “ally.”

It has been 12 years since Matthew Shepard died from being brutally attacked and tortured by homophobes What was done to him was horrific – so horrendous that it finally served as something of a wake up call. There was outrage, there was fury – and there was a great deal of grief.

People shouldn’t have to suffer like this just because they are GBLTQ. A 21 year old shouldn’t be tortured and killed because he was gay. Lives shouldn’t be cut so horrifically short because the person living them is not straight and cisgendered. It shouldn’t have to be said – but it CANNOT be said enough times.

And the reason why it cannot be repeated enough is because the lesson is not being learned. Because people are not listening to us.

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Spark In Darkness

Teachable Moments

A Not-Always-Happy Holidays

Things Straight, Cis People Shouldn't Say: I Wouldn't Hide

I am not looking for allies

So, if you're a straight person who feels the need to say "I hate all public displays of affection..

So very much agreed

Ok a rant about LGBTQ representation – and why hints don’t cut it

It has been 12 years since the death of Matthew Shepard

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April 2015

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