Spark In Darkness

So I stagger in from work yesterday after another ridiculously long shift and am greeted by...

Beloved: I have crabs!
Sparky: ….
Beloved: CRABS!
Sparky: Wait...
Beloved: Wonderful CRABS!
Sparky: Let me get coffee, then I will respond with appropriate innuendo.
Beloved: Ok I can wait
Sparky: *gets coffee* *ahem* you should go to the clinic about that
Beloved: That's it? Not your best snark.
Sparky: yeah, long day.
Beloved: I got 2 crabs at the market *brandishes whole crabs*
Sparky: Weren't you going to get a new vacuum cleaner?You went out for an electrical appliance and come back with crustaceans. Then you wonder why I don't like it when you shop?
Beloved: See, that was better snark.
Sparky: Thank you, I try.
Beloved: Of course, if you're complaining I could go and buy expensive electrical things without you tomorrow?
Sparky: No, no, you're still banned from shopping without me
Beloved: There's always mail-order
Sparky: Not without credit cards there isn't.
Beloved: *grumble*
Sparky: So I have crabs to clean?
Beloved: Don't worry, I'll do it
Sparky: *sceptical look*
Beloved: I can clean a crab! I know what dead man's fingers look like.
Sparky: Fine, I'll just relax here and watch.
Beloved: Fine *raises rolling pin over whole crab*
Sparky: What are you do-
Beloved: *brings down rolling pin. There is shrapnel*
Sparky: *ducks* You're doing it wrong...
Beloved: There will be no backseat crab cleaning, thank you! Quiet in the cheap seats
Sparky: I'm not drunk enough for this, where's the damn Baileys *wanders off looking for booze*
Beloved: *Sound of lots of hammering*


Let it be known that the correct way to clean a crab is NOT to beat it repeatedly then pick out the shards of shell from the mushed up crab meat. Or to pick the shards of shell of the counter top. And out of the walls. And off the floor. And on top of the cupboards. And in the sink. And off the ceiling. And out of the living room. How did it even get in the living room?! Ugh, he will scatter stuff on the floor, walk in it then go for a tour through the house.

Oh and there are dents in my wooden rolling pin. So I have a rolling pin that is not actually flat. This could also be because he left it in a bowl of water. So it is dented and warped. Alas, it can now only function as a blunt instrument... now what what what would I do with such a thing I wonder?

And there is so much meat in the house it is almost scary..... HMMMMMMMM meat!

I have 5 different marinades for chicken, I have ribs and kebabs and burgers and kebabs and sausages and kebabs and more sausages and we have pork chops and lamb steaks and kebabs and I've just put the bread dough in the oven for making burger buns and we have peppers and corn on the cob.

Oh and salad. For some reason. Oh and pickles and salad dressing and more dressing. Ah salad makes sense now.

Oh and we have kegs and bottles and glasses and mixers so enough booze to kill a large rhinoceros

So, have food, salad, booze and disapproving relatives.

Wait, disapproving relatives?

Apparently it being Good Friday, I am supposed to eat fish. It's apparently a rule. And apparently adding prawns to the BBQ does not count..

I'm not Christian and I don't think all non-Catholics (or even all Catholics) follow this anyway so I am bewildered at their need to enforce some kind of religious prohibition on my menu. The counter-argument was that it's “tradition” yeah, it's Christian tradition, not mine – and perhaps tradition because we WERE a fishing port and the reason people ate fish every Friday was because it was the end of the damn week and it was CHEAP. It was the food you ate when you were down to your last pennies – and now fish costs waaay more than the lovely animal corpses. Hmmmmm dead coo-beastie *drool*

Anyway, apparently it's bad and wrong. Pfft, the same traditions say I'm bad and wrong so I may as well eat whatever the hell I want to eat. Now pass the lovely lovely chickens, Beloved has to burn the outside and lightly warm the inside to create a perfect salmonella filling.


And it's SUNNY! Normally the weather drops rain, sleet, hail, snow and canned fish on us every time we try to BBQ.

IT IS A SIGN! My BBQ is officially approved of. So there.


(Still haven't forgiven Beloved. Even if it was on sale and didn't cost £500 but cost £280. STILL NOT OK!)

oooh boooze. See you later, well, assuming I can reach the keyboard. Booze + food poisoning suggests no.


Also, I should probably get dressed.

Cooked by... Beloved

Oh dear.

See I knew he was cooking today I just didn't think he'd try something that is... well, not warming up stuff I've already cooked.

That was a horrible horrible thing to do to a beef joint.

I had a bakingfest today (yes, I had a family fool moment, always makes me bake)

So now I have apple cake, chocolate Victoria sponge cake, a date and walnut loaf and a Great Big Artery Death chocolate Rum cake. And bread – real real real bread.

So I announce I’m not cooking tonight, I is TIRED from baking all day

Beloved will cook… except I want to live. So vetoed.

And we had take away

Beloved: Gorgeous meaty calzone!

Sparky: *raises eyebrow*

Beloved: uh, I mean naughty, bad calzone, that tastes like ashes in my mouth, oh the horror of such bad food that does not match Sparky’s in any way!

Sparky: Nice recovery.
Beloved: what did you get?
Sparky: Oh a salad…

Beloved: A salad? You?

Sparky: yeah, you know me – healthy eating and all

*sneaks donner meat Kebab from hiding place* ooooh soo unhealthily goood

Beloved: Interesting salad there…

Sparky: Hey no sneaking up on me -go back to your ash calzone

Beloved: Uh-huh I just wanted to check your “salad”

Sparky: There’s salad in it, damn it.

Beloved: yeah – you realise the centre of those meat towers are like salmonella central?

Sparky: I don’t care, it’s worth it *nomnomnom*

Beloved: Bah, you don’t get to complain about my cooking EVER AGAIN.