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sparkindarknessOh clients, I have given you my email address. Now, a cookie to the first client who can tell me what that email address is for?
No? No-one? Well, that makes sense since NONE OF YOU ARE GETTING IT RIGHT!!!!
My email address is so you can contact me when I’m busy – which I acknowledge I often am. It is so either of us can send large amounts of information sure that the other can remember and it is so I can talk to you without listening to your annoying voice or putting up with your inane questions.
I have several email addresses, I do it because the endless frustration caused by forgetting all those passwords helps me work through the karmic debt I accumulated in my last life (I am assuming I was Hitler in my previous life as it is the only thing that can explain some my clients). My client email address ONLY goes to clients. I use it NOWHERE else. It is company based, not public or web based.
Which means, dear clients, ONE OF YOU has passed it to the spammers. I cannot imagine what possessed you to use your lawyer’s address in places that lead to me getting emails about breast enlargement and free prescription medicine (medicine over the internet from Spam? Anyone who takes those pills DESERVES to die from the rat poison they’re inevitably posted). The Digital Hounds will find you.
And you! Yes, you, plague bearer! Get my email address out of that damn computer! In fact, throw that computer away and get a new one. Then - and this is important – when you connect the new one up to your ultra-ultra-fast expensive broadband connection INVEST IN A FIREWALL AND VIRUS CHECKER! Your computer is laying siege to mine with a constant barrage of worms, Trojans, viruses and battle axe wielding Oompaloompas. Stop it! You are the hub of all that is bad on the internet. You are the source of spam, you are the Typhoid Mary of viruses, you are the Greeks bearing gifts. Get it virus checked and exorcised – the entire internet will thank you for it. I’d send the Hounds after you but I fear they may catch something.
Oh, and Ms Wide-eyed and hopeful? I realise there are such a thing as chain-emails. I also realise that you may find the profound messages in some of the various memes going round the net to be so in credible that you simply MUST share them with your entire friends list, your family, random strangers you meet in the street and announce them on the emergency broadcast system to ensure as many people as possible get exposed to this guru-like wisdom. I also realise there are emails that promise more wondrous things than a stoned fairy godmother so long as you pass them on to 101 people.
But you know what connects them all? The fact that I do not want to hear about ANY OF THEM! Nor do I want to know what Harry Potter character you are, what anime character you are or what tragic heroine you are. Take me OFF your mass mailing list, damn it, I’m your LAWYER?! In fact, just kill the list – I am 90% certain that most people on that list delete those emails as soon as they get them. I’d send the Hounds, but I imagine they have to wait in line behind everyone else who is quietly wishing you dead, cursed or sentenced to a lifetime’s banishment to Wisconsin.
And Ms. Angsty? I’m you’re lawyer, not your therapist. I don’t want to hear it in person, I most certainly don’t want to read reams and reams of your personal problems interspaced by bad poetry (and I mean REALLY BAD. People like you are the reason why Byron was a drug addict). Unless it relates to your case, I don’t want to hear it. If you are having suicidal tendencies I will gladly loan you a rope or a gas oven but you will only feel more depressed if I have to bill you for talking you down off the ledge. I’d send the Hounds to rip you limb from limb but you’d probably enjoy it.
And Ms. Annonymous? Yeah, you, I know who you are – it’s so PAINFULLY obvious. I am not interested in you in person (even aside from the ethical considerations of getting romantically involved with a client), why do you think your emails are going to suddenly get me hot and heavy? Especially THAT email?! Send me another email like that and I will give your email and home address to the Jehova’s Witnesses. I’m sending the Hounds to eat you – you can cyber with them.
And far too many of you stupid clients? You know what lawyer/client confidentiality means? Yes? Well, you know if you want to keep that you should STOP FORWARDING THE EMAILS I SEND YOU TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!! And while you’re at it – get a professional email address, damn it! I have to keep copies of all my correspondence on file – do you know how bad it looks when it is labeled as being from crazy_sex_chipmunk69696969@hotmail.com?! The Hounds are after you and ALL your chipmunks.
And to the other side? STOP USING THIS EMAIL ADDRESS! You know better! You’re supposed to be lawyers as well. This is a client address, I have labeled it as such. Email me on this address and I will BILL YOU! MUAHAHA! And that goes DOUBLE for you, officer. You freak, just because you got my client address from that stupid idiot you questioned doesn’t mean you can email me on it and you most CERTAINLY cannot try and pose as them to ask me questions about the case! Shame on you! I’m going to feed you that badge and engrave the entire lawyer’s ethics code and the PACE act onto your bones. The Hounds are too good for you. I’m getting the judge to send his Horsemen instead.
No? No-one? Well, that makes sense since NONE OF YOU ARE GETTING IT RIGHT!!!!
My email address is so you can contact me when I’m busy – which I acknowledge I often am. It is so either of us can send large amounts of information sure that the other can remember and it is so I can talk to you without listening to your annoying voice or putting up with your inane questions.
I have several email addresses, I do it because the endless frustration caused by forgetting all those passwords helps me work through the karmic debt I accumulated in my last life (I am assuming I was Hitler in my previous life as it is the only thing that can explain some my clients). My client email address ONLY goes to clients. I use it NOWHERE else. It is company based, not public or web based.
Which means, dear clients, ONE OF YOU has passed it to the spammers. I cannot imagine what possessed you to use your lawyer’s address in places that lead to me getting emails about breast enlargement and free prescription medicine (medicine over the internet from Spam? Anyone who takes those pills DESERVES to die from the rat poison they’re inevitably posted). The Digital Hounds will find you.
And you! Yes, you, plague bearer! Get my email address out of that damn computer! In fact, throw that computer away and get a new one. Then - and this is important – when you connect the new one up to your ultra-ultra-fast expensive broadband connection INVEST IN A FIREWALL AND VIRUS CHECKER! Your computer is laying siege to mine with a constant barrage of worms, Trojans, viruses and battle axe wielding Oompaloompas. Stop it! You are the hub of all that is bad on the internet. You are the source of spam, you are the Typhoid Mary of viruses, you are the Greeks bearing gifts. Get it virus checked and exorcised – the entire internet will thank you for it. I’d send the Hounds after you but I fear they may catch something.
Oh, and Ms Wide-eyed and hopeful? I realise there are such a thing as chain-emails. I also realise that you may find the profound messages in some of the various memes going round the net to be so in credible that you simply MUST share them with your entire friends list, your family, random strangers you meet in the street and announce them on the emergency broadcast system to ensure as many people as possible get exposed to this guru-like wisdom. I also realise there are emails that promise more wondrous things than a stoned fairy godmother so long as you pass them on to 101 people.
But you know what connects them all? The fact that I do not want to hear about ANY OF THEM! Nor do I want to know what Harry Potter character you are, what anime character you are or what tragic heroine you are. Take me OFF your mass mailing list, damn it, I’m your LAWYER?! In fact, just kill the list – I am 90% certain that most people on that list delete those emails as soon as they get them. I’d send the Hounds, but I imagine they have to wait in line behind everyone else who is quietly wishing you dead, cursed or sentenced to a lifetime’s banishment to Wisconsin.
And Ms. Angsty? I’m you’re lawyer, not your therapist. I don’t want to hear it in person, I most certainly don’t want to read reams and reams of your personal problems interspaced by bad poetry (and I mean REALLY BAD. People like you are the reason why Byron was a drug addict). Unless it relates to your case, I don’t want to hear it. If you are having suicidal tendencies I will gladly loan you a rope or a gas oven but you will only feel more depressed if I have to bill you for talking you down off the ledge. I’d send the Hounds to rip you limb from limb but you’d probably enjoy it.
And Ms. Annonymous? Yeah, you, I know who you are – it’s so PAINFULLY obvious. I am not interested in you in person (even aside from the ethical considerations of getting romantically involved with a client), why do you think your emails are going to suddenly get me hot and heavy? Especially THAT email?! Send me another email like that and I will give your email and home address to the Jehova’s Witnesses. I’m sending the Hounds to eat you – you can cyber with them.
And far too many of you stupid clients? You know what lawyer/client confidentiality means? Yes? Well, you know if you want to keep that you should STOP FORWARDING THE EMAILS I SEND YOU TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!! And while you’re at it – get a professional email address, damn it! I have to keep copies of all my correspondence on file – do you know how bad it looks when it is labeled as being from crazy_sex_chipmunk69696969@hotmail.com?! The Hounds are after you and ALL your chipmunks.
And to the other side? STOP USING THIS EMAIL ADDRESS! You know better! You’re supposed to be lawyers as well. This is a client address, I have labeled it as such. Email me on this address and I will BILL YOU! MUAHAHA! And that goes DOUBLE for you, officer. You freak, just because you got my client address from that stupid idiot you questioned doesn’t mean you can email me on it and you most CERTAINLY cannot try and pose as them to ask me questions about the case! Shame on you! I’m going to feed you that badge and engrave the entire lawyer’s ethics code and the PACE act onto your bones. The Hounds are too good for you. I’m getting the judge to send his Horsemen instead.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-20 11:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-23 11:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-22 10:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-23 11:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-24 06:04 am (UTC)