Sometimes you just want to pick up your favourite edged weapon

[sparkindarkness]

And start hacking

Work has thrown me a curve ball and, much to my own rather unpleasant surprise, managed to hurt me and undermine me quite considerably. I’m rather severely pissed (and hurt) and it’s going to cause me to view some people I respect considerably rather differently. This is not a good thing.

It began with a crazy client. No surprises there. On my desk I have a picture of Beloved and I - we’re sat on a sofa, he has his arm around my shoulders. That’s it - it’s not like we’re nekked or even kissing or anything. It’s been on my desk for several months ever since I decided to stop hiding as much as I am able - and besides, everyone else has personal photos on my desk (one colleague even has their wedding photo with the “You may now kiss the bride” moment captured quite beautifully) my desk was notable by its lack of any pictures of family or at least a pet.

Client asked about picture. I informed client about picture. Interview continued along almost uniquely sane lines. Interview is over. I work on the Paperwork Backlog when Senior Partner asks to speak with me.

It seems that Client has come to him and complained about... well specifics are vague but generally it seems she is Not Happy about her lawyer being gay and vaguely thinks that she should have been told and/or I should have hidden it better (I’m rather vaguely amused and exasperated that these two statements are blatantly contradictory) and either way she is Shocked and Appalled. He assures me the matter is dealt with, he has apologised to client and asks me to keep my photo in a drawer when meeting clients.

There then follows a disconnect. Because this is Senior Partner man. Senior Partner is older than dirt, wiser than Soloman and more powerful than God. Senior Partner man has the voice of a Shakespearean actor, the demeanour of an emperor and the authority of a cult leader. It’s an assumption that you just agree with him, because he is right. He is always right, it is Known.

So I nod and smile and go back to my office and repeat what has happened to Mad Secretary and Colleague who is Stealing our Coffee. Upon hearing myself repeat it it clicks and I have a Moment and promptly subject them to 40 minutes of enraged and marginally incoherent ranting.


He apologised for me. He apologised. What. The. Fuck. He apologised for what?! For me being gay? For having a gay associate? For me not being in the closet? For inflicting gayness on her?! You apologise when you’ve done something wrong and/or when you’ve done something you are/should be ashamed of. I am not wrong, I am not a mistake or a bad decision by the firm. I will NOT accept the firm or the Partners being ashamed of me! I’m a damned good lawyer, I work any hours any time they ask, I pull epic all nighters to reach ridiculous deadlines, I’m on call at a moment’s notice for those lovely police interviews. I tolerate all kinds of crap from clients. My cases are exemplary. I even stuck with the firm and performed small miracles when one of the Partners decided to shag his secretary rather than do any work - how DARE he be ashamed of me?! How dare he apologise for me?! How dare he imply that I am doing something wrong or the firm is doing something wrong by having a homosexual practice law?!

And put my photo away? It’s not risquee! Hells it’s not even that affectionate - it’s a pose that could have just as easily been 2 brothers! He wants me to hide? He wants me to act like I’m ashamed? He wants me to bloody CLOSET myself?! Because some bigot freaked out? If a bigot had a hissy over my white colleague’s marriage to a black woman would he ask him to put his photographs away? I dearly hope not. He wants me to pretend I am not gay... I just cannot express the depth of that - in a culture where we spend our lives hiding, fighting not to hide and desperately afraid when we don’t hide - to tell me to hide is a gross violation.

I am outraged at being treated like this. And, worse, I am unhappy with what this has done to my work environment - I thought this was a safe place, a place where my homosexuality wasn’t a problem, wasn’t something to worry about. I thought it was a place where I could be me - that’s why I took the photograph out in the first place! Because I felt safe. Because I felt secure. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.

And worst of all, it’s severely damaged the respect I have for a man I had a great deal of respect for. I respected him, was truly impressed by him, admired him and in many ways wished to emulate him - but it seems that respect only went one way. And yes, maybe it is a mistake, maybe he doesn’t get it, people can have odd blind spots... but he should have. And I can’t help feel if he had had the vaguest respect for me he would have. He’s broken something important in our working relationship and I’m not sure if it can ever be the same. It’s not like I’ll have to quit or anything (in this economy!) but I’ll just have to do what so many homosexuals have to do - and what I’ve done in the past. Part of the closet will have to come to work with me...

I also resent what shit like this does to my mood. I wanted to write, I wanted to re-write. I wanted to hit the kitchen and planning some daring disaster. I wanted to go out this weekend and maybe get wasted for the sheer sake of it - and now I’m completely not in the mood for any of it. I’m pissed that there’s shit like this happening from sources which are so damned unexpected and I’m pissed that it can still get under my skin and derail me.

I left work early today (or rather, didn‘t stay late). No more appointments and the paperwork can wait (something I’ll regret) I just can’t get anything done in this mood. Mad Secretary will commiserate and keep it to herself, Coffee-stealing colleague probably won’t. I’m not sure if I care whether he or the firm in general learns how angry I am about this. In some ways I want it known, I want my anger known and if they have any respect for me that will matter to them. But I’m unsure about the fallout... still I didn’t ask her to keep it to herself.

And I have to decide what to do tomorrow. Do I put the photo away, chalk it up to experience, keep moving and get over it? Do I confront Senior Partner (or his peers) and have a blazing row? Do I send a detailed message and conversation with them about my disatisfaction (a blazing row that starts politely)? I don’t know, I’ll see what the dawn brings.

Comments

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

I think I would take a copy of this well-written expression of your rightful outrage and request a meeting with Senior Partner tomorrow. Be polite, but firm that if you are made to put your pictures away, EVERYONE needs to put their pictures away.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Man. That's really rough. *offers hugs*

Personally I'd leave the photo out and if they tell you to put it away, ask them to explain exactly why you should have to. If they're really going to be so bigoted as to force you to be in the closet at work, make them come out and admit to you and themselves that that's what they're doing.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Argh. For some reason, I had the idea that that sort of thing didn't happen in civilized societies (note that I do not consider the US to be civilized in this regard).

I support your outrage and think it is entirely justified.

Do you report directly to Senior Partner or are there levels of management between you and him? If the latter, I would strongly encourage you to go to your direct supervisor first, rather than going over her/his head to Senior Partner. In any case, though, I think you should bring this up with management, because it's not only unfair and discriminatory, it's damn WRONG.

[chesh.livejournal.com]

This. Thisthisthisthisthisthisthis.

I don't know what was going through his head when he (1) apologized for your existence/gayness/whatever and then (2) proceeded to ask you to closet yourself. I actually find (1) more offensive than (2). And I find crazy client to be in need of a clue-by-four.

I shall now sit in the corner and froth quietly to myself.

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

That sucks. I can imagine how hurt and disappointed you must feel :(

I'm actually envious though that you even had a period where you felt THAT safe at work. My bestest friend at work is gay, and lies through her teeth about being married to an anti-social git called Paul to avoid issues like staff do's.

I don't even talk about my hobbies, and NO-ONE at work even has a hint that I'm bi - my environment would never feel safe to me or my gay friend :(

PS

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

I would very much like to have half an hour in an soundproofed room with that client. Oh yes I would

[oxfordgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh gods, dude, when I read this I wanted it to be an April Fool's. I guess it's not. This sickens and saddens me.

I agree with the commenter above who suggests that you take a version of this post - without the swearing and the hyperbole - into work, and present it to them, as a first step.

Oh, hon.

I don't know what to say. This blows goats.

[suryaofvulcan.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's horrible. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with that - from a senior partner you trusted too. That's the sucker-punch.

And the client asked about the photo? It sounds to me like she was looking to be offended - to make trouble for some twisted reason of her own. Otherwise why ask?

Does your firm have an equalities policy, or anything like that? (I somehow got the impression you work for a largish firm - if so they should have one.) If you can point to this as a breach of their own policy it might go down better.

It's easy for me to say since I'm not in the situation, but I don't think I would just put the photo away. I think I would at least ask if that meant everyone else would be told to remove their personal photos.

I talso think if you're going to say anything to anyone, it should be exactly what you've said here.

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

Dude. Blazing row. With feeling. I'm actually spluttering with not-even-slightly-concealed rage on your behalf.

Out of interest, does your family department deal with Civil Partnership matters? If they do, then - HELLO?! HYPOCRISY?!

I thought that we as a civilised society were past this sort of bollocks, but apparently not. *hug*

[sabine791110.livejournal.com]

Wow. Sleep on it to get a little distance, but you should most definitely have a sit-down with Senior Partner and try to discuss in adult/polite ways why you feel it's out of line. Then, if that doesn't work, go for the blazing row.

I also agree with the suggestions that if you have to put your personal picture away, so should everyone else. There should be no wearing of wedding rings and women should never be addressed as "Mrs.". That sounds appropriate.

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry - but has the Senior Partner in a law firm just breached the discrimination laws? Sure there are ways to apologise (I'm reminded of Capt Sheridan's apology in Babylon 5 - "I'm sorry that you feel that way..."), but what he's asked you to do is so far from acceptable it's on the moon.

Make a complaint - and keep the photo out.

[baranduyn.livejournal.com]

You could maybe ask to meet with Senior Partner and explain what his words mean to you. I suspect he'll either go into 'cough cough the client is sometimes right' and never address the meat of the issue or just look at you as if you've gone spare.

He just might not get it. He might think he's a great guy for employing an openly gay person which is of course bunk. But if you never explain (hopefully by taking the high road and being analytical) he'll never learn.

Finding out people just don't get it will absolutely ruin your day.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Senior Partner is older than dirt, wiser than Soloman and more powerful than God. Senior Partner man has the voice of a Shakespearean actor, the demeanour of an emperor and the authority of a cult leader. It’s an assumption that you just agree with him, because he is right. He is always right, it is Known.

Which means, I suspect he hadn't the slightest clue that what he was asking was so offensive, because he simply never thought of it.

No, seriously. Call it inconsiderate, call it gay-blind, call it whatever you want - but I'm willing to bet he simply *didn't think*.

Were I you, I'd make an appointment, speak to him, make the point that this treats you as less than a full person and make the comparison to Other Associate's interracial marriage, and tell him, calmly and clearly in your best coaxing-the-judge voice that you thought about what he said and you think he's wrong.

[makarov.livejournal.com]

now the lunatic in me says "FUCK EM, CALL IN A NAPALM STRIKE & BURN THE FUCKERS" *blazing row*, but the sane person would say, "yes, you have just provocation for kicking up a row, but i must advise restraint *get on with it*", YMMV

[seryan.livejournal.com]

This makes me feel sick.

I say start the blazing row politely, for now. It's much easier to shame people when you keep your temper. And do not hide the photo. Clients don't like it? They can grow the fuck up.

[soappuppy.livejournal.com]

This. Exactly this, precisely this. /agree, /agree, /agree.

And I'm so sorry. :( That must feel awful. :( I hope it works out for you. If Senior Partner is indeed "wiser than Solomon and more powerful than God", he may well see the error of his ways when confronted politely.

Fingers crossed.

[home-of-usher.livejournal.com]

I also agree with the weasel King. Things come out wrong. here's wrong and then there's Not thinking wrong. Still wrong but on the level of brain fart. Older than dirt people tend to have those a lot, wise though they may be.

Also, I have to ask if you know the precise nature of the 'apology' since senior partner could have simply said "I'm sorry that you feel that way" As I'm sure if she'd confronted you about it you might have said something along similarly polite and professional lines instead of saying "I'm sorry you didn't get hit by a truck on the way over" like you want to.

Polite awareness of the disgruntlement would probably be safest. I wouldn't put the photo away though. You are Lawyer. They shouldn't be able to force you or any employee to remove personal pictures of family Period, right? Doing so would violate your rights. If you do not comply what could they do? fire you? That smack of lawsuit right there. I'm sure you don't want to lose your job over a photo, but you are no different than any other person employed there. It would be discrimination plain and simple. I really hope when it's brought up to Senior partners with that definition of the request you put the photo away, they might realize it's too much trouble to push the issue and the clients will just have to deal. It's that lady's own fault for asking about the dang photo in the first place. If she doesn't want to know about it, she shouldn't have fucking asked.

[touchstone.livejournal.com]

You know, I actually misread the first time through, on the naive assumption that the sentence that had Senior Partner and an apology was him apologizing to you for the client's behavior.

Anyway, I'm with the folks who said: calmly, politely and firmly state that your sexual preference needs neither concealment, apology, nor a spotlight. From the way you've written, Senior Partner is someone you WANT to be able to respect. In your conversation with him, you have two goals: give him a chance to deserve it (despite his earlier failure; we're all stupic sometimes), and show him that you deserve it as well. The more professional you are, the more it will give perspective on his failure to be similarly so WITHOUT forcing him onto the defensive.

You want him to do the right thing. Don't accept less, but also don't go into the conversation in a way that will make it more difficult for him to do so.

[being-here.livejournal.com]

That makes me so angry I am fuming. How fucking dare he. I personally would recommend some time with haddock and spork for Justice. (also *hugs* in the meantime)

[cuglas.livejournal.com]

Man, that so sucks.

He was wrong, but I'm not sure you can win in a direct confrontation.

Passive resistance is your friend. I wouldn't put the picture away. I wouldn't change my conduct with clients. I would say, calmly, if asked , "I really don't think I or you or anyone at this firm should apologize for my love life. It's a fact of my life. There's nothing wrong with it. We shouldn't apologize to a client if the client's bigotry makes her uncomfortable. "

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Most of what I want to say or ask has already been said or asked, so I'm going to ask one side question and say one side comment.

Side question: Are you in any permitted to either fire this client, or arrange to not see this client ever again, on the grounds of incompatibility?

Side comment: I have told you in the past that I would trust you with my children. That has not changed. I respect and admire you, and feel sorry that you're constantly going through shit. I am fond of you and wish you and Beloved health and happiness and luck (and handcuffs whenever applicable ;)). In short, you're still (and have always been) human to me and I do not intend to treat you as any less than human, and any discomfort on my part is my problem.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

In any way permitted. Stupid rented fingers.

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

I'm sure the partner apologised in the 'sorry you're an idiot' way just to make the crazy person shut up and leave, without thinking about the implications - and he probably thinks you putting the photo away will save him and you more hassle. Again, without thinking it through.

It's *Illegal* for him to ask you to put your photo away and no one else, and you can remind him of that if you need to. I'd wait until you're calmer, and maybe talk to another partner or someone at least more senior at the firm for advice. Then either you or they approach the old man and explain politely that no, you won't hide the fact you're gay any more than you would hide the fact you're male. He wouldn't ask another employee to conceal being Muslim or black or disabled, and this is just the same - the clients need to accept there is nothing wrong with *you*.

But honey, I am so very, very sorry you have had this happen to you. You're such a good, wonderful man and you deserve this not in the least. That client should be taken out back and shot.

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

fourth-ing what theweaselking said. it might be a bad case of The Old Man Just Didn't Think. even as infuriating and offensive as he was, it may be worth it to at least give him a chance to get his brain around the stupid thing he said, and win your respect back, before going in with the flamethrower.

otherwise--damn, i'm sorry, sparky. what a kick to the teeth. ARGH. >=(

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

I would be prepared to have myself impregnated just so Sparky could babysit my kids, if I lived anywhere near him!