Coming out Day redux

[sparkindarkness]

Well last year I spoke (or blogged? Oh gods, did I blog? Am I a blogger? Naaaaah, I’m far too disorganised to be a blogger) about National (by national I mean some nation which probably isn’t England and is most likely the US, but hey, if you have a good prompt for a verbose ramble, I take it) Coming out Day

Handy-dandy linkie is here: http://sparkindarkness.livejournal.com/180962.html I could probably use html to make that look pretty and stuff, but I tend to think if you have to laboriously copy and paste html codes from older posts and FAQs you may as well stop pretending and admit to being computer-inept

Now back then I made a pledge to myself - that I would destroy the last shreds of the closet that bound me. Not to the point of loudly avowing my love of cock at the Westboro Baptist Church Gun and Flamethrower Display, certainly, but in situations where I avoid “social awkwardness” by hiding, glossing over or otherwise diverting from my homosexuality I have been fighting back the cowardice and made sure those closet doors are all the way open.

I am proud of me for that - because it was hard. It’s amazing how deep the instinct to hide, to lie, to deflect is ingrained. Even simple things like someone saying “Is your wife a lawyer?” and responding with “No, my husband/partner is a computer technician” takes an effort of conscious will to bite down on the automatic gender neutral or even female response.

But more than just fighting my own instincts, it’s shocking how much rougher it made my life at times. Obviously I got the odd “You’re GAY?! Curse you abominable excuse for a human being! I shall now judge you with nonsensical insults!” because, duh, you EXPECT them. Hey we’re ALL used to dealing with them and we can be (usually) confident that most people around us think they’re complete arseholes as well.

However there were some more general rough patches that caught me by surprise - it’s eye-opening how much basic homophobia constantly rubs against you - and how much more noticeable it is when you refuse to swim with the tide. Some things that have worn at me.




1) People trying to force me back into the closet.
Like I came out, they know I’m gay, they played nice - now can I go back to pretending to be straight please? It’s like I’m expected to crawl back in and pull the door closed, maybe leave it slightly ajar. Sorry, doesn’t work that way.

Yes, I WILL talk about my partner and relationship when it’s appropriate to do so. If we’re all discussing what we did this weekend and I went to a fancy restaurant with Beloved, I will say so. If conversation turns to families I will not exclude myself. In short, if a straight person would talk about their relationship/significant other at that moment then so will I - and no, I’m not “forcing my gayness” on you or “rubbing my sexuality in your face” what does that even MEAN?!

Being out means being OUT. That means not hiding who we are and who we love. If you want us to do so then you want us to be closeted

2) I’m sensitive, not oversensitive
In that I notice things straight people probably don’t. The Angry Black Woman said it best on her blog: http://theangryblackwoman.com/2007/05/24/things-you-need-to-understand-6/ If you are not gay then NO you probably WON’T see every example of homophobia. Just as if you’re not a person of colour, you will not see every example of racism. Just as if if you’re not a woman you won’t noticed every example of sexism. It’s not directed at you, it doesn’t ping your radar so hard. You aren’t used to seeing it, you don’t feel it’s effects.

So don’t tell me what is and what isn’t homophobic or what I should or should not be offended by. Don’t cover your prejudice or defend someone else’s prejudice by accusing me of oversensitivity. If you DO say something that offends unintentionally then you SHOULD say “I’m sorry, I’ll not say that again. I apologise for not thinking properly and hurting you.” THAT is what you say when you offend someone carelessly or through ignorance. Saying “I’m sorry you’re offended.” or “I didn’t mean it that way.” Don’t count - you’re trying to excuse your offence there when you should be apologising for it.

3) My existence does not oppress you.
Similarly, my or anyone else reacting negatively to your objections to my existence also does not oppress you. Your sincerely held religious belief doesn’t justify you being an arsehole. I don’t take you to task for disrespecting mother earth, my colleague didn’t call you a sinful gentile eater of unclean filth (well she DID but only because you were an arsehole to us first, because she‘s several kinds of awesome like that). In fact, I think I resent the bigots stealing the language of rights almost as much as I resent the homophobia in the first place

4) My being open about my sexuality does not make stereotypes any less offensive
Consider the following statements:
“Oh, you’re Jewish. I won’t ask to borrow money then!”
“Oh you’re black, I‘ll hide the valuables!”
“Oh you’re a muslim, let me call the bomb disposal squad!”

Chances are you found none of them funny (and if you did, shame on you). In fact, most of us probably cringe even seeing them in print, I know it pained me to type them. Right, so please accord homosexuals the same respect - gay jokes are rarely funny, stereotypes, mincing and diminutive words annoy. I don’t want to hear it, really, from the implication of “limp wrists” or general wimpiness to the not-so-subtle AIDS references (because, y’know that REALLY breaks the ice). Sometimes this is done through innocent mistake - but really, think twice. That joke about fashion and shoe obsession may sound sooooo good to you, but it’s probably going to go down as well as yet another miser joke to a Jewish person. Running to tell your gay friends the news about a possible new AIDS vaccine (when they have shown no interest in any disease or medicine in the past) may have innocent intentions -but by assuming they’re interested (or even personally affected) you’re making a rather insulting assumption and association.

As always, stop and THINK. On all of these things one of the basic points is that homophobia is societal and ingrained and even the most well intentioned of us (even gay people themselves) carry a shadow of prejudice or warping that can be damaging, worrying or hurtful.


However, it hasn’t been all bad. There have been some bonuses:

1) My “more foreground” gayness has resulted in a couple of people scraping their tongues clean and opening their eyes to the casual insults they’ve dealt me for months if not years. They never MEANT to and I didn’t even have to call (most of) them on it, they just became more aware and had “oh shit, have I been saying/doing that?” I’m especially impressed with my Warcraft Guild (considering how bad Internet gaming can be about these things). It really reduces my stress in my life not to have CONSTANT wince moments. I never realised how often a day I just cringe inside.

2) I can actually TALK to people. I can talk about the dinner and a movie, the Saturday lounging on the sofa, even bitching about Beloved (not that I would do such heinousness) with friends who aren’t gay and aren’t in the closest or closest of friends circles. Do you know how HARD it is to have any kind of casual conversation with people when 80% of your life is declared off-limits? It’s a wonderful relief.

More, people feel free to ask questions. It's amazing the ignorance out there. Some of it's insulting but a lot is genuine and it's been a thrill really to correct some really erroneous assumptions even when they were really really weird.

So in all? I’m glad I did it. it’s a struggle, it’s tiring and I’ve failed now and then. But on the whole, it’s been a result

Comments

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

The "trying to force back into the closet" is the one that appalls me the most - even as a completely straight woman. Living here in the Bible Belt of the Good Ol' U S of A (land of the free* with the asterisk standing for "as long as you're exactly like the majority), I am not all that surprised by the people who are utterly terrorized by the existence of homosexuality and ramble on about hellfiredamnationyadayadayada.

But it's the ones who claim to be tolerant and non-bigoted who still grumble, "Do they have to, like, talk about it all the time? Do they have to parade it around?"

No one accused me of having an "agenda" or "rubbing it in people's faces" when I said I had a boyfriend. Nobody grumbled when my sister got married to her husband last year. Nobody huffs and puffs when a book contains a heterosexual romance.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It surprised me. There were people I took as being happy and comfortable with my sexuality, who reacted so well to the original revelation but get bitchy about continued exposure, as it were. Like they have a limited tolerance of it. I don't know, in some cases I think it's because they feel the urge to be supportive and protective (as you do during a coming-out) and by my "coming-out" all the damn time they feel they are being called upon to play supporter all the time?

Or maybe they have to make a conscious effort not to be shocked/to be comfortable with homosexuality and being unable to pretend I'm straight requires more constant effort.


I think in some ways it stresses the difference between TOLERANCE and ACCEPTANCE. Someone who ACCEPTS me as gay is happy to be reminded me of the fact all day long. Someone who TOLERATES me as gay is putting up with my gayness - which is easy to do in small doses by when they can't pretend their "tolerance" stretches

Exactly! And this is exactly what I throw back at them. I remember waaay back in the days of yore telling people I was getting married or squeeing over my first wedding anniversary and people being bitchy because I was bringing it up too much or trying to ram it down their throats - hello, how many other soon-to-be-married couples are excited and bubbly about the nuptials and you don't bitch about THEM?

[harald387.livejournal.com]

They never MEANT to and I didn’t even have to call (most of) them on it, they just became more aware and had “oh shit, have I been saying/doing that?” I’m especially impressed with my Warcraft Guild (considering how bad Internet gaming can be about these things) ... It's amazing the ignorance out there.

It only took me two weeks to cure the new guild of casual use of 'gay' as a negative adjective. I was kind of impressed.

Now if only I could manage it with my family. They don't even think about it. My sister's particularly bad; in the course of one conversation she managed to complain about being 'jewed' by the government for income tax, said that it would have been better for Vietnamese refugees to have starved and died rather than having an opportunity to make a life in Ottawa (taking jobs away from white people), and admitted to having authorized the firing of an employee at her company 'mostly because she's a lesbian, and that's disgusting'. I really don't understand how the pair of us managed to come out of the same family with such utterly different views on race, religion, and sexuality. I was staring at her in horror and it took everyone else a minute to catch on to what was bothering me. Unfortunately, I don't really see them enough to really start swinging a hammer at that bastion of idiocy; I'll just keep poking at it every chance I get, I guess.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It didn't take me long either -but then I'm dual-GM. Personally offending the dual-gm? Yeah, that's a BAAAAAAAAAAAAD idea. But most will stop when you point out to them just how awful it sounds.

This is what irritates me about people who rant about "pc" it's just being polite? Is it that hard? Do you need ANY reason not to use a word beyond the fact the person so being labelled doesn't like it?

Oh gods I would strangle her. Or (given that strangling family is frowned upon) pointedly leave the room every time she spoke like that - or jsut send out some huge ol'slapdowns. I hate ti when family acts up like that, they're so much harder to slap into line

[solid-squid.livejournal.com]

I really don't understand how the pair of us managed to come out of the same family

To quote the wise Terry Pratchett, "Gold and muck come out of the same shaft."

[remote45.livejournal.com]

*Friendly lurker popping out for a moment* Very interesting statement. I'm sure it is quite difficult and I'm not really sure that I would have the courage to be as completely open as you are. As you note, the world is not always kind and while it may not ping my radar as much, since I'm the mother of a transgender child and he has expressed some of the same things you have, I wince at some of the same things I see and hear that I imagine you do. I think the ones that bother me the most are the ones that claim to be open and understanding but still say some of the same hurtful things but feel like they are allowed to, because they are soooo open to "that sort of thing"! Would you mind if I linked this journal entry in my own? I know of several people who would enjoy reading your eloquent affirmation!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

*waves* it is hard and on off days or tiring days I "lapse" and go under cover again because it's EASIER. Which is shameful in and of itself - that it is easier.

It's a constant low level barrage of unpleasantness. Occasionally you get the vocal equivalent of a knife wound, but usually it's lots of little stings EVERY day. Few screams of agony -but endless winces. And it's pretty wearing

Oh yes "I'm tolerant and good - so *I* can say it right?" or "You know I don't mean it, so it's ok for me to say it, right?" Uh, no, wrong. If you DIDN'T mean it you wouldn't WANT to say it

By all means link away :)

[yuuago]

Dude, I think I love you. Seriously. [In other words, excellent post]

I moved to another location recently, and this means having to come out ALL OVER AGAIN. Argh, it sucks so bad!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thankeee )

Ugh, at least you have built your own little safety zone where you live, having to do it again? Sooo much stress

[mrmeval.livejournal.com]

Not to the point of loudly avowing my love of cock at the Westboro Baptist Church Gun and Flamethrower Display, certainly, but in situations where I avoid “social...

You promise to do that I promise an army and body armor. :-D

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

...Asbestos body armour?

And do I get to decide what the army gets to wear?

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

If it's hawt guys in leather, I'll chip in for funding.

[mrmeval.livejournal.com]

"A man isn't a man without a great uniform" --One of Keith Laumer's characters paraphrased.

As to uniforms it should be appropriate for the weather. It should not scare the horses. It should not encourage the horses either. ;)

[gwailowrite.livejournal.com]

This is probably the most brilliant post I have ever read on this subject. I have nothing to say except Bravo!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thankee

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

I'm happy for you that you don't feel the need to hide a part of yourself, but I'm sorry you have to put up with that shit because of it.

It’s amazing how deep the instinct to hide, to lie, to deflect is ingrained. Even simple things like someone saying "Is your wife a lawyer?" and responding with "No, my husband/partner is a computer technician" takes an effort of conscious will to bite down on the automatic gender neutral or even female response.

Please do keep in mind that some reactions aren't meant. Just as it was your instinct to hide, much of what you hear may be a knee jerk reaction from people when they find out something that surprises them. They just didn't have the "conscious will to bite down on the automatic... response".

Try not to judge people too harshly. I know things aren't perfect yet, but many more people are trying to make things better, even those who don't react ideally at first.

And I'm not trying to defend any assholes, I just know several people right now who are working on changing their feelings about homosexuals, and I just wanted to point out that many people are trying.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Give and take, sadly. But it is getting better - hells, as little as 10 years ago few could do this without a very real expectation of a lot of violence

I can imagine a shock or surprise reaction (so long as it isn't TOO over the top or extreme) I can live with that and expect it. I don't hold that against them - but it's the shock reaction that generally stopped me answering like that because it adds to the daily stress load, y'know?

Aye people are trying and we should move forwards with them -but it's not easy

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

I know, and I thank you for doing this. Every bit anyone can do helps.

[gnarlycranium.livejournal.com]

An uncle of mine went to his grave without telling our family. Some had figured it out on their own-- but by then he was so defensive that he refused to ever discuss it. That's one hell of a wound to carry around.

I loves me mah San Francisco. Most of the time people don't think twice about speaking openly, which is interesting cause often my brain doesn't even bother taking notice till afterwards, if at all. There are a few customers of mine where I'm not sure what pronoun to use, but it sure seems like an awfully personal and awkward thing to ask, so I don't and just carry on. They never seem uncomfortable or hesitant. With some customers though, every so often I detect the hesitation, that subtle but painful moment it takes to choose the pronoun or title, and it always sortof makes something in my stomach wince.

[gnarlycranium.livejournal.com]

Which is to say, awesome, keep it up. The more of that goes on the less it becomes an issue.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you and aye - we keep up the good fight and we ARE winning

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

That depresses me. Because you know this poor man felt the need to hide and rpress himself for so many painful years. That is classicly what the horror of the closet is.

Oases like that are amazing - and kind of depressing that they are NOTICEABLE as Oases. But in that hesitant moment you know there's someone who is second guessing, worrying and above all thinking "is it safe?" And that is well worth a wince

But it gets better. One day we'll get there

[thisdaydreamer.livejournal.com]

That's a lot of wincing. Good for you for taking it all head-on!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's a barrage of it - and it's amazing just how much and how hard it is.

Thank you, it's a battle well worth fighting

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

Dude. You rock. :) (But I think you know I think that by now. ;)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

But we cna never have too much rockin!

[helbling.livejournal.com]

Wonderful post - may I link?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you and of course :) feel free

[meridae.livejournal.com]

OMG SPARKY! You like *COCK*???? ::aghast:: I mean I knew you were *gay* but liking COCK???



. . . . Way to go, man, way to go!

::evil grin::

::this really random, pointless comment bought to you by the extended server shut down on WoW::

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

SHOCK SHOCK! FEAR MAH REVELATION!

Thankeee


Server shut down? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[meridae.livejournal.com]

OH NOES! I've just realised - I like cock too! I MUST BE TEH GAY!!! ::evil grins::

And yus, server shut down - 12 whole hours! But - new!patch!! New profession . . . new talents (they give us all our talent points back and we can respec for free! I'm not sure if I like this or not, because I have no idea whether to keep the my alts as close to what they were as possible, or change them . . . )also, haircuts! And no more mounts/pets taking up space in our bags. ALthough, what I need is a 'wardrobe' slot to put all my rping gear in so that doesn't take up space!! All sorts of fun things! YAY!!

But in the meantime - BORED!!!

[amynnah.livejournal.com]

Did I mention I love you, and think you're a beautiful person?

Well... I do. This made me tear up a bit, and wish you every happiness. ::hugs::

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) 'tis high praise indeed. *hugs*

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

My husband and I had a conversation about "being gay in public" the other week. We live near Louisville, KY, USA, and there is one street called Bardstown Road that is pretty open and alternative (ie, independent video rentals, coffee shops, independent bookstores, music stores, etc.). This street is one of the few places that we can see same sex couples holding hands or giving each other a kiss in public. It made us realise just how much work still needs to be done and how often society still tries to "put them back in the closet", to use your phrase.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Even now public displays of affection are hard for me - and Beloved isn't mad keen becuase, ultimately, we're afraid. And that's very very sad when you think about it.

The fact we HAVE noticeable safe zones, territory we can retreat to - even green zones as it were - is an indictment really. We have to withdraw to our reserved safe zones to really be. It really highlights it

Aye, there's a long way to go - people don't realise how much more there is to do. I want and am fighting for tolerance, but I am also campaigning for acceptance which we deserve ad citizens of this society

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

*inarticulate failure to respond*

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

It’s amazing how deep the instinct to hide, to lie, to deflect is ingrained. Even simple things like someone saying “Is your wife a lawyer?” and responding with “No, my husband/partner is a computer technician”

Random question: Has your country legalized the full-on Marriage Thing yet? I can't keep track.

Other than that, go you! I think it's awesome that you do this, and it gives me hope.

[solid-squid.livejournal.com]

The UK government's said that civil unions (ie, married by the state) is perfectly acceptable for two people of the same gender, and there's been little outcry about it. In fact, it went through so quietly I didn't know it had happened until Sparky had posted a while back mentioning it.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

We can "civil union" which as Solid_squid says is marriage without the religious bit. Really the rights are functionally identical, so i call it marriage and screw the religious types who get all uppity about it.

It passed without any real opposition, all 3 parties were in on it (the only delay was caused by the Tories trying to sneak MORE relationships under the marriage banner so more people could claim tax exemptions).

[semiotic-pirate.livejournal.com]

*hugs* you rock, as always.

I'm one of the ones who posted about the possible vaccine... I didn't say anything untoward, did I? I posted it as a general interest info post - a friend of CoB's died of an infection he picked up at the hospital while being treated for a fall down the stairs whence he found out he was HIV positive on top of it all... It made me sadly think of him.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Of course not :) You posted a general point of interest :) You didn't yell "all gay people lookit here!" which is what I'm complaining about. I mean it is GENERICALLY interesting to ALL people that one of the major plagues of our time may be cureable

Now if you'd singled out a gay community to post it in or decided to address it specifically to gayt people it would have been different - but a generic post isn't problematic at all :)

[allthepettylies.livejournal.com]

I lost my best friend for 5 years after I came out as being pansexual. You know, its always the ones who proudly proclaim, "EVEN THOUGH I'M CHRISTIAN I'M TOTALLY OK WITH GAYS!!" who, when confronted with someone close (like a friend, family member or loved on) coming out, the homophobia kicks in. The "it's just a phase" or "you're kidding right?" or the best, "please don't say that around my friends."

Thankfully, she's now a really good friend again, as she's realized that being intolerant is stupid.

I'm glad that the staying-out-of-the-closet thing is working for you. I am ashamed to admit this, but around my parents (as I have to live with them, due to lack of monies) I pretend I'm totally straight.

I feel dirty in the end.

Anyhoo...

*hugs* Congrats dear! <3

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

The very first person i came out to was my best friend. We were 14, we had been friends since we were babes in arm. Well, suffice it to say we haven't spoken since that day. I had no idea he was a homophobe - but as the Plaid Adder said, what can seem fine and dandy for strangers can be an utter shock when it encroaches into your own inner sanctum

Of course, the reverse can be true. I have known homophobes completely change their spots when close friends or relatives came out as gay - the whole "I hate gays" clashes badly with "this is my brother/sister/best friend me and them against the world!" feeling.

Oh and I just LOVE the "I'm fine with it - just don't tell anyone" line. Yeah, you're fine with it so long as no-one realises what a big shameful failure I am to you? Great.

It's wearing an ennervating to do it - but sometimes for peace, quiet and the needs to live it's forced on us. I hope you find a space where you can be you and be free.


Thankkee

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

You are my constant inspiration, and you constantly make me wish I could clone you and have a little pocket Sparky all of my own :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you

If they could clone me there would be an army of Sparkies and we would rule the world!!!!

Hey, like we could do worse than the current crop of loonies?