Being sucked into the trenches against my better judgment

I have been trying to keep my head down, as I said, to try to avoid the host of triggeriness. My own experiences with youth bullying, harassment and suicide risk/attempts make it damn hard for me to come near this topic without hurting for it. Some of them I’ve related here – and doing so was damn hard. Most of them I have not. Most of them I will not or, probably more accurately, cannot.

Alas, short of completely ignoring my RSS and the internet in general for a week or so, there’s also no way I can avoid it. My RSS is already heavily sub-divided into sites that I consider safe spaces and sites that are prone to spork me or outright trigger me – but even the safest of safe spaces have triggered me to hell and back.
So it hasn’t been a great few days, not even close. It certainly didn’t make the bday more fun. I’m edgy and poked and sporked and being ambushed by nasty!bad!wrong! memories I have spent no small amount of time and effort pushing back into the “leave the fuck alone” recesses of my mind in a very non-=healthy but functional manner.

And now here I am again. And rational brain is yelling at me to stop. Don’t do this. Don’t climb back into this, close my eyes, hum a tune, wait until it goes away. Become a hermit, stop reading the RSS, ignore what I’ve read – do not go there. Write some fluff, rant about the computer virus, angst about the bday and getting older. Something, anything but don’t jump into this pit there are spikes at the bottom. BIG SHARP spikes with like, barbs and shit on them.

But common sense brain that probably knows me better than rational brain (and knows I don’t listen to rational brain as much as I should) and knows that if I have a Thought it will worry around in my brain over and over, replaying itself and all its lovely triggers until I get it the hell out of my head – hells, that’s part of the reason I do LJ, to get stuff out of my head and on the page, as it were.

There should really be a word for “doing shit you know you’ll regret doing and you know it’s going to hurt and leave you a bit of a mess but you’re going to do it anyway”. It’d be really useful when voting. And for describing what I am doing here. So if I post today and again disappear into the ether it’s because I’ve gone to bad places again.

One topic I am seeing come up time and again – and so far I’ve seen this said predominantly by, if not exclusively by straight people – in reference to the current attention of the anti-GBLTQ bullying leading to suicide issue is complaining about all this focus on LGBTQ people and we should be talking about bullying in general – and chiding and tutting at GBLTQ people for focusing on our community.

Ok. Is bullying and youth suicide a major and universal problem? Yes.

But here’;s the thing – there are a lot of major and universal problems that either hit marginalised groups harder and/or have specific issues related to them for those marginalised groups that aren’t applicable to all/most people who don’t share that marginalisation.

This is true of a plethora of issues. When we talk about poverty, healthcare, immigration, education, unemployment, working hours, housing – hells just about ANYTHING – there are going to be specific issues within that or related to that that raise problems that are unique or different for a marginalised group – be that race, gender, religion, disabled, non-neuro-typical, or any other marginalisation. There are issues

And with LGBTQ people there are certainly issues with bullying and youth suicide that are either specific to or more common to our marginalisation than there is in the mainstream. Just as other marginalised groups will have their own specific issues within this and other topics.

There are states, counties, councils, LEAs and schools that have laws/rules/policies that make it impossible for teachers or other youth workers to combat anti-GBLTQ bullying or even mention being GBLTQ in a way that even remotely promotes a positive view. Even if inclined to help, these people are banned from helping.

Trying to change these rules always brings a wave of protest form the usual suspects. Trying to raise awareness brings a similar wave of fist shaking and rage-throthing and Helen Lovejoy-esque “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The stereotype of us being child predators makes it incredibly hard for us to reach out to or support our youth.

The fact that our young rarely share the same marginalisation as their parents limits what limited support net or understanding they can have access to. Parents are, in fact, sometimes part of the problem

Many people have called for more counsellors in schools – and I approve. But the LGBTQ community also has had a lot of problem with messed up mental-health professionals. Even now, mainstream news channels will interview Ex-gay “therapists” as experts, not as fringe extremists.

The closet puts its own added pressure on preventing a bullied LGBTQ kid from being able to seek help or accept help when offered – or to go to places or find information that could help them.

These are just some of the many issues relating to bullying and suicide for GBLTQ youth. They’re not all exclusive to our communities, certainly not, nor are they the only issues or perhaps even the largest issues – but the point is there are issues in relation to

Now, if you’re saying “we should expand the conversation, I’m going to talk about bullying in general” and someone else says “I’m going to talk about how bullying affects other marginalised groups” and more call for more awareness and more reporting and more attention to these as well, then more power to you! Write and speak and shout and add to it and call for more attention – we need it and then some.

But if you’re saying “all this focus on GBLTQs is wrong, they SHOULD be talking about this” or scolding GBLTQ people for not looking at the “bigger picture” or insisting that homophobia, transphobia or GBLTQness isn’t the issue, or trying to deny or silence or push down all the GBLTQ people who are telling their stories and drawing attention to these issues and this major problem – then I’m far less than impressed.

This issue has been ignored for so long. Stats from the UK, from Canada, from the US (and these are just the ones I’ve seen) show the vast majority – VAST majority, we’re talking 70-90% of GBLTQ youth – are harassed because they are GBLTQ when they are young. Our suicide rate is over 4 times the suicide rate of straight, cis youth. The much reported loss of 5 young people in one month is actually under-reporting – others doing some cursory research up that number to 9. 9 that are known about

It isn’t a new issue, it’s just a long ignored issue. And seeing lots of people saying “you shouldn’t be talking about that!” well, it impresses me not.

Now I’m going to get a big drink and I don’t give a damn how early in the day it is. I may spend the next few days plugged into Civ 5

Computer Virus, Microsoft Works and being too damn stubborn

Why yes it’s fluff. Why? Because I is listening to Rational brain (*gasp*) that is right in hoping that this will dislodge badness. BTW, if I’m not responding to things you think I should be responding to or normally would respond to, it’s because I’m still tip-toeing around my RSS and Flist.

Now, I got a virus on my computer, sadly. *Grumble grumble* Clearly it’s down to sheer bad luck and in no way down to any bad habits on my part. I certainly never turned the firewall off at all. No, not at all.

Computer things were not working that I needed. In particular my word processor was all bad. So I set some checkers going to fix virus.

Virus seemed to spread. More things did not work. Programmes would not start.

So I did some more stuff. Firefox stopped working. Hmmmm. Getting worse

More programmes stopped working. Internet Explorer died.

Hmmm, tried again. Suddenly Windows wouldn’t load.

It’s probably fortunate at this point that Beloved wandered by with a “what what WHAT what are you doing?!” I believe if I’d been left to my own devices eventually my computer would have collapsed into a small black hole and eventually consumed the entire world.

Now one of the side effects is several of my things need reinstalling to make them work again (bits of them have been deleted? No idea why). And one of them is…. microsoft works.

Yes, Works.

I know I know I’m like the last person on the planet who uses this. I even laboriously change all the files I bring home from work over to Works so I can work on them (and yes I do get a medal for using Work so much in that sentence) – admittedly this is an older version of Works and I’m told newer versions are less cliquish about their compatibility.

Why do I do this?
Well, way back in the days of yore when I increasingly needed to use a word processor, I was not the most computer literate of people. And I didn’t like Word. I wanted the computer equivalent of a pen and paper. I didn’t want squiggly lines under my words and auto-complete and annoying little paperclips ambushing me. Also, works was free with my then comp, which, yes, was a major thing.

I needed a way out, I needed a way to be able to use my useless, clunky outdated Works without revealing my complete ineptitude! So I smugly declared that I didn’t need all the props. I mocked those who needed such advance technology to write a letter! Behold me stood on my highground with my Works, rolling my young eyes at those who relied on their silly Word

Except, of course, I learned more… and became increasingly frustrated with Works and much greater fan of Word. But what could I do? If I changed now I would be Admitting I Was Wrong! And then the WORLD WOULD END people, the world would surely end. Even worse, at this point since Beloved has long since joined the forces mocking my Works use, it would involve admitting Beloved was RIGHT. And that’s a bad bad habit to get into, yes yes it is.

So I was stuck not only using a word processor I hated, but DEFENDING it with arguments I didn’t even believe! Oh, woe, woe is me.
So, the point of this ramble? My microsoft works has been corrupted and needs reinstalling! And I can’t find the installation discs (no no, I can’t. Hush you, yes I did look. Really.) but we do have Office discs just here! (Well, here after I looked for them for 3 hours. Oh and I found some other discs that were clearly irrelevant and needed throwing away. Can’t quite remember what they were). So now all I have to do is use the Abacus Laptop to change my files from Works to Word and I can make the change over

It is not me choosing Word, it’s me being forced by unfortunate necessity, right?

So this means I can totally change without in any way shape or form admitting I was wrong? Right?

Why yes it’s fluff. Why? Because I is listening to Rational brain (*gasp*) that is right in hoping that this will dislodge badness. BTW, if I’m not responding to things you think I should be responding to or normally would respond to, it’s because I’m still tip-toeing around my RSS and Flist.

Now, I got a virus on my computer, sadly. *Grumble grumble* Clearly it’s down to sheer bad luck and in no way down to any bad habits on my part. I certainly never turned the firewall off at all. No, not at all.

Computer things were not working that I needed. In particular my word processor was all bad. So I set some checkers going to fix virus.

Virus seemed to spread. More things did not work. Programmes would not start.

So I did some more stuff. Firefox stopped working. Hmmmm. Getting worse

More programmes stopped working. Internet Explorer died.

Hmmm, tried again. Suddenly Windows wouldn’t load.

It’s probably fortunate at this point that Beloved wandered by with a “what what WHAT what are you doing?!” I believe if I’d been left to my own devices eventually my computer would have collapsed into a small black hole and eventually consumed the entire world.

Now one of the side effects is several of my things need reinstalling to make them work again (bits of them have been deleted? No idea why). And one of them is…. microsoft works.

Yes, Works.

I know I know I’m like the last person on the planet who uses this. I even laboriously change all the files I bring home from work over to Works so I can work on them (and yes I do get a medal for using Work so much in that sentence) – admittedly this is an older version of Works and I’m told newer versions are less cliquish about their compatibility.

Why do I do this?
Well, way back in the days of yore when I increasingly needed to use a word processor, I was not the most computer literate of people. And I didn’t like Word. I wanted the computer equivalent of a pen and paper. I didn’t want squiggly lines under my words and auto-complete and annoying little paperclips ambushing me. Also, works was free with my then comp, which, yes, was a major thing.

I needed a way out, I needed a way to be able to use my useless, clunky outdated Works without revealing my complete ineptitude! So I smugly declared that I didn’t need all the props. I mocked those who needed such advance technology to write a letter! Behold me stood on my highground with my Works, rolling my young eyes at those who relied on their silly Word

Except, of course, I learned more… and became increasingly frustrated with Works and much greater fan of Word. But what could I do? If I changed now I would be Admitting I Was Wrong! And then the WORLD WOULD END people, the world would surely end. Even worse, at this point since Beloved has long since joined the forces mocking my Works use, it would involve admitting Beloved was RIGHT. And that’s a bad bad habit to get into, yes yes it is.

So I was stuck not only using a word processor I hated, but DEFENDING it with arguments I didn’t even believe! Oh, woe, woe is me.
So, the point of this ramble? My microsoft works has been corrupted and needs reinstalling! And I can’t find the installation discs (no no, I can’t. Hush you, yes I did look. Really.) but we do have Office discs just here! (Well, here after I looked for them for 3 hours. Oh and I found some other discs that were clearly irrelevant and needed throwing away. Can’t quite remember what they were). So now all I have to do is use the Abacus Laptop to change my files from Works to Word and I can make the change over

It is not me choosing Word, it’s me being forced by unfortunate necessity, right?

So this means I can totally change without in any way shape or form admitting I was wrong? Right?

Hmmm… now how to stop beloved buying Works as a late birthday present? *hides his credit card*

Birthday angst :)

As some of you know, it was my birthday on Tuesday. Thank you very much for the well wishing.

Now as some may know from reading previous years – I am bad at bdays. In fact, I have ISSUES with aging. Full subscriptions

NOT, I have to say, fear of getting old and dying.

Nor, for that matter, is it a vanity thing. Though it can seem that way with my fear of grey hairs, but I fear them more because they’re a sign of aging rather than aging making me less conventionally attractive.

No, it’s because with every year I age physically – but don’t feel like I age mentally. My mind is still stuck somewhere around… 17? I think it’s because I kind of feel in many ways I lost my teenage years or wasted them or didn’t have them or something and I did a lot of growing in my twenties repairing (with, it has to be said, the incredible help of Beloved. He fixed me) the wreck that was me.

So I always feel I’m mentally behind where I should be. Not mature enough, not developed enough, not where I should be in life, in attitudes. And every year I get older it becomes starker, I get more of the “ZOMG I’M NEARLY 30!” and I don’t even remotely feel close to that.
I fail at being an adult, mentally I don’t feel an adult – and with every year when I’m expected to be more adulty. This causes for lots of hair-on-fire running around with panic and screams.

So, I generally downplay my Bday a lot. I literally forget it every year, I have to be reminded like a day before – so I can angst properly.

And Beloved has zero patience with that . He thinks I am silly, points out that I am often the parent in our relationship and why do we have to be more adult than we want to be?

And he’s right of course. But IssueBrain does not care about what is right. Because it is silly.

So Beloved counters by having a huge party. Which we haven’t had yet. We did go out on the weekend which rocked muchly (though there was a gang of 6 arseholes yelling homophobic crap and threw things but we went the other way and still went out and had much booze and it rocked and our friend Jock came down for a week and he was there and partying and much discussion as to whether a Scotsman could drink Yorkshiremen under the table.

(Aside: his choice of nickname because his family owns a business selling tourist crap to naïve tourists by playing to every stereotype a Scotsman possibly can. If he could toss cabers, play the bagpipes and eat haggis at the same time while wearing a kilt, tartan shirt and a big orange beard, he certainly would. He especially likes selling very expensive kilts with “family tartan” to gullible tourists – “och aye, the clan Zerkowski were lairds of that castle until Clan Schwatzkopf allied with Clan Rowenstein, good ol’ Scottish clan names there. Here’s your family tartan kilt, that’ll be £200.)

So, was a good night – but this weekend I am apparently being forced out the door to socialise. AGAIN! Me? The hermitman is going to have to GO OUT with PEOPLE to like PEOPLE PLACES. Twice in a fortnight!!!!

At least there will be booze. Hmmmm booooooooooze