sparkindarkness | Birthday angst :) (Reply)

As some of you know, it was my birthday on Tuesday. Thank you very much for the well wishing.

Now as some may know from reading previous years – I am bad at bdays. In fact, I have ISSUES with aging. Full subscriptions

NOT, I have to say, fear of getting old and dying.

Nor, for that matter, is it a vanity thing. Though it can seem that way with my fear of grey hairs, but I fear them more because they’re a sign of aging rather than aging making me less conventionally attractive.

No, it’s because with every year I age physically – but don’t feel like I age mentally. My mind is still stuck somewhere around… 17? I think it’s because I kind of feel in many ways I lost my teenage years or wasted them or didn’t have them or something and I did a lot of growing in my twenties repairing (with, it has to be said, the incredible help of Beloved. He fixed me) the wreck that was me.

So I always feel I’m mentally behind where I should be. Not mature enough, not developed enough, not where I should be in life, in attitudes. And every year I get older it becomes starker, I get more of the “ZOMG I’M NEARLY 30!” and I don’t even remotely feel close to that.
I fail at being an adult, mentally I don’t feel an adult – and with every year when I’m expected to be more adulty. This causes for lots of hair-on-fire running around with panic and screams.

So, I generally downplay my Bday a lot. I literally forget it every year, I have to be reminded like a day before – so I can angst properly.

And Beloved has zero patience with that . He thinks I am silly, points out that I am often the parent in our relationship and why do we have to be more adult than we want to be?

And he’s right of course. But IssueBrain does not care about what is right. Because it is silly.

So Beloved counters by having a huge party. Which we haven’t had yet. We did go out on the weekend which rocked muchly (though there was a gang of 6 arseholes yelling homophobic crap and threw things but we went the other way and still went out and had much booze and it rocked and our friend Jock came down for a week and he was there and partying and much discussion as to whether a Scotsman could drink Yorkshiremen under the table.

(Aside: his choice of nickname because his family owns a business selling tourist crap to naïve tourists by playing to every stereotype a Scotsman possibly can. If he could toss cabers, play the bagpipes and eat haggis at the same time while wearing a kilt, tartan shirt and a big orange beard, he certainly would. He especially likes selling very expensive kilts with “family tartan” to gullible tourists – “och aye, the clan Zerkowski were lairds of that castle until Clan Schwatzkopf allied with Clan Rowenstein, good ol’ Scottish clan names there. Here’s your family tartan kilt, that’ll be £200.)

So, was a good night – but this weekend I am apparently being forced out the door to socialise. AGAIN! Me? The hermitman is going to have to GO OUT with PEOPLE to like PEOPLE PLACES. Twice in a fortnight!!!!

At least there will be booze. Hmmmm booooooooooze