Tasty Delusion Salad

Having spent all last night drinking an being informed that I have to go out and do the social thing tonight (my first instinct was to make excuses which, as Beloved says, is probably not a good sign if you’re making excuses before you even remember what the event is and why you’re going out. Bad hermit urges most play with the nice human people in human places.) I am feel vaguely over-indulged. Too much rich food and booze.

But there is a cure – the patented Sparky Delusion Salad! Perfect for when you need to sweep away that nagging feeling oif eating unhealthily with the wonderful power of sweet sweet self-deception

Take the basics of a very basic salad – iceberg lettuce, cucumber, maybe some peppers, tomatoes and grated carrot – don’t get too fancy, that would be a waste. Lightly toss in a light vinaigrette – olive oil, egg, tarragon. Smile down in saintly goodness at the healthy, virtuous salad in its boring glory. Soothe taste buds that are probably crying at this moment contemplating said tedium in a bowl.

Now, the important part. Arrange a little of the salad (only a little) on the edge of a plate (leave plenty of room).

Fill REST of plate with 4 kinds of pickles, coleslaw, mayonnaise, potato salad, prawn salad, seafood salad, piles of cold beef and pork, hard boiled eggs, tuna, smoke salmon, chunks of cheese, more pickles and, if you’re feeling especially delusional, quiche, pork pie and sausage rolls (call it a ploughmans. It then becomes TRADITIONAL and TOTALLY justified).

If any salad leafs are visible cover in mayonnaise. Keep mayonnaise handy in case more greenery is exposed, drown in mayonnaise, grated cheese and pickles until the vitamins give up and go home.

Put remaining salad in fridge, pretend to use it as sides for meals or in sandwiches. Throw away when it starts to rot.

Since you’ve had such a healthy meal, chocolate cake is totally justified for dessert.

Having spent all last night drinking an being informed that I have to go out and do the social thing tonight (my first instinct was to make excuses which, as Beloved says, is probably not a good sign if you’re making excuses before you even remember what the event is and why you’re going out. Bad hermit urges most play with the nice human people in human places.) I am feel vaguely over-indulged. Too much rich food and booze.

But there is a cure – the patented Sparky Delusion Salad! Perfect for when you need to sweep away that nagging feeling oif eating unhealthily with the wonderful power of sweet sweet self-deception

Take the basics of a very basic salad – iceberg lettuce, cucumber, maybe some peppers, tomatoes and grated carrot – don’t get too fancy, that would be a waste. Lightly toss in a light vinaigrette – olive oil, egg, tarragon. Smile down in saintly goodness at the healthy, virtuous salad in its boring glory. Soothe taste buds that are probably crying at this moment contemplating said tedium in a bowl.

Now, the important part. Arrange a little of the salad (only a little) on the edge of a plate (leave plenty of room).

Fill REST of plate with 4 kinds of pickles, coleslaw, mayonnaise, potato salad, prawn salad, seafood salad, piles of cold beef and pork, hard boiled eggs, tuna, smoke salmon, chunks of cheese, more pickles and, if you’re feeling especially delusional, quiche, pork pie and sausage rolls (call it a ploughmans. It then becomes TRADITIONAL and TOTALLY justified).

If any salad leafs are visible cover in mayonnaise. Keep mayonnaise handy in case more greenery is exposed, drown in mayonnaise, grated cheese and pickles until the vitamins give up and go home.

Put remaining salad in fridge, pretend to use it as sides for meals or in sandwiches. Throw away when it starts to rot.

Since you’ve had such a healthy meal, chocolate cake is totally justified for dessert.