This? This is going to be a long long case

I have a new client, D. And he’s a fool (REALLY, say it isn’t so! Never has this happened before!) Sadly he’s not even a very wealthy fool and legal aid really does limit how much money I can extract in stupidity tax.

Sadly the first interview has not been productive, since it involved an extremely long and tedious explanation of some basics of the law – primarily that I am actually HIS lawyer. Therefore, repeatedly telling me “You can‘t prove nothing“ is not only a gross abuse of the English language that made me cringe every time he said it, but is also completely detached from reality. As your legal representative, I am not trying to prove anything you do not wish me to prove. Sadly, judging by this interview, I think you’re right – I truly won’t be able to prove anything at all.

Of course, perhaps this isn’t actually the main problem we have here. After all, you’re worried about some nebulous “they” trying to “drop you in it” who are also “out to get you” and, apparently, you’re not going to take the blame for them. I need to send out a bulletin to my clients, if they’re going to have paranoid rants could they at least try to be original? Still this case does get some points – the rant may be cliched but it’s they are normally confined to criminal cases. Mr. D, you are actually in my office because your wife has started divorce proceedings. I doubt very much you will go to prison for divorce. And so far “being bloody stupid” is not yet a crime. Alas. I am not quite sure what “it” they are dropping you in, but I’d take a wild guess and say it’s probably not relevant.

That being said, you appear to be keeping secrets from me. Keeping secrets from your lawyer is an activity only slightly more wise than juggling chain saws while drunk. If “they” and “it” come back to bite us on the arse at a later date I will not be amused. Doubly so since legal aid won’t let me charge you for it.

I would also thank you to stop asking “can I trust you?” It’s a ridiculous question. No-one in the history of mankind has ever answered that question with “no.” I’m also your lawyer (yes, insert joke here) if you can’t trust me then you might as well give up now because I’m the only thing between you and your wife’s lawyer tearing strips off you. Still, if you don’t trust me feel free to leave – but let me know when your court dates and negotiations are – I’d love to come and watch.

And no, I’m not in the pay of your ex-wife because a) you don’t have an ex-wife. We’re working on that, remember? and b) your wife does not have anything close to the financial means to make me risk my entire damn career on such a flagrant breach of ethics. Though the longer I deal with you the more my sympathies are turning to the poor woman.

And can all clients PLEASE stop asking me “do you believe me?” It’s redundant. I’m your lawyer, I have to believe all your lies. Besides which, it’s not me you have to convince.

Ah another day in the office. I need more coffee.