President of the UN General Assembly - I am a Human Being.

Despite being a homosexual, I am a Human Being.

I feel the need to say this because the President of UN General Assembly, Ali Abdussalam Treki, says I am “not acceptable.” Homosexuality is not acceptable. Not acceptable to him, not acceptable to many nations, not acceptable to his faith, not a part of democracy and rights. He said this in response to a desperate resolution to decriminalise homosexuality world wide.

Not gay marriage. Not gay adoptions. Let me be clear here - this is a resolution to stop gay people being arrested (and tortured and executed) for having the temerity to EXIST.

The UN Charter guarantees protection of human rights (yes, I know, it is rather comedic) so, as a human being I would like to think that the august persons that have authority in the UN would respect my basic right to exist - yet this man believes it is right that some of us should be criminally persecuted for what we are?

He needs to check his dictionary on the meaning of “acceptable” - people being who they are, in love, without harm or hurt to anyone. That’s acceptable. Gods, it’s beautiful. Persecution and prejudice for no damn good reason than small minded bigotry? THAT’S unacceptable.


And in related news, and to my endless amusement, Michael Schwartz, chief of staff for Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn tells us that pornography makes you gay. All porno - gay, straight, whatever. Porno turns you gay. Because it “turns your sexual drive inward” (which I think is a euphemism for masturbation. So masturbation also makes you gay. I dunno, Michael, there’s an awful lot of straight wankers out there). Someone had better contact the hetero porn industry, because they’re going to put themselves out of business, y’know.

When will my firm implement a crazy surcharge? WHEN?

We’ve had an extra special client these past 2 weeks. Yes, weeks. Not days, weeks. This is what happens when Mad Secretary is on holiday, the freaky clients make repeat visits!



So, dear client D, let me make this abundantly clear since you are NOT GETTING IT.

I am a lawyer. Yes, I am a criminal lawyer. A criminal DEFENCE lawyer, but don’t let that dissuade you

I don’t arrest people. I defend people who have been arrested (though, when you are inevitably arrested for wasting police time, please don’t come to me). I’d love to have the power to lock people up on my whims but, like many of the edicts of my upcoming Sparkyocracy, most people disapprove.

If the children and youths gathering in “vicinity” of your house do something illegal and naughty you should call the police. Not me. Really.

If you want to sue them, apply for boring injunctions against them etc you should speak to a nice civil lawyer, not me.

But, to save us all a lot of time and hassle I would STRONGLY advise you consult either a medical professional or an off-licence first because, above all, for ANYONE to arrest these kids it would actually be necessary for him to have committed a crime. No. Really. Shocking isn’t it?

Yes they’re congregating in the area - because you live opposite a park. They are visiting the park. That is what the park is FOR. You can’t point to harassment or vandalism or damage or even excessive noise. Gods man, you don’t even complain about littering.

I would like to further add that this was all told to you when you disturbed the peace and relative sanity of my office last week. Why do you think this would have changed this week? Yes they’re still congregating. Because it’s a park. Still. Is this going to be a weekly visit? I could save you some time and send you a weekly letter (billed of course) saying “Yes it’s still a park. No, visiting a park isn’t a crime yet. Please continue lobbying your MP.”

And yes, I am billing you even though I, in your words, “didn’t do anything.” I did. I advised you. I’m a lawyer, this is what I do. Yes I am billing you for both appointments even though I just repeated myself. The fact you didn’t listen the first time is your fault, not mine. If you come back again I will bill you again. I’m quite looking forward to it in fact.

But I’m looking forward to Mad Secretary’s return more.