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And start hacking
Work has thrown me a curve ball and, much to my own rather unpleasant surprise, managed to hurt me and undermine me quite considerably. I’m rather severely pissed (and hurt) and it’s going to cause me to view some people I respect considerably rather differently. This is not a good thing.
It began with a crazy client. No surprises there. On my desk I have a picture of Beloved and I - we’re sat on a sofa, he has his arm around my shoulders. That’s it - it’s not like we’re nekked or even kissing or anything. It’s been on my desk for several months ever since I decided to stop hiding as much as I am able - and besides, everyone else has personal photos on my desk (one colleague even has their wedding photo with the “You may now kiss the bride” moment captured quite beautifully) my desk was notable by its lack of any pictures of family or at least a pet.
Client asked about picture. I informed client about picture. Interview continued along almost uniquely sane lines. Interview is over. I work on the Paperwork Backlog when Senior Partner asks to speak with me.
It seems that Client has come to him and complained about... well specifics are vague but generally it seems she is Not Happy about her lawyer being gay and vaguely thinks that she should have been told and/or I should have hidden it better (I’m rather vaguely amused and exasperated that these two statements are blatantly contradictory) and either way she is Shocked and Appalled. He assures me the matter is dealt with, he has apologised to client and asks me to keep my photo in a drawer when meeting clients.
There then follows a disconnect. Because this is Senior Partner man. Senior Partner is older than dirt, wiser than Soloman and more powerful than God. Senior Partner man has the voice of a Shakespearean actor, the demeanour of an emperor and the authority of a cult leader. It’s an assumption that you just agree with him, because he is right. He is always right, it is Known.
So I nod and smile and go back to my office and repeat what has happened to Mad Secretary and Colleague who is Stealing our Coffee. Upon hearing myself repeat it it clicks and I have a Moment and promptly subject them to 40 minutes of enraged and marginally incoherent ranting.
He apologised for me. He apologised. What. The. Fuck. He apologised for what?! For me being gay? For having a gay associate? For me not being in the closet? For inflicting gayness on her?! You apologise when you’ve done something wrong and/or when you’ve done something you are/should be ashamed of. I am not wrong, I am not a mistake or a bad decision by the firm. I will NOT accept the firm or the Partners being ashamed of me! I’m a damned good lawyer, I work any hours any time they ask, I pull epic all nighters to reach ridiculous deadlines, I’m on call at a moment’s notice for those lovely police interviews. I tolerate all kinds of crap from clients. My cases are exemplary. I even stuck with the firm and performed small miracles when one of the Partners decided to shag his secretary rather than do any work - how DARE he be ashamed of me?! How dare he apologise for me?! How dare he imply that I am doing something wrong or the firm is doing something wrong by having a homosexual practice law?!
And put my photo away? It’s not risquee! Hells it’s not even that affectionate - it’s a pose that could have just as easily been 2 brothers! He wants me to hide? He wants me to act like I’m ashamed? He wants me to bloody CLOSET myself?! Because some bigot freaked out? If a bigot had a hissy over my white colleague’s marriage to a black woman would he ask him to put his photographs away? I dearly hope not. He wants me to pretend I am not gay... I just cannot express the depth of that - in a culture where we spend our lives hiding, fighting not to hide and desperately afraid when we don’t hide - to tell me to hide is a gross violation.
I am outraged at being treated like this. And, worse, I am unhappy with what this has done to my work environment - I thought this was a safe place, a place where my homosexuality wasn’t a problem, wasn’t something to worry about. I thought it was a place where I could be me - that’s why I took the photograph out in the first place! Because I felt safe. Because I felt secure. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.
And worst of all, it’s severely damaged the respect I have for a man I had a great deal of respect for. I respected him, was truly impressed by him, admired him and in many ways wished to emulate him - but it seems that respect only went one way. And yes, maybe it is a mistake, maybe he doesn’t get it, people can have odd blind spots... but he should have. And I can’t help feel if he had had the vaguest respect for me he would have. He’s broken something important in our working relationship and I’m not sure if it can ever be the same. It’s not like I’ll have to quit or anything (in this economy!) but I’ll just have to do what so many homosexuals have to do - and what I’ve done in the past. Part of the closet will have to come to work with me...
I also resent what shit like this does to my mood. I wanted to write, I wanted to re-write. I wanted to hit the kitchen and planning some daring disaster. I wanted to go out this weekend and maybe get wasted for the sheer sake of it - and now I’m completely not in the mood for any of it. I’m pissed that there’s shit like this happening from sources which are so damned unexpected and I’m pissed that it can still get under my skin and derail me.
I left work early today (or rather, didn‘t stay late). No more appointments and the paperwork can wait (something I’ll regret) I just can’t get anything done in this mood. Mad Secretary will commiserate and keep it to herself, Coffee-stealing colleague probably won’t. I’m not sure if I care whether he or the firm in general learns how angry I am about this. In some ways I want it known, I want my anger known and if they have any respect for me that will matter to them. But I’m unsure about the fallout... still I didn’t ask her to keep it to herself.
And I have to decide what to do tomorrow. Do I put the photo away, chalk it up to experience, keep moving and get over it? Do I confront Senior Partner (or his peers) and have a blazing row? Do I send a detailed message and conversation with them about my disatisfaction (a blazing row that starts politely)? I don’t know, I’ll see what the dawn brings.
Work has thrown me a curve ball and, much to my own rather unpleasant surprise, managed to hurt me and undermine me quite considerably. I’m rather severely pissed (and hurt) and it’s going to cause me to view some people I respect considerably rather differently. This is not a good thing.
It began with a crazy client. No surprises there. On my desk I have a picture of Beloved and I - we’re sat on a sofa, he has his arm around my shoulders. That’s it - it’s not like we’re nekked or even kissing or anything. It’s been on my desk for several months ever since I decided to stop hiding as much as I am able - and besides, everyone else has personal photos on my desk (one colleague even has their wedding photo with the “You may now kiss the bride” moment captured quite beautifully) my desk was notable by its lack of any pictures of family or at least a pet.
Client asked about picture. I informed client about picture. Interview continued along almost uniquely sane lines. Interview is over. I work on the Paperwork Backlog when Senior Partner asks to speak with me.
It seems that Client has come to him and complained about... well specifics are vague but generally it seems she is Not Happy about her lawyer being gay and vaguely thinks that she should have been told and/or I should have hidden it better (I’m rather vaguely amused and exasperated that these two statements are blatantly contradictory) and either way she is Shocked and Appalled. He assures me the matter is dealt with, he has apologised to client and asks me to keep my photo in a drawer when meeting clients.
There then follows a disconnect. Because this is Senior Partner man. Senior Partner is older than dirt, wiser than Soloman and more powerful than God. Senior Partner man has the voice of a Shakespearean actor, the demeanour of an emperor and the authority of a cult leader. It’s an assumption that you just agree with him, because he is right. He is always right, it is Known.
So I nod and smile and go back to my office and repeat what has happened to Mad Secretary and Colleague who is Stealing our Coffee. Upon hearing myself repeat it it clicks and I have a Moment and promptly subject them to 40 minutes of enraged and marginally incoherent ranting.
He apologised for me. He apologised. What. The. Fuck. He apologised for what?! For me being gay? For having a gay associate? For me not being in the closet? For inflicting gayness on her?! You apologise when you’ve done something wrong and/or when you’ve done something you are/should be ashamed of. I am not wrong, I am not a mistake or a bad decision by the firm. I will NOT accept the firm or the Partners being ashamed of me! I’m a damned good lawyer, I work any hours any time they ask, I pull epic all nighters to reach ridiculous deadlines, I’m on call at a moment’s notice for those lovely police interviews. I tolerate all kinds of crap from clients. My cases are exemplary. I even stuck with the firm and performed small miracles when one of the Partners decided to shag his secretary rather than do any work - how DARE he be ashamed of me?! How dare he apologise for me?! How dare he imply that I am doing something wrong or the firm is doing something wrong by having a homosexual practice law?!
And put my photo away? It’s not risquee! Hells it’s not even that affectionate - it’s a pose that could have just as easily been 2 brothers! He wants me to hide? He wants me to act like I’m ashamed? He wants me to bloody CLOSET myself?! Because some bigot freaked out? If a bigot had a hissy over my white colleague’s marriage to a black woman would he ask him to put his photographs away? I dearly hope not. He wants me to pretend I am not gay... I just cannot express the depth of that - in a culture where we spend our lives hiding, fighting not to hide and desperately afraid when we don’t hide - to tell me to hide is a gross violation.
I am outraged at being treated like this. And, worse, I am unhappy with what this has done to my work environment - I thought this was a safe place, a place where my homosexuality wasn’t a problem, wasn’t something to worry about. I thought it was a place where I could be me - that’s why I took the photograph out in the first place! Because I felt safe. Because I felt secure. It doesn’t feel that way anymore.
And worst of all, it’s severely damaged the respect I have for a man I had a great deal of respect for. I respected him, was truly impressed by him, admired him and in many ways wished to emulate him - but it seems that respect only went one way. And yes, maybe it is a mistake, maybe he doesn’t get it, people can have odd blind spots... but he should have. And I can’t help feel if he had had the vaguest respect for me he would have. He’s broken something important in our working relationship and I’m not sure if it can ever be the same. It’s not like I’ll have to quit or anything (in this economy!) but I’ll just have to do what so many homosexuals have to do - and what I’ve done in the past. Part of the closet will have to come to work with me...
I also resent what shit like this does to my mood. I wanted to write, I wanted to re-write. I wanted to hit the kitchen and planning some daring disaster. I wanted to go out this weekend and maybe get wasted for the sheer sake of it - and now I’m completely not in the mood for any of it. I’m pissed that there’s shit like this happening from sources which are so damned unexpected and I’m pissed that it can still get under my skin and derail me.
I left work early today (or rather, didn‘t stay late). No more appointments and the paperwork can wait (something I’ll regret) I just can’t get anything done in this mood. Mad Secretary will commiserate and keep it to herself, Coffee-stealing colleague probably won’t. I’m not sure if I care whether he or the firm in general learns how angry I am about this. In some ways I want it known, I want my anger known and if they have any respect for me that will matter to them. But I’m unsure about the fallout... still I didn’t ask her to keep it to herself.
And I have to decide what to do tomorrow. Do I put the photo away, chalk it up to experience, keep moving and get over it? Do I confront Senior Partner (or his peers) and have a blazing row? Do I send a detailed message and conversation with them about my disatisfaction (a blazing row that starts politely)? I don’t know, I’ll see what the dawn brings.