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Ok, let’s have an awkward conversation.
Mar. 22nd, 2009 03:20 pmI’ve poked around recently the idea that various oppressed and disadvantaged groups should stop snarling at each other and stand together more strongly as allies naturally united against oppression, injustice and hateful shit none of us should have to deal with.
And there’s one particular element of this that bugs me muchly and, since it also hits kinda close to home, I think it’s one I’m going to poke a little extra.
There’s a chance here that I’m going to go wrong here. I’ll (naturally) try not to, but I apologise in advance if I do.
That being said, I tentatively poke my toe into that nasty little cess pool we don’t like to talk about - why, in the GBLT community, are some of the G&L so damned uncomfortable with the B&T? Well, a lot of it comes down to your standard prejudice (as I’ve said 100 times before, just because you’re a member of an oppressed group doesn’t mean you are immune to being an arsehole) but I think there’s 2 other issues as well. The first - the desire for “specialness” and the way no-one likes their causes to be even slightly diluted is easy to understand and equally easy to dismiss as ridiculous and part and parcel of the whole bigotness. The second, though, I think is the bigger issue:
Bisexuals and Transgendered remind us of items of prevalent homophobia that get our backs up. By reminding us of that can lead to prejudice from gays towards Bisexuals and transexuals To elaborate from that HIGHLY inflammatory statement (it‘s getting long, so split in 2):
Bisexuals
The issues
This raises many hot button issues. Firstly, and perhaps mainly, is a sense of anger and even envy that a bisexual can paddle in the pool but get out if the water gets cold. I’ve spoken before about how I find people pretending to be gay for profit or gain offends me (a link to a comment thread where I vent: http://community.livejournal.com/thisthingwedo/6082.html?thread=167106#t167106) - and to an extent the same rough feeling can apply to bisexuals. NOT because they’re pretending but because there’s a sense that they can stop. They don’t have to do this. A bisexual man can jump out the water and say “pass me some boobies” and reintegrate with a society that has all the menfolk doing that boobie loving. And we can’t. We can’t get out the water when it’s cold or there are rapids or rabid crocodiles with bees in their mouths. In short, there’s an idea that bisexuals have a CHOICE which means a) they don’t get the same shit we do and b) if the water gets really rough, well, maybe they’ll get out?
It’s where this idea of bisexuals being gays that just can’t admit it comes from - because they can ‘play straight’ to protect themselves bisexual is seen as cowardly.
Then there’s the nasty thing that a lot of the homophobic crazies are telling us gay folks we need to change, that we should change, that we could change if we just tried hard enough! Then there’s this group of people who CAN seemingly change and that oh-so-does-not-help when we say we CAN’T
So, I think, there’s a sense of resentment, a sense that they get off easy, an idea that they’re playing almost and irritation that they give ammunition to some of the crazies
And why it’s so very very wrong
I’ve said before that while we all have similar problems (prejudice) the devil is in the details - and I think a lot of gay critics of bisexuals are seeing bisexuals through the wrong lens - and missing the details they endure that we don’t have to.
The issue of choice - well it’s bullshit. A bisexual cannot “choose” not to be bisexual any more than we can choose not to be gay. Yes, they can PRETEND to be straight far more easily than we can - but that’s a double edged sword. The closet for bisexual people can cling much more closely because they can pretend - and it’s more easy to EXPECT them to pretend. A sizeable number of sensible people in the world today accept that homosexuality is inherent - when a gay person comes out to them, well, this person is now gay and the opposite sex is not in the picture, end of. Sadly for a bisexual when they come out there’s always that element of “well, you can still be straight, right?” A bi guy can dump his boyfriend and go find a girlfriend, right? Well no, they can’t - but refusal to pretend is treated as more... well, wilful or defiant, y’know? Even if it is as reasonable as expecting one half of an interracial couple to dump their partner and find someone with the same skin tone.
If anything the bisexual’s playing both sides means they can end up with even more grief about “changing” than we do, because even relatively reasonable, not rabidly crazy folk are going to assume that a bisexual can (or even should!) play straight. The people who will accept gays because we “can’t help it” will still give the bis shit because of the wrongful impression that they CAN. And all of this is made far far worse by so very many people not talking bisexuals seriously - just because a group can hide better doesn’t mean they don’t have to put up with shit - and WE of all people should know that!
In the end, the Bisexual community is one of the closest natural allies the homosexual community has. Treating them like shit is going nowhere.
Sparky’s guide to not giving bi people shit
Don’t take our anger at the way the homophobes treat us (and their demand for ‘change’) out on the bisexuals. It’s not fair - direct our anger sensibly.
Don’t belittle a bisexual’s issues, don’t play the “I’m more tortured than you” game.
Treat their issues with respect, understand they may have DIFFERENT issues from you. Don’t act like they’re the backing group for the Big Gay Angst - they need their issues aired as well
Don’t imply bisexuality is a choice. Don’t suggest a bisexual can pretend to be straight (or gay). Don’t suggest their partners are interchangeable. Don’t suggest they can stop being bisexual.
Don’t buy into stupid stereotypes. A bisexual isn’t a gay who can’t admit it. They are capable of monogamy. They aren’t shagging everything in trousers/skirts et al.
The Bisexuals are in it with us for the long haul, they’re not going to quit early, they’re not dabblers, they’re not weekend warriors. They’re in their with us - respect them for that.
There’s my waffle. Bisexuals please feel free to weigh in with the many things I’ve got wrong (but don’t feel obliged to). And my GBLT brothers and sisters - we’ve got enough shit being thrown at us, let’s not give each other a hard time, ‘kay?
And there’s one particular element of this that bugs me muchly and, since it also hits kinda close to home, I think it’s one I’m going to poke a little extra.
There’s a chance here that I’m going to go wrong here. I’ll (naturally) try not to, but I apologise in advance if I do.
That being said, I tentatively poke my toe into that nasty little cess pool we don’t like to talk about - why, in the GBLT community, are some of the G&L so damned uncomfortable with the B&T? Well, a lot of it comes down to your standard prejudice (as I’ve said 100 times before, just because you’re a member of an oppressed group doesn’t mean you are immune to being an arsehole) but I think there’s 2 other issues as well. The first - the desire for “specialness” and the way no-one likes their causes to be even slightly diluted is easy to understand and equally easy to dismiss as ridiculous and part and parcel of the whole bigotness. The second, though, I think is the bigger issue:
Bisexuals and Transgendered remind us of items of prevalent homophobia that get our backs up. By reminding us of that can lead to prejudice from gays towards Bisexuals and transexuals To elaborate from that HIGHLY inflammatory statement (it‘s getting long, so split in 2):
Bisexuals
The issues
This raises many hot button issues. Firstly, and perhaps mainly, is a sense of anger and even envy that a bisexual can paddle in the pool but get out if the water gets cold. I’ve spoken before about how I find people pretending to be gay for profit or gain offends me (a link to a comment thread where I vent: http://community.livejournal.com/thisthingwedo/6082.html?thread=167106#t167106) - and to an extent the same rough feeling can apply to bisexuals. NOT because they’re pretending but because there’s a sense that they can stop. They don’t have to do this. A bisexual man can jump out the water and say “pass me some boobies” and reintegrate with a society that has all the menfolk doing that boobie loving. And we can’t. We can’t get out the water when it’s cold or there are rapids or rabid crocodiles with bees in their mouths. In short, there’s an idea that bisexuals have a CHOICE which means a) they don’t get the same shit we do and b) if the water gets really rough, well, maybe they’ll get out?
It’s where this idea of bisexuals being gays that just can’t admit it comes from - because they can ‘play straight’ to protect themselves bisexual is seen as cowardly.
Then there’s the nasty thing that a lot of the homophobic crazies are telling us gay folks we need to change, that we should change, that we could change if we just tried hard enough! Then there’s this group of people who CAN seemingly change and that oh-so-does-not-help when we say we CAN’T
So, I think, there’s a sense of resentment, a sense that they get off easy, an idea that they’re playing almost and irritation that they give ammunition to some of the crazies
And why it’s so very very wrong
I’ve said before that while we all have similar problems (prejudice) the devil is in the details - and I think a lot of gay critics of bisexuals are seeing bisexuals through the wrong lens - and missing the details they endure that we don’t have to.
The issue of choice - well it’s bullshit. A bisexual cannot “choose” not to be bisexual any more than we can choose not to be gay. Yes, they can PRETEND to be straight far more easily than we can - but that’s a double edged sword. The closet for bisexual people can cling much more closely because they can pretend - and it’s more easy to EXPECT them to pretend. A sizeable number of sensible people in the world today accept that homosexuality is inherent - when a gay person comes out to them, well, this person is now gay and the opposite sex is not in the picture, end of. Sadly for a bisexual when they come out there’s always that element of “well, you can still be straight, right?” A bi guy can dump his boyfriend and go find a girlfriend, right? Well no, they can’t - but refusal to pretend is treated as more... well, wilful or defiant, y’know? Even if it is as reasonable as expecting one half of an interracial couple to dump their partner and find someone with the same skin tone.
If anything the bisexual’s playing both sides means they can end up with even more grief about “changing” than we do, because even relatively reasonable, not rabidly crazy folk are going to assume that a bisexual can (or even should!) play straight. The people who will accept gays because we “can’t help it” will still give the bis shit because of the wrongful impression that they CAN. And all of this is made far far worse by so very many people not talking bisexuals seriously - just because a group can hide better doesn’t mean they don’t have to put up with shit - and WE of all people should know that!
In the end, the Bisexual community is one of the closest natural allies the homosexual community has. Treating them like shit is going nowhere.
Sparky’s guide to not giving bi people shit
Don’t take our anger at the way the homophobes treat us (and their demand for ‘change’) out on the bisexuals. It’s not fair - direct our anger sensibly.
Don’t belittle a bisexual’s issues, don’t play the “I’m more tortured than you” game.
Treat their issues with respect, understand they may have DIFFERENT issues from you. Don’t act like they’re the backing group for the Big Gay Angst - they need their issues aired as well
Don’t imply bisexuality is a choice. Don’t suggest a bisexual can pretend to be straight (or gay). Don’t suggest their partners are interchangeable. Don’t suggest they can stop being bisexual.
Don’t buy into stupid stereotypes. A bisexual isn’t a gay who can’t admit it. They are capable of monogamy. They aren’t shagging everything in trousers/skirts et al.
The Bisexuals are in it with us for the long haul, they’re not going to quit early, they’re not dabblers, they’re not weekend warriors. They’re in their with us - respect them for that.
There’s my waffle. Bisexuals please feel free to weigh in with the many things I’ve got wrong (but don’t feel obliged to). And my GBLT brothers and sisters - we’ve got enough shit being thrown at us, let’s not give each other a hard time, ‘kay?