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Because I love to add my 2 penno'worth
Jan. 11th, 2009 05:56 pmA couple of related issues have swirled around the internet lately and though I am rather late on both I do wish to put my oar in.
I’m not going to comment on specific issues in too much detail because a) they’ve already been debated at length by many many people who know more than I and b) I know that in at least on case one of the participants has no wish to be embroiled in the drama any further - he has my full support and agreement of his position but the vitriol level has been high and I have no wish to put him back in any kind of firing line.
Anyway the 2 issues:
1. A m/m romance novel entitled “Beautiful Cocksucker“
2. A Harry Potter fanfiction website using the word “miscegenation” to describe interracially themed fanfiction.
Others have gone long and in depth as to why these were silly, wrong and down right insane, so I’m not going to repeat what has been said far more eloquently and in far more detail.
No, I am going to talk about the responses (vaguely) and how we should act if we are caught in the same situation.
What was that? You all gasped and said “Sparky, I am a good, accepting, wonderful person! I would never say something racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-religious group, anti-disabled or otherwise prejudiced or bigoted.”
To which I say - you probably will. I know I will, and have. I certainly won’t mean it and I dare say you won’t either - but at some point we will say/do something that is offensive to other people whether individually or as a group.
And it usually isn’t our fault. No, I don’t mean that as a cop out. It will be a genuine mistake. Either something will slip out you never realise has been imprinted on your mind (maybe your parents left you with that rambling great uncle who was always muttering about the “darkies” once too often) you didn’t realise or maybe you were simply ignorant that a term was offensive (I still remember the horrified surprise when my dad said he was going to the ‘chinkie’ for a take away)
When it comes down to it, we’re all products of our society. And, like it or not, our societies (ALL societies) are chocked FULL of prejudice - historically, culturally and presently. It’s just there, in media, in history, in the attitudes of those around us. It’s there and will sink in to even the best and most decent of us. More, we sometimes won’t even realise it has - as the Angry Black woman says on her inestimable blog - you are not so alert to prejudice that is not aimed at you. If it’s not aimed at you it can fly under your radar completely unnoticed.
So, let me summarise before I get more verbose. You, me, everyone CAN and probably WILL say/do something offensive to other people and groups without meaning to. You will do it by accident, by mistake or through ignorance.
And, usually, that isn’t too much of a problem. Well, it is, but it’s a problem on a grander scale because our society still carries the baggage of prejudice that scars all of us. But INDIVIDUALLY it is not a problem because - and I say again - EVERYONE CAN/WILL do it AND no malice was intended.
No, what MATTERS is how you react when someone turns to you and says “I can’t believe you said that!” with a glint of outraged fury in their eye.
What you should do:
1) Apologise. Unreservedly and without qualification. This means saying “I’m sorry I said that” “I’m sorry I offended you” is acceptable but not as good as the first.
2) Explain that no malice was intended and that you acted through ignorance. Make it clear you will avoid repeating the offensive action. DO NOT EXCUSE THE ACTION/WORD USE
3) Make what amends are possible (edit the website, for example).
4) AVOID REPETITION. Doing it once is forgivable. Repeatedly doing the same thing? Yeah, see claiming ignorance doesn’t work if you’ve been TOLD what your saying is wrong.
5) If, for some odd reason (perhaps religious imperative, or a historical novel), you must continue and activity or saying that is offensive - politely explain why and, if possible, apologise and ACKNOWLEDGE the pain you are causing. Alright, you’re probably not going to win any fans, but if you’re hurting other people the least you can do is minimise the damage and try to be as decent as possible about it.
Will these stop your offended person from blowing up in your face and trying to bludgeon you with their umbrella? Usually, yes. And if it doesn’t - well some people are sensitive and also remember that just because someone is a female, black, homosexual, jewish disabled person doesn’t mean they can’t ALSO be an arsehole. Except point 5. They may not bludgeon you with the brolly but if you say “I’m sorry, I have to hurt you” then they’re perfectly within their rights to respond “I’m sorry, but I’m treating you with the same lack of respect you treat me.”
What not to do
1) Fake apology. “I’m sorry you’re offended.” Implies that you’re perfectly right and the offendee is not being reasonable. Wins few brownie points, that one.
2) Claim the term isn’t offensive. It just offended someone. Alright, there are people everywhere who are offended by everything, I know. But if you say something sexist and a woman turns round in fury, the chances are she’s better qualified to spot sexism than you.
3) Attack the offended - you may think they’re being oversensitive - but you’re not the victim here. There’s even a good chance you have NO IDEA what it’s like to be the victim in such a situation. It’s not your place to say how much someone should feel hurt by hurtful language.
4) Belittling the offence. If you refuse to take a basic action, like, say, changing “miscegenation” to “interracial” or otherwise acknowledge a problem but refuse to spend any time or effort addressing it you are dismissing it as unimportant. Saying “yes it’s offensive, but who gives a damn” is not going to make anyone a happy bunny. Obviously steps have to be reasonable and proportionate, but doing nothing or dismissing the whole thing out of hand doesn’t help.
5) “this gay/black/jewish/whatever person isn’t offended.” Uh-huh. This carries as much weight as “I have plenty of gay/black/jewish/whatever friends!” Some black people aren’t offended by the N-word either - but would any of us consider that an argument to say the word isn’t offensive?
Ultimately, like all the “pc” stuff that people fear so greatly it comes down to one basic concept. Be polite and respectful of your fellow human beings. And part of that is the basic response that you should a) try not to offend people and b) try to make amends if you do. It’s basic good manners.
I’m not going to comment on specific issues in too much detail because a) they’ve already been debated at length by many many people who know more than I and b) I know that in at least on case one of the participants has no wish to be embroiled in the drama any further - he has my full support and agreement of his position but the vitriol level has been high and I have no wish to put him back in any kind of firing line.
Anyway the 2 issues:
1. A m/m romance novel entitled “Beautiful Cocksucker“
2. A Harry Potter fanfiction website using the word “miscegenation” to describe interracially themed fanfiction.
Others have gone long and in depth as to why these were silly, wrong and down right insane, so I’m not going to repeat what has been said far more eloquently and in far more detail.
No, I am going to talk about the responses (vaguely) and how we should act if we are caught in the same situation.
What was that? You all gasped and said “Sparky, I am a good, accepting, wonderful person! I would never say something racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-religious group, anti-disabled or otherwise prejudiced or bigoted.”
To which I say - you probably will. I know I will, and have. I certainly won’t mean it and I dare say you won’t either - but at some point we will say/do something that is offensive to other people whether individually or as a group.
And it usually isn’t our fault. No, I don’t mean that as a cop out. It will be a genuine mistake. Either something will slip out you never realise has been imprinted on your mind (maybe your parents left you with that rambling great uncle who was always muttering about the “darkies” once too often) you didn’t realise or maybe you were simply ignorant that a term was offensive (I still remember the horrified surprise when my dad said he was going to the ‘chinkie’ for a take away)
When it comes down to it, we’re all products of our society. And, like it or not, our societies (ALL societies) are chocked FULL of prejudice - historically, culturally and presently. It’s just there, in media, in history, in the attitudes of those around us. It’s there and will sink in to even the best and most decent of us. More, we sometimes won’t even realise it has - as the Angry Black woman says on her inestimable blog - you are not so alert to prejudice that is not aimed at you. If it’s not aimed at you it can fly under your radar completely unnoticed.
So, let me summarise before I get more verbose. You, me, everyone CAN and probably WILL say/do something offensive to other people and groups without meaning to. You will do it by accident, by mistake or through ignorance.
And, usually, that isn’t too much of a problem. Well, it is, but it’s a problem on a grander scale because our society still carries the baggage of prejudice that scars all of us. But INDIVIDUALLY it is not a problem because - and I say again - EVERYONE CAN/WILL do it AND no malice was intended.
No, what MATTERS is how you react when someone turns to you and says “I can’t believe you said that!” with a glint of outraged fury in their eye.
What you should do:
1) Apologise. Unreservedly and without qualification. This means saying “I’m sorry I said that” “I’m sorry I offended you” is acceptable but not as good as the first.
2) Explain that no malice was intended and that you acted through ignorance. Make it clear you will avoid repeating the offensive action. DO NOT EXCUSE THE ACTION/WORD USE
3) Make what amends are possible (edit the website, for example).
4) AVOID REPETITION. Doing it once is forgivable. Repeatedly doing the same thing? Yeah, see claiming ignorance doesn’t work if you’ve been TOLD what your saying is wrong.
5) If, for some odd reason (perhaps religious imperative, or a historical novel), you must continue and activity or saying that is offensive - politely explain why and, if possible, apologise and ACKNOWLEDGE the pain you are causing. Alright, you’re probably not going to win any fans, but if you’re hurting other people the least you can do is minimise the damage and try to be as decent as possible about it.
Will these stop your offended person from blowing up in your face and trying to bludgeon you with their umbrella? Usually, yes. And if it doesn’t - well some people are sensitive and also remember that just because someone is a female, black, homosexual, jewish disabled person doesn’t mean they can’t ALSO be an arsehole. Except point 5. They may not bludgeon you with the brolly but if you say “I’m sorry, I have to hurt you” then they’re perfectly within their rights to respond “I’m sorry, but I’m treating you with the same lack of respect you treat me.”
What not to do
1) Fake apology. “I’m sorry you’re offended.” Implies that you’re perfectly right and the offendee is not being reasonable. Wins few brownie points, that one.
2) Claim the term isn’t offensive. It just offended someone. Alright, there are people everywhere who are offended by everything, I know. But if you say something sexist and a woman turns round in fury, the chances are she’s better qualified to spot sexism than you.
3) Attack the offended - you may think they’re being oversensitive - but you’re not the victim here. There’s even a good chance you have NO IDEA what it’s like to be the victim in such a situation. It’s not your place to say how much someone should feel hurt by hurtful language.
4) Belittling the offence. If you refuse to take a basic action, like, say, changing “miscegenation” to “interracial” or otherwise acknowledge a problem but refuse to spend any time or effort addressing it you are dismissing it as unimportant. Saying “yes it’s offensive, but who gives a damn” is not going to make anyone a happy bunny. Obviously steps have to be reasonable and proportionate, but doing nothing or dismissing the whole thing out of hand doesn’t help.
5) “this gay/black/jewish/whatever person isn’t offended.” Uh-huh. This carries as much weight as “I have plenty of gay/black/jewish/whatever friends!” Some black people aren’t offended by the N-word either - but would any of us consider that an argument to say the word isn’t offensive?
Ultimately, like all the “pc” stuff that people fear so greatly it comes down to one basic concept. Be polite and respectful of your fellow human beings. And part of that is the basic response that you should a) try not to offend people and b) try to make amends if you do. It’s basic good manners.