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Almost the definition of a silly question
Dec. 1st, 2007 04:36 pmA question I’ve been asked over and over by people - some of whom should have known better. Some have been genuinely ignorant (and not just about sexuality but about gender roles it seems). Some are clearly living in the 50s. Some are just looking for a way to insult me, as they do. Whatever the reason, the question keeps coming up
“Which one of you is the woman?” (variations include “who’s the wife?” and “Who wears the trousers?”)
(Lesbians are often asked which one is the “man” or which one is “butch” or “femme”)
Just read that again and try not to choke at the sheer WRONGNESS of it.
We’re gay, we’re male. By definition that should say that NEITHER of us is the “woman.” The homosexuality thing pretty much means that this is a boobie free zone. There are no women here.
Now, since you’d think even the most insane bigot could figure out that much it follows that they mean something else other than gender - possibilities and things they HAVE meant:
1) Who is top/bottom during sex? Well, there is a simple answer to this - none of your freaking business! Honestly I have been asked this by people who do not come close to knowing me well enough to ask that question. Seriously, since when is it remotely appropriate to ask intimate sexual details of people you hardly know?
A good alternate answer is “whoever gets tied up first” because you get that wonderful breaking sound when their brain runs out their ears.
2)Who is the dominant/submissive partner? This is what I mean by seriously messed up gender issues dating back to the 50s. Aren’t we past the time when the man was the “head of the household?” Even if you DID need a dominant/submissive partner there’s no requirement that the dom has to be male. So this can easily be answered by stripping away the silly sexism.
We’ve reached a balance we like. Neither of is inherently dominant. We both recognise that the other has skills/knowledge/inclination that makes them better at some things. When it comes to buying cars, electrical appliances or anything else vaguely like that I instantly hand it all over to Beloved. When it comes to the bank books, cheque books, investments and stuff he defers to me. When it comes to actually budgeting we both tussle, since he is better at budgeting but IMO he budgets too much and we both control each other’s excessive fads and whims. We both have a good sense of when the other is being silly to put our foot down, and enough sense of when WE are being silly to back down. Occasionally one will make decisions for the other and the reaction will range from “Oh, I love how he knows me so well he knows what I was going to say” through to “who died and made you king?” depending on mood/inclination/breakfast/coffee consumption. Other than that? We debate, we discuss, we argue, we see just how important something IS to the other and make decisions like that. Probably the same as every other modern couple.
The idea that one of us is the boss is kind of laughable. We arrange our affairs like everyone else - lots of arguing, sulking and passive aggression :p
I think the only difference is that one may occasionally pull a “dom” and take command (usually Beloved) but that’s more of a sexual taste thing than a lifestyle thing since any attempt to use it in a “RL” situation would result in much slappage - and not sexual happy slappage either.
3) Roles in the house As silly as no.2 really. But in case it needs to be said neither of us are barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. We both work full time. We both cook (badly). We both clean (well, I clean more, because I hate dirt and he tidies more because he can’t stand clutter) we both try to make the other do the ironing, we both avoid doing the gardening. Any insects that infiltrate our house we can both deal with on our own. Should a mouse ever infiltrate our home neither of us will be standing on a stool squealing. If an appliance breaks down Beloved will likely tinker with it for a little while and I will ring the repairman who should arrive just in time for beloved to announce it’s completely broken and we need a new one.
You know what gets me about all this? Anyone in the 21st century should KNOW the answer to this question. The ignorance and lack of thought is utterly stunning - and not just about sexuality but about gender itself. I fear for their wives.
“Which one of you is the woman?” (variations include “who’s the wife?” and “Who wears the trousers?”)
(Lesbians are often asked which one is the “man” or which one is “butch” or “femme”)
Just read that again and try not to choke at the sheer WRONGNESS of it.
We’re gay, we’re male. By definition that should say that NEITHER of us is the “woman.” The homosexuality thing pretty much means that this is a boobie free zone. There are no women here.
Now, since you’d think even the most insane bigot could figure out that much it follows that they mean something else other than gender - possibilities and things they HAVE meant:
1) Who is top/bottom during sex? Well, there is a simple answer to this - none of your freaking business! Honestly I have been asked this by people who do not come close to knowing me well enough to ask that question. Seriously, since when is it remotely appropriate to ask intimate sexual details of people you hardly know?
A good alternate answer is “whoever gets tied up first” because you get that wonderful breaking sound when their brain runs out their ears.
2)Who is the dominant/submissive partner? This is what I mean by seriously messed up gender issues dating back to the 50s. Aren’t we past the time when the man was the “head of the household?” Even if you DID need a dominant/submissive partner there’s no requirement that the dom has to be male. So this can easily be answered by stripping away the silly sexism.
We’ve reached a balance we like. Neither of is inherently dominant. We both recognise that the other has skills/knowledge/inclination that makes them better at some things. When it comes to buying cars, electrical appliances or anything else vaguely like that I instantly hand it all over to Beloved. When it comes to the bank books, cheque books, investments and stuff he defers to me. When it comes to actually budgeting we both tussle, since he is better at budgeting but IMO he budgets too much and we both control each other’s excessive fads and whims. We both have a good sense of when the other is being silly to put our foot down, and enough sense of when WE are being silly to back down. Occasionally one will make decisions for the other and the reaction will range from “Oh, I love how he knows me so well he knows what I was going to say” through to “who died and made you king?” depending on mood/inclination/breakfast/coffee consumption. Other than that? We debate, we discuss, we argue, we see just how important something IS to the other and make decisions like that. Probably the same as every other modern couple.
The idea that one of us is the boss is kind of laughable. We arrange our affairs like everyone else - lots of arguing, sulking and passive aggression :p
I think the only difference is that one may occasionally pull a “dom” and take command (usually Beloved) but that’s more of a sexual taste thing than a lifestyle thing since any attempt to use it in a “RL” situation would result in much slappage - and not sexual happy slappage either.
3) Roles in the house As silly as no.2 really. But in case it needs to be said neither of us are barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. We both work full time. We both cook (badly). We both clean (well, I clean more, because I hate dirt and he tidies more because he can’t stand clutter) we both try to make the other do the ironing, we both avoid doing the gardening. Any insects that infiltrate our house we can both deal with on our own. Should a mouse ever infiltrate our home neither of us will be standing on a stool squealing. If an appliance breaks down Beloved will likely tinker with it for a little while and I will ring the repairman who should arrive just in time for beloved to announce it’s completely broken and we need a new one.
You know what gets me about all this? Anyone in the 21st century should KNOW the answer to this question. The ignorance and lack of thought is utterly stunning - and not just about sexuality but about gender itself. I fear for their wives.