Unspeakable Words

[sparkindarkness]

It’s been roaming around in my mind for a while every since it was brought to my attention the rather... stupid choice of words an author used to describe the presence of male homosexuality in her story (made doubly so in that one of the communities was one designed for such content). It’s got me musing on the subject of words and labels that should never ever be uttered. My apologies in advance of having to allude to some of these terms (with letters starred) to make it clear what I mean


They’re Just Words!
No, they’re not. They’re vocal avatars of hatred and pain and loss. These words represent centuries of oppression and discrimination and attacks - all of which are STILL HAPPENING. They aren’t just words - they are a message. They are a sign of hate, that society hates you, that you are second class, that you are lesser. Their usage as acceptable language says that the bigotry that has plagued minority groups for generations is acceptable.

Y’know, I’m afraid. I spend a hell of a lot of my life afraid. I’m more open about my sexuality on the net than in real life. I’m afraid to touch Beloved in public - just to hug him or kiss him or hold his hand or just touch him at all. I’m afraid to be frank in case our conversations are overheard. I am afraid because there is a lot of hate out there and that I am still considered lesser by many, even most. And every time I hear one of these words used addressing gay people I get a little more scared, I get a little more tense.

So no, it’s not just words. It’s about the society we live in, it’s about what’s acceptable, it’s about oppressed groups - be it because of race, gender, sexuality or religion - have every damn reason to be scared and insecure, it’s about recognising lines that should never be crossed.

People Who Use These Words
I actually like the various bigots in this world who freely use these disgusting words to refer to different races, religions and sexualities. They’re vile bigots but at least they ADVERTISE the fact. They’re open and proud of their bigotry - which means we can recognise them and treat them accordingly. I always appreciate it when scum identifies itself so everyone can mock it, ignore it or use it as a verbal punching bag.

This does mean that if someone does uses these words they will be treated as a bigot. Unfair? Well, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

PC-ism Gone Mad!!!
Ok, yes, there have been no end of silly silly silly things done by very well meaning people. We can all agree. But, that is NOTHING compared to what the bigots are trying to push back in the name of “combating pcism.” Pcism is, at its root about respect and good manners. YOU may not understand why she prefers to be called Ms. Smith as opposed to Mrs. Smith or Miss. Smith - you don’t NEED to. The mere fact she prefers this form of address means basic respect demands you call her it. YOU may prate that p*ki and ch*nk are “abbreviations” (and if anyone makes that desperate attempt at a defence then they lose every brownie point they ever had because NO-ONE who is even remotely aware believes that) but the fact that the people you are calling that find it offensive should be reason enough not to do it.

If you are offending people, upsetting people, insulting people - then even if you are doing so unintentionally, good manners and basic respect says you should stop - ESPECIALLY if it is so easy to do so. This isn’t pcism. This is common courtesy. If you can’t dredge up enough respect for your fellow human beings to make this tiny, minimal effort, then you’re not much better than the bigots themselves.

They Use It!
Yes, you will hear gay comedians use everything from queer to poof to queen, even f*g. Yes you will hear black musicians use the n-word.

Guess what? A small minority of people from that group using the word doesn’t suddenly mean it is not offensive at all. The various communities debate fiercely on whether those words should ever be used and the majority in each tends to be strongly against and those arguing for tend to be in favour for reasons of “reclaiming” (my next point.) Don’t seize upon one artist’s usage and suddenly decide you can use it or that it’s ok to use it (apart from anything else, swooping in an using the word with this excuse gives the impression you’ve been DYING to use it for SOOOO long and now have the opportunity). Besides, you can have idiot arseholes within the group as well as outside it.

It’s not ok, it’s not alright and the word isn’t cleansed of all it’s negative connotations just because a small number belonging to the group happen to have used it.

Reclaiming the Language
There is a lot of debate behind this and personally I don’t agree with it. Some words aren’t redeemable and shouldn’t be redeemed - we shouldn’t be giving an air of acceptability to them and we shouldn’t be giving the bigots and excuse to use them. These symbols of hate need to die, not be whitewashed.

Still, some people do try to reclaim the language. The key-word here is REclaim. As in, we don’t have it and are trying to claim it from people who use it against us.

So, if you are white, you CANNOT reclaim the n-word. If you are straight, you cannot reclaim the word f*g. These are, for better or worse, ALREADY your words (even though you have the decency not to use them). If the word has not/cannot be used against you then you cannot reclaim it. Just because a homosexual/black person/woman can say X and it not be offensive (or not be AS offensive) doesn’t mean that the same word in your mouth won’t be filthy bigotry.

Unfair? (And, yes, people DO bitch that it’s unfair) Well, deal with it as one of the “unpleasant” side effects of not being a member of that particular oppressed group. Damn, isn’t life awful? No-one appreciates the plight of white heterosexual men any more!

(A side note on this: you can’t reclaim an oppressed group’s insults if you belong to a different oppressed group. Nor does the fact you have faced racism/sexism/homophobia mean you can’t be a bigoted arsehole to another group. Being oppressed doesn‘t give you a free pass to oppress - quite the opposite, you should know better).

Comments

Other Side of the Pond

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

You know, it took me about 30 seconds to emvowel p*ki. Curious.

That said, go you! This is precisely correct.

[procris.livejournal.com]

Strangely, the analogy "you wouldn't make a racist joke, so why would you make a joke about someone's sexuality?" seems to get through to some of my students. Or at least they suddenly look thoughtful. I'm damn well going to get through to some of them, even if most of them only learn "never say homophobic things in Ms. X's class, she'll go balistic on your butt."

Ironically, on Assumption Day there was a great deal of debate about my sexuality. I refrained from describing the Kinsey scale to them....

[sapphybelle.livejournal.com]

I completely relate to what you go through with Beloved because I am scared to do the same things with my girlfriend when we go out.

This is excellent. The world needs more people like you, Mr Sparky.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

I've always HATED the reclaiming language thing. *grrs at it* It doesn't work. And it frustrates the heck out of me. I've seen it particularly in women who go around talking about how they are proud to be cunts. And for every person who understands what they're trying to say by that, there are dozens who are snickering and going "Yeah, you're a cunt all right." It's not making up any ground, it's not winning back anything, it's just giving the idiots an excuse to keep the word in common circulation. "Well she called herself that!" Trying to make a distinction between people who can and cannot use a word acceptably is too fine of a distinction to make, I feel, and we'd be better off if we quit trying to "reclaim" them and let them rest where they belong, as totally inappropriate insults.

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

I am not quite sure what the p*ki stands for, but then I'm not well versed in hate speak.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

It's short for Pakistani, I believe. And speaking of inappropriate terms, it's got roughly the same emotional content as the "sand nigger" I've heard from some people who are referring to people in the Middle East.

[suryaofvulcan.livejournal.com]

Great post, Sparky. Insightful and thought provoking.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this kind of thing this last week, since we had an ‘Equalities’ seminar at work. Now I have more to ponder.

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

Y’know, I’m afraid. I spend a hell of a lot of my life afraid. I’m more open about my sexuality on the net than in real life. I’m afraid to touch Beloved in public - just to hug him or kiss him or hold his hand or just touch him at all. I’m afraid to be frank in case our conversations are overheard.

This made me the saddest I've felt all day.

Ya know, PDA annoys me. I'm not a "touchy" person at all, and seeing strangers (or even friends and family) going at it just squicks me. But I remember two specific occasions when I felt all warm and fuzzy from the sight of two people in love:

1) On a plane, there was one couple about my age making out for all they were worth. Annoyed me. However, a few rows up, there was an obviously-Amish couple sitting, getting their drinks, and having a conversation. As the plane rolled on, she put her head on his shoulder. Dunno why, it was just sweet.

2) I was near the Lincoln Memorial in DC, writing on a park bench. There was a pair of gay men on a picnic blanket several meters away, reading a comic book. At one point, one guy pulled the book away, and a wrestling match ensued, ending with a zerbit. (If you don't know what a zerbit is, I'll tell you some time. I promise it's not as dirty as it sounds!) I couldn't help giggling, and they saw me watching them and were all apologetic. "No worries," I told them. "My PARENTS do that!"

Love is love is love is love. You should not have to be afraid of showing it.

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

Love is love is love is love. You should not have to be afraid of showing it.

Amen.

[gnarlycranium.livejournal.com]

Prejudice is a terrible thing, but I simply can't bring myself to condone censorship, for any reason. Words are words, and the more people freak out over them, the more other people will use them with the expectation of drawing blood.

Then again, it's possible (likely?) that I've been hanging out around 4channers-- and listening to George Carlin, and Denis Leary, and watching Boondocks, and South Park, and reading Flem comics-- a leeeetle bit too much.

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

Words are words, and the more people freak out over them, the more other people will use them with the expectation of drawing blood.

Which is no reason not to call them out on their bullshit. Words hurt. Anyone who claims they are harmless, is a fucking idiot.

[vamprino.livejournal.com]

*applauds*

I agree with sapphybelle, the world does need more people like you.
I'm really glad I added you as a friend, your posts always give me a better perspective on things :)

[vamprino.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to mention that my friends and I (we're Arabs) are in the process of reclaiming the word.

As a result, we have a new, giggle-worthy word: 'Sniggers' :)

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

*boggle*

There are people who use the term "sand n*gger?" In a place where they can be heard?

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

I wish I could tell you that there aren't.

[amynnah.livejournal.com]

Spark... this is one of my favorite posts you've made. Hands down.

You really make me appreciate you, for being the wonderful person you are. The line about not being able to do things with Beloved in public, things I would take for granted... ::hugs... just hugs:: Common courtesy should be common. And I don't know why people can't just be happy for people who have love. It's such a simple thing.

And I agree with the other comments here. <3

Re: Other Side of the Pond

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It may be a British slur more than international

Thank you :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I think it's because they rarely put homophobia and racism in the same box until you put it in for them then it's a big fiah-whacked-round-the-head moment (assuming they don't go into denial)

It's a start :). I'm sure a lot of racists are respectful only because they know people will jump all over them if they aren't

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's utterl;yu depressing and more so for being prevalent.

Thank you

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I can see some success on the "lower level" as it were - the gay community has done great things reclaiming "Queer" for example (and gay itself is a reclamation). I've seen women do stirling jobs with the word "Bitch."

But I think lines need to be drawn - there are some levels and some words that are beyond redemption. And by using these words we're giving them a veneer of excusability. We don't need to give people a "get out" clause for saying soemthing vilely insulting to people and then being able to excuse it - no matter how feeble that excuse is

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

What Brownkitty says - I think it's more of a British slur than an American one

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

There's always more to consider. I like my food for thought

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It is really depressing to live like that. That's one reason why gay pride parades and gay clubs etc are more important than many straight people can realise. Most of us spend a considerable amount of our time being afraid, tense, hiding. It's daily life and for the totally closeted it's every second of their life. That's pretty damn torturous. A pride parade or gay club is our safe spot. Yes, daily life grinds you down but here and now we're SAFE and we're safe to BE who we are. It's cathartic, it's liberating, it's essential to mental health


Agreed wholeheartedly. We should not ever have to be afraid. Alas "should and could build no bridges" as Robert Jordan said.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't condone censorship either. But I don't see this as censorship. But these words ARE venemous and ARE used to draw blood and will continue to do so. But the only reason why, say, the n-word is not commonly used as a weapon expect by the most vile is because it HAS become recognised what a truly awful term it is

I don't say these words should ever be banned. There should be no criminal component to any of this. But free speach does not isolate you from the ramifications of your words and it is not censorship if your words attract negative response. As I said, I LIKE it when bigots openly use these words - it allows me (and society in general) to treat them accordingly. It's not censorship to treat someone as a bigoted arsehole because they have identified themselves as such.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

I try, well in between the madness anyway :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I really appreciate it.

It's sadly part and parcel of gay life I think - one of the differences of being in an oppressed group compared to mainstream is the amount of things the mainstream take for granted that you have to fight for or be more aware of. I think it applies to all - women, ethnic minorities, minority sexualities, minority religions - all have to consider things that most people just don't

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Oh dear gods that's a horrible horrible word

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

lol, that's some good reclaiming :)

But what a horrible horrible term... 8shudder*

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

Just a thought about words and homosexuality. Saying that a woman is a lesbian is just saying she's homosexual, and this term normally won't get you looks from the gay/lesbian coalition, but I have never heard a polite name for a homosexual man. Why is that? Is it merely more agreeable for women to be gay than for men to be gay?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Well generally though "gay" is a unisex term, if you use it without specifying gender it's assumed you mean a gay man not a gay woman (perhaps because the term lesbian exists)


Lesbians get plenty of grief - more than anyone should. But there does seem to be more than a few people who find lesbianism more threatening that gay men. Maybe because some of the more virulent, and certainly more violent, homophobes are men.

[remote45.livejournal.com]

Quite an insightful commentary. Found my way here through a series of links and hope you don't mind me adding you to my friends list. You seem like an interesting person and I'd like to read more of what you have to say.
Like most everyone else, I find it incredibly sad that you have to live in fear of showing even the most innocent shows of affection. Funny that those of us who don't have to worry about such things almost never think about what it must be like when you do!
I was quite struck by your last line too!
Being oppressed doesn‘t give you a free pass to oppress - quite the opposite, you should know better.
I've seen this a lot and it always struck me as the oddest thing. How could you not see that you are doing the same thing that you hate other people doing to you? I've never understood it.

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

Oh, I was never meaning to imply that lesbians don't get grief. I merely meant that it seems to me that the AWAM (Average White American Male)don't have quite as much hatred and viterol for gay females as they do to gay males. Possibly because for AWAM, two women getting frisky= hawt, but two men getting frisky=OMGDIE#$%^#$%^

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

Number 2 is Aaaawwww. What's a zerbit?

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

A zerbit involves pressing one's closed lips against the opponent's skin (preferably in a ticklish area such as the neck, stomach, or inside of elbow or leg) and blowing hard. The result is a raspberry-like noise and a major tickling effect. My parents used to do it on my sister's and my stomachs when we were little, and my sister and brother in law still do it on each other - she taught him.

It's just a funny, goofy wrestling manuever.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

That is because, for weird alien reasons unknown, 2 lesbians is apparently a huge sexual fantasy for an AWAM. I don't get it tbh, I mean, 2 women who BOTH have absolutely no interest in you?

And I think part of it is sexism. Women =/=not threatening/important. Men=threat/important.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) Not at all, the more the merrier

That's part and parcel I'm afraid, having to worry about what others take for granted.

I've seen no end of people say "it's not the same" or even play the "my group's more oppressed than yours." Or "I'm oppressed too, so what I said isn't offensive!" Just because you're gay doesn't give you carte blanch to be racist or sexist nor does it make your racist/sexist language acceptable. Same with being black and homophobic or one race against another etc etc.

I've actually seen some people get really touchy because THEY'RE the oppressed group and everyone else are some kind of pretenders. Very very odd. I guess everyone needs something to make themselves feel special.

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

I really need to write up the RA talk on PC and language I went to last month, although you've just said almost everything I wanted to in reaction to the presentations...

[mharbourgirl.livejournal.com]

Having grown up in a highly multicultural region of Canada with a large Indic population, I can confirm your assumption. It wasn't a compliment when I was a kid, that's for sure. I vividly recall lecturing more than one adult as a small child on just how rude it was to call people names. :> My parents got one thing right in raising me, at least. :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

They're debates and words that need to be out there I think

[gnarlycranium.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

And Wise Beard Man puts it all much better than I could, at about 8:00 into this video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFFp779j410