OH HE MUST DIE!

[sparkindarkness]

I never understood why my grandmothers and various aunts all felt the need to have a set of crockery to be used only for "best." These dinner sets would be kept in locked cupboards and treated like the crown jewels. I often expected to see a little goblin creature crouched outside hissing "my preciouussss." They would never leave the cupboard except for the most extreme of special occasions and then they were treated like glass vials full of nitroglycerine. It never made sense to me to own something you never ever used.

Then I moved in with Beloved. Beloved's daily toll on the dishes when we first moved in together was staggering. Acquiring a dish washer has only reduced the carnage - but a week rarely goes by without a plate or cup or glass being turned into an impromptu fragmentation grenade on the kitchen tiles. It vexes, it does. I have absolutely nothing that matches, just odd plates and cups everywhere (and yes, the gayness dth indeed runneth over, we have a full scale mincing alert with severe risk of flouncing. The emergency services have been notified in case I explode into a shower of sparkly rainbows. I don't care, I want my matching plates!)

So I ordered a set for best (*shame*) to be protected at all cost from Beloved's ravaging. They are pretty, faintly oriental and please me muchly. And they arrived today.

Me: I love them
Beloved: They are nice
Me: DO NOT TOUCH THEM!
Beloved: I was just looking at the plate.
Me: Put that down!
Beloved: But look, they're square! *looks on bottom* who makes square pla- *drop*
Plate: *shatters*
Beloved: Ooops...

Where's mah axe? I got me some killin' to do

Comments

[being-here.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. If you chopped his hands off would he cause less or more distruction?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It would cause less - but would remove so many interesting options from life

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

I feel a call to the place that you ordered them from coming on, insisting loudly and angrily that the set arrived with one broken and YOU WANT A REPLACEMENT DAMNIT!

;)

[allthepettylies.livejournal.com]

Hell yes! I'd do it. Hell, I'd do it FOR HIM.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Meeee? commit fraud!? As if I would ever do such a thing

*ring ring*

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

Oh dear :(

Our not-at-all missed recently departed houseguest did similar things to my various sets of crystal wine glasses (I say mine as they were gifts that pre-date Beloved, and I adore glass, so they're mine, all mine - I let him use them occasionally) - but the thing that rankled most, he would break one, and then hide the evidence in the bin, I noticed a couple of glasses missing but couldn't work out why, I then found the 3rd one in the bin badly wrapped in newspaper, which is why I noticed it because we don't buy newspapers and I wondered where it had come from. He never had the balls to own up to any of the things he broke while he was here. Those glasses were things like Waterford and Royal Doulton, mostly gifts from my parents :(

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

That's really out of order, poor you :(

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Hmmm

Actually, you can have my axe. you deserve it more. Remember, don't aim for anyhing vital until he has broke his voice box screaming

[tinimaus.livejournal.com]

The only other thing you could do is go for some plain white plates that are easy to replace. House of Fraser has this one variety they have half-price sales on twice a year, and you can just replace like with like. And they look quite classy in their plainness.

I do that, but of course I live with primary school age children.

You might want to point that out to B. Butterfingers are nothing to be proud of.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

But I wants pretty ones *sulk*

House of Frasier half price sale - doesn't that make them just twice as expensive as everyone else rather than 4 times as expensive? :)


He points out that is one of the wonderful things I love about him. Then I smack him

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

this is why one always buys six settings when your table seats four, or eight and six, and so on. (or just accept that they're temporary-ish and enjoy their ephemeral beauty ....)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's art and no art can last forever!

Well, Beloved has made amends by buying the whole set again - 3 times. He argues then he's allowed to break them

*Giggles*

[caslayerboi.livejournal.com]

Good to see you again, Sparky.

Regarding beloved, I say just strip the short one naked and put him in one of those BDSM doggie outfits with the ball gloves for hands. That way, he'll still be cute and cuddle. Yet, he can't break much of anything.

Or, I can just ship you an entire carton of mexican viagra and have you feed him drugged up brownies, so he'll be walking about with a tent all day long while you turn into a prude, sighing about your broken plate. That way, he'll psychologically associate broken plate with no sex. That's a good deterrent for most men.

Re: *Giggles*

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thankee, I'm always around kinda, just very very very distracted

Now that has great great potential - but he is marginally taller than me (he claims) so I can't call him the short one and while I cna play with him like that he can't play back with alll his ingenuity

But but but, if he's all secually frustrated then that means I could be having funnnnnn!

[mauracelt.livejournal.com]

If you threaten to make him wear a set of tights and a tutu if he breaks anymore would that work?
I do know what you mean about not having a matching set of dishes around and how frustrating it can be, I have kids, they are the all time worst on dishes! I had a set of plain white square plates, then a set of clear glass plates, then.... well, you get it. But if I dared to Try and buy a 'good' set, I'd be out the money and the dishes because they would use them anyway and that would be that. *sigh* My biggest problem is getting the set sizes I want, it's hard to buy only the salad size plates w/o the rest of them and we don't use the big ones at all. If only they would break those instead. :/

[colubra.livejournal.com]

Scroll down: you miiight be able to flesh out a set at the link I brought to this discussion. ;)

[seryan.livejournal.com]

Quote:

we have a full scale mincing alert with severe risk of flouncing.

That is the funniest thing I've read all week. *snickers*

For everyday use, Corel makes some pretty unbreakable stuff. The only problem is, when it does break, it shatters everwhere. Once, two months after a break, I found a weensy shard of iris-patterned pain in my boot walking to work. I'd worn those boots a dozen times before! Gah!

Supposedly my mother's best plates were amongst my wedding gifts. Know where they are now? In the tallest cupboard, wrapped in protective foam inside something that best resembles a quilted vinyl cookie tin, at her house so I don't break them.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thankee :)

That sounds worrisome. We always walk around bare foot so sounds artery slashy


Yep, i'm tempted to do the same but then I think "well if they're away all the time why do i even have them?"

[amynnah.livejournal.com]

Oh God... this is when you look at him, directly into his eyes, and say, "Beloved... this is exactly why we can't have nice things." Sorry he broke a plate, o Spark... having lived with roommates and one significant other over my years, I gave up on having matching glass-ware. Everything they use is made of plastic. That matches. I gave all my "good stuff" to my sister.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Do I use the axe before or after saying that?

Eww, but plastic is all icky. I hates plastic

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

yeeeep, that's a paddlin'. /simpsons.

i'm another person that has to buy not only good dishes to set aside, but more place settings than we need. there WILL be a ritual sacrifice of a dish or glass somewhere along the line. and we're officially at the point where not a single one of the everyday plates match. well, okay, maybe two of them. >_>;

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Definitely a paddlin'!

Oh yes, i know that feeling. Setting the table and no 2 plates are the same SIZE and shape let alone the same colour!

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

Buy a china cabinet. With a lock.

Or else go to all metal plates. They are hard to find, but you can find them. Look at ren-faires and reinactments, and online.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

But then i can't use them. And he will use his arcane breaking powers to smash them even locked away.


Metal? Hmmm, not really going to suit methinks

[makarov.livejournal.com]

send him to Wisconsin for a walk in the woods dressed in brown during Deer Season.... PROBLEM SOLVED

[mrmeval.livejournal.com]

It would just mean nothing happens, you're supposed to aim at the orange in wisconsin while swilling down bud and hooting loudly.

[colubra.livejournal.com]

I had this problem myself with the everyday stuff (Pfaltzgraff stopped making it). Then I found replacements.com.

I have used this to replace glasses I've broken from the everyday and the 'good' sets, too. Even if it ain't out of print, they'll often have ones and twos of any pattern.

Yup, we're gay.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Now THAT has potential. yes, yes it does.

Very very gay :)

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

You can't kill him. You need him to tie you up and treat you badly.

I think a lot of glaring and pointed hints about replacements should work. Just remember dishes are more replaceable than Beloveds.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Damn. There is a flaw in my vengeance plan.

I shall use the arcane couple power of GUILT. And the non-replaceable Beloved will have to move mountains to face of the evil force of GUILT.

[mrmeval.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you need 'cement ware'.

Or this: http://www.comforthouse.com/tumbler.html
They are a rainbow and they are almost indestructible.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Well... they're tough

And they're rainbow. These are bonuses



But they're ugly as sin. I would be trying to break them

[semiotic-pirate.livejournal.com]

I'm not picturing you standing in front of a locked cabinet rubbing your hands together and saying "precioooouus."

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Mah precious corckery

[a-roar-a.livejournal.com]

aww, I feel your pain, I never understood the whole sacred china bit...then I had kids ::eyeroll:: now I find myself fantasizing about a loverly LOCKED china cabinet with dishes only to be used on the rarest of occasions.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's not the rarest of occasions that bugs me, it's just having plates that MATCH - looks sooooo much better. Even if they're not the preciousest china ever, so long as they're the same colour would be nice

[cally7.livejournal.com]

This is why I bought double of all my best ware. I have a dozen of everything so I can stop worrying about careless teens and friends who think their arms stop two inches further than they do (I really have one of those they threw a pint at my son by accident once).

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Problem with that is you end up with 1 million egg cups and delicate littrle cups and 3 dinner plates :)