Coming out Day

[sparkindarkness]

Today is apparently National Coming out Day somewhere in the world, America I suspect.

Naturally I don’t have much to come out to here. I’m gay, and it’s vaguely possible someone stumbling across my journal while extremely drunk and who doesn’t speak a word of English, or indeed any language that uses the Roman alphabet, wouldn’t realise I’m gay. The gayness runneth freely round here.

Instead I’m thinking about the closet itself, my time in it and just how horrible it was/is. The closet is toxic. The closet takes over your entire life, it has to. Your work, your family, your friends, your home - everything you do, everything you are, every second of every minute of every hour of every day you are in the shadow of the closet and it controls you. It is a lie, but it is a lie that makes the whole life you lead a lie. Fake and falsehood, it touches every part of you. You can’t live in the closet, you just exist. And some people have just existed in that vile place for a very very long time. It is the very definition of soul destroying.

I celebrate whenever I hear of anyone coming out. Anyone. Whether they’re a complete stranger, whether I hate them, absolutely anyone. I pity anyone who is closeted - ANYONE. Even the vilest of closeted homophobes who do their very best to make all of our lives hell (and there’s been a fair spate of revelations about them recently) I can’t help but pity them - because they have suffered so much for so long. Their hate is irrational? Gods, I’m amazed ANYTHING about them is rational after all those years mired in the closet.

I celebrate that someone is free, but I also celebrate because every single person coming out of the closet is a victory and a step forward. The tide of homophobia won’t be turned by words or politics or laws or demonstrations or parades - it will turn by millions of people looking around and seeing that the gays aren’t some alien other - they are their children and their siblings, their parents and their friends and their colleagues. I really do think this is where the battle will be won. I would NEVER push someone to come out (people have to be in a place in their own lives when they are ready for it) but I celebrate when they do.

But I also think of all the times I cling to the shreds of my own closet. The times I avoid a question, or assiduously use gender-neutral pronouns and labels, all the times I hide or avoid. Sometimes it’s out of genuine fear, but mainly it’s simple laziness. Not wanting to face the surprise, the possible agro, the shocked or the embarrassed. Just not wanting the issue to come up. I wonder if any gay person is truly out all the time, if any of us have managed to cast of the last clinging remains of the closet. I know I haven’t - and I’m ashamed that I haven’t. Oh, some of it is sensible, even if I look back righteously and think I should have shouted down the potentially violent homophobe, I realise that would have been stupid. But the rest? Hiding because of social awkwardness? Because it’s easier to let people assume I’m straight? Because I’m too tired to own my gayness? That’s shameful. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality - I’m gay, I’m out, I’m proud and I am repulsed that I let my words and actions imply for a second that I am not comfortable with who I am.

So, whether this day is special or not, I think that is what I am going to push back. I refuse to let the closet cast even the slightest shadow on my life, not any more. I’m not going to run around with linked mars symbols bringing up mansex in every casual conversation (but wouldn’t small talk be much more interesting if I did?) but no more hiding and no more compromising my identity because it’s EASIER to adhere to heterosexual assumption.

Comments

[semiotic-pirate.livejournal.com]

Huzzah for Sparky!

What kind of situation would you consider to be socially awkward in relation to this?

I've decided to not assume anything about anyone.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's so many casual situations every day - an acquaintance asks if my "wife" and I are going somewhere and I just say "yes" rather than correct. Casual conversation with people just about anywhere... it's easier.

[jerril]

Little white lies are sometimes said to be the grease on the wheels of society.

But if the wheel has a big ol' bump or burr on it, it's probably time to stop greasing it and get it fixed... The problem is that you may have to stop your little part of the machine dead while you're fixing the wonky wheel, if I can stretch a metaphor, so at times it just seems simpler to slap some more grease on it and hope you never see it again.

[semiotic-pirate.livejournal.com]

Society has yet to realize it needs to socialize itself out of using gender specific pronouns. To say "How is your spouse doing?" Rather than "How is your husband/wife doing?" Of course, for an acquaintance, a leading question that allows them to pry more information out of you about yourself is typical. It is sometimes how friendships start to form. However, in casual conversation, with both acquaintances and strangers, they are bound to make assumptions based on what they can observe about you 'in plain sight' as we would say in the detecting business. If you wear a ring on the correct finger, they assume marriage and it then follows that they assume the the long held assumption that marriage equals a male/female pairing. It is ignorance pure and simple. A good response to these fishing expeditions would be to say: "My spouse/partner and I will be attending such and such function." Use whichever you feel most comfortable with or whichever applies. Hence, you would be unobtrusively correcting their assumption and answering their question. Whether or not they 'get' the correction isn't for you to worry about.

*more supportive hugs* If I ever get myself across the pond I'll be doing that in person.

[allthepettylies.livejournal.com]

STOP BLAMING AMERICA.

Wait....nevermind blame on.

I remember when I came out. It wasn't very interesting. I didn't have one of those personal revelation thingies where I thought "I'M FREEEEEEE!", or whatnot. I didn't dread it. I just accepted it and moved on. Granted though, I'm not a lesbian, I am a pansexual (i are speshul snowflake) and my last girlfriend was two relationships ago.

I can only imagine how you felt in the closet. Myself? I was terrified of coming out to my uber religious "will-disown-you-if-you're-gay-teach-the-foster-kid-to-be-intolerant-homos-should-burn" mother. My dad? Not so much. But luckily I never had to experience that feeling that most religious-raised gays have, that "Why God, Why?!" feeling that you're a bad person and unnatural. I figured if God was love, then he wouldn't hate me, after all he made me. Looking back at all that has happened these 18 years of my life, I have decided there is no god, so who now to judge me?

Everytime I see one of your pseudo-speeches (its not really a speech if we're reading it, I think) on how you're not ashamed to be gay, makes me hope that one day, hopefully in the near future, or at least (if I have any) my children's future, that all this bullshit about gays being unnatural will be done with for the most part (there will always be haters).

Meh, cheers to a happy future? *raises bottle of mt. dew in mock toast*

[mauracelt.livejournal.com]

Um, excuse the doltish 'old broad' over here, but what is pansexual?
I'm bi, nuttun speshul, really, last real fem-friend was about 12 1/2 years back, before I met my daughter's dad (who is also ex- now).

[allthepettylies.livejournal.com]

The best way to describe it is a pansexual is someone who is "above" gender, and can date someone romantically regardless of sex, gender, or gender identity.

A lot of Pansexuals end up transexuals because many do not identify with either sex. (Not one, but sometimes I think life would be easier if I were a guy)

Not many people know what pansexuals are, I went around for a long time thinking "What the hell am I?" until a shrink friend told me about it.

[mauracelt.livejournal.com]

Ah! Ok, thank you! I'm not really much into that male/female thing either, but as I was growing up, those of us who felt comfy with either sex were called Bi. Maybe I'm just nothing at all since the way I think is not in terms of sex, it's in terms of the person themself. Not boy or girl, just what goes on up in that head, that's what gets me. :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Awww snowflake :)

I wasn't really afraid, but it was... daunting. Like it could change everything and I quite liked things the way they were. But I really did have an "I'M FREE!" moment when I came out. It was, well, it was like a nature ramble I did once before my sanity rejected them. It was muddy, really muddy and the footing was so bad we all ended up caked and it took us so long to get home most of it dried on (with added layers of wet gunk on top) the mud got everywhere, in our clothes, our hair, our eyes - everywhere... and then I got home and had a shower and.... ahhh, it was that kind of relief to come out of the closet

One day, maybe, every last gay will not have to put up with all the damn stupid crap that is out there

*raises and drinks* to a happy future!

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

The only people who should be ashamed of themselves are not those failing to "cast off the last clinging remains of the closet" but those who make the closet necessary. In that number, I include myself, for my past actions, and my undoubtedly thoughtless future actions. But I have hope that by reading your words and those of people like you, by talking to my gay and bisexual friends about their experiences, and reading and learning what I can, I might one day be able to shed the last clinging remains of my homophobia. When there are more people who have, than haven't, the closet will simply disappear. I want to live long enough to see that happen.

But until that day, don't be ashamed of what we, the straight majority, unthinkingly or deliberately, force you to do to survive, or even just to get through a day without unnecessary expenditure of energy. The fault is ours, the grace is all yours.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

The fault is ours, the grace is all yours.

Thank you

Agreed, to a degree. They certainly have the shame for pushing us into the closet - and SOCIETY has the shame for making the closet necessary. When I pretend to be straight because the angry group is using the f-word or taking about "batty boys" or I'm somewhere wherre I don't feel safe - yes, I'll still hide. Angry that I have to, and maybe a little irrationall ashamed, but I'll hide

But when I decide that my fierce gay pride and unashamed identity should take a back seat because I can't be arsed to tell my brother's friend that Beloved is male not female? Aye, that's shame on me, or feels like it anyway.

It may be societal assumption and background societal pressure that created this situation, but those that came before me (thank all the gods for their courage) went to prison, risked (and risk) death or severe physical damage on a near daily basis for the sake of gay rights and gay awareness. And I shrink back from it because it may be socially awkward or tiresome? I think I owe them, I owe gay people everywhere and even owe myself more than that. I don't know, I can't really put it into words - but people have gone through hell to get us to where we are today... it seems like a betrayal not to honour that sacrifice


One day, I pray for that one day when the closet can be consigned to the heap of history

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

So do we get to see a picture of your and Beloved's wedding rings?

(only trying to be slightly provoking, and gently tease someone I value)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

heh, once you've seen one wedding ring you've seen them all :p

[mauracelt.livejournal.com]

I remember you back in the days of silence and I have to admit, you were not alone. I hadn't told my mom yet, either, when we first met.
I know being Bi is no where near as traumatic, but it still hit her broadside as she Never suspected me to be anything but straight. Kids, married, you know... :/ When I finally told her she was at first shocked, then silent. Took her nearly a week to call me back to talk. Then she just blew up, not in a bad way, in a Mom way. That "Why didn't you tell me sooner, we could have talked and stuff" way that many mom's have when let in the loop. *laughs* She still gets foot in mouth on occasion, but it's cool, it's Mom.

*HUG* I'm so happy that you shut that door and are free of it now. You have a 'better half' openly and w/o conflict, you talk about your emotions more freely, too. I'm just impressed w/ what you've accomplished since 'back then' and have to hug you again! *hug* You deserve it. ;)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It takes a while to build up the courage of coming out. I think many parents get mad when they realise their child has kept it secret for so long, I know part of what hurt my parents was the idea that I DIDN'T come out to them sooner which meant I wasn't comfortable talking to them about it. They were hurt, and ashamed I think, that I felt the need to hide from them. And I don't really know how to go about helping them with that aspect of the closet beyond telling them that people who ARE in the closet AREN'T rational about it.

Thank you and extra *hugs* it's been a long road really when I look back at how much things have changed since those days. Thank all the gods

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

sparky? this is yet another reason why you're one of my favorite people i've ever met online--or anywhere, really. you are absolutely made of awesome.

there are quite a few times when i'm struck by how different certain aspects of my life would be if it had just so happened that i'd been pounced by one of the (unfortunately straight) women i was infatuated with, instead of my husband.

[dontkickmycane.livejournal.com]

you and me both. The saddest part is I'm sure my family would have loved a few of those girls I dated back before I met my man. Only they never knew any of them. It's a regret I can never do anything to fix now, and I think unfair to both the family and the girlfriends.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I think part of the closet is those of us who are/were closeted aren't entirely rational about it and could probably have come out a lot earlier. Regrest are just another flavour of poison the vile thing dishes us up

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thankee. Can I make that into a badge? That so has to be a badge :)

It's weird when you think of all the paths you could have taken. The whole of life could have changed on the basis of a punce *looooves pounces*

[hanks-lil-pit.livejournal.com]

Two Things...

1. Good for you, I think it's a good call.

and

2. There's something to talk about besides mansex? Darn.

Hank

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I agree


I KNOW?! What's that about?

[hanks-lil-pit.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

And.

I have no clue. I could easily fill up the better part of my non-business daily word count with mansex discussion and topics. I don't know what's wrong with the rest of these people.

*shrugs*

Hankster

[gnarlycranium.livejournal.com]

It's not just sexual identity, either. Hardly anyone in this society is actually honest about ANYTHING. Period. Everybody can learn some stuff from this.

Anyway, how about that mansex?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Aye, and it's sad really. We hide parts of ourselves just out of habit...

Hot and heavy, as always :)

[clarediva.livejournal.com]

Beautifully, thoughtfully, tolerantly, proudly, wittily said.
^_^

[dontkickmycane.livejournal.com]

Sparky's a smart one. Worth listening to.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I try. And a couple of minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[jerril]

I can understand the temptation to just ... let some people be blinded by their own assumptions. I can't say as I've ever been in The Closet because I'm boring and straight, but I can relate in a pale-shadow sort of way being a woman on Teh Intarwubs. It can sometimes be so very easy just letting other people assume that I am another guy.

Of course, when I do this I'm just encouraging the idea that "women don't play video games/RPGs/go on the internet/whatever" - when they look around, all they see are guys, after all.

Hardly the same kind of problem as being gay in a homophobic world, but if I stand on my toes and squint I can see your problem from here.

You're a brave and awesome guy, Sparky, and I doff my hat to you. You can always talk to me about mansex. ^^

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It's just easier. Because they COULD be a raging homophobe, and if they aren't they may still have a shocked moment, or maybe they'll ask you to explain or they'll ask questions or suddenly the topic will shift and BLAH, so much effort when it's easier to nod and smile and use a gender-neutral pronoun.

And I imagine the same thing DOES happy online - I actually did come out to my guild on WoW (weird though it may seem, but some of the throw away gay comments where homing damn close to a level I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget) but I can completely understand when the whole guild is talking not wanting to suddenly say "actually, female!" because it's EASIER to just roll your eyes and let it pass.

Thank you. And the mansex will always be a topic of discussion

*Poke, poke*

[caslayerboi.livejournal.com]

Sparky,

Haven't heard from you on here for about a week, are you and beloved okay? Keep your LJ minions updated, will ya!

Also, I don't know if this is appropriate, but I think that I am in need your lawyerly prowess for a bit. If possible, please contact me at jtuanmu at gmail dot com. Thanks, Sparky!