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sparkindarknessI shouldn't be writing, and I certainly shouldn't be bloody posting. But this is the nicest of the options available.
I'm furious. And there's nothing I can do, I'm full of that cold, burning hate filled energy that makes you twitch and want to break something. Sitting still is killing me, I've tried working out, hitting things, screaming, but still only manged to brings things down to a violent seethe.
And that pisses me off even more! I've been like this for hours, ALL BLOODY DAY?! And why? One fucking 10 minute conversation with my bastard ex. If standing on opposite sides of the room spitting venom cvounts as a conversation. 10 minutes in the morninbg and I'm a time bomb of fury all day. I'm pissed at him pissed at me for letting him get to me - it's been two years! And that pisses me off even more - 2 bloody years and he can still affect me so severely. Why can't I let the fuvck go?!
I'm writing and I really shouldn't be, I'm looking for soemthing to throw anger at, but I can see it already, half my characters dead, the other half in pain. I'm too angry to create, I'll just throw death agt the paper with bold strokes of hate and pain. I should have cancelled the RPG group - but I wasn't going to let the bastard force me to change my schedule. Stupid, angry, stubborn pride.
So what do I do? I destroy the game! Half my NPCs are not only dead, but dead in heart-rendingly tragic manners or brutally callously ways. My players are shell shocked, the poor girl who plays a healer was near in tears. The other GMs in the room are in awe and the whole thing got far too damn serious and emotional. The players actually despise the enemy now, outright hate him, a fictional character! Now their characters have changed, mine have changed, my story's ruined and everyone's terrified of me or near-tears over the death of fictional characters who have become almost-real friends.
Then I get home and start breaking things cos I'm STILL too bloody angry to do anything. MY poor b/f is in shock, he's trying to understand, but he's hurt and he just can't deal with this, hell, I can't deal with this. I've been throwing myself into frenzied physical activity, breaking more things, screaming at friends and family. The neighbours think I'm a mad man.
I can't do anything! I've ruined one of my best days of the week because of one chance encounter with that bastard, may he rot.
And now I'm ranting like some bloody angsty teenager. Fuck this, I'm going for a run, and I don't care if it's gone midnight. I'm finding a bloody off-license.
I'm furious. And there's nothing I can do, I'm full of that cold, burning hate filled energy that makes you twitch and want to break something. Sitting still is killing me, I've tried working out, hitting things, screaming, but still only manged to brings things down to a violent seethe.
And that pisses me off even more! I've been like this for hours, ALL BLOODY DAY?! And why? One fucking 10 minute conversation with my bastard ex. If standing on opposite sides of the room spitting venom cvounts as a conversation. 10 minutes in the morninbg and I'm a time bomb of fury all day. I'm pissed at him pissed at me for letting him get to me - it's been two years! And that pisses me off even more - 2 bloody years and he can still affect me so severely. Why can't I let the fuvck go?!
I'm writing and I really shouldn't be, I'm looking for soemthing to throw anger at, but I can see it already, half my characters dead, the other half in pain. I'm too angry to create, I'll just throw death agt the paper with bold strokes of hate and pain. I should have cancelled the RPG group - but I wasn't going to let the bastard force me to change my schedule. Stupid, angry, stubborn pride.
So what do I do? I destroy the game! Half my NPCs are not only dead, but dead in heart-rendingly tragic manners or brutally callously ways. My players are shell shocked, the poor girl who plays a healer was near in tears. The other GMs in the room are in awe and the whole thing got far too damn serious and emotional. The players actually despise the enemy now, outright hate him, a fictional character! Now their characters have changed, mine have changed, my story's ruined and everyone's terrified of me or near-tears over the death of fictional characters who have become almost-real friends.
Then I get home and start breaking things cos I'm STILL too bloody angry to do anything. MY poor b/f is in shock, he's trying to understand, but he's hurt and he just can't deal with this, hell, I can't deal with this. I've been throwing myself into frenzied physical activity, breaking more things, screaming at friends and family. The neighbours think I'm a mad man.
I can't do anything! I've ruined one of my best days of the week because of one chance encounter with that bastard, may he rot.
And now I'm ranting like some bloody angsty teenager. Fuck this, I'm going for a run, and I don't care if it's gone midnight. I'm finding a bloody off-license.
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Date: 2003-08-28 05:41 pm (UTC)I don't know how I'll rebuild trust, especially ones who I can't tell WHY I was a loony. The RP should be OK, I'll pretend I meant it, I have to re-write the whole plot, but emotion just makes it all real, right? *hopes*