The realtionship-fu is strong with this one

[sparkindarkness]

I was reflecting on my past love life the other day (boring client, mind wanders. Plead guilty, the lawyer is having porno thoughts) and came to teh conclusion that after one or two bad (MONUMENTALLY bad) experiences I have no tolerance for high maintenance partners. Every time I was with guy or contemplating guy who seemed to have a double handfull of issues I dropped him/avoided him like the plague. No judgement one way or the other on that one, it just is. (Beloved is wonderfully low maintenance, btw, we both having mastered the art of "i don't know exactly WHY you need that/that is important to you, but I understand that it is and respect that).

It then occurs to me that, with my various irrational squicks, moods, high tension job that can throw my moods out, large drama laden family and general randomness, I may, JUST maaaaay class as a high maintenance partner. So, in true angsty style, I approached beloved with this.



Me: Am I a high maintenance partner? (in the style of all relationship questions, this was asked completely out of the blue and randomly. As you do.)
Beloved: *puts down book.* *pointed look* I'll take "loaded questions" for a 1,000, Bob.
Me: No, really.
Beloved: It's a silly question. If you WERE high maintenance you would go into screaming shitfits if I said you were - I'd say "no"
Me: you'd lie to keep me happy?
Beloved: happy, sad, whatever. Quiet is more the aim at the minute
Me: ha-ha. But really.
Beloved: the fact you're still pushing his after 5 minutes should answer your own question

Hmmm this went on for some time but ended with something like:
I may be high maintenance, but there's no real scale for it. There's some people who don't get any maintenance and some you're willing to break out a shovel for and start clearing out the angst for on a regular basis. Whatever, bottom line is my maintenance requirements do not exceed his maintenance tolerance (his words) and that's all that matters. Besides, what would I do if he said I was high maintenance? Try to change? The Sparky that I am now is the guy he lives with, the guy he loves (squee!) etc, why fix what isn't broken?

I really do love that guy

Comments

Do I know you well enough for this comment?

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

...probably not. So I'll run my intial response through a filter.

Beloved sounds great, and I hope you show proper appreciation for his keenness.

Re: Do I know you well enough for this comment?

[touchstone.livejournal.com]

Can we safely imagine that the original impulse was a specific suggestion as to how to show appreciation? :)

[touchstone.livejournal.com]

I think you've got a winner here. Just based on that conversational snippet, I think I'd like him (though why you should care what I think, I really don't know). It's always informative to see how someone answers the 'does this dress make me look fat' question, or one of its cousins ;)

More seriously, the fact that you could even have the conversation (that YOU feel comfortable enough to ask, and that HE doesn't just say what you want to hear to make the question go away) speaks highly of the relationship. Go you!

[amynnah.livejournal.com]

He rocks. :) He is an excellent match for ya, Spark.

As for the high maintenance thing... at some point or other in all our lives, one can be high or low maintenance. It depends on drama, loss, soul-wracking guilt... all that...

People can change... from low to high maintenance, and vice-versa. ::hugs:: Personally, I think you're very cool, and you keep your temper in all sorts of situations where I'd have my hands up in the air screaming, "LAWD JEEBUS DUN MAKE ME KILL DIS CHIDE!" Beloved seems very laid-back and, again, an excellent match for you. :)

Re: Do I know you well enough for this comment?

[lightbearer.livejournal.com]

Knowing lilisonna ... probably. :)

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

I think you've got good taste in men, and I think Beloved does too.

The problem with "high maintenance" is that so much of it is contextual, and so much of it is subjective.

Re: Do I know you well enough for this comment?

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

Hey now!

Re: Do I know you well enough for this comment?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

heh, to be fair, just about nothing you can say here would be offensive for being too personal IMO - because I posted this in the first place.

If I posted this stuff about my relationship, didn't screen it, didn't disable comments (after posting a TMI post at that) and then got mad because people commented on it? That would make me either an arsehol;e or in need of serious mental help, methinks

Re: Do I know you well enough for this comment?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

awww c;mon, how could that ever be out of placxe on my journal! :p

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

yes, loaded questions tell you so much more than their answers.

Thanks. yes I'm glad we've got that kind of honesty where we can ask these questions and not blow up/lie. TBH we don't noramlly do the emotional digging stuff, mutual understanding is more our way, but it's nioce to know we CAN if we want to

It's not you; it's me. :-)

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

My Southern Sensibilities state that it's impolite to make some suggestions until you've at least spoken to someone one on one, preferably in person, but at least over IM.

Besides, without knowing Beloved's taste, it's hard to decide between suggesting that you offer him whipped cream or just a whip.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Aye, he is just perrrrfect.

Oh gods I need to screen this comment somehow. I can JUST SEE Mad Secretary saying that when the next insane client comes through and there's no way I'll be able to keep a straight face!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)


I think the context is: I'm insane, my family's insane, my job is insane and he is perpetually amused.

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

my maintenance requirements do not exceed his maintenance tolerance - and this is true partnership :D

[stormcat.livejournal.com]

I don't suppose he has a straightish twin in the States? *wistful look*

I may not be qualified to judge...

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

What with being a year older than you and still being able to count all possible definitions of "relationship" (including the stupid grade school ones) on one hand, but...you sound more like "Normal" maintenance to me than high or low.

I myself would define "high maintenance" as "unreasonably needy." Everyone has irrational moods, squicks, and angsts about SOMETHING--it just varies from person to person. Sounds like your "i don't know exactly WHY you need that/that is important to you, but I understand that it is and respect that relationship with Beloved is just the sort that most NORMAL maintenance people have.

Low maintenance, I've been told, can be as big a problem as high maintenance because the partner DOESN'T feel needed. That's particularly a problem for women like me--a lot of men are intimidated and frustrated by independence in women, and women who take pride in being strong and independent find it hard to open up and loosen up with their partner, or to accept a partner's weaknesses.

At least that's the dynamic that a lot of modern male/female relationships take, thanks to changing definitions of gender "roles." I'm sure male/male or female/female have some gender expectation-quirks that result too.

In any case, judging by the conclusions you seem to have reached about yourself and Beloved, it sounds like you are exactly the maintenance level you should be. After all, our maintenance levels change with the moment, just like our moods. Sometimes we want to be left alone when we're upset, other times we need "the shoulder" (among other things) from our partner.

And I really do think that both you AND Beloved are lucky guys. All quirks, angsts, maintenance levels and orientations aside you've found something that works, and that's a lot harder to do than some people realize. I envy BOTH of you for that. :-)

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking the same about Sparky, although the snippets we've had of Beloved's wit are pretty tempting too!

What say we kidnap and clone 'em!

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

If it's "perpetually amused," then it's GOOD insanity.

Does Beloved shun the glory that is LiveJournal? We'd all love to hear his thoughts on Life with Sparky!

[stormcat.livejournal.com]

Works for me, I'm poly! ;)

[jocelyncs.livejournal.com]

Poly? I thought I was up on terms, but can't figure that one. Help? (Laughing optional.)

[stormcat.livejournal.com]

Polyamorous. :)

[home-of-usher.livejournal.com]

Mad Secretary reads your journal??? Does Mad Secratary have an LJ??

O.O

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

I just want to pinch the cheeks on both of you, for being so cute and loving. So nice to see a couple who care so much about each other.

Re: It's not you; it's me. :-)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I think he would be more concerned that this is an either/or choice

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Mad Secretary reads journal occasionally (because she found the link on my computer) but does not actually journal herself. The internet could not take it

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

heh, Bloved has journalled before, but it just dies from lack of posting. He occasionally reads but never seems to be comitted to actually make one

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

It works so far *touch wood*

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

With his family? Gods alone know. I'd be wary, his siblings are nucking futs

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

hey, can I just sell my genetic material on ebay?

Re: I may not be qualified to judge...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

The thing with "unreasonably needy" is it's kind of subjectiuve. I mean, I know if I were dating me (in some kind of narcissistic hell) I wouldn't put up wioth half of my crap

As for the "I don't understand but understand it's important", well that quality is one of the reasons why I have dumped people before. I have irrational quirks, everyone does. There's no NEED to understand it and it hacks me off when past people have prodded and pushed and tried to find out "why" or to "solve it". It's nice to find someone who knows you need X without needing to know why I need it or having to need X themselves.

I tghink asll relationships have different issues, what I've found in male/male relationships more than anything else is that neither partner does do the talking about emotion/relationship thing, there is a lack of communication that runs deep a lot of the time

We balance, and that is enviable methinks

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Excessive cuteness! :)

[loralai.livejournal.com]

i love how he avoided saying either "yes" or "no."

aww... you two are so cute!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

hee,m he wass very very crafty, but probably wise

[hanks-lil-pit.livejournal.com]

I found you randomly, link hopping. You guys sound right-on for each other. This observation is fuckin' hilarious, you've a grand sense of humor.

I find you interesting.

Mind if I friend?

Hank

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

Sure, the more the merrier

[hanks-lil-pit.livejournal.com]

Nooo...

Thank you.

*laughs*

Mission accomplished. I can't say that I'm very entertaining, but I certainly look forward to hanging out.

The Hank