Today is a blah day, introspection about responsibility, control and kinks

[sparkindarkness]

I have work to do, but cannot seem to convince myself to do it. I am going to regret not clearing some units on Monday.

I'm having a listless, grumpy day, not helped by it being a bad light day as well. And still too damn hot.

Mad Secretary has a day off (to spread the insanity) and I have borrowed (or had foisted upon me) Trainee Guardian. I know you've got to be nice to the Trainees but she's too ditzy, too perky, too eager and too damn meddling. Another excuse to do nothing.

I had one of my brief, irrational, "I hate my success" vanity moments. One of those really stupid moments where it flitters through my mine "I wish I weren't a lawyer and I wish I didn't have profitable investments and just had a peaceful, boring, low paid factory job." Gasp at the stupidity, people - GASP. Of course, I only get to make such stupid lamentations because I've never had to do a "boring factory job." And all my silly regrets have the little irrational addendum "oh, but I want to keep the money and all the shiny stuff."

Which leads me into all the ramblings of my brain and how the rough edges come together as instincts war against each other




Meh, I'm having one of my "I'm sick of responsibility" moments. I'm tired of deadlines and life and death decisions and doing stuff that is so damn important. I'm tired of being integral. I'm tired of my actions mattering. I'm tired OF mattering. I'm tired of having to be right and good all the time, I'm tired of not being able to screw up or just throw it all aside and say "screw it". I'm tired of not faking a sick day and having an impulsive holiday because of all the damned responsibilities and damned consequences and damned serious serious duty.

I'm an irresponsible, lazy person at heart, I'm also reactive not pro-active. Being motivated and dutiful and sensible and structured and organised are just not me. And I hate responsibility - it stems, I think, from a part time job I had in an office during my A-levels. The boss and colleagues there was (I thought at the time) generous and really gave me a chance - by giving me all kind of power and responsibilities - me! Little young, inexperienced me!

Of course it was a con. They gave ME responsibility over any task they couldn't do - or even tasks that were patently impossible. Then when I couldn't do them either they'd use me as a shield for the higher ups. That's what responsibility has come to mewn for me - responsibility = blame/fault.

And now my whole life seems to be about responsibility/fault/blame. Get this done or X will go to prison or Y will lose her kids or Z will be deported or we will be sued or we will lose our license or I will lose my license or general badness will rain down. At home I play with money and it used to be fun to move moeny around - it was a game, but now it's another damn job and it's so serious and dutiful again.

And then there's my politics and my faith. My politics is all about personal freedom and personal responsibility - no unjust or draconian laws, no laws without proportionate, necessary reason. It's all about personal freedom - about not being ordered around unless someone has a damn good EXPLAINABLE reason to order me - and even that's not being ordered so much as being convinced. It's all justice and compassion and protection and freedom. But it comes with a demand for an independent, questioning mindset and pro-active moral reasoning.

And my brand of paganism? (Note MY brand not necessarily anyone elses) again it's personal freedom and personal responsibility. There are no holy commands and divine laws or infernal punishments. The Lord and Lady won't give me a good slapping for 'sinning' I don't even believe in sin. But again it's being responsible for your own morality, your own actions and your own path in life.



And while I would't give any of this up for the world and I agree passionately with all of it, I do feel like I'm warring with my instincts at times. My instinct feels, a lot of the time, to be more, well, submissive. I don't think I am instinctively a leader, a guide or a pro-active person. There is an element of me, a strong element, that just wants to kick back and let others lead, just do as I'm told and let other's stress it out. I don't agree with the instinct so I fight it, it just feels awfully tiring at times.

I don't know how to sum it up - I think a rough analogy is to say: I'd be happier with someone forcing me to get up in the morning than me reading the clock and forcing myself to get up because I know I have to.




In some ways I think it explains some of my kinks (cut for those with delicate squicks)


Though switching is fun, I much like beloved to take control - forcefully and strongly - even painfully :) Because I think I need a space in my life where I'm NOT in control. Where I can't screw up and where nothing is my fault or responsibility - where he's in control not only of what's happening and what we do but actually in control of me. If everything else has to be so controlled and commanding and free then here I want to be the one controlled, the one commanded, even the one who isn't free. It's feels sooooo GOOD to just let go of the reigns and let someone else pick them ALL up - all the reigns, even the basic ones most people always keep.

And yes, Darren is a Mary Sue :P

Comments

[girl-working.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling... I want more responsibility at work, more responsibility = more money but I'm also a lazy lazy girl...

And I can be dominant, I just prefer submissive... And I love that my soon-to-be-husband (8 days!) is willing to play that way. :)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

congrats!


It's nice to find someone who is compatible

Preaching to the Choir

[speaks.livejournal.com]

I could have written much of what you have said. Except for the paganism. I'm a Catholic and that does skew my view differently. I DO believe in sin but its really more of a Karmic Justice thing. When you do bad stuff, the universe dissaproves.

I find in general I'd love for other people to take the responcibility off my shoulders, but almost every time I let that happen, I end up dissapointed and dissatisfied.

Its probably a trust issue as well. I tend not to trust anyone to do anything. Something I try to work on, but have little success.

As a result, the rare moments I just go with the flow are precious to me. I was so much happier in EQ when I was just a member of a guild and not an officer, or authority figure. (Of course, being a cleric in a raid guild has its own unfortunate responcibilities. When I drink at parties, I tend to drink a LOT because then I'm not responcible. I can't drive. I might say something mean (not like I don't when I am sober).

To me, heaven is that feeling I get when I wake up early on a weekend, look at the clock and think... ah, I can stay in this bed as long as I want to.

Re: Preaching to the Choir

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I generally have the opinion that if you don't do anything or you let others take the lead you don't have any room to bitch if it goes wrong. And when it DOES go wrong and you haven't done anything to try and stop it you are at least partially responsible (which explain by overactive political stance)

[zero_pixel_count]

*grins*

Is it good or bad when real life does things that make you feel better about the plausibility of your characters? :P

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I am not yet sure.... possibly both? :)

[zero_pixel_count]

:D you just sounded *so* much like Dai, only with, y'know, a different accent and a lot less fucked up... It was kinda freaky.

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

It's like a giant weight crushing down on you. It makes it hard to breathe. And you can't think of anything that will help.

And I hardly think that's a squick-worthy kink. I'd say that hubby and I are about 50/50. We sort of trade off, though there's not a schedule, but we both enjoy both roles.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

yep so you just shoulder it on.


Well, it's not a power sharing in life thing, it's more a D/S S&M kink think

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

gah. that sounds familiar, in places. i think we end up with a lot of the same type issues for similar but different reasons.

i've had the super-responsibility, good-paying, high-pressure job, i have the factory job as something help out with the bills and something to do that involves being away from the 'puter and kids and stuff, and strangely enough it NEVER works out the way its supposed to. the job i'm at now i'm supposed to be a COG. the whole point is to wander in, not think about anything except what i'm writing the next day, babble about music, play nws songs much too loudly, throw some boxes around, punch out and go home.

but it appears that i'm THE BEST COG EVER. which means, that despite my call outs, interesting hair cuts, foul language, blatant refusal to show up on time anymore, and actually saying NO, i REFUSE to do this dammit!--they keep handing me the keys and asking me if i wouldn't mind doing this and this and this and this and this and this....and i walk into the backroom, stare at the mess, resent the omg stupid, and find myself TAKING CHARGE of my OWN FREE WILL. ARRRRGH. haaate.

*blames dia!*

ahem.

anyway. might as well stick to the respectable high pressure job that pays, because you'll find yourself in the same position in a sucky job, too, and then you'll be pounding your head on teh bricks because you're not even being compensated for your trouble.

[really, i just want everyone to fuck off and let me write. it just so happens that i don't get paid for it. ;)]

i think i'm a sub because...i'm a sub. *laughs* i feel better when there's someone i trust running things and i'm not quite as stressed out about all the very small and important details that i can never keep track of because i also have to remember to smile and say hi, and make sure my socks match, or that i have pants on, or that i left the rent agreement as a bookmark in the prince again. i like a *certain* level of security--who doesn't? on the other hand, my baseline urge is to stomp on everyone else's rules, because i really don't see why i should have to follow them. anarchist sub is already a conflict issue. *flail*

i can't even say why i end up in charge of things except that i find something i want to do. and i do it. and i guess it's human nature to try to find people to follow because the next thing i know i turn around and there's people following me. this is not, in fact, what i want--i WANT to go do my own thing and NOT be responsible for anyone else but me. so it completely freaks me out, dumps a whole lot of stress on my head, and that is generally my cue to sit down and fold my arms and refuse to do anything (hi stone!). unless i really like what i'm doing, which just makes the conflict infuriating.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Curese the cursed competence! You ened to go in an be completely and utterly insane.

Damn, that didn't work, did it? Definitely Dia's fault.

At least I'm paid for being stressed out? :)


See I've become a sub in the bedroom but a top in real life *sigh* and I think I am far more of a sub than i would have been BECAUSE I have to be a top and don't want to be. Anarchist sub!

You like to take charge - of your independent self? :) But people follow you and need slapping

[home-of-usher.livejournal.com]

heheh was about to say, 'you know... Darren sounds awefully sue-ish now', but I guess it doesn't need to be said :-P

I think you've dicovered the lamment of so many other Quote/unquote "responcible" people. I know I read your post and I think to myself, "god, how many times have I bitched to gnarlycranium about stuff like this in the past few months. Heck the past few weeks!".

It is the curse of all those people who have decided the machine cannot turn without them actively moving it. We're not greeze, we're the gears themselves. And once we're in, we don't get the chance to stop. So many things come to depend on us. My sense of responcibility prompted the creation of a personal motto which states "if I don't do it, it doesn't get done." Which sadly seems to sum up quite a lot. Thankfully I have the ungodly patience to deal with it. But a lot of the time, while I'm not successful or have lots of money and nice shineys, I want to throw it all in and give up. Because for all the weight of responcibility, the shineies and money doesn't always make it worth it.

So what does make it worth it I wonder. A sense of accomplishment? Knowing we're financially secure? Retirement? I don't know what. but for us chronic cases of responcibility overload, I don't think we can Stop being responcible any more than we can stop wearing undergarments. Sure! we can get away with it now and then, but we can't seem to make it a lifestyle very quickly.

[gnarlycranium.livejournal.com]

Darren a Sue? ........What, we're surprised by this? ;)

As for YOU. *pokes the Jaer* I still say you have some kind of estrogen overload, which when combined with the patience, leaves everybody expecting you to take care of em and taking advantage. If you WERE doing it for plenty of money and shinies that'd be one thing, but you're not-- you're doing it so that there's clean dishes every so often and the house isn't plunged into an utter sty.

[home-of-usher.livejournal.com]

Bah! this is Not to be blamed on chemicals! I just believe I'm either the only or the second responcible person in my household. when it comes to JOBS I still think I'm more responcible than half the co-workers and at times even the boss is a slacker.

but why am I he only one doing it?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

heee, all hail king sue!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

nah, he is a Sue. it is known.

And once we are gears we just have to keep on turning, even if we would like to stop for a little while

It's not only "if I don't do it, it doesn't get done" but also "if I don't get involved, it's my fault when it messes up" and I can't handle that. I have the patience not to get angry or anything I just feel WORN because it's not ME. Some people love the power and the influence and want to be a leader... but it's not ME. It's like I've been cast for a role I didn't audition for

I think in the end you keep doing it because it defies logical sense to stop doing it. Maybe not emotional sense, but it goes against logic and societal sense

[mrmeval.livejournal.com]

Right now I'd take a boring factory job.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

That's what i'm tempted by.

But at the same time I'm sure I would hate it even if I did.

[mrmeval.livejournal.com]

I've had both ends of the spectrum. One with "sick business syndrom" and another that paid well but was saddled with a pUnion that mostly wanted me to get their credit card.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

in other words:

There is crasp everywhere at every level so we all have to shovel what's thrown at us :)