Sometimes it's best to leave the moral support at home.

[sparkindarkness]

I understand Ms. P that you are a delicate, fragile person who needs moral support. That’s perfectly understandable, you’ve had a hard divorce and we want to make this as easy as possible.

But WHY did you have to bring your mother who looks like a reincarnation of Boudicea who has spent the last thousand years of the after life chewing on lemons and sitting her amble buttocks down on thistles and sharp rocks?



She sits there chewing (not chewing ANYTHING you have to understand, just chewing. I think she’s actually a ruminant who has to chew the cud) and glaring at everything and everyone for daring to exist. Oh and she smells of horrible flowery old lady perfume which she must wallow in for several hours and then use to wash all of her clothes. This stuff’s so strong that being in the same room with her for more than 10 minutes makes you feel like your eyes have just been pepper sprayed. The Hounds are whimpering in pain and in hiding.

If you were going to bring her you could have asked for a female lawyer. We would have arranged it, we’re nice like that. And it would spare me having to deal with your mother who seems to have a pathological hatred of men. How were you even born? No, wait, don’t answer that. Really. Don’t. Do you have any idea how much money is wasted while we all sit there politely while she growls out her distrust of any and all men and how foolish you were to marry a member of my sickening gender? You’re paying for me having to listen to this. Really, I don’t care, I get paid whether I’m doing my job or absently fantasising about my bus driver while your mother rants her way through her issues. It’s all the same to me.

She sits there and questions everything I say. Part of this is man hate, I think. I am male. I must be lying. It must be some kind of rule. Or possibly it’s part of a vast male conspiracy against righteous hags everywhere. Everything I say resulted in cross examination (because that’s really going to work on a lawyer). Again, lady, the time I spend convincing your mother that I am not part of the secret male cabal out to take over the world and chain her to her combination oven while she’s bare foot and preganant is still going to be charged.

She then thoroughly endears herself by having a bitch fest when I ask Ms P to confirm the old hag’s instructions. I’m sorry, Ms. P but I am acting on YOUR behalf, not for her Majesty, supreme queen of the harpies. I cannot take her instructions without you at least nodding your pretty (and silent) little head. No, my insisting on talking to you is for legal reasons, not because I am flirting with you (I am SO not interested), so please tell your mother to heel rather than screaming like a rabid rotweiler. And yes, I am charging you for this wasted time as well.

And we finally end with a long, involved and painfully detailed rant of the foibles of your soon-to-be-ex husband and what the queen of the harpies wants to do with him. Yes, that absent look in my eyes means I am thinking about the bus driver again. And yes, I am charging you for this time as well.

I think I need to upgrade my haddock to deal with thios creature. The Hounds won’t go near her – I think they recognise her as kin.

Really, I wish people would realise that these interviews are charged by time and the more they waste the more it costs. And you can guarantee that the Hag is going to bitch about the bill.

Comments

[oxfordgirl.livejournal.com]

...are you going to laugh at me and be offended if I note that I'd thought you were female until now?

I don't know why, I just... did. Possibly through old associations with a Lovecraft-mythos writer friend who also had a thing about Hounds. (And possibly because I'm slightly sexist, though unintentionally and I do fight against it, and I tend to assume that Good Writers On The Internet are female.)

Um. Forgive me?

Giggled at this one as well, btw. Keep up the good work :)

[home-of-usher.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* it could be that Overactive sensativity that Sparky just exudes my the bucketful...


or it could just be because he mentions so much about the busdriver and his BF without making much reference to himself. But then again you could have checked his Info and found out. Or maybe your gay-dar is broken.

Personally I find Sparkly simply unique and interesting, not to mention funny and has a british accent, I wouldn't care what gender I am, I'd fnd him attractive. ;)

and for the record sparky, that was mock hittin on ya. so please don't sic the BF or my own spouse on me. :-P

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Ah, Valley It, you know everyone wants me :p Of course your spouse will have to pine away in a jealous rage... hmmm, can you pine in a rage?


Overactive sensitivity? Oh dear gods! Must increase butch level! *finds some motor racing with car crashes to watch*

True, I guess my posts don't expressly specify gender.

[rampagingturtle.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, I pegged you as a man immediately, and picked up on the gayness very shortly thereafter (tongue-in-cheek offers to bear your offspring notwithstanding.)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yay! Someone who realised I was a guy. Heee, people who hit on the guy usually catch teh gayness soon after.

I'll put you down as surrogate mother for our adopted albanian kids :P

[lightandashes.livejournal.com]

I wonder what that makes me, then. The first thing I noticed was that my gaydar was having a field day with your posts. XD After that it was simply "hrm, has boyfriend. Has to be male."

Why? I have no idea.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Now, does that make you hyper gay or does that mean I ooze gayness? :)

[lightandashes.livejournal.com]

XD sounds like a superhero name. Hyper Bisexual Girl! She, along with her trusty sidekick Sparky, ooze gayness and haddocks wherever they go!

Somebody should write a story like that.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes they should... just to annoy the Christian right if nothing else

[lalajia.livejournal.com]

*finds some motor racing with car crashes to watch*

But that's what I do! Am I a man now? ;)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yes. yes you are. Who needs expensive sex change surgery? :)

[oxfordgirl.livejournal.com]

Nah, I doubt it's the busdriver/BF thing - actually I recall being ever so vaguely disappointed in an "Oh, blast, she's either straight or bi-in-het-relationship" way when I saw the reference to the BF. :)

I never find gender to be at all an important thing in my opinion of someone - merely a part of the personality, like voice or country of origin or eye colour.

My gay-dar's all borked up, I guess... or, no, wait, if I assumed that sparkindarkness was a lesbian, does that mean my gay-dar's fine but my, uh, gen-dar's borked?

These questions and many others...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... is your gaydar broken if you mistake a gay man for a gay woman? Hmmm... I'm not sure. Either it's fine because you still got the gay part right or it's really really broken :)

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

I checked the info, no reference. Honest. I thought Sparky was female as well.

::shrugs:: Physical gender or romantic preferences don't change that Sparky is interesting, funny, and an excellent writer.

(Though now the silliness that is inside my head is picturing a male with nova hair containing teacup-Chihuahua throwing Hounds, instead of a female with same hair and contents.)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Damn, I need to make a public announcement.


Heee, thank you :)

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Hm...can't remember where, but when I first found this journal (through morvoren poking me to read the Lawyer Language post) I went back and read every non-fic post in this journal. Somewhere in there, there's a post that clearly indicates ...wait, I remember!

It was the post regarding the hairdresser. Combine "boyfriend" with "we don't get many men with nice long hair" from the hairdresser = homosexual male.

Er..here it is.
http://sparkindarkness.livejournal.com/105222.html

Huh...the post isn't even very old. I just read all non-fic posts in one night, so I can't really separate things chronologically.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Ah yes. It's not very old but I think it does make a point that I don't always refer to my gender since it's unusual

Every non-fic post in my jounral? Be careful, that must be dangerous for the mind.

[littlegreenbook.livejournal.com]

Now ya see, I HAD checked his user info before, and saw nothing that disagreed with a yaoi fangirl ^_^;

I used to write yaoi fanfics myself, and I am very much female... -shrug-

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Alas, maybe I need to edit it.

But then I would be a fanboi. And I always thought that when I started being a 'boi' that I would have to reach for the shotgun

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Nah, I'm not offended :) Journal's like that, you can't always get a lock on gender. And most people who write fic seem to be female.

Thank you and no apology necessary.

[oxfordgirl.livejournal.com]

most people who write fic seem to be female

Yeah. Filthy fic writers. *cough* *looks away* It's source material, all right? Source material in a narrative format. Not fic at all. Not even a little bit. Source material. It's different.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

LOL, suuuure, that's our excuse and we're sticking to it.

[oxfordgirl.livejournal.com]

But, it's, like, shared world, so it's really canon, so it can't be fanfic because it's connected with our characters and, you know, develop-in-play and...

Yeah. I have become a filthy fic writer.

And a filthy student.

And sometimes I sleep with males.

Excuse me while I hang myself.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

hee, I usually do original fic, not fanfiction. It's mine ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHA!

*starts singing "filthy" by Scissor Sisters*

[koneko-kitsune.livejournal.com]

I tend to assume that Good Writers On The Internet are female

Don't feel bad, I'm the same way. I thought Sparky was a female too, until a happened upon this particular post. Then I just felt sheepish. Baaa.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

LOL, and another, i give up, the world does indeed think I'm female :)

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

The sad part: Eventually that old woman will have turned her daughter into an exact replica of herself.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I hope not.

Actually I think she will continue to dominate her daughter until her daughter can't raise her head without permission in triplicate

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

.....i'm so terribly, terribly sorry. =|

[y'know, someday you're going to have to publish these, under a closely-guarded psuedonym. just because they need to be shared. for the sake of law practitioners everywhere.]

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks. You get chaos, I get idiots. Want to swap...?

Hee, stealth publish and sell them to law schools around the country. I will call it "Abandon all hope..."

Thanks :)

[thisdaydreamer.livejournal.com]

I can add it to the staff recomendations at my bookstore.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Or an essential safety guide?

[cadynaisabella.livejournal.com]

Your posts always make my day...

...and I always knew you were a dude. A gay dude. Who writes WONDERFULLY and knows what a Ventrue is. I was content.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yay, thank you.

Knowing what a Ventrue is is an essential life skill. Yes, yes it is. :)

[meridae.livejournal.com]

Heh, after an appointment like that, no wonder your hair tie broke!

And for the record, I knew you were a carrier of the defective Y chromosome - but one with REALLY HOT HAIR which excuses a multitude of evils. But not the best fun type ones that involve hounds and haddocks.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Aye, the stress builds and suddenly POP, there is HAIR everywhere. Behold and fear the power of hair!

I knew you knew :) cos all teh luffles I sent were male.

Heeeeyyyy.... defective? Have you being going to the Nettled Boudicea training academy? :p

Hot hair excuses everything. It is known.

For most of the trials in your life, there is hot hair. For everything else, there are hounds and haddocks.

From someone who's way too anal about genetics [COS]

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Wait....logic here:

Defective Y chromosome = gay.
You inherit a Y chromosome from your father.
Father = gay?
A long line of gay men having sex with women and fathering male children?
Hm...maybe once of twice, but I sorta doubt the staying power of something like that in the genetic distribution.

Re: From someone who's way too anal about genetics [COS]

[linamishima.livejournal.com]

Ahh, but you see, the whole 'denal' thing was deliberately engineered by the defective Y chromosome, so that those with it will deny all, marry and produce sproglings to try and make themselves normal, and only then give up and hunt out other men ;)

Re: From someone who's way too anal about genetics [COS]

[meridae.livejournal.com]

No no no - *all* Y chromosomes are defective, puny little useless things that they are.

Therefore defective Y chromosome = male.

I would *never* link gayness with defectiveness, especially nmot in relation to my lovely LJ friends (that and I'm scared Sparky's hair would get me).

Now being male and defective - definitely ::tongue in cheek::

Thank you for clearing that up....

[uberleechen.livejournal.com]

Well...even if we're willing to accept that you're right - that that which causes maleness is a defect, this is how it would be:
X chromosome = normal
Y chromosome = defective X chromosome.

However, the little problem is that as soon as we start to look at non-humans....well, in birds the female is heterozygous and the male homozygous (like male = xx, female = xy).

The Y chromosome isn't useless. Just look what happens to people who don't have it? (And don't have an extra X chromosome to make up for it.) - You get Turner syndrome. It causes the characteristic features of the condition, including short stature, learning problems, and inability to conceive a child (infertility).

Yet another side note: X chromosome is called the X chromosome because X+X ( | + | )(which are both single, straight (or as straight as chromosomes get...) chromosomes) = X when bonded together. X+Y ( | + ' )(Y is just like X, but shorter) = Y. It's only when put together that we see the characteristic "letters." And even then, not well.

That, and I deny my defectiveness.
I will have spent $800 on clothing/jewelry this month, won't I?

Re: From someone who's way too anal about genetics [COS]

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Heee, spoken like a true gynocrat :) You can join the Feminist warriors when I launch the feminist symbol in the sky when I get scum woman back again.