Dread

[sparkindarkness]

Tomorrow is not going to be a good day

A well attended family gathering – and gods’ know they’ve been bad for me in the last few months.

One I can’t avoid, can’t leave early and can’t even hide in a corner.

After months of avoiding many of them, not answering phones et al

One I can’t make a fuss during, can’t have an argument in and can’t stab people with salad servers without risking making a very hard day even harder for dad

Knowing that various relatives will most certainly not be under the same constraint being a) not as close to dad/Nana and b) not considering themselves to be doing/saying anything wrong/rude/unpleasant

On top of having to spend time in an actual religious chapel

With a member of the clergy

With a demand I be “low key” and “discreet” in such a location in front of such people (I’m not going there, I won’t and can’t without having an argument or fuss which can’t happen)

Feeling emotionally raw and conflicted and waiting to see if burief grief will unearth itself during the proceedings

And desperately not wanting to make this day about me.

Gods give me strength