National Coming Out Day part 2

It is now National Coming Out Day UK (one day later, don’t ask me why) and after much umming and ahhing, I’m deciding to share my own coming Out story.

It’s not that it’s a big secret, I’ve alluded to it in passing before, after all. My reluctance stems from the tone of the day – everyone is so happy and so celebratory and bouncing and sharing happy stories and tales of how much they are loved. I am reluctant to play the Debbie-downer since my story isn’t a very positive one.

But, after thinking and talking about this, I think it’s necessary to be the Downer because we need to remember that Coming out is serious, it can and does have a cost, it is risky and it isn’t all love and acceptance. In particular, we need to address this message of duty we’re seeing. That all GBLT people SHOULD come out, have a duty to come out, that they’re betraying us by not coming out etc etc. This has spread to such a degree that we have inordinate straight people in various fields encouraging, demanding and even shaming GBLT people into coming out. We have an idea now that being closeted is cowardly or failing. This is a terrible burden to put on people and we need to remember the cost and the risk of this. We also have a lot of people dismissing GBLT people’s coming out as casual or unimportant – or even ascribing an ulterior motive, like the homophobe who thought Anderson Cooper came out “for ratings”.

And the importance of the moment. It is becoming rather nastily common for straight, cis people to announce they are “coming out” about things which have nothing to do with being GBLT. I have seen people coming out as allies (ugh, no), coming out as Tories (ye gods) coming out as Geeks – and any number of other gross appropriations. I think recognising the risk and the fear may be part of countering this disrespect and casual dismissal and usage of such a powerful moment.

 So, my story. I came out at age 14. I knew many many years before hand but I also knew from the constant contempt, shaming and homophobic language that my family was not going to be a welcoming place. I kept my mouth shut. I couldn’t risk alienating my family, not just because I was a financially dependent teenager. I come from a culture of intense family ties. I grew up with people I called cousins whose only relation to me was the same great-grandfather or even great-great-grandfather. Our family reunions have attendance in the hundreds. And everyone is in everyone’s pocket, knows everyone’s news, everyone’s business, is in and out of everyone’s houses, constantly doing each other favours, sharing property, sharing insights, sharing opportunities, sharing gossip, sharing lives. I grew up with a list of dozens of phone numbers to aunt this and uncle that who, should anything ever ever happen, I knew I could call and they would be there within the hour. And the expectation that I would do the same for them. We didn’t have Christmas Card lists, we had Christmas card books. Family Was Important. All important.

 But I had a friend. I had never not known him, we grew up together, we went to nursery and primary school together, our mothers were friends when we were both in nappies. I was sure I could trust him. I was wrong. When I told him, he hit me – cracking my jaw and kicking me while I was down – and we never spoke again. He did tell many other people though, leading to a… difficult school life that I’ve already mentioned.

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 It’s not always easy. It’s not always the best time and, sometimes, it’s not just difficult, it’d down-right dangerous. No-one should feel the need to come out before they are ready to do so – and only they can know their circumstances and whether it’s safe or not.

Let us celebrate those who come out. Let us recognise what a powerful experience it is. Let us welcome those who come out. Let it be clear that we’re ready to support and help those who want to come out. Let us acknowledge the evil of the closet and what prejudice has done to us and our society. But let’s also stop this pushing people to come out – it’s not fair, it’s not sensible and it’s not right.

Edit to Add: And lest we forget: at a Coming out Day party in a gay club in Moscow, a gang of masked men attacked and put several of the partiers in hospital.