I want to take a chainsaw to my family tree

Ok this is complex. But in the not too distant past, Disapproving Homophobic Aunt (one of the many members of Disapproving Homophobic Family) had and *ahem* moment with the law. And, like anyone in my family with legal issues, she called me and I done Sorted it Out for Her, Discreetly. And even implied to inquiring family that it was providing a valuable and generous service to one of the various self-involved alleged-charities she likes to flutter around.

I wish she hadn’t, she certainly has money enough to hire a lawyer rather than expect familial freebies. I’m particularly annoyed because I am not going near that branch of the family because they are homophobic arseholes who treat me like shit – but come crawling when they want something. I’m also annoyed with myself for not telling her to take a long walk off a short pier. Damn overdeveloped sense of family duty.

I also think that, sometimes, you need a lawyer that you aren’t related to – and there’s some secrets that your kin really does not want to know. Really does not want to know. Really really really.

Anyway, that was then.

Since then it has become apparent that said Aunt (who, as you may recall, I want nothing to do with) has, for whatever reason, decided that the gap between me and vast amounts of our very close family is too wide and I need to “return to the family fold” (perhaps she’s been reminded how useful having a lawyer in the family is. Maybe it’s some kind of misguided sense of gratitude, who knows?). This involves lots of people who I have taken pains to remove from my life now going out of their way to insert themselves back into it and drag me back into theirs.

Buuuuut none of them have actually changed. Including her! It’s all “oh we drifted apart, tut tut how unfortunate; let us rebuild these bridges, come back” without acknowledging why that gap is there and, more importantly , continuing to be the same homophobes they always have been. So it’s treating me like I’m single, talking about future female partners, disrespecting my relationship, ignoring/shunning Beloved and more exhortations to “sort yourself out” in various passive aggressive ways. That seems to be the phrase of the day “oh X is visiting, you’ll like her, if you can sort yourself out” or “you’d fit right in there, if you could sort yourself out” and “it’s great to know B, so long as you sort yourself out.” Of course no-one (well, except for about 4 or 5 of them) is going to overtly say what “sort yourself out” actually MEAAAANS but the context screams (and he does as well).

So everyone wants me back in the family at the urgings of influential and misguided aunt (who is still a homophobe) but the reasons why I’m not IN the family are still there. And, worse, members of the family who I find tolerable are all urging me to go for this because they have “extended the olive branch” (since when?) or are “trying” (very trying indeed), or they want to “rebuild bridges” (and if I’m happy with them in ruins?) or even “look they’ve forgiven you” (excuse me?). The main one is “look they’ve made the first move” which is apparently some vast concession on their part – which means I’m supposed to make an equal concession. I.e. be dragged into all these family circles again and ignore all their damn homophobia. “Do I have to make an issue of it, they did make the first move?” “Just let it go, they did make the first move.” “Yes it’s annoying, but they made the first move to bring you back.” With lots of bonus exhortations to “meet them halfway” (whatever that means) and “you could at least make the effort” and similar tones.

Which means I’m now on the path for lots of nuisance with kin I thought I’d finally rid myself of with an extra side-bonus of opening rifts with yet more family because I refuse to let the homophobes beat me with their olive branch.

I need more booze.

Dan Savage and the f@ggot slur

Ok so Dan Savage and the colluders at GOProud are having a little imbroglio over the useage of the slur f@ggot.

I’ve made it clear before what my stance is on slurs – I find them completely and utterly unacceptable. Slurs serve to dehumanise

I also am not even remotely a fan of reclaiming, though I recognise that as a personal choice and leave it up to people to self-reference as they wish.

I have also made it clear I do not think insulting uses of slurs are reclaiming. It’s reclaiming to take their weapons and use them to reinforce and strengthen yourself. It’s not reclaiming to take their weapons and then USE them against your fellows. Reclaiming is beating the swords into armour, it’s not taking those swords and doing the stabbing yourself.

That being said, this is also very very very much a community discussion. There are a gazillion and one reasons to be pissed off at Dan Savage – and by all means leap on them and have at it because he has said some really fucked up things. But he is a gay man and he has far more ownership of that word, as one of that slur’s victims, than straight critics.

If you are a victim of this slur, if you are a gay or bi man, if this is a weapon used against you and, like me, you vehemently disagree with Dan – or any gay or bi man – using this slur in this method, then critique, speak out and object to this. Because, like me, you think this is wrong and some words should never ever be used – and certainly never as an insult.

If you are NOT a gay or bi man, if you are not a victim of this slur then this is not your place to criticise (or defend) this word use. It is not appropriate for people who are not a target of this slur to lecture someone who is on how he may or may not use that word. Even if you find one of those targets to quote who agrees with you (and do NOT use me that way)

It is also extremely inappropriate for straight people to judge whether or not a gay man has internalised homophobia. That is not your judgement call.

There are some discussions where one does not have the standing to speak without being presumptuous in the extreme. And the in-community discussions – and certainly arguments – of marginalised communities are definitely some of those times.