I give up, sometimes I cannot understand my husband

Do you ever feel like you're speaking another language even when you're both clearly speaking English?


Beloved: *flicking through satellite channels while I try to read* We're missing channels! *gasp*

Sparky: *looks up thinking sky has screwed up* which ones?

Beloved: All the sports channels.

Sparky: The only sport you watched was football and you've resolved to boycott all things Fifa since the World Cup decision, right?

Beloved: Right

Sparky: So neither of us actually WATCH sport, right? I mean you actually rang up and cancelled the sports package because of this

Beloved: Right

Sparky: Sooooo... the problem is?

Beloved: I can't get these channels!

Sparky: But... you wouldn't watch those channels? Do you want to watch sports? Do you have a new hobby? Are you unboycotting?

Beloved: No, I'm not going near football again.

Sparky: So what's the problem?

Beloved: What do you mean? I can't get all the channels! That's the problem.

Sparky: You cancelled them! You don't want them! If you had them you'd skip past them!

Beloved: But we don't have them!

Sparky: WE DON'T WANT THEM. Why would you subscribe to channels you won't watch?!

Beloved: Because we don't have them!

Sparky: See? This is why you aren't allowed to buy anything, ever.

On denials in apologies and defence and why it fails

Ok, so I go round to someone's house and steal their money. I go through their drawers and remove all jewelry I can find. I load up any expensive, easy to move electronics like MP3 players, smartphones, laptops. I grab any loose cash and on the way out I find their keys and steal their car so I can move all the loot.

Days later I am arrested. The police find all the stolen goods with serial numbers proving they're form the victim's home, they find my finger prints everywhere, they've caught me on CCTV and I am now at a fence trying to sell the whole load. In short, I am caught red handed.


Faced with my outraged and upset victims I say “I'm sorry. I violated your home, I took your possessions, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm not a thief...”

*RECORD SCRATCH*


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