The Sparky self-destruct cycle

So Sparky continues to quest of putting the Sparky brain back into vaguely useful functioning

Part of this involves, for the first time ever, of me breaking the Sparky Trigger Cycle.

It’s a special fail cycle I have trod so often when I am triggered:

1. Triggering begins. Sparky ignores triggering. Keeps pushing, pretending nothing’s wrong
2. Triggering is rising up. Sparky goes from “ignoring” to “deliberately poking to prove he can handle it”
3. Sparky cannot handle it. Has the screaming meemies, a burn out and general badness.
4. Sparky retreats into shell of the meemies. Shoves all the badness into a big dark hole while avoiding the whole world
5. Self-anger kicks in – how weak, how pathetic, you’re just giving in! Seriously embarrassing
6. On the back of anger dives back into the fray. Only now it’s like jumping into a firefight after stripping naked and painting big targets over vulnerable areas.
7. The Meemies come back with a vengeance
8. BOOOOOOOOOOOM
9. Keeps coming back early despite boom – rinse repeat until enough is hammered down and (usually) the particular trigger has gone.

This is a cycle of failness. Because it is foolish. It doesn’t cure anything, it’s self-destructive. It repeatedly involves jumping into the water with lead boots on, getting out, breaking your legs, then jumping in again with heavier boots.

It’s amazing it’s lasted as long as it has and the reason it hasn’t lasted now is because I had multiple badnesses from multiple sources which were already prolonged, was already exhausted and worn out from work (physically and emotionally), was hurting and exhausted from the marble stairs plummet, and then had one of my most major of major triggers leap out at me and keep coming back – and its still ongoing. Things have not been going smoothly since August.

So my constant, “collapse, back off, and dive back in” didn’t work because it relies on the piranhas having died/turned into a new threat like crocodiles or at least backed off a little. Not that it ever really “worked” per se.

Which is why I have been such a mess lately and it hasn’t bounced back. But there is a plus side – I have actually been forced to acknowledge that, yes, there is an issue here.

And I’ve said that repeatedly and I know it seems like pretty empty “progress” but it really is. As from the self-anger mentioned above and how I have mentioned in the pass – I do not accept the idea that the Sparky brain could have the mentla issues (oooh distancing language, switched to the third person. Don’t think I can’t spot my tricks!). Which is, of course, a whole great big lump of of stinking ableist prejudice. Sure I’d accept anyone else could have triggers, issues, mental fragility? Sure I’ll stand and roar at the very idea that they’re wrong to be hurt and to need help. But let the idea that I may have issues and we’re in “how very dare you? Of course not! Not me! I’m too strong for that!” Yeah, no. Badness there. Definite badness

So yeah, having an “I am Sparky, and I have some problems” is a step. What is a bigger step is “I am Sparky, I have some problems and I need to fix them and I need help to do it.” Isn’t a step – it’s a huge great human canon ball of a leap over pits filled with fire and acid and rabid lemurs.

As to how I’m going to sort all this… well. Yeah, not sure. Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, but there are like more steps after that? Apparently? Damn. Can I do the first step again please? I think I can handle that one.

Bah, I have a friend who probably knows more about all this than me and she’s coming down and we’re having a long talk of things that aren’t issues honest but may touch on them in a lets-not-freak-out-Sparky fashion.
And I’m having lots of talking and hugs with Beloved. He generally thinks I just need to drag it all out in a great big gloopy mess, which I think yeah but also, well, then what? Because being dragged out isn’t a guarantee that the ugly will then go away, it’ll just not be pushed out of the way.
Still that is the Not!plan. Primarily it revolves around Not Making Things Worse and Not Ignoring Things and Hoping They Go Away. And lots of talking and poking and schmoopy comforty stuff. Or less schmoopy comforty stuff and more kinky fun stuff, which is also good.

Therapy, Cake and Boobies

F came round yesterday for a long day of eccentricities

Sparky:Hellooooah

F: BEHOLD MY VAST TRACTS OF LAND!

Sparky: Ye gods, what happened?

F: It’s my new bra, stunning aren’t they?

Sparky: Did you get planning permission for those?

F: I’ve applied for their own postcodes. This one is Boobton-on-Cleavage, this one is Boobville.

Beloved: *walks in* ‘ello F

F: BEHOLD MY MAGNIFICENT BREASTS!

Sparky: You have to give the greeting points for originality.

Beloved: Damn, those are deadly weapons

F: Yup, if I turn round quickly I can stun a bull. HI! Hi-yah! *starts twisting rapidly to demonstrate the skills of the ninja breast warrior*

Beloved: Your Ninja-booby skills are totally wasted on us

F: I know! Totally unappreciated in my time. Wait, are your neighbours straight?

Sparky: Yesss…. *with due suspicion and dread*

F: Ok, be right back *wanders outside*

*from outside* BEHOLD MY MAGNIFICENT BREASTS!

Beloved: It’s a good thing our neighbours already think we’re weird.

F: I’m back. Now I need Booby-fuel. Where’s the cake

Sparky: I think we’re out of cake.

F: Damn… wait, don’t you find baking therapeutic?

Sparky: Oh subtle, that, really subtle.

F: *going through my big bakey book* This chocolate fudge cake looks really therapeutic. And damn, that cheesecake is positively brimming with healing.

Beloved: Oooh, look at that treacle tart

F: Oh yes, that one is very therapeutic. And… can he make this?

Beloved: He’s made it before

F: Therapy. Perfect therapy, right there in that sticky chocolate, mocha, coffee rum cake.

Sparky: I’m sure this must be ethically questionable.

F: It’s a universal truth among all healthcare professionals and those who study the most pained of minds that cake is always a good thing

Sparky: Except dieticians?

F: screw them. I’ll set the boobies on them if they touch my cake.

Ok we did some productive talky and analysis stuff as well. Which was… painful. But we had cake. And my inner daemons were threatened with Death by Booby. We watched a lot of TV, we also watched a lot of episodes that have previously had me turning off the TV and crawling off somewhere but they served to make me do the TALKY thing. But there was more cake. And then there was hot chocolate with baileys in it.

Hmmmm Baileys.

I suppose it’s one way to start sorting things, aye?

Some of the wrongness related to DADT

There has been all kinds of stuff around DOMA and especially DADT lately that I think needs an examine

First of all, DADT has joined DOMA in being hit by the courts – only it has been hit much harder with judge Virginia Phillips declaring it unconstitutional
And it, and I quote “orders the government and Defense Department to immediately “suspend and discontinue any investigation, or discharge, separation, or other proceeding, that may have been commenced under the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Act.””

Which is of the shiny. Oh yes it is.

Unfortunately, the Obama admin has asked for a stay on it – because they’re going to appeal. Just as they’re going to appeal the Massachusetts ruling against DOMA

There is so much wrong here that I’m going to have to break it down to cover all the wrong especially since the wrong applies in so many other areas as well which has really lead me to comment:

Separate Barracks

Yeah that spectre is actually being raised. Yes, even after previous denials. Really, separate barracks? Because ZOMG THE GAY MAY SEE ME NEKKED? As I have said before – the chances are that the gays have already seen your straight backside all nekked.  Since DADT does not make the gays disappear that means they’re already there, the stealth gays are in your showers!
And separate barracks? All gays in one barracks? Do we mix gay men and lesbians? What about bisexuals and pansexuals? Do we really think that’s even remotely productive to have seperate barracks everywhere the American military is for the OPENLY gay? (Remembering that there’ll still be STEALTH GAYS! In with the straight people).

“Training”

Second big fail – they need to train the troops and the officers! If the repeal comes too quickly how can they possibly teach the American army how to react to a DADT-less reality?! And it’s a not uncommon trope – the idea that people need to be taught how not to be homophobes. People need to be trained how to “deal with” GBLTQ people.

Uh. yeah. What are the training requirements here? Don’t kick out people who come out as GBL. Simples! This is not an advanced concept that should prove difficult to grasp.

Don’t treat GBL service members like shit. If people do give them shit then slap them down. I just… boggle. What kind of advanced training do they really think is necessary here. You used to investigate and kick people out if you thought they were GBL, if they revealed they were, you kicked them out. Now… don’t. Behold, you are trained.

Now, if by traing, we’re talking “we need to stop people being homophobia arseholes” well, guess what? Not going to happen. Not in our lifetime. Homophobic arseholes exist everywhere and continue to exist everywhere and will exist everywhere for the foreseeable future. You’re not going to be able to train people – let alone an entire military – not to be homophobic arseholes. What you can do is make it clear that said arseholery is not acceptable – and if you need trained on that then, seriously, I despair because that’s pathetic.

We need to keep DADT to protect GBL troops.

Yeah, this one can die right now because it’s all kinds of fugly. This is another argument I’ve seen raised on more than one occasion in multiple circumstances – the idea that straight people are pushing us into the closet or need to push us into the closet for our own safety (related to this is the wonderful argument of straight people delaying our rights because they fear ‘backlash’)

Do you know what? I’ve faced homophobia and violent homophobia and have spent no small amount of time in doctor’s offices and hospitals because of it. And sometimes, to protect myself, I will hide and closet myself and lie and pretend. Do you know what I do not need – and no GBL person needs? We don’t need straight people in authority ORDERING us into the closet to “protect” us.

Because removing DADT won’t force all those GBL soldiers out of the closet. It will give them the OPTION of coming out without facing repercussions. The idea that, to protect GBL soldiers from homophobia, that straight people need to deny GBL people that choice is beyond ridiculous.

Do you want to know what would be more “protection”?

Removing DADT so that when a soldier is being tormented because of their sexuality they can actually talk to the powers that be and get help. Do we need to talk about the lesbian who was raped and blackmailed with having her sexuality revealed to her CO if she didn’t co-operate? Do we need to talk about the gay soldier who was sexually abused and had to sleep in kennels in dog shit under threat of having his sexuality disclosed. Do we have to talk about the gay sailor who died and his partner had to learn of it on the freaking NEWS because he was forced in the closet?

How about protecting against that?

Or how about the millions of GBLTQ kids out there hearing over and over that the very thought of having people like them in the military is such an epicly horrendous thing that Department of Defence, Justice and the President are having conniption fits about the whole thing? How about protecting against that?

Disrespecting American soldiers
I also want to know whether American troops are inferior. Or is it just the American government that thinks so?

Because Britain, Canada, the Netherlands, Australia, New Zealands – hells, a couple of dozen more – all have openly gay troops serving in the military. We also didn’t have epic conniption fits over it. Are our soldiers better? Are our soldiers more decent, more honourable, more professional, less bigoted? Is the American government saying that American soldiers just don’t have the same standards and respectability as those form other lands?

So, are American troops worse? Or do the powers that be

Sad thing is, most of these issues are not even remotely unique to DADT, which is what has had my head a-whirl. Because from the idea of protecting us by closeting us, to the utter terror of ZOMG TEH GAYS SEE ME NEKKED to the idea that you need special knowledge and training to handle us through to the ide athat something that has gone without a hitch so many other places will be ZOMG IMPOSSIBLE here – well it’s the same old same old