Spark of Wisdom: Safe Spaces

This piece originally appeared at Womanist Musings where Renee has very generously allowed my random musings to appear on her excellent blog

Having just come back from Pride (and still not slept the clock round which is what I really need to recover from the last 4 days of wonder without sleep) I am going to natter on about the wonder that are safe spaces.

I am a great fan of safe spaces. Because the heteronormative world is not a pleasant place. It just isn’t.

It has constant little pricks always poking you over and over again. You open a book and there’s straight people, you look out the window and there’s lots of straight families, you turn on the television and lo, straight folks abound. Adverts are 99.9% straight, television is awash with straightness, the radio’s playing yet another boy loves girl song. It’s everywhere – and of course, the accompanying little whisper “you’re not normal, not normal, not normal, not normal. You don‘t belong here.” Which is damned irritating at times.

It has a lot of little stabs as well. Those girls there discussing, well, something, which is apparently “so gay.” Those kids over there are having an argument, apparently one of them is a “fag”. We turn on the television to see a loving homosexual couple! Who have died. Again. But don’t worry, straight female lead has a sassy gay friend to make it all better.

Then of course there are the great big hammers. The fear, the running, the hiding, the hospital visits. We know the badness, I don’t need to mention it.

Living in heteronormative society can be a little like constantly having your eyes poked with sporks. It’s irritating, it’s painful and can lead to severe injury.

Then we come to Safe Spaces. In a safe space, the sporks are absent (or at least massively blunted). Safe spaces are places where we do belong, places where we can relax. Places where we don’t need top be on guard or afraid or constantly having our eyes sporked. For me, walking into a place I consider a safe Space is like 10 hours of therapy and a very large Bacardi (mock not my drinking habits). It’s like taking off your tight shoes and tie after a very long day – except it’s a day that has lasted months and the shoes are so tight you can hardly walk and the tie is stopping you breathing properly.

Which is why we need to respect people’s safe spaces. We need to recognise how important they are. We need to recognise when we are tourists in other people’s safe spaces. In short, we need to make sure we don’t take sporks with us into the safe spaces. Those eyes get sporked enough.

Now, so far, I have indulged in saying the bleeding obvious, I rather think. But safe spaces are not just physical. My house is largely a safe space – because I reserve the right to hit people with hammers if they bring sporks into it. But if I turn the television on? Sporks abound.

Safe spaces in media – and certainly on the internet – are just as vital. Browsing through the internet is infinitely more irritating when the screen throw eye-homing sporks at you. There are parts of the net I won’t go near because I know there is a risk of severe eye-sporkage. And many others I enter at my own risk and very carefully.

Safe spaces matter, even on the net. To me, it is vital to know there are places I can go, people I can engage and things I can do where I don’t risk a severe eye-sporking. There is information I wish to consume, conversations I wish to be part of, things I want to learn – but I don’t want the cost of that to be being pummelled by repeated straight privilege and homophobia. So I love many net safe spaces. I love that there’s a huge part of my RSS feed of doom which is nicely labelled “places I can go even when I am feeling vulnerable, hurt, bruised and all kinds of shit, and they won’t make it worse.”

Sadly, my whole RSS feed isn’t in that category. Because we can’t hunker in safe spaces and, alas, the world is not a safe place. Instead, I have several other feeds full of blogs I follow but have an increasing chance of eye-sporking me. one of those feeds should only be entered with protective clothing and a very large axe.

And why do I go to these places? Why do I tolerate even minor sporkage? Because all the information I need, all the things I need to learn, all the conversations I need to witness do not happen in places that are safe for me. I wish they did, but they don’t. So I have to venture out, especially if I want to confront my own privileges.

Which comes to the most awkward point of all. Sometimes I will enter into someone else’s safe space, someone else talking about a marginalisation. I speak little, learn a lot and hope to go through my own issues – but these places also throw sporks at me. They are safe places for some people, but certainly not for me and mine which leaves me in a conundrum. Part of me wants to speak,. part of me wants to comment “do you realise how grossly straight privileged that was?” Part of me certainly wants to yell when I’m confronted by someone throwing vast stinking homophobia

But that is there safe space and their topic and their issue being discussed. Even if reasonably motivated and perfectly valid, my criticism, my comment, would be a derail. It would be damaging their safe space, their focus, their goal even the space’s reason for being. If this is a place that focuses on race, on sexism or ableism then running in with a GBLT derail, even a valid one, is going to hurt their conversation, their goal, their space being about them and, ultimately, their safe space. And I may have damn good reasons for speaking up with my heavily-sporked-eye but will I gain anything but hurt? And do I risk sporking other people?

There is no good answer there – but that’s the crap we’re left with with our messed up prejudiced society.

Do I have a point for this post? probably not, my sleep deprivation levels are high and I’m not thinking as clearly as I could be. But if I were to draw anything out it would be: respect safe spaces. Respect them as powerful, as necessary, as vital. Respect that everyone needs their safe spaces, their spaces where it is about them, their spaces where they are not other. But that also means respecting other people’s spaces – and realising that we can’t, alas, stay in our safety zones.

Signal Boosting – a call for help in NYC

usullusa is going through several kinds of hell after coming out to the family. Parents have not taken it well and are making life quite intolerable. All kinds of chaos and terrible shitness abound – I am so deeply sorry for them, no-one should have to endure this rollercoaster.

As detailed here usullusa is looking for part time work, casual work or otherwise in the NYC area, help bring some order out of the chaos.

Too many families treat their children appallingly at a time like this, if you can help please drop a line.

Why I’m not a fan of the Big Society

The idea of the “big society” that the Tories are bringing out is the idea that instead of bumbling government controlling local services and instead giving it into the hands of the people – local people, charities, more direct accountability, blah blah blah. Call it responsibility, call it liberalism – actually I call it a bloody bad idea, myself.

The idea is that when we are in need we won’t turn to government to help us. We will be powerful enough to do it ourselves with our own communities. It means using volunteer organisations and community groups to solve problems rather than the state and state services stepping in.

Yeah. This is my not impressed face.

First of all – let’s call this what it is – classic Tory cuts. Because personal accountability, relying on charities et al are wonderful smoke screens for cuts. You cut the services and rely on people and charities to pick up the slack (assuming they do or can). Ranting about government waste is a classic way to remove government services – or privatise them -in the first place. Which brings me to the next part – how many private businesses are going to be involved in this scheme to bring power back to local people?

I see a lot of cuts and privatisation by the back door here. The same old same old for the Tories. It also talks a lot about “volunteerism” which, let’s be honest, means “screw you, help yourself.” That’s just a service cut and relying on unpaid labour to try and fill the gap. It means libraries and parks and after school services and homeless shelters and crime prevention and all the rest being slashed to the bone and if we want them we have to pay for them – privately. It’s a cut. It’s yet another Tory cut to people who can afford it least.

Secondly – when it comes to services I think government is the best choice. Government tends to be more accountable than private business and even charities – ESPECIALLY religious charities. And most certainly more accountable and unbiased than local community

Do I want my local community to take over local services? No. They’re overwhelmingly straight, completely saturated in their straight privilege and casually homophobic in a way that only Tory MPs can manage without any kind of repercussion. And if all these services and local facilities were in their hands I’d have 10 times the hoops to jump to ensure that they are not applied according to prejudice – assuming any kind of hoop jumping would work. I don’t want my local facilities to be in the hands of my homophobic neighbours. I don’t WANT to have to rely on the whims of my local community if I am in need of help. I don’t trust them. And I don’t think I’m the only marginalised person who fears relying on the whims of their neighbourhood.

As I’ve said before when talking about a jury of my peers – I don’t want it. My peers are prejudiced, ignorant, self-absorbed, self-centred, small minded, incompetent and generally horrible people. And the same can be said about the local community. I hear people talking about the close knit communities of the past and I shudder. The very idea horrifies me. Close knit communities, neighbourhood busybodies and the local gossip circles are some of the biggest enforcers of conformity there has ever been. Anyone who is different from the mainstream is not going to come out ahead when the “local community” gains power.

As for charities – I have seen few organisations more bigoted, more prejudiced and generally more inefficient and awful to work for than charities and I’ve suffered under more than a few – and that goes trebly in all cases when the charity is religious in nature. I work for and have worked for many charities – mainly GBLT charities. And every single time we have made an alliance or common ground with a straight charity we have been shafted. They’ve taken our money, our time, our effort and then told us to go screw ourselves. We create and work on homeless shelters for all – but then there are no facilities or help of the gay homeless. We work on domestic violence shelters and networks – then find only lesbians and bisexual women are welcome – and them grudgingly.  And when it comes to religious charities, words cannot express how vile it has been. I do not want local facilities and organisations run by organisations that despises my very existence AND are fighting for legal opt outs to the laws that stop them treating me like shit.

Which brings me to thirdly. Why are local communities, charities and businesses supposed to be any more competent or accountable than government? Why are people working part time, in their spare time or through hiring a private management company (oooh would that be privatisation?) supposed to be ANY more competent, cost efficient or capable than people actually employed by the state to do these things?

I don’t buy the idea of state incompetence – not that they’re not incompetent – but that they’re somehow more incompetent than Fred Blogs down the road. He’s incompetent as well. Why do we think he is magically going to spawn abilities? He hasn’t mastered how to lock his garage yet.

And lastly – who is going to do this. I think jslayeruk covered it well here but to reiterate

Who is going to volunteer, reach into their own pockets, take the power back, attend the meetings, do the organising, have the oversight etc?

Who is going to be able to? Who will have the time, the money, the energy?

It won’t be the poor people. It won’t be the marginalised people. It won’t be those who are most dependent on local services and facilities. It won’t be those who need help the most.

It will be those who have the time for a project, who have the free time, who have the spare cash to spend and push it the way they want.

This is not a scheme that’s going to benefit Jane Blogs off the council estate or Fred Jones, working double shifts to try and keep ahead of his debts. They don’t have the time, they don’t have the money, they have so many other things in their life to deal with that they can’t spare a fraction more for this. This is going to benefit Marjorie Pompous-Snobbington. Again, classic Tory policy.

This whole thing stinks like a hot mess – a classic Tory hot mess at that. The usual victims will suffer – the poor, the minorities, the marginalised – and the rich and the prosperous will reap the rewards.

A fashion question

Tell me, if your Gay Best Friend is blond but dark hair would suit your ensemble better, do you change the GBF or just make him dye his hair?

I mean it’s a compelling question. Teen Vogue has just announced that GBFs are the new MUST HAVE ACCESSORY. Forget hand bags. Forget shoes – GBFs are what you need ladies! And it’s nice to see we’re training teenagers to look at us as items and things used to complete the ensemeble.

But your accessory must match, right? I mean, not every woman has an entire stable of GBFs to pull out to match every outfit – so how much must you co-ordinate your GBF with the rest of your outfit? Maybe you could shave him and have a collection of wigs?

Of course, you COULD treat that GBF as a person rather than as a sidekick or accessory – but that would be quite novel. Would you get points for being original? After all, the GBF as accessory meme is hardly new and you’d think it’d be getting tired by now

(And no, the little editors note at the bottom saying don’t objectify GBFs means bugger all after a full damn article of objectification and treating us as accessories.)

You know what? There was a fashion not too long ago to have certain dogs as accessories - little lap dogs. And people got angry because you were treating animals the same way you treated your shoes or handbag. Can we have a little of that respect please? You wouldn't treat your damn Sharpe-chiouaoua-shitzu like this

I am sick to the back teeth of it – and it’s not just in the media and the magazines. It’s real life. Whether it’s objectifying us sexually (trolling pride parades and gay spaces to see gay men kiss) or descending en mass to the local gay bar to play tourist and try to make as many of the potential GBFs pay attention to your straight self as you can. One of my favourite pubs is a no go area now because it is so saturated by straight women trolling gay men that it’s not fun.

I’ve lost count of the number of straight women I have known for 5 minutes – or less – suddenly decide I am their pocket agony uncle. Or assume that I give a damn what they’re wearing. Or believe that a few minutes casual acquaintance means I am now they’re best friend ever

And have you ever been introduced to someone as “Hey this is Sparky, my gay friend” yes, I am a gay friend. Not just a friend, not just Sparky – no, gay Sparky, it has to be known. It is clear – my sexuality is an essential part of the damn introductions now. Kind of like dropping in that your bag is Gucci and your shoes are Prada – make sure they know your “friend” is gay. Maybe I should write it on my business cards “Sparky – Lawyer and Gay BFF!”

And that’s before we get to the personal questions (which is part of a choice – you alternate between deeply personal questions and conversations where everything said is all about her and we’re supposed to nod at the right moment – maybe occasionally inserting the odd “fabulous” or shocked expression or “gurlfriend!”)

I have friends. I have female friends. I even have female best friends. And they’re friends with me not because I’m fashionable or in or an accessory – they’re not even friends with me because I’m gay. They’re friends because they like me, the person. Not me the accessory. Not me the stereotype. Not me the fashion trope. Me, Sparky – a guy who happens to be gay. Not Sparky the GBF.

H/T speaks