Eurovision 2010!

Ok, Eurovision was… well dull and boring this year. Will not be as amusing as previous years as I just didn’t have the fodder I am depressed.

Still looking at the songs in (bewildering) winning order!

1st Place – Germany: Really not my thing. Not my style of music or singing. I guess it’s good for it’s genre? I didn’t like it even slightly and am kind of surprised it came in first… even with the dire quality of the other songs. It’s pretty bad. And she sees to be mangling an accent through her singing. No performance either

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKPH8FLgzf8

2nd Place – Turkey: Ok… wow I liked this one a lot. AND it had the feel of a song which would do well outside of Eurovision which most Eurovision songs don’t get at all. Definitely a keeper for me. This is one of the few Eurovision songs I’d actually go out and buy. Totally should have won over Germany. The armoured spaceman? Meh, if you’re going to go for Eurovision whackiness you need better than this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XwlTisbPdw

3rd Place – Romania. Yes, I like it A bit cheesey but it’s good, good talent, good voices, decent song. I prefer Turkey’s but I’d say it’s better than Germany’s. And I like the bit where the female lead makes it clear she has a voice, so there – even if it is rather grossly out of place.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDjll7TYIEE

4th Place -Denmark: Dull dull dull, DULL. No personality, no performance. The song was nice, non-objectionable and utterly lacking in any real character. The show was, no existent but not distracting. It was easy listening, the kind of thing that will come on the radio and make your granny smile (actually, my granny liked Meat Loaf). It’s not a bad song, it’s quite a good song and good singers but… it’s so BLAND. It makes boybands look charismatic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBUHxPNQa1w

5th Place – Azerbaijan: wow, I think she has been licking plug sockets to get that hair. A classic Eurovision ballad, pretty standard but better than the endless bland pop songs (Albania, Denmark, I’m looking at you). She has some pretty back up dancers and she has a decent voice. Only decent though. 5th place? The boring songs seem to be climbing the charts this year

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TutHjYklQhk

6th Place – Belgium: Perhaps one of the few songs this year with actual personality. He has some genuinely good talent, the song had real feeling and real emotion behind it and far far more character than most. It’s another song like Turkey’s that I would hear in the charts and not think it out of place. This should have been up there competing with or beating Romania or even competing with Turkey for first place, not letting Denmark and Azerbaijan push it down with lumps of bland!

7th Place – Armenia: An actual attempt at a display for once, but it‘s laughably awful and distracting to see him cavort with a vase, classic Eurovision ballad and she has a damn good voice.. but the song? Um.. apricot stone? I have a feeling that it may be a culture-specific reference. And she seems to utterly LOSE it at the end, she’s trying to put a whole lot of power into the song that she just does not have! It’s like watching a karaoke singer trying to sing Whitney, completely ruins it. I think she ran off stage to get herself a strepsil

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBGQEiEKzwA

8th Place – Greece: Remember everyone, that Greece is the home of democracy, the foundation of culture and wisdom and learning. Some of the greatest minds in all history came from Greece. And clearly this was a long long LONG time ago. the dancing is rather dodgy but also extremely well done, the dancers are skilled, the choreographer excellent – but clearly all were on acid at the time. And they’re singing something that sounds vaguely menacing and ruining it with the all white outfits.

Still severe kudos to them for not singing in English as everyone tends to and actually having a song with character and national flare, especially with that not!violin. But yeah, not great but I have a feeling it could grow on me. Better than Denmark’s attempt!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ3MwZQpjco

9th Place – Georgia: Eurovision ballad, her back up dancing is a half hearted attempt at a display and is annoyingly distracting and not appropriate… but she’s GOOD. Damn good. I can’t see why this is here while Azerbaijan’s ballad is way up there at 5th? And how did Armenia beat this one?! I boggle, I really do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDs8v15I6Qo

10th place – Ukraine. Ok… the song is actually good, well the lyrics are good. But the singer, the song? Ugh. She is straining on every note, shouting more than singing half the time, flat as a board the rest. Feels like she’s trying way way way way too hard. She’s aiming for angst and if she JUST sings EACH note WITH FORCE AND HOLDS IT OUT!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbLA0wLI-dE

11th Place – Russia. Ok… that was a surprise. A different style and general very good if you like that kind of thing. I get the feel that one or two notes are just a liiiiiitttle out of range of the singer. I can see why it didn’t go higher because it isn’t the kind of song that wins Eurovision – but I have to acknowledge the very very real talent there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx516tQ-2vg

12th Place – France A new style for France that’s for certain, and generally a lot more lively and interesting than most of the songs this year. And a good performance. This should never have won, I think it was awfully simplistic for that – but it should have come higher methinks, given the stuff above it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeN7U2E1n2E

13th Place – Serbia. AT LAST something to SPORK! Man, you need to not only sack your hairdresser but you need to hunt him down and all his progeny because – ye gods man what is THAT? When they took off his traditional clothes I was hoping like hell the hair would be a wig, no such luck. And what’s with this, strip off the traditional clothes and left wearing… that? What is this, if Primark made music videos? And the end dance move? Gods it was so awkward, I’m sure there are cheerleaders more practiced than those backing dancers

I think this is a pro-Balkan song by the words and the over the top national dress but… it’s comic. It really is it’s so overdone. Oh and the song is straining him (seems to be a theme this year) and he keeps giving the camera looks which I think are supposed to be sexy but make me feel vaguely unclean. Still kudos for getting close to the spirit of Eurovision

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHdOLhDoBVs

14th Place – Israel Hey, kid go back to school! What is he, 14? Kudos for singing in Hebrew – because that is not a language that seems to lend itself to music easily. It’s a beautiful ballad and he has a good voice but those hard edges really are picked up by the mic badly. I’m having a huge disconnect by the emotional, balladic song and the teenybopper face. Still he is good and I think he probably deserved a lot better than he got to be honest – considering the stuff above.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFLSW2rX-3A

15th Place – Spain: Ahhh the eccentricity, always good to see other countries not taking it seriously. It’s nice to see a song not sung in English as well and it has a definitely Spanish feel that gets kudos from me. The people in fancy dress as toys was nicely different – but flat. He’s not a good enough singer, it’s not a good enough song and it’s not weird enough to get oddness points. Apparently they mobbed the stage over this… por que? Maybe to make it stop?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdIqba_94mE

16th Place – Albania: more personality than most. The violin is an interesting touch. Is anyone else powerfully reminded of Adam Lambert? I don’t know, most people seem to hate this one. I can’t say I like it but I can’t see it as overly objectionable. Bit of a no-rate bog standard pop song. And is it catty for me to say she shouldn’t wear those trousers? I think there are a lot more higher ranking songs that are worse, though. I mean, it’s pretty damn bad – but there’s a whole lot of crap up there

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCpnm7fURBU

17th Place – Bosnia & Herezegovina: Why do your male backing singers look like accountants? I mean the song is “Thunder and Lightening” not “Adding and Subtracting”

Other than that.. bhuh? 17th? SEVENTEENTH!? Is all of Europe on crack?! Why is THIS at 17, a genuinely good song, talented performance, great singer down here at 17th while blah and crapness beats it up the ranks?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9hliLwWXxM

18th Place – Portugal: Another Ballad. Ok, I give – yeah there’s been a lot of Ballads, but how come some of the worst ballads did quite well, where the singers struggled with every note and strained themselves up there near the top, while quite decent ballads (labeit not exactly good ones) languish down here? I mean she caught every note, held the power and the strength, no strain. I’m lost. I can only assume that singing in Portuguese didn’t go down well?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hkr-dxUNZg

19th Place – Iceland: Cheesey pop song! Hon, that dress? No. But… wow she has a voice. Oh yes she does Ok, yes it’s a cheesey pop song, yes it’s overdone, yes it’s silly and not immense, but she has some great talent and a great voice. The song is a lot of nothing but the singer is impressive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFrGSAKB5bo

20th Place – Norway: Classic ballad – and very good but… I have 2 links here. One is the first I heard and how he sang on the final… gods he’s AWFUL. Flat as a board, flailing at those notes but not quite hitting them. He’s seriously out of tune. Looking at the BBC link is considerably better and his voice is immensely better. I actually feel for the guy being that good and having such a bad night. Probably would have done much better if he was on top form, especially given the quality of his competition. I feel for the guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VilaPpTxRU0

http://www.bbc.co.uk/eurovision/contestants/2010/norway.shtml

21st Place – Cyprus: It’s good… but it’s not my kind of music at all. For its genre it’s very good, the singers are good. It’s also not a very Eurovision song, a bit to deep, a bit too much substance. It’s not the right place or venue, methinks and explains why it’s pretty far down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwuaxlNBJgo

22nd Place – Moldova: Spinning violinist! Cheesey Eurovison pop at its finest with the dodgiest dance moves you ever did see – and oh my gods a saxophone? AND his sunglasses! Are they all dancing to a different choreographer? Because they’re not even remotely co-ordinated together. And look at them costumes! And the lead male singer has clearly gone for an inetresting and daring hair style that suggests male pattern baldness. I don’t know I kinda like this one, it’s so perfectly Eurovision, especially with the completely arrhythmic pelvic grinding. But yeah, I can see why it scored poorly – it’s a trainwreck. Sure the train is gold and covered in sparkles and was carrying a load of pure shiny awesome – but it’s still a train wreck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UuPuedZNe4

23rd Place – Ireland: Ballad, decent, but boring. She wasn’t a bad singer – but it’s hard to tell. The song was rather non-taxing. Sure there are ballads further up where the singer has seems to strain or really push for a note – she hasn’t, it’s been consistently good, no problems. But the song doesn’t sound like demanding one, it doesn’t let the singer display their talent and skills and the song itself isn’t good enough to carry it through. Even at the end where, in true ballad style, the singer starts holding notes and going for some power, she just doesn’t, the notes feel foreshortened, ending abruptly. It’s nice. Nice and dull. Dull dull dull dull. Very mundane, very non-special

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMDszSBuppA

24th Place – Belarus: Nom nom, those guys are cute Again there’s something of a gap between the ballad and the youthful face. Hmmm the first singer is also a LOT worse than the other, it has a horrible droning, flat quality – and the problem is the second guy is good enough to REALLY show it. Whenever they sing together, his voice is cutting through them like a flat buzzsaw. It really ruins the choruses for me – this drone ruining everything. It also kinda shows that English is his second language – ever get the feeling a singer doesn’t understand what he’s singing? It probably could have been a lot better if they’d have cut him out, even though he is the cutest. Maybe he was having a bad night like Norway?

Which is a crying shame because they had sparklies! Butterflies!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BJ-4D0vc1o

25th Place – UK. Yes we’re last, AGAIN. Oh dear oh dear, last year we had a Norway moment. Then there was Scooch (oh dear). And this year? Ok, he’s fugly, it’s dodgy pop and he appears to have killed his back up dancers. Ok it’s poor, very poor, it’s dire, it’s dated. And he’s struggling even with this pathetic little song, oh gods he didn‘t even get CLOSE to that note?!

On the song? It has all the depth and meaning of a Cliff Richard song?! Seriously what is this crap?! Did we expect the hot pants to win it for us? Because we certainly weren’t relying on his singing talent or the song.  We came in last place – and we probably deserved it.

I am saddened. Seriously, like Britain doesn’t have musical talent? Seriously? *fumes* we could so own this contest if we actually wanted to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8363R9XbGY

On the results… don’t ask me. Political voting. I have no reason for Denmark doing so incredibly well – or Germany for that matter – while so many really good songs were so much further down. Go go political voting I guess. Were some a lot more flat or bad on the night than what I have here?

On the general style… what happened Eurovision? Previous years have brought us Nazi Drag Queens from Outer Space,  the Frankenstein Brides a-Knitting, Spanish women falling over in too-high platform shoes, the French Invasion of PINK!!!,  the falsetto Angel & Devil grinding away on stage, the Cave Men Drummers with Giant Horns and even the Latvian Pirates!!!! Where’s the silly? Where’s the glitz? Where’s the fabulous over the top costumes and displays?! (BTW link me any great silly Eurovision performances I’ve missed because nothing is as epic as epic Eurovision)

Where has it all GONE?

Even the more serious ones generally had one or two that could shows us some decent dance moves and displays. Moldova tried, Turkey had their armoured spaceman, Spain their people dressed as toys. But yeah, not the same. This was 100 times more boring than past years. I am Disappointed. I fear my commentary this year is not nearly as amusing as previous years from simple lack of content. I expected lots of sporking and giggling and you gave me nothing

The Tories are going to protect our right for trial by jury

One of the things the new government of doom is going to do, as well as screw the poor, mess with welfare, hand GBLT protections over to a raging homophobe and pat little Cleggy on the head while they give him a not-really-reformed Alternate Vote system that they will then campaign against, is they will protect our right to a trial by jury!

Which is yet another reason not to like them, in my book.

See, I’m a lawyer. I have 2 specialties – family aaaaand, my main, criminal law. Criminal defence to be exact.

And I hate juries. Oh, sure, I can see the historical reason for juries. Back in the day when the local powers that be would whimsically decide your fate based on whatever the hell they wanted it was far better to be tried by a group of your peers who weren’t living in cloud aristo-land with no realisation at all of how people actually lived and spent their weekends invading France because that was the national hobby back then.

So historically? Yeah, they were a great idea. Now? Now we get tried by a collection of our fellow worthy citizens – which means anyone who isn’t crafty enough to avoid it since that tends to be main goal of anyone actually called up to be on juries.

And, y’know what? I don’t want to be tried by a “jury of my peers.” My peers are ignorant, prejudiced, Daily Mail & Sun reading fools. Sorry, but they are. I have worked with juries for years now and the only thing worse is a magistrate (mainly because all our magistrates seem to be straight, white, elderly Tory men who are just ITCHING to dish out hangings and floggings).

I have heard juries talk as they leave the court. I have REPEATEDLY heard such gems like:

“They said he’d done it but he didn’t look like a darkie”

“I could tell by the look in his eyes, he’d done it.”

“I didn’t think he’d done it but they said ‘DNA’ and I watched X TV programme the other night…”

“This is just like X TV programme!”

“He looked just like that guy off, X TV programme!”

“No wonder, look at what she was wearing/how many kids she has/how many partners she‘s had”

“I didn’t listen to that, I never got science.”

*desperate attempt to explain a forensic issue to fellows that clearly shows they didn’t understand a word*

“Look at him, he’s bound to have done it.”

This is the tip of the iceberg. I’ve come to recognise that glazed look you get when a jury no longer understand what the hell is happening. Or is bored. Or thinking about lunch. Or jonesing for Eastenders. I have long since cynically assumed that at least half of every court proceeding will be ignored or misunderstood by at least 4 members of a jury and, frankly, I’ve had cases where I think the jury was so disconnected from proceedings that deciding the case on a coin toss would have been more equitable than relying on their verdict. And this is in basic cases – get to cases where there is any level of complexity or controversy and that’s it, doom will follow.

Perhaps I have been in the profession too long. Perhaps I am more cynical than is warranted. Perhaps I am just really really tired of boring court appearances taking 8 times longer than they have to because we have to explain water is wet to a jury. I would much rather have a panel of judges delivering verdicts that could effect the rest of someone’s lives than the man on the street who is likely to make their decision based on whether the breasts on page three sufficiently distracted them from the most recent demonisation of immigrants