I want to live.

This post laments the huge amount of dead gays in the media. I have tried to avoid spoilers beyond mentioning death but some minors will come through  – as such it contains some minor spoilers for the following:
Big Love, True Blood, Sparticus, the Sookie Stackhouse Series

I want to live. To this end, I don’t watch a lot of television, because it seems determined to tell me that people like me aren’t going to live very long. And that’s kind of depressing at times.

See, I’m a gay man. Not only am I gay but I’m also a) not chaste and b) in a happy LOVING relationship. Shit, I better get my affairs in order, there’s no way I’m going to live to be 29.

There seem to be 4 kinds of gay men on television: the Best Friend, the Bed Hopper, the Tortured & Angsty and… the Happy, Loving  Gay man… with a limited shelf life.

And it’s the last one I’m looking at today after reading this great article here by Renee about portrayals of gay love in the media. Media has, slowly but surely, expanded its tropes from the completely sexless-stereotyped comic relief and the overly sexed predator – we can now have sex AND fall in love. YES, gay men can LOVE, we really can! We have partners, we can kiss, we can show tenderness to each other, we can do long lingering, loving stares (albeit all in a fashion that is far far far more sanitised than any straight depictions) – but it comes with a price. Death. And Lesbians, don’t you be getting comfortable – unless you’re regularly getting it on for the titillation of male audiences you’re also due for a short trip to the nearest cemetery.

Yes, death. That old old old cliche that being gay will result in an early (and often horrible) death. It’s the wages of sin, the result of the naughty gayness, divine punishment, however else they want to portray it – in the end a happy gay man or lesbian has to pay the price in tragic suffering, grief and an early death.  If you’re lucky, you and your partner MAY survive if you have sufficient source of grief and pain in your life – then you can both be Tortured & Angsty and enjoy a slightly longer lifespan

And I take issue with that. The idea that my happiness must be extremely punished vexes me somewhat. The idea that the inevitable result of gay happiness is death (beyond the fact that the result of EVERYTHING is death) annoys me more than a little. The idea that dying young will somehow make portrayals of gay love more acceptable to the masses infuriates me.

Renee has mentioned two above – we can talk about how Big Love is supposed to be a tale about the damage about homophobia (and religious gays committing suicide because of the hate they’ve absorbed is hardly new or unreflected in real life) but damn this has been done a LOT – gays going to the grave because of the badness society has for gay people: Brokeback Mountain, Philadelphia, oh lookit the tragic homophobia drives gays to the grave – AGAIN. It would be a great example for homophobia and the damage that does except a) his gay partner only actually drops dead when there’s an actual LOVING relationship and b) if the sheer amount of gay death on screen didn’t make it part of the endless “being gay will get you killed trope”. There are too many gays inevitably dying to separate the “homophobia kills” message from the “gays die” message.

But Sparticus was the one that enraged me. Non-homophobic society. Loving and sexual couple, planning a future, having hope. A wonderful portrayal, I had hopes and… death. What, but, WHY?! Followed shortly after by the rape and death of the surviving partner. Just to drive it home – gay friendly society? Sure, but you’re still going to die from the gayness!

On the third, I’m fairly sure it’s only a matter of time before Lafayette keels over – either his lascivious ways will lead to a righteous death *eye roll* or he’ll settle down, fall in love and then that’s it DEATH! Still, kudos for giving him a longer lifespan than Charlaine Harris managed – with Malcolm, Lafayette, Eggs (and everyone at the bisexual party), Hadley, Sophie-Ann all dying she’s good at killing off GBL folk.

It happens so often – especially in the cheesy shows I know and love (and I love me some cheese) that it’s making me cringe. Hex (I own the box-sets, don’t judge me) is littered with so many dead and ghostly gays and lesbians that they may as well deck the cemetery in rainbow flags (Thelma still rocks, though). Buffy? DEATH. Dark Angel (yes, box sets again) Original Cindy’s one true love? DEAD. Sopranos? GAY DEATH. Supernatural (and damn a programme with guys THAT hot needs to have more shirtless scenes, I‘m just saying. Not even one ‘strategically draped towel‘ scene either! Fanservice guys!!!)? Gay death (bonus points for one Lesbian accidentally killing the other by touching her. Yeah, no subtext to that at ALL).  Some of these programmes seem to bring in tiny minor gay characters for the sole purpose of killing them.

This is part of the problem – the many many problems – of portrayal of GBLT in the media. I don’t know if portrayals like this are better than erasure. I love to see me on screen – especially if the portrayal actually IS me (and it so rarely is me or ANYTHING like a person) – but I don’t want to die. I don’t want to see death looming over me. I don’t want to flinch away from every gay portrayal because I know that it’s going to be another grand display of gay pain, death and loss.

And if it hurts me, what does it do to the young GBLT folks out there? How can they have hope, have a positive, strong sense of self when their happiness is a death sentence? How can they accept who they are when it is punished over and over and over again?

I don’t deserve to be punished (insert kinky innuendo here). My love does not deserve negative consequences. I deserve a happily ever after. I have a right to hope. Despair is not my inevitable future.

I am allowed to be happy.  Please stop telling us we cannot be.