Swine flu has achieved the impossible!

It has completely cured the common cold!

Yes, all over the country you will not find one case of the cold! Not only that but all other strains of flu are dead, allergies have been defeated, sniffles, chesty cough and an itchy nose have all been completely annhilated!

There is only SWINE FLU!!!!

I actually do know some people who do have the disease - it's apparently pretty bad in this area - but if everyone I've heard complain of having it actually DID have it then Britain would be a barren wasteland by now - 28 days later with all the cities deserted and only the eerie oinking filling the chillingly empty streets

(As an aside: that movie totally chilled me. I think it was because it was Britain that was so jarring).

I've actually met people out shopping or in the pub or in town saying "argle, I have swine flu" completely seriously. And for some reason they object when I poke them with sharp sticks and scream "UNCLEAN UNCLEAN!"

Ah humanity. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh, pat it on the head or beat it with a large stick