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Move along to avoid grumbling
Sep. 3rd, 2008 10:24 pmLife continues to suck sweaty elephant balls. Brother mine continues to be a wreck. Financial paperwork continues to sprout from every orifice. General badness dogs me and puts me in a hacked off mood as well as making me tired.
Me? am tired and irritable. It's emotionally exhausting to ride brother-mine's emotional rollercoaster. It's draining to deal with his depression. Nana is stlll busy trying to recruit us all to insanity land and is wandering more and more - sometimes illclad. Social services are as much use as a chocolate fireguard - I don't NEED someone to listen to us sympathetically. We need help and preferably a home of some kind. Add in the legion of collection agencies, the police I am still chasing and general work and I'm tired tired tired. I've also had no opportunities to do some hermiting. I'm not a social person by nature. I NEED time alone. I need time in silence. I need days where my human interraction is reduced to less than a dozen words. Beloved knows this and is wonderfully and amazingly respectful of my need to be utterly alone - that there are times when even the noise of him on the same floor will annoy me. This is because Beloved is a saint.
No alone time and increasing tiredness are making me increasingly more irritable. Minor irritants I can normally ignore (I'm a naturally affable person with strong reserves of patience) are bugging me excessively which is sending ripples through everyone else.
Brother mine is still utterly depressed and listless with occasional stints of manic cheerfulness. Gah, I just wish he would be ANGRY. I can deal with anger. We're all feeling anger. If he were angry we could rant and rave and destroy things and scream and get all cathartic - but this pining? Gah, do not want. I just don't know the keys to this. If he were a woman (and why do i get to play crying shoulder for their break ups?) there would be much crying and the consumption of several cakes. Big cakes. Smothered in chocolate. And all would be good. For a gay man there would be copious amounts of alcohol, a lot of dancing and some rippling muscles. And all would be good. What's good for a straight guy?
Collection agencies are still being off the good.
Police are still being of the useless. They are getting irritable with me for calling them and poking them. Tough
Parents are of the irritating. They're in the strong "don't get it" mode and seem to be slipping back to old habits (i.e. seem to think that this, somehow, is about them). Focus is on brother now - not them. They were doing so WELL! But they're slipping. This isn't about how THEY took in BQ or how THEY were betrayed or even the money BQ owed them. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM *fumes* and I wish they'd pay attention to brother mine's grief and pining. Grief and pining? IS NOT ANGER. Screaming rage about BQ is NOT helping even if she does deserve it because the silly silly silly fool still LOVES her. Yes, it IS insane. Yes he is mad. It's love, remember? Logic is not welcome here. He will be angry but only AFTER he's burned through the loss stage. This is chocolate cake and wine time, not tequila and clothes shredding time.
Other than that things move apace and we know things will get better. Which helps - just knowing pieces will come together again helps a lot.
Me? am tired and irritable. It's emotionally exhausting to ride brother-mine's emotional rollercoaster. It's draining to deal with his depression. Nana is stlll busy trying to recruit us all to insanity land and is wandering more and more - sometimes illclad. Social services are as much use as a chocolate fireguard - I don't NEED someone to listen to us sympathetically. We need help and preferably a home of some kind. Add in the legion of collection agencies, the police I am still chasing and general work and I'm tired tired tired. I've also had no opportunities to do some hermiting. I'm not a social person by nature. I NEED time alone. I need time in silence. I need days where my human interraction is reduced to less than a dozen words. Beloved knows this and is wonderfully and amazingly respectful of my need to be utterly alone - that there are times when even the noise of him on the same floor will annoy me. This is because Beloved is a saint.
No alone time and increasing tiredness are making me increasingly more irritable. Minor irritants I can normally ignore (I'm a naturally affable person with strong reserves of patience) are bugging me excessively which is sending ripples through everyone else.
Brother mine is still utterly depressed and listless with occasional stints of manic cheerfulness. Gah, I just wish he would be ANGRY. I can deal with anger. We're all feeling anger. If he were angry we could rant and rave and destroy things and scream and get all cathartic - but this pining? Gah, do not want. I just don't know the keys to this. If he were a woman (and why do i get to play crying shoulder for their break ups?) there would be much crying and the consumption of several cakes. Big cakes. Smothered in chocolate. And all would be good. For a gay man there would be copious amounts of alcohol, a lot of dancing and some rippling muscles. And all would be good. What's good for a straight guy?
Collection agencies are still being off the good.
Police are still being of the useless. They are getting irritable with me for calling them and poking them. Tough
Parents are of the irritating. They're in the strong "don't get it" mode and seem to be slipping back to old habits (i.e. seem to think that this, somehow, is about them). Focus is on brother now - not them. They were doing so WELL! But they're slipping. This isn't about how THEY took in BQ or how THEY were betrayed or even the money BQ owed them. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM *fumes* and I wish they'd pay attention to brother mine's grief and pining. Grief and pining? IS NOT ANGER. Screaming rage about BQ is NOT helping even if she does deserve it because the silly silly silly fool still LOVES her. Yes, it IS insane. Yes he is mad. It's love, remember? Logic is not welcome here. He will be angry but only AFTER he's burned through the loss stage. This is chocolate cake and wine time, not tequila and clothes shredding time.
Other than that things move apace and we know things will get better. Which helps - just knowing pieces will come together again helps a lot.