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It came to pass that in gently instructing the Mia kitten that scampering up and down the ornament laden windowledge was a bad idea, the Sparky noticed that she had a lump on her tail.
So I spoke to the nice pet insurance people:
Pet Insurance drone: Does a lump count as injury or illness? Let me check our in depth 2 million page exception clause
Me: It does. Trust me.
Pet Insurance Drone: Now the tail, could we consider it actually part of the cat?
Me: Yes. I'm a lawyer with a fondness for large edged weaponry, you will stop this conversation now and cough up the money, damn it.
And in the process sent Beloved to find and box up the cat. Socks was having none of this.
Beloved: *lifts cat* in you go*
Socks: *increases weight exponentially* Yes, I know it's impossible - but how does a cat manage to be 8 times heavier when she doesn't want to be picked up?
Beloved: *staggers* Look, it's for your own good.
Socks *melts* Another impossible feat achievable by felines where upon every body part flops in a way that only a liquid could presumably achieve
Beloved: *scoops towards box* YOU ARE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL!
Socks: *carefully aims head* *deploys catbreath*
Beloved: Aarrrrrgh! *chokes half to death*
However Socks was successfully subdued and presented to me in a crate from which she tried to cause the apocalypse by the strength of her glare.
Pet Insurance drone: Now is it possible your cat was abducted by aliens? Our policy doesn't cover alien abuduction.
Me: NO, she was... what?
Beloved: I have the cat
Me: Wrong cat, go box up the other one.
Beloved: *unrepeatable words*
Pet Insurance drone: Do you have any proof it WASN'T aliens?
Socks: *is released* I will never forgive you for the rest of my days. Eternally will I carry this grudge, my kittens will remember until the end of time. If it takes centuries, nay, millennia, our kind will have our ultimate revenge on... is that tuna? NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
Mia: *sharpens claws* bring it monkey!
Beloved: *eyes claws and gleaming, hyperactive eyes* errr, come get the nice tuna? Look it's in the box!
Socks: More tuna? NOM NOM NOM NOM
Beloved: NO YOU! *evicts*
Socks: Again, I am betrayed. There will be a reckoning, oh yes.
It's at this point I am onlu able to follow the adventure with my ears as Mia flees the room:
Mia: *bounds upstairs jingling all the way*
Beloved: *is heard stomping upstairs* *starts calling for Mia under the spare room bed*
Mia: *jingles her way downstairs, no doubt snickering*
Beloved: *continues to call under the bed*
Pet Insurance drone: So Nessie wasn't seen anywhere in the vicinity? Because we don't cover Nessie attacks...
Beloved: *realising he's talking to some old exercise equipment* *searches for Mia*
Mia: *hudes behind sofa. Leaps out and Bites Beloved's foot as he walks past*
Beloved: OW! *chases Mia*
Mia: *runs upstairs*
Beloved: *chases*
mia: *jumps between banister rails back downstairs*
Beloved: *doubletakes and trips over own feet**runs back downstairs*
Pet Insurance drone: So you can rule out acts of an angry god? Because we don't cover...
Mia *leaps up between banister rails again*
Beloved: *more unrepeatable words* *manages to grab foot*
Mia: *morphs into vicious blending machine*
Beloved: Aaaargh!
Mia: *flees and hides under rug* *takes another pot shot at passing feet*
Beloved: *leaps away* *dives on rug and uses it to entangle Mia* AHA!
Mia: YOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL!!!!! UTTERLY PATHETIC YOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL!!
There follows a possibly obscene and most certainly painful tussle in which Mia is transferred from the rug to the box. Words cannot describe this epic and titanic battle (certainly not Beloveds that were, again, unrepeatable).
Me: ready to go yet?
Beloved: *cat level glare*
So I spoke to the nice pet insurance people:
Pet Insurance drone: Does a lump count as injury or illness? Let me check our in depth 2 million page exception clause
Me: It does. Trust me.
Pet Insurance Drone: Now the tail, could we consider it actually part of the cat?
Me: Yes. I'm a lawyer with a fondness for large edged weaponry, you will stop this conversation now and cough up the money, damn it.
And in the process sent Beloved to find and box up the cat. Socks was having none of this.
Beloved: *lifts cat* in you go*
Socks: *increases weight exponentially* Yes, I know it's impossible - but how does a cat manage to be 8 times heavier when she doesn't want to be picked up?
Beloved: *staggers* Look, it's for your own good.
Socks *melts* Another impossible feat achievable by felines where upon every body part flops in a way that only a liquid could presumably achieve
Beloved: *scoops towards box* YOU ARE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL!
Socks: *carefully aims head* *deploys catbreath*
Beloved: Aarrrrrgh! *chokes half to death*
However Socks was successfully subdued and presented to me in a crate from which she tried to cause the apocalypse by the strength of her glare.
Pet Insurance drone: Now is it possible your cat was abducted by aliens? Our policy doesn't cover alien abuduction.
Me: NO, she was... what?
Beloved: I have the cat
Me: Wrong cat, go box up the other one.
Beloved: *unrepeatable words*
Pet Insurance drone: Do you have any proof it WASN'T aliens?
Socks: *is released* I will never forgive you for the rest of my days. Eternally will I carry this grudge, my kittens will remember until the end of time. If it takes centuries, nay, millennia, our kind will have our ultimate revenge on... is that tuna? NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
Mia: *sharpens claws* bring it monkey!
Beloved: *eyes claws and gleaming, hyperactive eyes* errr, come get the nice tuna? Look it's in the box!
Socks: More tuna? NOM NOM NOM NOM
Beloved: NO YOU! *evicts*
Socks: Again, I am betrayed. There will be a reckoning, oh yes.
It's at this point I am onlu able to follow the adventure with my ears as Mia flees the room:
Mia: *bounds upstairs jingling all the way*
Beloved: *is heard stomping upstairs* *starts calling for Mia under the spare room bed*
Mia: *jingles her way downstairs, no doubt snickering*
Beloved: *continues to call under the bed*
Pet Insurance drone: So Nessie wasn't seen anywhere in the vicinity? Because we don't cover Nessie attacks...
Beloved: *realising he's talking to some old exercise equipment* *searches for Mia*
Mia: *hudes behind sofa. Leaps out and Bites Beloved's foot as he walks past*
Beloved: OW! *chases Mia*
Mia: *runs upstairs*
Beloved: *chases*
mia: *jumps between banister rails back downstairs*
Beloved: *doubletakes and trips over own feet**runs back downstairs*
Pet Insurance drone: So you can rule out acts of an angry god? Because we don't cover...
Mia *leaps up between banister rails again*
Beloved: *more unrepeatable words* *manages to grab foot*
Mia: *morphs into vicious blending machine*
Beloved: Aaaargh!
Mia: *flees and hides under rug* *takes another pot shot at passing feet*
Beloved: *leaps away* *dives on rug and uses it to entangle Mia* AHA!
Mia: YOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL!!!!! UTTERLY PATHETIC YOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL!!
There follows a possibly obscene and most certainly painful tussle in which Mia is transferred from the rug to the box. Words cannot describe this epic and titanic battle (certainly not Beloveds that were, again, unrepeatable).
Me: ready to go yet?
Beloved: *cat level glare*