Forgiveness
Jun. 26th, 2008 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparkindarknessI’ve recently been musing on the nature of forgiveness since I ran into an old university friend of mine not too long ago. Old friend being the appropriate word - I got along with him passably but we had a bust up after several incidents of him basically plagiarising large chunks of my work for an extremely large chunky essay, the end result of which was both of us wound up starting our essays from scratch and on different topics.
I didn’t go for his eyes or anything but was generally adverse to trusting him too far even though we were supposed to be consulting on a minor collaborative effort - I explained why to a colleague who looked a little surprised and asked “haven’t you forgiven him yet?”
Well, no. Not really. I’m not a forgiving person. Not even remotely. I rarely forgive, I never forget. And this is a problem?
Long ramble about forgiveness follows.
Obliged Forgiveness
I have an issue with this idea that we are obliged to forgive people. If someone has screwed me over I don’t see why I, the screwed over person, suddenly has an obligation to forgive him. Apart from anything else, I find the whole thing as fake and insincere as a forced apology - if I am “forgiving” someone because I feel obliged to do so then my forgiveness is worth nothing. If it’s not sincere there is no point in forgiving. And I object most strongly to the idea that because someone has said sorry (see earlier rank about the uselessness of “sorry“) or some time has past that I’m suddenly a bad person for not deciding everything’s fine and wonderful now.
Now that doesn’t mean I think being vengeful is fine and dandy, or that holding a grudge or obsessing is good - it’s not, all of this is not healthy. Screw the guy I’m not forgiving, it’s not healthy for ME to turn all obsessive compulsive “he will pay!“ lunatic about it. But it is possible to not forgive someone without plotting revenge or dwelling on it. In the same way my not forgiving him doesn’t mean I’m going to be rude to him or not treat him with basic respectful manners - I can be polite and even kind to someone I haven‘t forgiven just as I can be polite and kind to people who I don‘t actually like.
In some ways I think the obligation to forgive can be UNHEALTHY. If you are angry at what someone has done but feel obliged to “forgive” them then were is that anger going to go? Good old suppression and resentment - “forgiving” before you are ready to forgive and before you feel forgiveness prevents you resolving the issue you have.
Forgiveness does NOT mean Forgetfulness
Even assuming that I do forgive, that doesn’t mean that what they’ve done is suddenly stricken from the pages of history. Even if I had forgiven my former friend I still wouldn’t trust him because he has proven himself untrustworthy. I may forgive someone from stealing from me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to hand over my valuables to their safe keeping. Forgiveness means I’m not angry, resentful or upset about it/them any more - it doesn’t mean I have sudden amnesia and will pretend it ever happened. Forgiveness no more removes my memory than an apology changes the past.
I am a naturally clumsy person. I just am, comes from having half your mind elsewhere most of the time. Over the years I have broken a fair few of my friends’ possessions by dropping them, falling on them, walking into them or otherwise spreading an aura of utter destruction. My friends have all graciously forgiven me for my destructive fumbles BUT despite this forgiveness they’re all careful to keep breakables away from me and quick to caution me if something is fragile. They forgive, but they aren’t fool enough to forget. So it is with the above - they’ve forgiven me but know I am clumsy. If I forgave my uni friend, I’d STILL know he is a plagiarist and untrustworthy
What IS forgiveness? Can it be forced?
What is forgiveness? Is it saying the right words? Well no, I and everyone else can say “I forgive you” or “don’t worry about it” or any number of stock phrases and be as sincere as a McDonalds employee wishing you a nice day when you just know behind that frozen grin they’re fantasising about drowning you in the deep fat friar and turning you into 50 Mc Chicken meals. Words mean little, talk is cheap.
Action? Again, not really. I can (and am) kind, polite, respectful and friendly to people I haven’t forgiven.
So what is it? It must, at its root, be how we feel. If we feel resentful, angry, hurt, wounded about whatever it was then how have we forgiven them? Sure, we may act nice, we may say the right words, we may never act on our feelings - but ultimately we haven’t forgiven them unless we feel forgiving. And ultimately if forgiveness is an emotional state rather than actions/words then it cannot be commanded - telling people they should forgive someone is as pointless as telling them they should love someone. You cannot command emotions (well, unless you use brainwashing and certain psychotropic chemicals but we won’t go there).
So holding a grudge? No, I won’t do that, it’s wrong and unhealthy for me.
Plot and seek revenge? No, I won’t do that, it’s wrong and unhealthy for me (though seeking a RESOLVE is probably advisable).
Forget what has happened? No, I won’t pretend ignorance of misdeeds and character. I won’t rub their noses in it (because that’s rude) but I’m not going to forget it.
Forgive? Not until I am ready and I feel forgiveness.
Maybe I’m not so unforgiving as I previously thought :) Maybe I just have a more exacting definition of what forgiveness is.
I didn’t go for his eyes or anything but was generally adverse to trusting him too far even though we were supposed to be consulting on a minor collaborative effort - I explained why to a colleague who looked a little surprised and asked “haven’t you forgiven him yet?”
Well, no. Not really. I’m not a forgiving person. Not even remotely. I rarely forgive, I never forget. And this is a problem?
Long ramble about forgiveness follows.
Obliged Forgiveness
I have an issue with this idea that we are obliged to forgive people. If someone has screwed me over I don’t see why I, the screwed over person, suddenly has an obligation to forgive him. Apart from anything else, I find the whole thing as fake and insincere as a forced apology - if I am “forgiving” someone because I feel obliged to do so then my forgiveness is worth nothing. If it’s not sincere there is no point in forgiving. And I object most strongly to the idea that because someone has said sorry (see earlier rank about the uselessness of “sorry“) or some time has past that I’m suddenly a bad person for not deciding everything’s fine and wonderful now.
Now that doesn’t mean I think being vengeful is fine and dandy, or that holding a grudge or obsessing is good - it’s not, all of this is not healthy. Screw the guy I’m not forgiving, it’s not healthy for ME to turn all obsessive compulsive “he will pay!“ lunatic about it. But it is possible to not forgive someone without plotting revenge or dwelling on it. In the same way my not forgiving him doesn’t mean I’m going to be rude to him or not treat him with basic respectful manners - I can be polite and even kind to someone I haven‘t forgiven just as I can be polite and kind to people who I don‘t actually like.
In some ways I think the obligation to forgive can be UNHEALTHY. If you are angry at what someone has done but feel obliged to “forgive” them then were is that anger going to go? Good old suppression and resentment - “forgiving” before you are ready to forgive and before you feel forgiveness prevents you resolving the issue you have.
Forgiveness does NOT mean Forgetfulness
Even assuming that I do forgive, that doesn’t mean that what they’ve done is suddenly stricken from the pages of history. Even if I had forgiven my former friend I still wouldn’t trust him because he has proven himself untrustworthy. I may forgive someone from stealing from me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to hand over my valuables to their safe keeping. Forgiveness means I’m not angry, resentful or upset about it/them any more - it doesn’t mean I have sudden amnesia and will pretend it ever happened. Forgiveness no more removes my memory than an apology changes the past.
I am a naturally clumsy person. I just am, comes from having half your mind elsewhere most of the time. Over the years I have broken a fair few of my friends’ possessions by dropping them, falling on them, walking into them or otherwise spreading an aura of utter destruction. My friends have all graciously forgiven me for my destructive fumbles BUT despite this forgiveness they’re all careful to keep breakables away from me and quick to caution me if something is fragile. They forgive, but they aren’t fool enough to forget. So it is with the above - they’ve forgiven me but know I am clumsy. If I forgave my uni friend, I’d STILL know he is a plagiarist and untrustworthy
What IS forgiveness? Can it be forced?
What is forgiveness? Is it saying the right words? Well no, I and everyone else can say “I forgive you” or “don’t worry about it” or any number of stock phrases and be as sincere as a McDonalds employee wishing you a nice day when you just know behind that frozen grin they’re fantasising about drowning you in the deep fat friar and turning you into 50 Mc Chicken meals. Words mean little, talk is cheap.
Action? Again, not really. I can (and am) kind, polite, respectful and friendly to people I haven’t forgiven.
So what is it? It must, at its root, be how we feel. If we feel resentful, angry, hurt, wounded about whatever it was then how have we forgiven them? Sure, we may act nice, we may say the right words, we may never act on our feelings - but ultimately we haven’t forgiven them unless we feel forgiving. And ultimately if forgiveness is an emotional state rather than actions/words then it cannot be commanded - telling people they should forgive someone is as pointless as telling them they should love someone. You cannot command emotions (well, unless you use brainwashing and certain psychotropic chemicals but we won’t go there).
So holding a grudge? No, I won’t do that, it’s wrong and unhealthy for me.
Plot and seek revenge? No, I won’t do that, it’s wrong and unhealthy for me (though seeking a RESOLVE is probably advisable).
Forget what has happened? No, I won’t pretend ignorance of misdeeds and character. I won’t rub their noses in it (because that’s rude) but I’m not going to forget it.
Forgive? Not until I am ready and I feel forgiveness.
Maybe I’m not so unforgiving as I previously thought :) Maybe I just have a more exacting definition of what forgiveness is.