These clients do not understand the pain they put me through

[sparkindarkness]

See, not only do I have to put up with their drivel and tolerate their insanity - but I have to do it with a straight face. No insane looks of death and not collapsing in laughter. I wish they would take this into account and try not to act like my own private sketch show.

And you, Mr. (I think) A, are a classic example. Yes, it is highly desirable for your name to be properly written on court documents and, yes, your name is very long and very unusual, and yes, your scrawl is actually illegible unless you are a trained cryptographer with a good talent for Magic Eye pictures and an extreme liking for Rorschach prints as it is probably best for you to spell it aloud.

Please don’t use the phonetic alphabet. Just use letters. I will understand, honest. I say this because you don’t KNOW the phonetic alphabet.

Even worse, in some desperate attempt to impress me (though why you would want to impress the man you have just told all the sordid details of your messy divorce to is beyond me) you are choosing to use the longest, most complicated words you can think of to spell out your name.

Words, it has to be said, that you don’t actually know how to spell.

By the time we reached “f for Philanthropic” I had broken 3 ribs in an attempt not to laugh.


In fact, can we make this a general plea to all clients not to try an impress me? This includes:

1) Not using any words unless you are SURE you know what they mean. Do you really want me to record that you believe your statement is erroneous? Put away the word of the day calendar.
2) This applies doubly if the word is multi-syllabic and you only have the vaguest idea of pronunciation. Even more so if your perceived pronunciation would require a considerable volume of airborne saliva
3) This applied to an infinite degree if said word is in a foreign and/or dead language. You are English, I am English, why do you think any part of the following conversation needs to include Latin?
4) Do not profess to any kind of legal knowledge unless you are a qualified legal professional. Just DON’T
5) In fact, don’t claim any kind of knowledge of ANYTHING unless you have at least 3 certificates from separate awarding bodies confirming your relevant expertise. And even then, tread carefully.
6) I am not even remotely interested in your opinion (scholarly or otherwise) on ANYTHING. EVER.

Keeping to these rules will ensure considerably less headaches and less aching ribs on my part, thank you.

Comments

[stormcat.livejournal.com]

By the time we reached “f for Philanthropic” I had broken 3 ribs in an attempt not to laugh.

I think -I- just broke something upon reading that.

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

oh dear oh dear oh dear

Do people REALLY think its clever to try to impress lawyers? How very sad. My English vocabulary is pretty exceptional, and my Latin is probably better than average (at least, I have an O level in it, which is more than most people), but even I would hesitate to try to impress a lawyer. Well, with words, anyway. I'm sure I could impress one with a few other things though *wink*

(uninterested and spoken-for-anyway present [Sparky] company excepted, obviously)

[amynnah.livejournal.com]

Stupid people make my hair hurt. ;_;

Wow... just... wow... /offers some coffee and chocolate covered pretzels.

[cazmanian-minx.livejournal.com]

“f for Philanthropic”

I can beat that - a colleague had a customer come up with "y for wanker". She laughed so hard she cried, fortunately the customer was too busy apologising to mind!

[fadethecat.livejournal.com]

This is why I'm so glad to have a job where I deal with customers only by email. I can mock, curse, or whatever else seems necessary, and then write a polite little sweetness and light and correction email right back to them.

...unfortunately, this doesn't work so well for my other job, where I have to stand around in a small store smiling at people and trying to be helpful. Oh well.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

A long time ago I was looking for the least helpful phonetic alphabet possible.

This is what we came up with:

Aegis
B
Cue
Djinn
Eye
F
Gnat
Honest
Ian
Jalapeno
Knot
L
Mnemonic
Ng
Oedipus
Psychic
Queue
R
S
Tsunami
Uell
V
Wye
Xenomorphic
Yew
Z

[jrho.livejournal.com]

But, Sparky, your client are just being helpful by helping you exercise your abdominal muscles!

As for big words they can't pronounce, I have this problem from time to time. I read alot, so I've seen certain words many times. I am very familiar with their meaning, but I've never heard them pronounced, so I don't know what the correct pronunciation is.

[baranduyn.livejournal.com]

See, not only do I have to put up with their drivel and tolerate their insanity - but I have to do it with a straight face. No insane looks of death and not collapsing in laughter. I wish they would take this into account and try not to act like my own private sketch show.

You're not allowed to laugh at them? Thank smeg I never became a lawyer.

Of course back then career counsellors would look at us and say 'girls really shouldn't be lawyers'. Then we beat them to death with barley sugar bats

[procris.livejournal.com]

My reading vocabulary to this day vastly exceeds my speaking vocabulary, but this is something I know and have been working on. That said, there was a very embarassing incident involving the word 'cudgel" in my high school years...

On the flip side of this issue though, I was writing a survey for my research class that was meant to be taken by (Large State University) freshmen, and I had to get one of my student workers to help me dumb it down. I think he thought I was insane, but I've been in school for long enough now that I have difficulty sometimes breaking out of Academese.

[thisdaydreamer.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but it seems to me that the word "cudgel" would be rather useful in high school. I am so happy to have those days long behind me....

[thisdaydreamer.livejournal.com]

Not laughing is, without any competition, the hardest part of my job. How do you keep a straight face when a customer asks you if there is a book based on the miniseries The Odyssey, or ask my a book they describe as nonfiction is not in the fiction section. There are a thousand other examples I could give.

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

You are an evil, evil man/woman/weasel... I am so stealing your list (with your permission, of course)

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Man, and go right ahead. If you come up with good ones for the missing letters, pass 'em along.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

ouchie, hurts doesn't it?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Some people, feeling very insecure, desperately feel the need to show off their speshul knowledge. this saddens me.


heee, immune to impressables! :) Have those impressables been properly licensed for appropriate use?

I ahve decided that impressables must now enter the vocabulary. yes, yes they should

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

COFFEEE *leaps*

YUou cover pretzels in chocolate? Aren't pretzels salty?

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

LOL, sometimes you just HAVE to laugh at customers. It does them good. Really

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

now THAT would be helpful...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

that alphabet? Wins at life

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I could do stomach crunches - methinsk I'd almost prefer them!

I find some peopel do that - but my clients just dopnm't have a clue and approach the whole thing as if they're throwing darts at dictionaries and using the random words that are speared

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I think it is deeply unfair, but the powers that b are under the impression it is somehwta unprofessional

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean, i use legalese all the time and don't realise I have until I get that blank look from whoever I'm talking to

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

We all have to perfect the fixed grin/clenched teeth look. It's the only way to defeat laughter

[amynnah.livejournal.com]

You've never had chocolate covered pretzels!? /gape. Okay... you need to try some. :) There's something about the salty and the sweet that is just completely appealing to the inside of the mouth. And not just any chocolate... try melting down part of a Hershey's Symphony Bar, throw a pretzel in there, take it out, throw it on a piece of waxed paper, throw it in the fridge until the chocolate hardens. Enjoy. ;)

Coffee goooood... I'm making Vanilla Cream coffee today. /offers.

[fadethecat.livejournal.com]

I used to have a cardboard voodoo doll of customers. It hung from its neck by a string next to my desk, and I got to stick pins in it.

Ah, those were the days.