The privacy of a Lawyer's office
Aug. 2nd, 2006 02:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparkindarknessOk more suckage from the lawyer’s office with its own kennels and fish farm.
And this is another general warning to the many many people who daily conspire to lower my
already subterranean faith in humanity.
To all family members, distant relatives, work colleagues, secretaries and people who just happen to be passing at the time when the phone rang: I cannot discuss ANYTHING with you. It’s called client privilege. This means anything I discuss with my client is between me, him, some of my colleagues, the Hounds and people I tell it to because I think it’s amusing and need to vent (alright, technically not the last example). A court of law cannot force me to divulge this information. The police cannot get their grubby hands on my records. The only people who have info as secret are your priest and your doctor – and even the latter is in doubt.
If you are not the client or someone he has said I can talk to (and I’m getting that in writing first) I will say only “I am Sparky from HoundNHaddockFirm and need to speak with X. Ask him to call me.” You will get no more than that regardless of your connection to the client or I will get into very very serious trouble that will make even the hounds cry. I can’t even tell the police if one of my clients confesses to being a murderer (after a fashion), what chance do you have?
Do not pitch a fit and squeal at me. Do not repeatedly say “I’m his wife, I have a RIGHT to know!” Honey, you don’t. At least not from my lips. Do not yell “he’s my father, I NEED to know.” Maybe you do, but I don’t need to tell you. Don’t say “he won’t mind.” I don’t care, I will mind – it’s my career, not his. If you are a secretary do not ask what it is regarding because I will not tell you. Do not huff angrily at me for withholding knowledge, your boss’s divorce is not your business and he will sue me if I divulge all the gooey details to his office. And if you put me on hold I will simply charge your boss for the time (with an extra surcharge if your hold music is especially annoying). Oh, and ringing back 5 minutes later pretending to be my client? Freak, I can have you arrested for that. Yeah and your friend you have call shortly after that.
And freaky couple who are getting a divorce? I represent the husband. I’m not going to discuss any matters with the wife. And the wife shouldn’t be coming to your interviews, comparing notes from her solicitor with me, asking me questions or be directly contacting me in any way. Stop now, it’s an ethical minefield that I fear only haddocks can save us from. It’s not like it’s even an amicable divorce.
If it’s not your case, don’t ask me questions about it. And this is applies double if you should know better – police, reporters and other lawyers (well, opposing lawyers anyway) – you KNOW I cannot divulge this information. Don’t even try to ask – even a hint of this and I will test my new prototype piranha club.
And while we’re at it – clients, you want your information kept secret? That means you have to make an effort as well. The fact that this information is privileged doesn’t mean that the secrecy fairy is going to come down in a nefarious trench coat and blind anyone who may glance at it. It means no-one can force either of us to divulge it. It doesn’t mean we can stop your sorry self from broadcasting it to all and sundry or punish people for reading info you’ve not only put in the public domain but have highlighted it with massive neon signs and a loudspeaker. Do not use the office fax machine or the work network email if you want this info to be kept secret. If you have a shared email account with your wife, you may not want to use that for correspondence with your divorce lawyer. If you want to keep the details of your drunken brawl from your boss, maybe you don’t want to have that loud conversation in the quiet office. If you didn’t want your mother to learn of your drug conviction, maybe you shouldn’t have left the letter on the coffee table? And be realistic. If you receive a fax from a lawyers office addressed to one of your colleagues in the busy public fax machine in your office, are you REALLY going to pay any attention to the “PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL!” stamped all over it or are you going to take a quick peak? Right. So what makes you think your colleagues will do differently?
No, you can’t sue people for overhearing the conversation. Nor can you sue just about anyone else around you for learning information you took no effort to hide. You most certainly can’t sue me for not silencing you (pass my tongue scissors, Mad Secretary!) – but do try, I could use the laugh. You can have a big childish tantrum about it, but I’ll just release the Hounds and charge you for it.
And this is another general warning to the many many people who daily conspire to lower my
already subterranean faith in humanity.
To all family members, distant relatives, work colleagues, secretaries and people who just happen to be passing at the time when the phone rang: I cannot discuss ANYTHING with you. It’s called client privilege. This means anything I discuss with my client is between me, him, some of my colleagues, the Hounds and people I tell it to because I think it’s amusing and need to vent (alright, technically not the last example). A court of law cannot force me to divulge this information. The police cannot get their grubby hands on my records. The only people who have info as secret are your priest and your doctor – and even the latter is in doubt.
If you are not the client or someone he has said I can talk to (and I’m getting that in writing first) I will say only “I am Sparky from HoundNHaddockFirm and need to speak with X. Ask him to call me.” You will get no more than that regardless of your connection to the client or I will get into very very serious trouble that will make even the hounds cry. I can’t even tell the police if one of my clients confesses to being a murderer (after a fashion), what chance do you have?
Do not pitch a fit and squeal at me. Do not repeatedly say “I’m his wife, I have a RIGHT to know!” Honey, you don’t. At least not from my lips. Do not yell “he’s my father, I NEED to know.” Maybe you do, but I don’t need to tell you. Don’t say “he won’t mind.” I don’t care, I will mind – it’s my career, not his. If you are a secretary do not ask what it is regarding because I will not tell you. Do not huff angrily at me for withholding knowledge, your boss’s divorce is not your business and he will sue me if I divulge all the gooey details to his office. And if you put me on hold I will simply charge your boss for the time (with an extra surcharge if your hold music is especially annoying). Oh, and ringing back 5 minutes later pretending to be my client? Freak, I can have you arrested for that. Yeah and your friend you have call shortly after that.
And freaky couple who are getting a divorce? I represent the husband. I’m not going to discuss any matters with the wife. And the wife shouldn’t be coming to your interviews, comparing notes from her solicitor with me, asking me questions or be directly contacting me in any way. Stop now, it’s an ethical minefield that I fear only haddocks can save us from. It’s not like it’s even an amicable divorce.
If it’s not your case, don’t ask me questions about it. And this is applies double if you should know better – police, reporters and other lawyers (well, opposing lawyers anyway) – you KNOW I cannot divulge this information. Don’t even try to ask – even a hint of this and I will test my new prototype piranha club.
And while we’re at it – clients, you want your information kept secret? That means you have to make an effort as well. The fact that this information is privileged doesn’t mean that the secrecy fairy is going to come down in a nefarious trench coat and blind anyone who may glance at it. It means no-one can force either of us to divulge it. It doesn’t mean we can stop your sorry self from broadcasting it to all and sundry or punish people for reading info you’ve not only put in the public domain but have highlighted it with massive neon signs and a loudspeaker. Do not use the office fax machine or the work network email if you want this info to be kept secret. If you have a shared email account with your wife, you may not want to use that for correspondence with your divorce lawyer. If you want to keep the details of your drunken brawl from your boss, maybe you don’t want to have that loud conversation in the quiet office. If you didn’t want your mother to learn of your drug conviction, maybe you shouldn’t have left the letter on the coffee table? And be realistic. If you receive a fax from a lawyers office addressed to one of your colleagues in the busy public fax machine in your office, are you REALLY going to pay any attention to the “PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL!” stamped all over it or are you going to take a quick peak? Right. So what makes you think your colleagues will do differently?
No, you can’t sue people for overhearing the conversation. Nor can you sue just about anyone else around you for learning information you took no effort to hide. You most certainly can’t sue me for not silencing you (pass my tongue scissors, Mad Secretary!) – but do try, I could use the laugh. You can have a big childish tantrum about it, but I’ll just release the Hounds and charge you for it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-02 01:57 pm (UTC)Clients
Date: 2006-08-02 02:08 pm (UTC)I growled mightily.
Fortunately most of my clients are banks. They pretty much leave me alone if I mail them the paperwork, and few people want to know much about them.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-02 02:08 pm (UTC)Is this one client broadcasting private business, or are you having an outbreak of stupid among several clients?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-02 02:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-02 03:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-02 03:46 pm (UTC)Admittedly that's assuming my Boss will remember the name of someone he may have spoken to five minutes ago ... but that's a whole n'other rant *grins*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 05:01 am (UTC)My parents had an amicable divorce (No, really! No one was hurt and they have lunch together frequently. And when he was a witness to the accident that led to her broken ankle, no one thought he did it.) but they would never have been present when the other had a legal consultation.
That is truly bizarre.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 09:05 am (UTC)1) My spelling of the word "pirhana" is inclined to change at a moment's notice
2) A prihana club did not produce the dersired effect (i.e. THUMP bitebitebitebitebitebitebite) instead produced a somewhat disappointing THUMP, SQUISHED FISH!.
Re: Clients
Date: 2006-08-03 09:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 09:09 am (UTC)It's actually a semi-regular thing, but recently I've had a few clients' connected people (one secretary and one wife and one grown up daughter) all pushing for knowledge I can't give. They will be haddocked unto death
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 09:10 am (UTC)But when i say "it's private," and they persist? HOUNDS!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 09:13 am (UTC)It's when I've made it clear it IS a private matter and the secretary continues to disecern the reason for the call that annoys.
I like the secretary loop of doom, Mad Secretary uses it to protect me.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 09:28 am (UTC)See, I prefer them to take my number and call me back. that's easy.
It's when they won't accept "private matter" and keep pushing (especially PAs who are notorious at this). You end up with exchanges like this:
Me: It's a private matter
sec: what kind of private matter?
Me: one I can only discuss with him?
Sec: is it relating to business?
Me: I can't discuss it
Sec: Is it personal?
Me: i can't discuss it.
Sec: What shall I tell him it's regarding?
Me: Just tell him my name and firm, he knows.
Sec: He's busy, can I take a message?
Me: Sure, ask him to call me back
Sec: And what shall I put it is regarding...
Me: The sudden, unexplained death of his secretary!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 09:29 am (UTC)Baffled? I'm just past baffled I just look on and catalogue them as some new strange species.
Amicable divorces do happen.... not often, at least by the end, but they do really :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 02:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 02:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-03 02:58 pm (UTC)Perhaps a piranha morningstar? A little tricky to get the hang of not tangling it, but it's less likely to squish the fish. Or piranha bola?
(Hi, found you through a combination of
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-04 11:38 am (UTC)I think i ened tougher mechanical pirhanas!
Greetings, of coruse feel free. The more the merrier :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-04 11:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-04 02:34 pm (UTC)Hmm. The problem with mechanical ones is that the joints and gears might get gucked up with bodily fluids. If you Teflon-coated all parts, they'd at least be easier to clean... or what's that evil little fish that swims up the urethra?
Yay! Though I would advise against friending me unless you're exceptionally fond of whine and cheese emogencies in the waaahmbulance and things that run to the inane. (At least I'm realistic.)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-04 07:42 pm (UTC)HAHAHAHATHUMPSQUISHEDFISH
For some reason that was delightful.